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He Says I Ask Too Many Questions...?

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Skoochnski posted 10/21/2019 02:50 AM

Iím new here so Iím sorry if I donít have all of the abbreviations correct.
My husband and I have been married for 17 years. (4 kids) Heís had several emotional affairs through the years and recently two emotional/ almost (so he says) physical affairs with two women 20 years his junior- one a former co-worker and one a current co-worker (heís her supervisor).
He swears that heís told me everything, Iím his ďone and onlyĒ his ďreason for livingĒ his ďprincessĒ the ďonly one who matters.
But I keep finding odd things that I never noticed before. Like he had me screened out of his posts on Facebook. I could never see his friends list or anything that he posted or anything that he liked or anything that people tagged him in.
If you go to Facebook you will see that you have to physically change those settings but he swears that he didnít do that.
He has since deactivated his Facebook profile which greatly upset me because it seems to me like heís letting these two women steal all of the memories that we shared on our timelines- Thera pictures of our children throughout the years that I can never recover. But he refuses to reactivate his Facebook change the settings and give me access to it because he says all it does is feed my questions.

Itís been a little over a month since I found out all of this and he seems to think I should be over it by now but Iím not.

He wants me to start counseling before heíll take another step in transparency. Although he did agree to changing his phone number after I broke down and cried.


Am I wrong to have questions? He says he feels like itís an inquisition and he feels attacked but I just want to know where everything went wrong.

Stumblingon posted 10/21/2019 02:59 AM

But he refuses to reactivate his Facebook change the settings and give me access to it because he says all it does is feed my questions.

On the face of it it sounds like classic gaslighting. I imagine he deactivated it to hide his activity and he is blaming your paranoia to evade accountability.

Magicry posted 10/21/2019 03:09 AM

Hi Skoochnski
I understand how u feel.
I went thru the exact same thing.

He denies Been intimate with AP.
He also.reactivated his Facebook.
Every time I mention the A. He finds away out the conversation. All he doe is say sorry.

Its also been a month since I found out.

This place is a great way to find comfort. The people here helped me a great deal.

I have good and bad days.

Since I found out WH has been nothing but great to me. He wants to move on but its hard to trust and forgive.

Hope this helps. You are not alone. Ypu are a beatiful person, remeber that

Magicry posted 10/21/2019 03:10 AM

Sorry meant deactivated

Skoochnski posted 10/21/2019 03:15 AM

@Magicry- yes. Iím getting the ďprincess treatmentĒ too. But it feels like heís just painting a broken bridge. Sure, it looks all glittery and new, but the foundation is trashed.

bookworm19 posted 10/21/2019 04:18 AM

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
His behaviour is typical gaslighting.

He wants me to start counseling before heíll take another step in transparency. Although he did agree to changing his phone number after I broke down and cried.

HE want's YOU to start counseling? This just made my blood boil. This is the bloodiest red flag I have ever seen. What you know is obviously just the tip of the iceberg. He is "afraid" you will break down after his revelations. He is preparing the stage for just more gaslighting.

And no, you have all the right to ask whatever you want. There are people here, me included, who ask questions ten years after.

amethyst0323 posted 10/21/2019 04:39 AM

Iím so sorry you are going through this.

When I first found out about my husband EA/ one Skype sex session affair he was defensive/reluctant to answer my questions. Wanted me to move on.

Four months later I discovered the affair was ongoing and threw him out. He confessed to a full on PA and gave me all the details.

Since getting the truth/the affair ending he has been patient, kind and taking full responsibility.

In my experience people react as your husband is doing when they still have something to hide. You deserve far better. Good luck.

Marie2792 posted 10/21/2019 04:45 AM

He has crappy boundaries to be getting involved with coworkers so often. He should be looking at counseling. Please donít buy into this love bombing going on right now. Itís meant to distract you from his wrongdoings. Deactivating Facebook isnít deleting. He could be using this time to go in and delete all things suspect, clean it up nice and remove any friends you would seem inappropriate. Then when heís sure heís scrubbed it down ...you will have access and the settings will be restored so you can see it. By the way, Iíd my husband had told me that he didnít change the settings so I couldnít see anything, heís best find out how to fix it fast. That wouldnít fly in my house.

IC isnít a bad idea for you. He is gaslighting you and right now he isnít a candidate for reconciliation. Iím sure heíd like you to rugsweep. If you do that, youíll be here again soon. Ask me how I know.


Please know your worth and donít let him walk all over you.

cocoplus5nuts posted 10/21/2019 05:59 AM

I am sorry has and is doing this to you.

