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Found out wife (39) is having EA with co-worker

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Marz posted 11/13/2019 17:15 PM

She's told you/shown you who she is.

Wake up and stop reacting.

Start your own actions.

Westway posted 11/13/2019 17:26 PM

I agree with everyone else. You have an unrepentant wife who is not motivated to change. She sees herself as the wronged party and is laying all the faults in the marriage at your feet. That is b.s. because she is 50% responsible for the state of the marriage before she decided to cheat. You cannot reason with someone like this.

Masters2020 posted 11/14/2019 07:37 AM

Thanks for the support and advice. I'm seeing this situation clearer by the day.

We spoke last night and I have a question for everyone who's gone through this, before I speak to my lawyer early next week...

Our plan all along was to go back to our hometown over Christmas to see our families (who all live there). Last year we stayed from the 22nd-30th, which we agreed was too long. However, before everything happened we were planning on maybe the 22nd-28th. Regardless, I said I still want to go, she can stay at her parents, I can stay at my parents with the kids. Her parents have a 2 bedroom studio apt and my parents have a 5 bedroom condo. She said she's uncomfortable going over to my parents house, there's a long bad history there, and now even worse since she's had an affair. However, things have been cordial for 5 years now. I said fine, we can split the day, you take the kids and go to your parents and I'll do the same, we'll split the time up evenly. Her answer, no, you're not taking my kids away from me on Christmas. Well, you cheated and are now trying to say that since I told my family (who else am I supposed to trust), you won't allow me to bring my kids (without their mother), to see my parents, sister, nieces, nephew, etc. I'm not one to threaten, but I'm to the point where I may just file for separation, and then she'll have no choice but to split up the day. Can someone enlighten me? Negotiation is a middle ground, and I feel like a good middle ground is going back to see our families, and splitting the kids time on Christmas, am I wrong here?

She's backed into a corner, knows she's wrong, and is suddenly trying to throw anything she can at the wall. I feel like I have no choice in this matter.

My to do list is to see my D attorney and see an employment attorney. Alienation of Affection in NC won't stick, we didn't have a great relationship before this. I researched it and I would have a flimsy case. I'd rather deal with the company.

Thanks


HellFire posted 11/14/2019 08:01 AM

File for divorce today. Right now. Have your attorney draw up temporarypapers for visitation and holidays. Even if you plan on staying in the same house for now.

She is delusional. Um, divorced parents have to split the holidays. That's just how it is.

I'm not sure, if anyone has mentioned this to you yet. But betrayed husbands are prime targets for false domestic violence charges. When the Wayward wife, realizes that her dirty secrets are going to come to light, or they realize that they can no longer control their betrayed husband, they are notorious for filing false domestic violence charges. You need to get a voice-activated recorder, and keep it on you all the time. Not just when she's in the room with you. ALL the time. You need to protect yourself. Please don't think that she won't do that, because she will. She will need to paint you as the bad guy here.

We had a betrayed husband a few months ago, who was sitting in his living room, watching TV. His wife was upstairs. Suddenly she appears on the staircase, her hair in disarray and makeup streeking down her cheeks, and she opened the front door to the police that she had called. She made up a story that he had been pushing her around, and he was arrested. So when I say you need to keep that voice-activated recorder on you all the time, I'm not kidding. Actually security cameras inside the house would probably be your best bet. You need to protect yourself.

Bigheart2018 posted 11/14/2019 08:25 AM

Dear Master,

Are you listening to what we are recommending? Contact an employment and divorce attorney. I would recommend you contact the CEO and inform him in regard to the affair. Also, if you want to bounce anything off me in regards to EEOC Law via PM, you can. That is my expertise.

In my opinion, file now before she starts making up a false narrative about you and the relationship.

Best
Bigheart

nekonamida posted 11/14/2019 09:30 AM

Unfortunately, you can't negotiate with an emotional terrorist. You offered a reasonable compromise and she said no. There's no more room for negotiation. Seeing a lawyer and filing is your only option.

Masters2020 posted 11/14/2019 10:15 AM

Thanks for the advice. I have an appt with my D attorney next week and have the names of many employment attorneys, I just need to get on the schedule. Adding to the drama, I'm swamped at work and have a bunch of deadlines in the next couple weeks.

I know what I need to do, but it breaks my heart knowing this is the end of 10 years. Not mention the beginning of lawyers, fights, custody, battling over assets, etc.

steadychevy posted 11/14/2019 11:12 AM

It seems to me that you don't realize that time is of the essence. It is. Move everything up if you can.

I'm sure VAR, etc. has been mentioned before. I didn't go back and check. Listen to Hellfire just above.

NotInMyLife posted 11/14/2019 11:23 AM

Hold off talking about the the Christmas trip until after you consult with a lawyer. If she tries to push things, tell her you can't deal with the logistics right now.

Remember too, you don't have to go at all. You can stay where you are and have an intimate Christmas with your kids and include some days of service at a mission or shelter.

