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Trial Separation

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BluesPower posted 10/23/2019 08:22 AM

Listen LD...

Who knows what the future holds, maybe it can work out still, maybe not.

Use this time to fix yourself, to get better, to be better.

Also, just realize that your H feels worse than you, as bad as you feel.

Use your pain to understand his, that way if you ever get the chance, hopefully you will have a good understanding of the gift that he gave you before and that he might give to you again...

Hang in there...

LifeDestroyer posted 10/23/2019 10:58 AM

I have been selfishly looking at this separation as having to do with me. I knew he needed time alone and away from me, but I kept looking at it as "he doesn't want to be with me." I might not be explaining it well, but maybe you'll understand. He told me last night that the separation has nothing to do with me. That he just wants to be alone, not see the one who abused him each day, be able to finally grieve his mom, and to stop thinking about me/affair all day every day. He pointed out that I have made every aspect of his life suffer (work, attitude/patience with our daughter, emotional/mentally). That definitely sucked hearing, especially it's all true.

MrCleanSlate posted 10/23/2019 11:50 AM

LD,

I read through some of your posts and scanned through many of the responses - but got the picture.

As other urged - try to fix yourself.

You need to find the answers to why you did what you did. All of it - the affair, the denial, everything. That is the hard part and where only time and some good counselling will help.

I found it harder to accept the truth of what I did and why, than actually coming clean to my BW. Turning that mirror on myself was painful. But I am better for it now.

JBWD posted 10/23/2019 13:21 PM

I’m going to propose something very much in character for me:
Read “Feeling Better” by David Burns. Especially in light of the statement that you’re just now recognizing that this affects him, you need to understand the cognitive distortions that occur:
Selfish people (You know, cheaters) tend to self-reference. So the separation becomes about why HE doesn’t want YOU in his life. In actuality, as you have started to acknowledge (which means you’re hearing and understanding, that’s good) it’s actually exclusively about HIM. The self-referencing falls into a CBT distortion category called personalizing, and it’s at the heart of A LOT of wayward tendencies. (Ex: That guy who cut you off on the highway and you got emotionally charged and sped up so he could see you give him a WTF face? He actually didn’t intentionally set out to endanger you, and this might be THE ONE DAY he’s late to work.)

Burns’s book helps you recognize and counter cognitive distortions with rational counters. So when you recognize you’re making this assumption, you counter it: “It feels like BH doesn’t want me in his life anymore. That might be natural given the circumstances, but that’s not what he’s deciding right now. He’ll tell me if that does happen, but it hasn’t yet.”

You will have to learn to recognize what you can control and take stock in that. Yes there’s a lot external to you, but what you can control is you and your thoughts/reactions. As you better condition your mind, your feelings will stop driving thoughts, and the ability to remove yourself from seemingly inescapable holes of emotion improves.

LifeDestroyer posted 10/23/2019 13:45 PM

Is it the book "Feeling Good?" There wasn't a "better."

hikingout posted 10/23/2019 13:50 PM

I have been selfishly looking at this separation as having to do with me. I knew he needed time alone and away from me, but I kept looking at it as "he doesn't want to be with me." I might not be explaining it well, but maybe you'll understand. He told me last night that the separation has nothing to do with me. That he just wants to be alone, not see the one who abused him each day, be able to finally grieve his mom, and to stop thinking about me/affair all day every day. He pointed out that I have made every aspect of his life suffer (work, attitude/patience with our daughter, emotional/mentally). That definitely sucked hearing, especially it's all true.


It's a natural response you were having from the standpoint of where you are in your journey. I will reiterate a few things I have said personally to you because now that you have calmed down a little you may be able to receive it.

While he is taking this time, see this as an opportunity. As another poster just pointed out, the digging was far harder than any confession I made. It was a rude awakening because we all want to see ourselves as good people with pure intentions. We never grow in comfort, so this is a big opportunity for you to unlock some very big gifts of self understanding, awareness, and improvement. If you are committed to that process it's the only way in the world that your BS will ever give you another chance, and the irony is that is not the goal. As long as you make the goal "getting him back' then you will not do things authentically or from a wholesome place. You instead need to let go of the outcome, surrender it to your higher power if you will. And, instead, say alright, why did I do all this? Your IC will trace it from FOO issues, they will start to point out thoughts that are not healthy. Once you are able to acknowledge it, you will find you can't unsee it. You will be able to mindfully modify those thoughts that lead to the behaviors that are working against you.