He is gaslighting and love bombing you in hopes you will rugsweep. He will cheat again if you allow that.

Also, don't believe for 1 second that nothing physical happened. Adults in close proximity who are having an EA will almost certainly have some sort of physically romantic and/or sexual contact.

He blocked you from, and then deactivated, his Facebook because he's doing things on there that he shouldn't. He's still lying and keeping secrets from you.

He doesn't get to decide what happens next. You do. Tell him you won't even consider R (assuming you would) until he tells you everything and takes full responsibility for it all. A polygraph might be necessary.

Brokenandsolost posted 10/21/2019 06:20 AM

I was led to believe my WW emotional affair was not physical at all. She lied to me every which way she could for more than a year before I suggested we arrange a polygraph test for her. Things changed pretty quick after that. Cheaters lie it's what they do. And it hurts

Millgirl posted 10/21/2019 06:33 AM

He wants me to start counseling before heíll take another step in transparency. Although he did agree to changing his phone number after I broke down and cried.

No, no, no! He doesn't get to make the rules. He doesn't get to tell you what you need. Clearly he is up to way more than he is telling you and he is manipulating you to keep the heat off of himself.

tushnurse posted 10/21/2019 07:34 AM

Welcome Skoo

First I want to say - Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. He is hiding so much he had to deactivate his FB and was willing lose family memories over it.... read that again. He is definitely hiding something.

Additionally you state this isn't your first rodeo w/ this nonsense. You deserve much better. Why don't you try something completely different this time with him.
1. See an attorney - find out your rights, and his obligations. Figure out what you want and need from him.
2. Go get full STD testing, and make him do it too. If it was just an EA he should hop at the chance to prove he is right. It also makes him understand that you no longer trust him, and you are going to protect yourself. Remember the full STD test includes blood work, and physical exam.
3. Read up in the healing library, read up on the 180. Learn how to find your voice and demand better from him.

(((And Strength))))

Want2BHappyAgain posted 10/21/2019 07:53 AM

(((HUGS)))

You have been given great advice here . For ME...when my H would get defensive...it was a clear sign that he was hiding something.

He didn't have Facebook...but he had Tagged. He deactivated it...but I was able to figure out his password and started doing a little sleuthing. I found more information out that he didn't know was there. This information validated what he was telling me though...which helped to build up trust.

People on here talk about a "cheater's handbook". It's because the ACTIONS of most cheaters are very similar. When a cheater starts out saying it is only an EA...then gets defensive like your husband is doing...9 times out of 10...it is because it was NOT just an EA. Your husband may be the 1 out of 10 who really did just have an EA...but his ACTIONS sure don't point to it .

Y'all may have been a TEAM in your M before...but your H breached his part of the contract. NOW...you need to look after YOU Dear Lady. Your gut is screaming because you know something isn't right. ALWAYS trust your gut!!!

Also remember...ACTIONS over WORDS right now. Cheaters are liars...and it seems your husband has been practicing some lying words to use to get into these affairs. He may think he can charm you with those words too. But YOU Dear Lady...aren't like the women he is cheating with. They are WEAK to fall for this...you are STRONG .

ASK all the questions you want...as many times as you want...until your gut stops screaming. The answers you need are there...and your husband...if he truly feels you are his princess...will treat you like this and answer your questions.

Please don't hesitate too long in getting into his Facebook or other places to look for information. I did...and information was lost that I couldn't recover.

The1stWife posted 10/21/2019 09:03 AM

Typical cheater bullshit!!!!

🚩 you have to go to counseling before HE will provide you with access to FB or answers to questions or ďtake another step towards transparencyĒ

Heís hiding things. You KNOW it. Unfortunately you just have no concrete proof except his shady behavior. He may still be in contact with the AP/OW. His hiding things make him suspect in his intentions.

Get yourself a counselor to support you. Heís playing mind games and being manipulative. His words (love of my life and all that) do not MATCH his actions (not full transparency).

He is not remorseful. Without remorse he most likely will cheat again. Ask me how I know. BTDT. Except the second Affair I stood up to my H and tons him at DDay2 I had no choice but to D him.

Do not accept this behavior from him. Heís lying to you. And not being transparent. Two signs the affair or contact may be ongoing.

Cooley2here posted 10/21/2019 09:04 AM

Look up narcissists and sociopaths. Both are personality disorders.

MamaDragon posted 10/21/2019 09:28 AM

So he wants you to go to IC before he takes another step into transparency? It doesn't work like that - he needs to give you 100% transparency now to everything.