I second the recommendation to get a couple of VARs for your own self-protection. She may get desperate and try to claim domestic violence to manipulate the custody arrangements.

[This message edited by NotInMyLife at 11:24 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]

twisted posted 11/14/2019 11:41 AM

I would agree with steadychevy. Do it now, as time is a factor that you may not appreciate at the moment. Being first to file makes a difference, and gives you the advantage of calling the shots.
You need to assert a lot more control and quit assuming she will be reasonable. She has shown she will not.
You need to get out on front and drive this bus.

Ponus18 posted 11/14/2019 12:31 PM

Your WW sounds like my ex-WW. She won't even agree it makes sense to share time with the kids over Christmas? Huh?

It's never a good time to file for D. There's always something coming up that has to be gotten through. This upcoming trip is not going to go well.

File for D now and you can work through your attorney to work out a reasonable schedule for Christmas.

Booyah posted 11/14/2019 13:38 PM

"You're not taking MY kids away from me on Christmas"?

HELLO.....this is what happens when you blow your kids world up.

More than likely you'll alternate holidays moving forward (including Christmas) so every other yr she won't have the kids.

She better damn well get use to it!!

By the way they're YOUR kids as well.

Buster123 posted 11/14/2019 13:43 PM

Masters you need to act FAST, she's basically declared WAR, stop worrying about Christmas plans (you have much bigger issues at hand) and file for D and make an appointment with an employment attorney TODAY, time is of the essence, she's crazy and is most likely planning to go for full custody of your children, get a VAR today in an effort to avoid possible DV charges (we see this frequently here and other forums). Also open a bank account number in your name only and take half of the money on joint accounts/investments.

Prepare for WAR, protect your children, they need at least one stable parent, that's YOU now, also don't lie to them, tell them the truth in a sanitized way, like "we're separating because mommy decided to get a boyfriend on the side and his name is POSOM", expose the A to her family and close friends too (keep her busy explaining her betrayal) and file now and get the ball rolling, it's time she faces some consequences of her huge betrayal, Keep posting frequently, this is a crucial time.

OptionedOut posted 11/14/2019 14:36 PM

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, and now the holidays on top of it.

What do YOU want? Do that. Just know that it's true what is often said about cheaters who aren't remorseful - they'll burn you openly now where before it was behind your back. Do whatever it takes to protect yourself and your kids.

Mene posted 11/14/2019 15:53 PM

You’re getting a lot of advice here from people who have gone through exactly what you’re going through now.

I’d like to emphasise again that you need to move ASAP and report this matter to the CEO in writing. You need to get this on record. Write an email to him and briefly mention what’s happened and how they’ve conducted the affair via work and how he fucked you around for interviews and how he will be receiving an email from your attorney etc. It will only take you 30 min to write and send an email. At least you have that on record. The HR VP could be building a narrative now about you to protect himself and you are sitting idle! You need to do this. NOW.

[This message edited by Mene at 3:54 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

Marz posted 11/14/2019 17:49 PM

My to do list is to see my D attorney and see an employment attorney. Alienation of Affection in NC won't stick, we didn't have a great relationship before this. I researched it and I would have a flimsy case. I'd rather deal with the company.

Doesn't matter. They'd probably settle this out of court very quickly.

If it were me I'd be looking to solidly my finances for myself and kids future. Divorce normally lowers both parties living standards.

You seem to be stuck in the "don't want to make her mad or hurt her feelings" mode. She sure didn't give a fuck about you or your feelings though did she?

Marz posted 11/14/2019 17:51 PM

I’d like to emphasise again that you need to move ASAP and report this matter to the CEO in writing. You need to get this on record. Write an email to him and briefly mention what’s happened and how they’ve conducted the affair via work and how he fucked you around for interviews and how he will be receiving an email from your attorney etc. It will only take you 30 min to write and send an email. At least you have that on record. The HR VP could be building a narrative now about you to protect himself and you are sitting idle! You need to do this. NOW.

It would be smarter to let an attorney handle this. North Carolina just had a huge lawsuit settled for this not long ago.

Marz posted 11/14/2019 17:54 PM

I know what I need to do, but it breaks my heart knowing this is the end of 10 years. Not mention the beginning of lawyers, fights, custody, battling over assets, etc.

You don't get prepared it's gonna break more than just your heart bud.

You end up living with financial issues you'll wish you had.

Thumos posted 11/14/2019 19:47 PM

Next week is too late, make this a priority. Move now. Move fast. An attorney that can’t see you until next week? Get another attorney. The window is closing here and time is of the essence. Strike hard and fast unless you want to continue playing defense and get divorce raped.

Have you VAR’d? We’ve mentioned it over and over.

Thumos posted 11/14/2019 19:49 PM

You are giving your WW and AP way too much time to get their shit together.

Hope you realize that?

Have you fully exposed to her family like we recommended?

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