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Found out wife (39) is having EA with co-worker

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Thumos posted 11/7/2019 14:35 PM

Trust us, we've all been where you are. Some of us acted decisively and quickly, some of us delayed dithered and did nothing, some of us did a mix of the two.

I am in the last category. I feel a good sense of inner integrity that I did a lot of things right. I never did the pick me dance, for example. I VAR'd my WW and got her dead to rights on the essentials, for another example.

But oh how I wish I were in the first category. You have a window right now to be in the first category. ďLet your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.Ē

We're rooting for you - if she makes herself into a good candidate for reconciliation, she will respect you, honor you and even thank you for how strong you are and how decisive you were in these early days. If, on the other hand, she's a disordered Proverbs 30:20 woman you are sparing yourself a great deal of pain and wasted time. And the wife you deserve will be just over the horizon. They're everywhere anyway. While you may have thought your wife was special, she ain't. She just knocked herself off that pedestal and there are literally thousands of other women who would make you happy in life. You won't meet all of them, but you'll meet plenty of them if this particular woman can't own her shit.

Marz posted 11/7/2019 14:37 PM

It's hard getting out of the upfront shock phase which is where you're at. It's imperative though.

What you don't see right now is your wife is a very typical cheater. Nothing special about her at all. The advice your getting comes from people having gone through this.

Most cheaters follow the same script. However, cheating is a very conscious and willing decision they make. It just doesn't happen.

Right now you are at a disadvantage because you just can't believe it. You can't believe she'd actually lie, etc. either.

Clarity will come if you try and take your heart out of it and use your brain.

Kiba posted 11/7/2019 14:43 PM

First! You really need to tell his wife. Since he is a VP, he not going to be willing to have to pay out the rear in alimony to her just so that he can be with your wife. She is a side piece at best for him.

Second! You need to see a lawyer and get papers drawn up. Hopefully you still make less than her so that you stand a chance of the courts forcing HER to pay you alimony. At worse, you won't have any to pay her.

Third! Polygraph her. It will help to have (and show) the divorce papers for her to sign. Ask her to be completely honest. You know enough that you can have the proper questions crafted to blow holes in her story.

OptionedOut posted 11/7/2019 14:45 PM

SO much GREAT advice!

I agree - contact his wife. Don't tell your wife about it. Talk to an atty. I'd talk to a few of them in your area. Something about if they talk to you, they can't take her on as a client? (???) Read and do the 180.

He's a VP. Go to whomever is HIS boss. Show them the proof. Again, do NOT tell your wife.

VAR her. Record your convos with her, just don't let her know. Get her phone and get a good recovery app.

And being female, I can tell you this. Going out with him and sending texts and getting in a car to kiss him is NOT trying to push him off.

So they now have had a hotel room available and they've been kissing and making out. Do you SERIOUSLY think they weren't in a room alone together? And if they were, they had sex.

But let me guess (ask me how I know), she's telling you that they just kissed, even in the car and the rooms and they decided NOT to meet i each others' rooms because THAT was crossing the line OR that they wanted the attention but not the sex.

She's not playing dumb. She's playing YOU as though YOU were dumb. She's gaslighting you. That's insidious.

Blow this shit up a mile high. Let her get angry. It's not up to you to allow her to ABUSE you and expect you to keep her slutty little secret.

Take all your wedding photos. The photos of your kids. Happy family photos. I'm sure you have SOME in print somewhere. Take them and toss them at her. Show her what she's trashing for a guy who is willing to fuck another man's wife. Lie to his OWN wife. Toss a copy of Shirley Glass's book "Not Just Friends" in as well. Then walk out of the room.

Get yourself STD tested. Do NOT sleep with her.

And Tell. Her. Nothing. That goes for this forum.

If she's not running to you to beg another chance and willing to work it out, you have NOTHING to work with. If she says she wants another chance: NC letter. She quits her job. She takes a poly. Gives you a timeline of the affair. She answers all your questions WITHOUT being defensive or blameshifting. She goes to IC.

And here's the thing about sex or not. She already has feelings for this guy. She should be loving you. Not him.

Thumos posted 11/7/2019 14:48 PM

She's telling herself and you this ridiculous narrative about how she just floated into this and it just happened. Friend, that's utter and complete horse shit.

If she had sex, and unfortunately that's very likely with the travel and as long as it's been going down, she didn't accidentally trip and fall on his member. She arranged for that to happen Get it?

