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Found out wife (39) is having EA with co-worker

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OptionedOut posted 11/8/2019 14:31 PM

No attacking here. Only support. So many wise people here. I wish I had found this place and them years ago.

He will ditch your wife and her entire fantasy will fall apart rapidly. Whether she comes crawling back to you is beside the point. She may not and by that time after your head is clear you may not want her at all.

I agree. And I gently put to you that you are NO ONE'S plan B. Ever. Trust me, this is something that if she comes back and you allow her to AFTER he dumps her then you will feel like plan B. I don't know for how long.

Repeat. And repeat this to yourself. You are NO ONE'S plan B. You are plan A.

And I know this is a s-storm. I know it's the worst thing ever.

Also know the good people here are here for you. We've got your back.

You

Are

No one's

Plan B

fareast posted 11/8/2019 14:45 PM

Masters2020:

As stated by others. Take care of yourself. Exercise can be a life saver to release the tension and stress. Eat as health6 as possible. Protein shakes can help if you have no appetite. Do tell your superior at work what you are going through, or at least a general overview that you are under a lot of stress. They need to know. Rely on a close family member or friend for support.

Your tomorrow will look to you just as today. A faithful BH taking care of his kids and doing his work. Be the stable parent for your kids. You will get through this. Your WWís fantasyland is going to explode. Implement the 180 and get yourself and your children safely out of the blast zone. I understand why you think it wise not to report whatís going on to the CEO. You prefer your WW to be employed if and when you D. I get it. This is a very common concern. But that decision may be taken out of your control by the OBS if she reports her own WH. The POS deserves to be reported for his stupidity and hubris. But you do what is right for you. Always value yourself. You deserve better. So do your children. Be firm and be ready for her to try and come running back. Itís your call from there. You are in control.

LH42301 posted 11/8/2019 14:57 PM

I do not usually post on this site as I will likely be banned as I am pretty blunt and to the point. I take it you desire to save your marriage. If I am correct in my assumption. My humble opinion is you need to go nuclear and report this fraternization to the CEO. You mention you are worried about your finances.
I can tell you from what I know, is if you have a shark attorney, you can reap a very nice settlement. Most companies carry insurance for this, too.

You need to blow this affair up and blow it up now. You need to act in a bold manner, not be timid. The VP of HR is laughing at you, retaliate. He loses he job, he loses your wife most likely, and goes through either a painful divorce or worse. This guy is a preditor you need to neutralize him NOW.

OrdinaryDude posted 11/8/2019 15:00 PM

If nobody has posted it yet, you should avoid the MC completely, there is NOTHING good that can come from that, it can only weaken your position and resolve.

MC is a waste of time and money until both of you have been to IC and have expressed a serious desire for R...simply because the vast majority of MCs have no background in properly dealing with infidelity.

If she asks why, just tell her straight up that she is responsible for her A and until she owns it then you have no desire for R.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 3:02 PM, November 8th (Friday)]

ShutterHappy posted 11/8/2019 15:36 PM

Kiba :

Itís like a telemarketer call. Donít bother arguing. Thereís no point. Itís a waste of time. As long as the wayward is in the fog, thereís no point really.

Masters2020 :

This sucks, plain and simple. I appreciate the responses that don't attack me. I'm a mess, I'm in a dark place, darker than I ever thought in my life. This is the ultimate betrayal, and it's still as fresh as it was almost 3 weeks ago.
His spouse called me this morning and is going to talk to a lawyer. She's going to confront him this Sunday when he comes back from out of town. I'm curious to know my wife's reaction. I'm going to speak to an employment attorney next week. I'm keeping the MC for now. I need counseling myself as well.

This is my life now, and it sucks.

Do you remember this hiker who got his arm stuck between rocks and had to saw off his arm or he would die there?

This forum is filled with one leg one arm posters And here we are, explaining to you why itís logical to saw your arm off.

Sometimes we forget to empathize.. yes it hurts.

But it will get better, I promise!

Sharkman posted 11/8/2019 15:46 PM

Just know that this darkness is temporary. It will pass, and it will pass kore quickly than most because youíve taken concrete actions. It also doesnít hurt that she is not remorseful. It sounds bad, but the worst case scenario is one where you get played.

You can absolutely sue for Alienation of Affection in NC. Since the company is complicit in their affair then they should get a nice letter as well of that is a path that you choose.

If youíre in the Asheville area Iíd happily meet up with you for a beer if you want to vent.

Thumos posted 11/8/2019 16:02 PM

If nobody has posted it yet, you should avoid the MC completely, there is NOTHING good that can come from that, it can only weaken your position and resolve.
MC is a waste of time and money until both of you have been to IC and have expressed a serious desire for R...simply because the vast majority of MCs have no background in properly dealing with infidelity.
If she asks why, just tell her straight up that she is responsible for her A and until she owns it then you have no desire for R.

