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Unable to complete sex - tips?

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betrayedSHeart posted 11/4/2019 23:00 PM

Don't know if this is better suited for R or General forum so here it goes.

I've posted similar topics in the past. I was just looking over my posting history and more than a year later... same issues although this question is somewhat different than those I've posed previously

My question is - do you, my fellow BS, also fall out of the mood during sex? I can get into it at first and then the mind movies start up and I can't remember what he did or didn't do with M-COW and then I just feel so disgusted by him. Sometimes I fake it and get through. Obviously it isn't satisfying. Usually he can tell when this happens and we end up stopping and fighting. Not sure if the hours of fighting are worth it. Do the rest of you just "power through" and get it over with? Are there any tactics that actually work to make it somewhat enjoyable?

It's been over 3 years. I really don't know if this ever gets better. Is this just the life that BS have to live?

I'm in IC. It's been years and multiple different "experts."

I know most people would say to cut my losses and run. My situation is more complicated than it seems based on my simple signature here. I'm sure the same is true for many of us.

Anyway. Another sleepless night so I thought I'd throw it out there and see if anybody has any tips.

Jameson1977 posted 11/4/2019 23:58 PM

Hi betrayedSHeart,

I'm a BH and I have trouble finishing with my wife. It is better now (4 years out), but I still have periods where A stuff gets into my head and I have a difficult time finishing. We have tried role play and other things which helps, but it does frustrate me. It's a strange feeling, I'll be totally into it, get started, then I get to a certain point and I cant get any further along. I try to visualize more positive things but it's tough as sex is one of the biggest trigger for BS's.

Incarnate posted 11/5/2019 00:34 AM

I am a young, relatively healthy BH. In the five years that I THOUGHT we were in R, I developed performance issues, which I had never had before in my life. I would get struck by mind movies of her with her first AP, and my ability to -maintain- was gone. She would, of course, notice and ask what was wrong, and I'd have to just brush it off that either I'd missed one of my anxiety pills or something like that. Of course she would do NOTHING to help me along; no foreplay, no real participation at all. She would just lay there and 'wait for me to deal with it.' If it didn't happen, we fought. She said I was making a big deal out of nothing and doing it to myself, and I felt that a little participation would go a long way.

Well, the last time we did anything was in June, and it was about as flat and dull as could be, then she cut me off to keep herself clean for her OM and OW that she went to meet and be physical with in August, so I don't have any tips there.

Mostly, the ONLY tip I have is to be completely honest with your WH. If he can, in any way, be supportive and understanding, then maybe you'll start to feel safe with him again. I don't mean safe like "omg he's gonna physically hurt me" but safe as in he's not going to abuse your heart with his actions again. That's what always broke me in those situations; the fear that my ex was going to do it again.

Well, she did. Hopefully, your WH can be understanding and help you come around and heal. Maybe he can put in some of the work in the bedroom if the balance is normally reversed.

standinghere posted 11/5/2019 01:22 AM

I would recommend you continue with the IC, and that won't help the "performance" issues very much. However, that will help you deal with the personal side of it.

For the sexual issues, with the spouse, you might go to couples therapy, but both of you have to be "all in" otherwise it likely won't work.

Faking enjoying it is actually counterproductive, as is fighting, etc. I'm not criticizing, just letting you know that this all increases the dysfunction.

I'm no expert, but my FWS and I have had major sexual issues in our marriage, a lot of it was hidden from me just like her affair, and she had refused to talk about it, for the entirety of our marriage (I had tried multiple times to get her to talk). It was all a huge jumble of sexual dysfunction due to abuse, rape, neglect, etc, which was all hidden. Needless to say, when we got into MC, there was a lot of revelation, and I had to learn a lot about my FWS and her "issues". Trust was a major issue. She didn't trust anyone, not me, not anyone, and lived that way in secret. It extended into all sorts of things.

Affairs are abuse of the partner in the relationship, it destroys trust, it hammers intimacy, and what many people deal with in the fallout from a D-Day is what you are experiencing.

Your FWS must establish trust again, and you have to determine if it is real, and then if you can both do that you can work on this issue together, both of you knowing that it is an issue, both acknowledging it, and not fighting through it or powering over it, etc.

FWIW, 3 years is still damn close to betrayal, the mind movies are fucking intimacy killers, and just the fact that you are not divorced is a minor miracle. Reestablishing intimacy (not sexual intercourse or orgasms) is extremely hard, but can be done with a focus on that particular aspect. My FWS and I were in MC for 4 complete years, she is still in IC (9 years later). That is what it took us.