Gracefully giving him his time, and saying to yourself "I don't want to live this out again". We will repeat the same patterns over and over until it teaches us the lesson it's meant to teach us. So, listen carefully to yourself, meditate, do IC, post, read, and look for the lessons. Those lessons will bless you no matter what the outcome will be. They will bless him as well no matter the outcome because you have a child with him. This is the path to setting it right. It's going to be a huge adjustment, but I love what justsomelady told you ----Embrace the suck. That's 100% accurate. Keep going! And, I would also be interested in hearing about your running program when you get it off the ground!

JBWD posted 10/23/2019 14:38 PM

Sorry, yes- “Feeling Good.”

LifeDestroyer posted 10/23/2019 21:58 PM

I couldn't check out that apartment that I had an appointment for. I guess they only ever have just one person in the office and she keeps getting sick. I checked out another but I wasn't comfortable with how it looked and felt outside. I sent emails to three more. Hopefully, I can check one out tomorrow before my IC.

I stopped by dad's to grab some of his boxes. I was really hoping that I would have him for some emotional support, even though he's never been the emotional type. He is on the side of "Face it LD he's not taking you back. You may as well get a 13 month lease because you're not moving back to that house." That really sucked, but surprisingly I kept my cool with him. I let him speak and then I said "You may be right, but I have to keep holding on to some hope." Then I put the boxes in my car and left.

Crushed7 posted 10/24/2019 01:00 AM

Despite your dad's opinion, I see things differently. Your H has the option to D, but isn't choosing that path. He is very specifically leaving open the possibility that you will be back.

Your H has been straightforward with you -- he needs to grieve. And he is right. There is a lot of pain for him to deal with and the best possible thing is to find ways to let the emotions out in productive and healthy ways. He believes that some time and space will provide that for him. Based on my own experience, I think he is right.

The reality is that everyone messes up in some way at some point in time. Failure doesn't define us. It's how we respond to it that does. Yes, you are hitting rock bottom as your life is seeming to implode all around you. But look at the steps you are taking! While it is difficult, you are showing him love and respect by honoring his wishes. You are demonstrating that you will put him above yourself and that is a powerful message after an A that was self-centered. You are taking responsibility and are doing everything you can to change. Yes, the pain, guilt and shame you are facing is awful, but you are working on responding in a way that makes you stronger and healthier. There is still hope for the future.

TimSC posted 10/24/2019 10:11 AM

At the moment seeing you is his biggest trigger. He can never calm his emotions because each time he sees you or hears your voice he is reminded of the affair AND all the lies told during and after until your final confession.

Understand that he was beginning to deal with what he thought had happened when he was hit with all the ugly truth about your affair. That was DDay #2 in his mind and he needs time alone to process this.

He is not doing this to punish you. He is doing it for himself. His life has been in a constant state of stress and upheaval since the initial discovery. He needs time to step away and recover his calm, clear his thoughts. Then to decide if his life going forward will be better with you or without you as his wife.

LifeDestroyer posted 10/24/2019 11:34 AM

Crushed,

I hope you are right. I hope he can or will see that I do love him and respect him, even though my actions during the affair were the opposite.

TimSC,

I understand all of that. I try to do my best now while still at home. When he goes into the kitchen, I try not to look at him thinking maybe not seeing my face is better. I try to limit my words to him, but that is very very hard. Last night when I came home, he and our daughter were in the living room eating dinner. I went straight to my room and stayed there so that he wouldn't feel the need to leave and go to his room. I don't know if any of it matters since I'm still there, but I am making an effort to reduce my presence.

leavingorbit posted 10/24/2019 12:44 PM

LD, just wondering if you’re doing these things by your BH’s request? Or are you assuming that’s what he wants you to do? I completely understand why you fear causing more pain and want to avoid/feel shame. I also feel that can be self protective. I did this all the time when the best thing to do for my BH was to ask him what he needed and wanted and later when he was open, check in, ask if he would be interested in whatever. Without doing that I was still controlling the atmosphere and not making myself vulnerable. What if he didn’t want me around? Well, that would have made perfect sense after what I had done. To be different, to be loving, I had to try.

He’s going to be in pain. If he’s specifically asked for space from you, then dw about this post. I didn’t see a reference in this thread. I’m just wondering about comments like “maybe not seeing my face” and “he wouldn’t feel the need.” Have you still been reading about codependency, mindfulness? I had to remind myself I wasn’t a mind reader.

I hope you’re finding some peace today. Sending you strength.

