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Unable to complete sex - tips?

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betrayedSHeart posted 11/13/2019 08:54 AM

I was away for a few days so I got behind on this thread but want to thank everyone for taking the time to respond.

@ coco, yes I think there is some element of fear in it. Like, if I don't have sex with him x number of times/week, then maybe he'll start looking for a side piece again. I don't think that would happen, but who knows for sure. Also, I have a high sex drive myself so I actually do want sex.

Maybe if you don't want to be reminded of my trauma, end things with the douchebag!!!

^^ probably not a bad idea. I've certainly heard this idea from friends and multiple ICs IRL too. But (for now at least) I'm trying to make it work. It may be the only surefire way to put an end to mind movies, intrusive thoughts, and all this other shit BS go through.

@ Jameson, Thanks for taking the time to reply too. This resonated with me:

My wife tells me that since dday, the sex we have is the best we have ever had. O believe her. I'm working my ass off fighting a ghost?!? It kind of pisses me off though. She has an A, destroys our life together, and she is punished with the best sex of her life.

Well, in my case WH doesn't say this is the best sex we have ever had. I guess that's all in the past. But I too feel like I'm fighting a ghost half the time. Only in my case I don't 'step up my game to out perform it' but rather freeze up or just go through the motion. It's sick though. They have the A(s) and get rewarded with great sex with the BS.

@Animals. Good questions; not too personal at all.
In terms of slowing down. Yes, sometimes we do try that. I think it does help but WH doesn't like to do that all the time so it isn't always an option. The movies are often more general. Flashes of them in the positions we're in. Flashes of the MOW doing particular acts. All the enjoyment they had.

My IC doesn't really help me break the mind movies apart or give solid advice on what to do. And yes, it's probably time for a new IC...

Imagine you’re plowing a great woman who’d never cheat

As a note, I am the BW married to a man. But I see your point. Unfortunately I don't have the best imagination

LLXC posted 11/13/2019 12:12 PM

I don't know of this is helpful or not but a few months before the end, I could not bring myself to have sex with him
I now believe my body knew before my mind did.

Maybe your body is trying to tell you something. I'm not saying to run, just listen to what your body is telling you and go from there.

nekonamida posted 11/13/2019 12:50 PM

Betrayed, if you're all therapied out, don't stress yourself by trying to do more. Take a break. You deserve it. When you're ready, try again. No point in throwing more time, money, and energy down the drain if you're not feeling it.

I have to wonder if maybe the issue isn't you. Like LLXC said, maybe it's your body telling you something. Like that you're not comfortable with a man who betrayed you and now fights you when you trigger when you're most vulnerable. The key probably lies in his behavior. But as many suggested, DON'T keep doing something you're not comfortable doing no matter what he does. If that means another DDay or the end of R, so be it.

free2016 posted 11/13/2019 13:00 PM

well not sure if it helps you.
I'm only able to enjoy sex with WH by completely detaching myself emotionally. He is a body with a dick that is there to please me, a male wh..re, that he really is . Any cheater is that by the definition, I could not do it otherwise.
Not the best scenario, by like you I am not in a position to D right now, neither am I interested in giving up sex at all. Another option is to have a man on the side, but I doubt WH would be happy.
So much for the "new marriage" after A that some here advocate.

ann1960 posted 11/14/2019 01:53 AM

I’m the odd duck here. It turns me on to think about their sex and in my head I will say, you stupid fat ugly lazy bitch let me show you how to get dirty...I can do everything better than you!

Take the suggestions made by others to make this about you! You deserve that great orgasm, don’t let the OW take that pleasure. Please!!! You are surrendering the power over to her… Don’t… Do… It! She’s a skank, not a devoted precious wife. Her role was sex, how long do you think their relationship would have lasted without it? Don’t give it credit. Take it back now. Do not let her destroy even one more time in the bedroom between you and your husband. Use the mind movies and up the anti. You’ll have fun and he’ll be amazed. It will also give him guilt knowing that the whole time he had this at home.

I can’t thank the ow enough for the ravenous sex life she’s literally given to me. This is just being honest. I hadn’t had sex in 10 years. She woke both me and my WH up and we have the best sex we’ve ever had. It’s amazing what competition and jealousy did for me. Am I glad for the A? Heeeeeelllll no. But one of the benefits “i” got was a great sex life. I imagine that if she knew she was his tool and I benefited from it it would make her steaming mad and possibly she would have not given it to him.

Good luck. I hope I wasn’t too hard on you. Lol. Remember after your amazing mind blowing sexcapde you won! Sex is super important to your marriage. You husband needs to know you’re in.

An idea. Oh boy I’m going to get my self in some trouble now. How about watching porn? As a twist once in awhile. Focus on what the people are doing and try not to think about her. And if you do one up her!

My thinking cap is on...how about talking during sex? Make it a game. “Do you love me?” “Ah what I can’t hear you”

Here’s a fun one...blind fold him. (Yes it feels a little silly, maybe). Have stashed A mixture of honey and lemon, Tabasco sauce, minty Chapstick, chocolate chips. Put one of those things in your mouth and kiss him. Have him guess. My point to these games are they can be fun, interesting and because you’re interacting and having to think about the next step and grabbing for stuff it may make you forget about the mind movies.