It's been brought up a lot, but no harm in him seeing it again. He needs to read that over.

Do you remember this hiker who got his arm stuck between rocks and had to saw off his arm or he would die there?
This forum is filled with one leg one arm posters And here we are, explaining to you why itís logical to saw your arm off.

Damn, that one really hits close to home, since I myself am feeling stuck in limbo. Maybe one of the best analogies ever. I actually met that guy a couple of years ago. He had to make a decision and he talked to himself about for a long while, then he made a goodbye video to his family, then he did it. Listening to him talk about how he did was riveting and awful. But yes, this is a lot like that in so many ways.

Mene posted 11/8/2019 16:30 PM

You need to strike first regarding reporting him to his workplace. Before he tries to set the narrative. On Sunday, he will move on it. Send an email to the CEO outlining whatís transpired including (importantly) he brought you in for interviews. And that you will be taking legal action. Firstly, as a VP he should stay clear from having affairs at the workplace and secondly for playing these interview games with you. The CEO will want to limit damage. He will contact the VP before the POS contacts him.

ramius posted 11/8/2019 16:35 PM

"Why destroy 2 families?"

Translation....why make the fact that I destroyed two families, common knowledge? I don't want it known that I am a homewrecker. And if you tell her she can tell others. And I don't want to face the music."

Solipsism on display.

[This message edited by ramius at 4:36 PM, November 8th (Friday)]

TimSC posted 11/8/2019 18:06 PM

Sunrise out her window in Dallas?

The "meet for coffee" she claims was actually room service.

Marz posted 11/8/2019 18:18 PM

Sunrise out her window in Dallas?
The "meet for coffee" she claims was actually room service.

Yep, unfortunately. They all lie a lot.

Newlifeisgreat posted 11/8/2019 18:31 PM

Please read, reread, and reread again Meneí s posts on page 5 and 6!!!!!!

Ponus18 posted 11/8/2019 21:29 PM

Youíre getting world class advice here Masters. Remember, weíve all been there and made it through.

Cancel the MC. Total waste of time while your WW is dating someone else. You need to keep taking control as you have been, and sitting in MC playing make believe doesnít cut it.

Do you have a friend or family to talk to and get support from? We can help a ton given our collective experience, but thereís nothing like the people who love you showing up when you need them.

Good luck brother.

ryno posted 11/8/2019 22:01 PM

Hi Masters

Be strong; you wife my not like you for it, but she will respect you.

I read your post and was touched by the hurt she has inflicted upon you and your children,

Look at your wife in terms of actions v words. You said she was angry at Mr HR because he had made you attend 3 interviews and not offered you a role. But she is in a tryst with him! What does this demonstrate about her character?

Also, the Director who invited your wife to the company would be deeply embarrassed if this became public knowledge within the company, It is a reflection on his judgement, Perhaps a "leaked" rumour about the relationship would assist in bringing this matter to a head,

As for the Dallas sunrise, it brought up images of two pit bulls mating. Get to a place where you do not care anymore and you will survive.

Best regards,

20yrsagoBS posted 11/8/2019 23:11 PM

Masters,


Cheaters are a dime a dozen, your wife just became disposable. Being about this slimy behavior makes us BSs superior and MUCH more attractive.


Donít accept any excuses nor blame for this crap.

If she had married someone besides you, she would have cheated on them. Although this damaged you, you arenít a part of this.

Cheaters are monsters. They feel societyís rules donít apply to them. They are entitled, selfish, evil creatures. Civilized human beings donít harm their families this way. Treat her accordingly.

She behaves like trash, treat her so

de.va.sta.ted posted 11/10/2019 09:26 AM

I am sorry you've found yourself here.

What helped me in the darkest days was to focus on my kids. Spend time with them, take them out. They gave me purpose when I felt most lost, and reminded me that life goes on, regardless of how I am feeling.

Also, try to distract yourself, even if for short periods of time. Your brain and heart need a break. Whether it's exercise, or movies, or podcasts, a hobby, seeing a friend - anything. This is all too much, and you need a break.

You will navigate this. You're in the worst of it. It DOES get better. Legions of us can attest to it.

hansvoleman posted 11/10/2019 18:06 PM

Hi Masters. I hope you and your kids are okay. I was a family function today and was chatting to one of my sisters in law (SIL). This lady is the senior HR executive for a US Fortune 500 company's operations in Europe. I asked a question as to how her company would handle a situation such as yours. "Husband and wife move for wife's career. Wife strikes friendship with senior exec at her new company. Same exec invites husband in for jobs but doesn't give him any of them. Husband finds out that friendship is an affair and both wife and exec have travelled together on business". My SIL was almost climbing the walls at the point this guy offered you work opportunities and then didn't follow through. When I told SIL that the exec is the VP of HR she had kittens but not in an OMG way, more pure anger at the AP for being such a degenerate corporate thug. (SIL meets a lot of them and frequently says the higher up the ladder the bigger the god complex and narcissism). Her observations maybe worth something to you:

- you need separate legal advice/representation for dealing with a divorce and dealing with the company. There are 2 grievances here that will move at different speeds and can be settled in different ways. You don't want/need one to be dependent on the other.

