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Trial Separation

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RedHeadTemper posted 10/25/2019 08:20 AM

Ld,

Also you are browsing for apartments. (I'm a little biased because I'm a BS). But if my wife needed help and that help was moving out and giving space, I'd say my peace and have an apartment within a day or two. Make it happen. I'd go live in a cheap apartment that I can find fast. Put the things that he tells you he needs at the top of your to do list. It shows you don't care about the situation, you care about him.

Also, this is just my belief on putting your spouse first, if mom and dad are alright with each other, kids will feel safe, and more loved at home. I've seen it in my family and my wife's family. Putting you and your spouse first is like in case of cabin pressure change on an air plane, putting on your mask first before helping your child is essential. But your child's needs must never ever go unmet.

Justsomelady posted 10/25/2019 08:28 AM

Redhead your point about the oxygen masks is well taken. However I think my bias is seeing so many people take it too far and beyond...thinking kids will be happy if parents are “happy” (what some use to justify an affair). I think it is a cycle, there are times the kids actually come before the parents. And times where I can see them taking a backseat to the parents connection.

RedHeadTemper posted 10/25/2019 08:31 AM

LD ^^^^^^^^
TOTALLY agree. I like how you phrased it. Keep working on yourself and changing. Wish you the best! This isn't fun for either of you......

BeyondRage posted 10/25/2019 17:37 PM

But if my wife needed help and that help was moving out and giving space, I'd say my peace and have an apartment within a day or two. Make it happen. I'd go live in a cheap apartment that I can find fast

LD,

The above advice is GOOD but it has to be safe for your daughter. I believe your husband would agree.

LifeDestroyer posted 10/25/2019 17:44 PM

Beyond rage, you are exactly correct. That is why I haven't just gotten the cheapest quickest place because those are not in safe areas. He has said if it takes a few weeks to find a good place for my daughter and me, then that's ok. I'm not trying to not find a place or prolong it.

TimSC posted 10/25/2019 19:36 PM

I have said those exact things to him pretty much every time we talk. He has heard me plead with him telling him that I will do everything possible to show him that I can be a safe partner for him and want to do anything to help with his healing. Like you, he has said he doesn't know if what I say is sincere or just because my world is imploding on me.

Are you surprised that he does not consider you as a person to be trusted? Someone who will be honest with him?

It will take him a long time to trust your words and even longer to trust you with his heart again.

It can happen eventually.

My wife's EA and her lies destroyed the trust I had in her. I trust her now - kinda. Once a man is made to look like a fool because he trusted his wife 100% and was shown by her how stupid that was, the trust never returns totally.

Buffer posted 10/25/2019 21:10 PM

Find as safe place for you and DD, be supportive and work to show you are a safe partner for him.

Good luck

LifeDestroyer posted 10/26/2019 12:43 PM

I'm putting my big girl pants on and signing for an apartment right now. Weirding the office people out with my tears while signing.

JBWD posted 10/26/2019 12:48 PM

Let ‘em be weirded out, friend!

“Nothing to be afraid of folks, humans do tend to cry...”

NoOptTo posted 10/26/2019 12:48 PM

Wishing you well LD. Hope it's the one you wanted from the beginning that is across from the park.

Now that your seeing the consequences to your actions, you can follow your new IC advise and start to truly begin to delve into your whys and develop better boundaries for yourself in the future whether your BS takes you back or you find someone new.

As others have said, keep showing your BH that your not giving up on him. Do that by improving yourself.

LifeDestroyer posted 10/26/2019 12:52 PM

It's not the park one. It's at the complex we lived at right before buying our home. Better place, cheaper, and 5 minutes from our school.

Lifeitself posted 10/26/2019 13:14 PM

Good luck LD and N!
Is it close to the house too?

LifeDestroyer posted 10/26/2019 13:23 PM

I will be less than 15 minutes away. 2 minutes from my dad and the big park we always go to.

Lifeitself posted 10/26/2019 15:04 PM

Then that’s very convenient. And sorry if it sounds like a series of questions and answers LD, but when it comes to your weekly check in; I guess that’s going to be the crucial part of the next phase of your relationship with your H. Have you discussed with him how you’ll do the check ins? Would it be phone calls or something like a date night every week where you discuss where you are in your trial separation journey? The latter sounds more productive to me.

[This message edited by Lifeitself at 3:12 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 10/26/2019 15:55 PM

Have you discussed with him how you’ll do the check ins? Would it be phone calls or something like a date night every week where you discuss where you are in your trial separation journey? The latter sounds more productive to me.

We haven't really discussed how the check ins will take place. I don't expect the first one to happen for awhile, maybe not for a month. I say that because he said that he wants to go awhile with NC other than when we see each other to drop off/pick up our daughter. He said he doesn't know how long that NC will be. Of course I would love it if we had a "date," but I don't know if that is something he would want. It probably won't be a phone call because he despises speaking on the phone. The only thing I know is that it is going to be very hard for me to not contact him in any way or try to talk to him when we hand off our daughter. That sentence was so weird to write.

NoOptTo posted 10/26/2019 16:07 PM

He says he wants NC. You need to address to him how your going to communicate back n forth about DD. Whether its email, txt, or phone call. Remember your both going to be learning how to co-parent together while being apart. As long as you only talk about DD, you will be adhering to NC about your martial relationship. You need to have this talk with him and have boundaries set up before moving out.

LifeDestroyer posted 10/26/2019 17:42 PM

And we will. We will have a plan written out for the whole thing. He has already told me a few things, that I have agreed to, that will be a part of the plan.

landclark posted 10/26/2019 21:36 PM

I know it’s a big step in what for you must feel like the wrong direction, but I’m glad you were able to find a suitable place for you and your daughter. I hope you can both be comfortable there for as long as needed. Maybe you could buy yourself some fun decor, or take your daughter shopping for her new bedroom, to try and make it feel a little more homey. Not sure if you have TJ Maxx and that suite of stores nearby, but they always seem to have cute girl room stuff.

LifeDestroyer posted 10/27/2019 00:06 AM

We've told her she'll get to decorate her new room. She got excited about that. She really likes the movie The Descendents, so I'm going to see if they have any bedsheets with the characters.

LifeDestroyer posted 10/27/2019 10:02 AM

I scroll through the marketplace on FB for furniture. I will need to get living room furniture and a buy a new mattress for her bed. I told him last night that mind keeps bouncing back and forth between the thoughts
"this is not real<-->this has to happen."

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