LifeDestroyer posted 10/24/2019 13:00 PM

After he told me he wanted a trial separation, I told him that I would do my best to stay out of his way and he agreed. He has a book on codependency, so I will ask if I can borrow it. I have not done any reading on mindfulness. I slacked on that. I do the deep breathing, but that is all.

gmc94 posted 10/24/2019 13:13 PM

LD: I'm gonna again suggest looking up Rick Hanson's HEAL steps. I'd call it a form of mindfulness. You don't have to read a whole book (tho his "resilience" is really good - if you can, get it from the library on audiotape, that helps with the lessons and its FREE).

His HEAL is about incorporating joy - even the small moments - into your psyche. Just last night I was sharing an older moment with my DD (part of the exercise is to kind of 'record' the moment it happens, and then you can remember it). It's a small thing, but has really helped me (and I'm probably a broken friggin record on SI I sing its praises so often!)

Justsomelady posted 10/24/2019 13:21 PM

Book recs - Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, mindfulness for women by Vindamyla (sp?) Burch, anything Jon Kabat Zinn

LifeDestroyer posted 10/24/2019 22:05 PM

I caught the new therapist up on what happened since I saw my last one, she passed my notes on to this new one. She said I need to focus on self care. She asked me what I think that may be. I said "I have no clue." She said "well one thing is to focus on what's best for your daughter and the other is to figure out your boundaries with your husband." There were some things that I didn't agree with. I could definitely see what she was saying, why she was saying it, and I probably would tell a friend that too.

She then said "You made the choice to have an affair, and now your husband's choice is?" I told her his choice is to divorce or not. She said "Bingo!"

I don't see her for another two weeks. I had them put me on the wait list for her because I will probably need to talk next week.

RedHeadTemper posted 10/25/2019 07:37 AM

LD

I'm a BS. I have some insight for you from my side.
My wife just started making changes, after I had checked out. I don't know if her actions are genuine (based on just being betrayed, I assume they are not). Boy she puts on a show and I so so so want to believe her. But I can't. And any BH that is not in denial shouldn't believe their WW.

How can I know if her intentions are sincere and real and for her (and not just cause she's going to lose half of everything)? How do I know she's doing the work and it will be permanent?

I can't. And no one else can. But we can look for evidence and observe. I want to sperate with my wife for my own healing, but also to see if my wife is really making changes for herself and is genuine.

One thing is for certain though. If my wife was crying from stress, and upset while looking for apartments, I'd want to hear 'I don't want to lose you, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm such a fool and will do what it takes to help you heal and see that I've changed'. And it would be neat if she anxiously looked for an apartment to be supportive of what I need and want.

I would not want to hear "He then asked if there was anything I wanted to say. I said "yes, I don't want to leave." I had to walk out because the tears started to come again."

If you really want to work on your marraige, you need to put your husband first. And do things that will help him heal. If not, you're really just sorry that your losing time with your child and your material things and the security your husband brings.

I need to know that my wife doesn't care about material things, I need to know that my wife puts me first, ahead of our children. I need to know that my wife will put my healing over her stress. I need to know that my wife can handle stress, and I need to know that my wife appreciates me for the work I do and the good I bring to her life.

Now is the best time to show your husband that you are 100% in with him, not conditioned on if it's convenient for you. Now is the time to work on yourself and change. The best part is, if you do the work and still D, you will be a million times better off than if you didn't do the work, and R. If you do R and you do the work and change, you will be a better person. And honestly that's what you and your husband deserve, is a better person.

Justsomelady posted 10/25/2019 07:46 AM

Disagree that spouse has to come before child....por que no las dos?

LifeDestroyer posted 10/25/2019 07:51 AM

'I don't want to lose you, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm such a fool and will do what it takes to help you heal and see that I've changed'. And it would be neat if she anxiously looked for an apartment to be supportive of what I need and want.

I have said those exact things to him pretty much every time we talk. He has heard me plead with him telling him that I will do everything possible to show him that I can be a safe partner for him and want to do anything to help with his healing. Like you, he has said he doesn't know if what I say is sincere or just because my world is imploding on me.

Justsomelady posted 10/25/2019 07:55 AM

Keep on keeping on, LD. Hopefully he will hear this and understand it LD, especially after he has space and time alone in the separation to grieve and figure it out without the trigger of your presence. As you know, he may never be able to believe you. But for now you are doing what you can with what space he allows you at this moment. Keep it up. Hopefully you’ll find an apt soon and you can both move forward in healing, taking your cues from him, working together to meet your daughters needs, and eventually a path forward will become clear.

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