- you may want to use a lawyer local to you for the divorce but consider looking at legal representation by specialists in dealing with corporate malpractices or similar away from where you and the wife's company are located. This is to ensure there is no invisible conflict of interest because everyone is local. (Apparently "local" can mean "all law firms in London" if you are a global bank for example and the subject is board level.)

- the CEO of the company is driven by his shareholders/board. They will expect him to lawyer up and put you to bed as efficiently as possible. Only talk to him once you have had legal advice as to how you deal with the company so you don't undermine any future proceedings. Don't be surprised if he wont talk to you directly. You may be the closest of friends with him but he has to be seen to deal with you as his job function dictates not how he feels otherwise he gets sucked into the personal over professional mess. He should understand that and won't take it personally.

- SIL also suggested you have a plan in case the CEO approaches YOU. As you are not an employee she didn't think it would be done officially but more an off the record conversation. At the very least you should be prepared to record the conversation (by agreement), hear what is said but don't agree to anything until you have legal advice. If this happens (unlikely) this means the company is worried apparently!

- get the details of your wife's contract of employment? Did this guy have any input to her being hired (Head of HR so yes). What does her contract say about management/subordinate relationships? Who paid for your moving costs? What the relocation package for your wife? You presumably have the details of the jobs he thought he might be of interest to you. Apparently anything you can find that might be used to show this guy gave your wife preferential treatment etc while at the same time trashing you could be of use to your lawyer to put AP on the hook for misconduct with any professional body and to ramp up the company's liability. Did I get that your wife didn't initially want to move when offered the job? Do you think you know the real reason? Is there any chance the timeline you have starts earlier?

- do home work on the AP and his professional qualifications. My SIL had to pass a huge range of exams (to get lots of letters after her name) and is a member of a professional organisation that is globally recognised. She needs these to operate at her level. SIL thought was that if this guy is a VP of HR he would stand to lose what SIL and or her boss would (loss of office, professional sanctions) if they did similar. The VP can't be oblivious to what he risks so SIL wonders if this either an exit manoeuvre by both him and your wife or they are confident because the company already knows about them. In the latter, you need legal advice and knowledge of what your wife contract says

SIL sometimes goes to the US as an internal representative for her own organisation. Usually this is when a VP or very senior exec has effed up and they need someone from way outside any possible sphere of influence but still within the company. Over 20 odd years in global businesses SIL has gained a reasonable understanding of how companies in the US work and says the principles are not much different from here. A VP messing with your wife and messing with you is a real showstopper. The more high profile the company, the faster they will want to resolve any threat of litigation. I get that this takes lots of money but you should get initial consultations to start the ball rolling.

A lot of this advice is here already but I hope this perspective helps.

My observation on your focus on getting "the truth" (as I did initially) before making a decision, is that you can waste years chasing an illusion. It sounds like your wife is your main source of information and she is being less than forthcoming. As you can't trust her words you have to look at her actions and make your decisions based on them; the sunrise in Dallas episode alone is just foul of her. She could have avoided that easily to spare you.

If your wife really is leaving you, she'll have a range of excuses to not tell you truth because how you feel about her is not important to her now. It'll be dressed up as "I didn't want to hurt you" or "I am leaving so what does it matter to you." or similar but you kow its all about her. What she also wants to do is go to her new man shiny and virtuous. A memory of you throwing up, crying or at her revelation that Dallas was an orgy not a ONS or that she didn't really want you to move with her to NC takes the edge off that vision of herself.

FWIW, the truth usually seeps out slowly over time. The trick is to not care because you have moved on. Little things will happen that keep dropping more pieces into the puzzle. On DDay1 my XWW got back from a work trip and wanted out of the marriage. On DDay2 3 weeks later she said sleeping with our mutual boss was a spur of the moment thing. About a month after DDay2, I mentioned "spur of the moment" to an admin colleague who then accidentally left the expenses folder for the business trip. The hotel booking was for 1 double room only and had been made weeks before they went. It hurt but I was divorcing so it didn't make much difference to the outcome. A year later I was in a pub and a lady came up to me and asked if I used to be married to XWW. I said yes and she started to apologise for the wrong that she had done me. The upshot was this lady had got friendly with my XWW at fitness when we first moved to the area and she would invite XWW and her husband to parties and dinners. For about 9 months before Dday my wife and the AP would go along as husband and wife and quite often they would drink and stay over in her guest room. She only realised what they had done when someone pointed me out as XWW's husband a few weeks earlier. She felt terribly guilty for enabling XWW's affair. The deception worked for so long because the AP and I share the same first name so any references to me could be about him. The real kicker for me was that my property backed onto this lady's. If there had not been trees between us, I might have had the surreal experience of seeing the wife I thought was away visiting friends balling our boss in the sun room of the house opposite. (Secretly I am pleased I dodged that one. Prisons are no nicer here than in the US)