The reason he doesn't want to do this is because he is guilty of more than he has told you & doesn't want you to find out. Keep pushing.

You could also go to an IC, it helped me during my FWH affair - but not in the way your WH is thinking, it helped me to be stronger, more independent...something your FWH will not be expecting. You can suggest he attend IC and MC as well...

If he is the supervisor of one of the APs, she or he has to quit or move. I'd be telling his boss and if they have significant others, they would know too. I'd blast his behavior to anyone who would listen - bc otherwise he is going to try and blame you when it all blows up. It will blow up too. It always does

The1stWife posted 10/21/2019 11:19 AM

Also what will stop him from having an Affair with another coworker or someone he supervises?

He has no accountability and refuses to be transparent.

These are 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

KingofNothing posted 10/21/2019 11:38 AM

But he refuses to reactivate his Facebook change the settings and give me access to it because he says all it does is feed my questions.

What the actual fuck. Sorry, I hate to be blunt but you have EVERY right to have your questions answered. Every right! He is a liar, an emotional abuser and he's indulging in classic gaslighting.. making you feel like the bad guy when it was he who betrayed you.. multiple times!

What in the world do you think is worth saving?

sisoon posted 10/21/2019 12:39 PM

Your H doesn't have to change at all, and it looks like he hasn't changed much if anything about himself. Among other things, it looks like he wants you to change, even though he cheated.

He's blaming the wrong person for his As. He cheated because of his own issues, not because of any issues with you or your M. He doesn't get that. That's very negative for R.

His not answering questions means he's protecting himself and his own dysfunctions. It means he doesn't want to change - and that's very negative for R.

He needs to change only 1) if he wants to R; 2) if you set requirements for R; or 3) or he wants to change from cheater to good partner.

So my advice is to set requirements for R - and I mean 'requirements': if he doesn't meet them, you D.

Common requirements include

NC - no contact with ap; if ap initiates contact, report to BS and together decide how to respond

Honesty - WS answers BS's questions when they're asked, although sometimes a break is necessary, sometimes an answer is best deferred to MC session, etc., but his new rule has to be 'no more lies.'

Transparency - BS has passwords to e-mail, voice-mail, phones, social media, etc.; WS keeps BS informed of whereabouts, activities, and companions at all times

IC for WS - to change from betrayer to good partner, with signed release that enables C to talk with BS about WS's goals and progress (so the BS can make sure WS's IC isn't being lied to).

IC for BS - for support

MC - to help communications between the partners

Some (Most?) people have individual requirements - for example, my W had to arrange dates for us on a weekly basis.

*****

Answering questions is crucial. Every truthful answer builds trust - very slowly; Every truthful answer builds bonds.

Every question is an opportunity to step up.

Every question is an opportunity for the WS to take responsibility for his actions.

Every question is a test - if he steps up, it's positive for R; if he doesn't, it's negative. You keep score - and D if he doesn't step up.

*****

To R, you heal you; he heals him; together you heal your M.

At this point, he seems happy with himself, but that doesn't need to keep you from healing on your own. Like others, I urge you to do that - you may or may not be able to R, but you certainly can heal and move on.

At this point, your H isn't a good candidate for R. That may change. If you set requirements and show that he has to meet them or D, he may decide to take responsibility for himself.

*****

I recommend setting requirements quickly - if he's having any sort of A with a subordinate, he's very vulnerable, IMO.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:42 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

Chaos posted 10/21/2019 13:29 PM

Aaaaww poor little muffin. You ask too many questions.

Perhaps if he wasn't involved with too damn many women this wouldn't be happening now would it?

Itís been a little over a month since I found out all of this and he seems to think I should be over it by now.

Well boo fricky hoo. He doesn't get to play victim to circumstances he created.

He wants me to start counseling before heíll take another step in transparency

IDGAF what he wants. He doesn't get to call the shots. If/when you are strong enough - he says stupid shit like that again show him the door.

He says he feels like itís an inquisition and he feels attacked

Poor baby! And on top of everything else you want him to be humble and honest?!?! How's he going to get his precious ego kibbles and pretend things aren't that bad? How can he be forced to look at himself? How can he figure out a way to keep doing what he's been doing now that you are on to him?

I can't muster up the energy for any more sarcasm. He's using every trick in the Wayward Handbook and thinking he's being clever.

Read from the Healing Library. And charge up your Bull Shit Detector. May as well get a Proctologist on Speed Dial in case he needs help removing his head from his ass. You can find a good one by googling L-A-W-Y-E-R.


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