ISuferedToGrowUp posted 11/5/2019 02:13 AM

Go to a homeopath and ask for something for trauma and mind movies. Explain all the situatiom of your trauma and give something about how your mind works. Im sure you will notice the difference in the 1st remedy. Hlmeopathy is a great help in trauma and PTSD situations. I had to be helped in the beggining of this year after suffering the WORST TRAUMA IN MY ENTIRE LIFE (i promise it was even worse than infidelity) and the difference after 1 only dose was notoceable for me inside .y head and for people around me (thats all i needed: 1 dose never repeated).

Justsomeguy posted 11/5/2019 08:46 AM

Apart from the hysterical bonding which I attribute to my primate brain, I developed issues with my wife sexually. Because of what she had done, even her body disgusted me and she is a reasonably attractive woman. I guess ugly just works its way through from the inside. Maybe this was just a dealbreaker for you and you have not admitted it to yourself? It's hard to feel like you've given up after all the work youve put in, but maybe it's a sunk cost investment.

sisoon posted 11/5/2019 09:58 AM

I recommend going with your flow. If you feel like stopping in the middle, stop. Ask your H to help your through the mind movies, perhaps. Let the movies play to the end. Start sex again if that seems attractive.

Be you.

If your H doesn't like the authentic you, do you really need him?

betrayedSHeart posted 11/6/2019 16:59 PM

Thanks everybody for taking time to post. I'm in a bit of a time crunch but I'd like to thank you all for your insights.

@ Jameson - I can relate. I hadn't really thought of role play as a possible solution. Might be worth trying. What do you mean when you say you 'try to think of more positive things?' Just let your mind wander to a different topic / imagine you're doing something else?

@Incarnate, I sometimes have performance issues too. I guess it's 'easier' for women in a sense to just fake it but still... doesn't really lead to a fun time.

We have done MC. Honestly I'm getting therapied out. So much money and time spent and I feel like I have nothing to show for it. Multiple ICs, MCs, ....

FWIW, 3 years is still damn close to betrayal, the mind movies are fucking intimacy killers, and just the fact that you are not divorced is a minor miracle.

^^ this resonates with me. I didn't even know mind movies were a thing until this shit storm hit.

And yes, I've definitely considered (almost daily) that this IS a dealbreaker. I guess it is for everybody, to some extent. But it's hard to let go. Sometimes his body disgusts me too because all I can think of is her all over him.

I guess the only positive is that we're all in this together here at SI. thanks everybody-

WhoTheBleep posted 11/6/2019 17:07 PM

I was pretty good at compartmentalizing during sex with WH after DDay. I used his body for physical pleasure. My mind was somewhere else. He didn't know this, of course.

Now, with SO, a man who HASN'T betrayed me in the worst way possible, I can't even describe how much more satisfying sex is. Not because the physical part is better, but because my entire being (body, mind, heart and soul) is present in the moment.

I don't know how you ever get to that place with a cheater. Even a former cheater.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 5:09 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/7/2019 08:39 AM

If it's been over 3 years and he gets angry that you get triggered during sex, you are not in R. More likely, you've been rugsweeping. Things will not improve in that situation.

If you really want to have enjoyable sex with him, remove your emotions from the equation. Make it all about your physical sensations. Imagine you are having sex with your fantasy man. I can't tell you how many times I've had sex with Dean Winchester from the TV show, Supernatural. Damn, he's good!

Or, are you having sex with your CH put of a sense of obligation, or maybe fear? If that's the case, stop. You are not obligated to have sex with him just because you are married. And, having sex with him will not keep him from cheating again if that's what he wants to do.

ShatteredSakura posted 11/7/2019 09:53 AM

Or, are you having sex with your CH put of a sense of obligation, or maybe fear? If that's the case, stop. You are not obligated to have sex with him just because you are married. And, having sex with him will not keep him from cheating again if that's what he wants to do.


I second this. I've been down that rabbit hole of just giving them what they want despite how I've felt, but there were times I didn't because of the mind movies or outright feeling trauma afterwards (she'd be glowing and I'd feel this horrible dread, for example). My ex-WW more than once even accused me of being abusive when I denied her sex and couldn't understand how emotionally painful it could be. I did have to sometimes think of someone else because if I thought of her, that bastard would then pop into my mind.

In her mind not seeing him for weeks/months, but refusing to do NC and talking to him every day constituted as her "trying really hard" to work on our relationship. And that I wasn't the one trying, because I was so negative about the affair or deny her sex...she'd like to bring up about the cases where a BS continues to harp on about the affair drives the other person away...but usually in those cases the affair is over, not currently going on!!

Being intimate with her didn't stop her at all. I only enabled her cake eating.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 9:59 AM, November 7th (Thursday)]

Incarnate posted 11/7/2019 10:38 AM

...she'd like to bring up about the cases where a BS continues to harp on about the affair drives the other person away...