I didn't seek more information once we parted but it still found me because we all still moved in the same circles. I guess that as you have kids, you are going to be tied to your wife to some extent and people will try to tell you. You can choose to shut that down or not but it never goes away (thank you Facebook). What actually turned out to be of value to was not the information itself but how I felt about being told. Learning about the hotel booking was raw and it hurt like hell. (I cried). When I got the unnecessary apology a year later, I was shocked, hurt and disappointed for only a few minutes but then bought the lady dinner and we had a laugh about what scumbags they were. Time passing helps, lots of good advice on here helps but the key for me was starting counselling.

I get how toxic this is and how crushed you feel. There is an extra level of crush because you've dealt with the AP directly in what should be a professional matter. Infidelity is humiliating. It's brutal when you have given up your whole life (literally) to give her an opportunity for which the payback is an affair. Add to the mix that the AP some how is now more attractive because of the power he wields (I know my self worth took a beating). For me the worst insult was being offered a job because whereas I thought the company saw something of value in me as an individual in reality I was a willing dupe in a trick designed to further separate me and my wife. A trick that she actually condoned and thought better of him for pulling it. Counselling BTW was of more value in repairing the damage to my self worth rather than overcoming sadness at the loss of the marriage.

Masters, I apologise to you and the forum for War and Peace. I'll stop now. Your circumstances really hit a nerve. I can promise you it will get better. Sending you strength and prayers.

[This message edited by hansvoleman at 3:51 AM, November 11th (Monday)]

Thumos posted 11/11/2019 09:07 AM

My observation on your focus on getting "the truth" (as I did initially) before making a decision, is that you can waste years chasing an illusion. It sounds like your wife is your main source of information and she is being less than forthcoming. As you can't trust her words you have to look at her actions and make your decisions based on them; the sunrise in Dallas episode alone is just foul of her. She could have avoided that easily to spare you.

An excellent series of observations but this one really hits home.

Masters, I did this and my advice is on keeping you from making the same series of mistakes. Move fast and hard. Shock and awe. And if itís an exit affair then be done with her, donít do the pick me dance and focus on protecting yourself from divorce rape and holding the AP accountable with his company for wrongful behavior.

I also like the advice about your WW wanting and trying to to negotiate a soft landing so she can feel justified in her gambit for a new man. donít let her get away with this. Whatever landing she gets should leave her barely ambulatory in the smoldering wreckage of the aircraft.

Mene posted 11/11/2019 18:21 PM

Masters2020,

How is it all going?

Masters2020 posted 11/12/2019 08:58 AM

Thanks for all who have checked in. We decided last night to separate and get divorced. The short of it in my eyes...She fell out of love with me a long time ago, instead of seeking help and trying to improve our relationship, she went outside of our marriage to find what she needed.

I love her and will have to get over that. She hasn't loved me for a long time, so no matter the effort I put in, it was all for naught. As much as I want to make it work, I'm better off without her. I need someone that shares similar characteristics to me, and will love me as much as I love them. I'm a rare guy, I have a ton of love to give.

If someone has any idea about what I should do to get this process going, please let me know. I need all the constructive advice I can get. We talked about staying in the same house (for the kids sake through the holidays) until the new year, then getting separated. I don't know if I can stomach this situation that long. She wants to live together until we sell the house, which could be the middle of next year, then live separately. It all makes my brain hurt, but we have to divide assets, deal with child support, custody, move, health insurance, etc. It's all too much for me to think about right now.

If I was dealing with someone that loved me, made a mistake, and was willing to work at it, it would be different. I'm not. Last night, she was mad I didn't tell her I told his wife when I did. I should have given her the courtesy, well, I replied, you didn't give me any courtesy when you cheated on me. Then continued to lie about it.

My one prayer is that my kids and I find peace through this situation. I also pray that someday, a week or 10 yrs down the road, that she realizes what she did to me and this family. How it could have all been different if she came to me, like a mature adult, many months or years ago, told me her struggles, and we got help. I guess hindsight is 20/20, but I would have never hurt her in this way. My favorite phrase out of all of this summed up, it sucks.

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