Rideitout posted 11/14/2019 06:59 AM

I’m the odd duck here. It turns me on to think about their sex and in my head I will say, you stupid fat ugly lazy bitch let me show you how to get dirty...I can do everything better than you!

You're not alone, it turns me on too. In fact, it's pretty common, at least from what I read about it (let's just say I was deeply confused by my reaction). I'd say I have both problems, difficulty "finishing" but, yes, I'm also turned on by the thoughts of the sex they had together. I hate it. It's a total mind f**k. I can only compare it to what it must be like to be attracted to a group of people who are off limits (children, for example). Yes, it's a "kink" and yes, it's somewhat common, but that doesn't make it good, right, acceptable, or, most importantly, WANTED by the person who finds their attraction skewing in an unacceptable direction. I suspect a lot of people really struggle with it, much like I struggle with my "attraction" to her sex during the affair.

And yes, even though it turns me on, I do still have trouble sometimes (that I never had in the past). But that's more thinking "She'd rather be with him" than it is thinking about the sex.

DevastatedDee posted 11/14/2019 10:13 AM

Maybe your body is trying to tell you something. I'm not saying to run, just listen to what your body is telling you and go from there.

I second that. My vagina is very wise, apparently. She knows things before I do. From here on out, I'm listening.

LLXC posted 11/14/2019 14:53 PM

You husband needs to know you’re in.

Why does he need to know she's in? He fucked up.

.Do not let her destroy even one more time in the bedroom between you and your husband

How did she destroy anything? Her husband did it. He cheated.

But who knows? Maybe my way of thinking is wrong. OP, do what feels right. Maybe experiment. Try various things, whatever works, whether it is not having sex to having amazing sex all the time. It is your life and your decisions.

orgasm, don’t let the OW take that pleasure. Please!!! You are surrendering the power over to her… Don’t… Do…

Finally, how is the OW doing anything? OP.is having difficulty allowing her body to be vulnerable with the man who betrayed her.

I gotta add this though. Who is to say she's not getting orgasms? She can't bring herself to have sex with him. Two separate things, not necessarily, but hopefully, related. But maybe, yeah, just focus on him getting you off, if you can do that, and do only what gives you pleasure. Your body might like that.

I seriously want to reiterate. Do what works for you. Only you

betrayedSHeart posted 11/14/2019 16:00 PM

@ Rio & Ann, thanks for your insights. Unfortunately I'm unable to think of anything the two of them did as 'sexy' or a turn-on. I am, however, glad that this works for some of us.

I don't know of this is helpful or not but a few months before the end, I could not bring myself to have sex with him
I now believe my body knew before my mind did.

^^ maybe this is true. It probably is. I know objectively if I read my own story I would say to run. But I can't do it (yet?). So for now I am trying to make the best of my circumstances, which for me, would ideally include decent sex on occasion.

@ RIO

And yes, even though it turns me on, I do still have trouble sometimes (that I never had in the past). But that's more thinking "She'd rather be with him" than it is thinking about the sex.

I think this all the time too about my WH and COW. It's not like they'll ever tell us the truth so there is no way to know.

I view it as the COW AND my WH took this from me. In my mind, they both did it. He didn't do it alone and never did anything like this (as far as I know ) before. The COW is a serial cheater who goes after married men. So I blame both of them although I know that is a whole different discussion and a t/j of my own thread!

@ ANN

I’m the odd duck here. It turns me on to think about their sex and in my head I will say, you stupid fat ugly lazy bitch let me show you how to get dirty...I can do everything better than you!

I really wish I could think this way. But unfortunately I've only ever slept with my WH and the OW has been with tons of men. So I feel I can never compete. The OW (and WH) took away the 'one and only' specialness that we had...

MyAnimals posted 11/14/2019 23:54 PM

So I’m really big on “tricks.” I’ve been experimenting with different ways of disarming triggers. Admittedly sex triggers are some of the toughest. And it is possible that the whole thing is simply a deal breaker for you. In the meantime, some silly things to test/try:

Music. If you’re anything like me music can be touchy. I despise music they “shared”but if you can find something that you like, that doesn’t remind you of the A, and that can be played in the background, it might give you an anchor or safe momentary retreat when movies start playing.

A bubble. I have been experimenting with creating a physical bubble around us during times when I feel like the ghost is hovering. I pull a sheet totally over/around us, over our heads, like a tent. It blocks out the rest of the world and makes it feel like we are alone and protected. It’s hot and sweaty though :)

Cycle through all 5 senses. I know it sucks to break concentration while you’re trying to be intimate, but if the movies are invading anyway it’s worth a shot. Think of 5 things. 1 thing you see, hear, feel, smell, and taste. Going through this “procedure” can be enough to interrupt the movie and get back to business.

There are more, but they escape me at the moment. If any of this is helpful I’d be happy to come back and add. This is important stuff.

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