My STBXW used exactly this as a justification for her second (and exit) affair. The thing is, I didn't bring up her previous affair NEARLY as much as she did. I wanted to move on. She wanted to use it as a foil to prove I was still mad at her.

ShatteredSakura posted 11/7/2019 11:00 AM

I *wish* I got a chance to have it end and see how I do with moving on. It would have been hard for sure at first...and I think we both were worried that it may never have happened considering how long her affair went on and how messed up it was. But I wish I at least got the chance.

She didn't realize her actions brought it up (felt like it was rubbed in my face) a lot, because if I didn't react then I'd just be a walking mat.

But there were some times I was triggered by something other than her. Like one of the last times we were at a mall and I was reminded of Valentine's Day this year when I took her out to a restaurant there. I had these intense feelings come up that she A) still hadn't ended things and being outside holding her hand felt wrong, B) Valentine's Day (all of 2019 for that matter) was a lie and she was secretly having sex with the AP while she was supposedly "working on our relationship"

So those times I ruined the moment or upset her because I'm "so negative all the time" . Maybe if you don't want to be reminded of my trauma, end things with the douchebag!!!

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 11:00 AM, November 7th (Thursday)]

Thumos posted 11/7/2019 13:15 PM

My question is - do you, my fellow BS, also fall out of the mood during sex? I can get into it at first and then the mind movies start up and I can't remember what he did or didn't do with M-COW and then I just feel so disgusted by him. Sometimes I fake it and get through. Obviously it isn't satisfying.

Yes, universal problem. I don't have any great answers. For BH's, unfortunately, it's impossible to conceal.

Jameson1977 posted 11/7/2019 18:00 PM

betrayedSHeart, when the A pops into my head during sex, I try to focus on only on my WW, I work harder to please her, I do enjoy her getting off on what I'm doing, so I try to push the negative thoughts out of my mind and focus on the now.

Role playing has helped, but I also see this as a symptom of a problem.

My WW PA destroyed my confidence. I am on ED medication because I wasn't able to get it up with her (I could on my own). The medication works great, but it doesnt help finishing.

Not so much anymore, but after dday, I felt like I was competing with a ghost. My wife chose another man over me, he must have been better than me.

Subconsciously, I worked my ass off in bed. My wife is one of the 15% of women that can climax easily and through many different ways. For me (pre-dday) it was an ego boost. Now, I feel like I have to be better every time. It's a mind f#ck for sure.

My wife tells me that since dday, the sex we have is the best we have ever had. O believe her. I'm working my ass off fighting a ghost?!? It kind of pisses me off though. She has an A, destroys our life together, and she is punished with the best sex of her life.

Aumanny99 posted 11/7/2019 18:39 PM

Don't force things. If you are no longer attracted to her over this, it might be more fair to both of you to just call it quits.

A fresh start with someone new can alleviate all things symptoms. Why fight the inevitable. Cheating is gross and sick and vomit inducing. That's why it hurts us so much. ED meds? Roleplaying. All these are band aids.

strugglebus posted 11/7/2019 18:50 PM

If you are falling out of the mood directly due to trauma your partner inflicted and they fight with you about it- it’s no wonder you aren’t feeling the sexual chemistry. Maybe if you had a partner that acted as if your feelings mattered things would go more smoothly.

Regular therapy did not help me with mind movies, EMDR therapy did wonders.

But having my partner grow into an empathetic, loving human who puts my feelings first and sits with me through triggers made the biggest difference

MyAnimals posted 11/7/2019 18:57 PM

This sucks!!! I mean let’s face it, sex is either the foundation, or at least the glue in most relationships.

2 comments, and I hope this isn’t too personal:

1) have you tried slowing down? Meaning more foreplay. And by you I mean him. I’m a guy and it really helps me if I can get very relaxed. So relaxed that I can focus on the present and not let my mind wander.

2) are there specific mind movies that come up? If so it may be possible to pick them apart with tricks. For example TMI WARNING: my ww told one of her APs that her ribs hurt the next day. Well guess what I think about when I can feel her ribs? So when that happens I switch spots so I can’t feel them.

Sometimes I have more general mind movies and those are usually harder to deal with. Most of those are “made up” in the sense that they’re usually relating to something I feel I’m still being lied to about or don’t have a full version. Those are infinitely harder to deal with. And a larger issue.

20yrsagoBS posted 11/7/2019 19:48 PM

Yup!

I picture him putting his tiny soft dick in that nasty skank and the mood dies

Or, I remember that he chose to lie to me for 25 years and the mood dies

Too bad in infidelity “practice” doesn’t “make perfect”

20yrsagoBS posted 11/7/2019 20:51 PM

OP?


Why not be selfish during sex?

Imagine you’re plowing a great woman who’d never cheat

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