Get familiar with what's called the pick me dance and the 180. Both are written about in the healing library here and elsewhere. The 180 is a way of disconnecting from a disordered person. The pick me dance is exactly what it sounds like -- jumping around on a hot plate from one foot to another trying to get your stupid wife to see reason and "pick you." Stop it right now.

Parts of the 180 are easier said than done. After all, you love this woman and she just shattered your reality so the parts of the 180 that suggest being a happy clappy robot are kind of ludicrous.

But the general outlines must be implemented. Basically, the 180 is about adopting a ZFG mindset. She blew up this marriage already, not you. And brother, this marriage is dead. I mean really dead. No, really.

That's something my IC recently helped me come to grips with. Old marriage -- gasping its last and turning blue and cold and ready to rot in the ground.

Indeed, she may have been thinking of this fling with the VP as a kind of exit affair, who knows? It doesn't really sound like it, but she certainly is in a fantasyland where she views him as plan A right now and you as plan B. What we're recommending to you short circuits that fantasy ASAP.

You might have a chance at a new marriage, but it will literally need to be a brand spanking new marriage. Either way, you're moving on. And the 180 helps you with that mindset.

[This message edited by Thumos at 2:50 PM, November 7th (Thursday)]

Mene posted 11/7/2019 14:57 PM

The AP is a nasty bastard and got a lot of pleasure interviewing you for jobs and not appointing you. He gets a sexual high out of that.

This has definitely gone PA. Without a shadow of a doubt. Adults donít just kiss and do nothing when theyíre away on conference.

Thumos posted 11/7/2019 15:05 PM

If you're not at the ZFG (zero f*cks given) mindset yet, you will be soon. You need to be there to do the things we're recommending. It's not a Jedi mind trick that is a cure-all and you'll still be sad, angry and wracked with grief. But the sooner you help yourself start having a ZFG approach with her, the better.

It's been mentioned, but don't sleep with her anymore - not for a long while until she takes initiative to demonstrate real remorse (versus regret and resentment at being caught) and real empathy, is willing to do the things we're recommending you make non-negotiables with her, and makes herself a good reconciliation candidate. That may never happen, so don't let her hypnotize you with a p*ssy coma (sorry for the crude language, but that's really the only thing that works for me in these situations).

I said I did a lot of things right, but one thing I did wrong was to fall into hysterical bonding with my WW almost immediately after D-Day. It's understandable when you love someone, but my advice is to go monk mode on her. It will clarify your thinking, it will help immensely in putting a halt to the pick me dance, it will make the 180 easier.

And it will give you perspective that this woman is not on a pedestal and is not anything special. Really, she's not. She's just among several thousand women you would probably be compatible with; it just happened to be her you married and had children with. Beyond that, what does she really bring to the table? See where I'm going with this? She will need to show you that she's worth it for you to go through a whole lot of pain with her, because she's very much damaged goods and has shown herself to be an unsafe life partner right now.

Masters2020 posted 11/7/2019 15:17 PM

His wife responded and I'm talking to her at 5pm (in less than an hour). Wish me luck.

annb posted 11/7/2019 15:24 PM

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here.

You have gotten some great advice from the members here who have walked in your shoes.

I agree with the others, your wife is lying to the nines. She didn't know this guy was going to be on her work trip?

My husband cheated with a co-worker who lived on the opposite coast. Understand where there's a will, there's a way. This OW even flew to "visit" my husband when he was teaching a course out of state. Funny thing, she was pregnant with her husband's child at the time. All she wanted was a few ego kibbles knowing they would glance at each other across the room as it was a huge group. Got on a plane and traveled to the next state for ego kibbles. My point is, these cheaters will do anything to satisfy their appetites. Your wife is no different.

After I found out about my WH cheating, pretty much all travel came to a screeching halt. He also found another job, I would not even tolerate ANY communication between the two of them, even professional. My husband gave me access to his work emails and voicemails, and 14 years later I still have access.

If this guy and your wife are in close proximity, the A possibly went underground.

Your wife is like every cheater, lies upon lies, and denials upon denials, sometimes even when evidence is staring them in the face. She is protecting herself. Not you or your family, she's probably in self-preservation mode.

Proceed with caution, and please don't be naive. She's enjoying his attention, there's a little word called, NO, easy peasy.

Thumos posted 11/7/2019 15:35 PM

His wife responded and I'm talking to her at 5pm (in less than an hour). Wish me luck.

Please update us when you can. SI will help keep you grounded while you're in the midst of a real shitshow. And you are.

-Don't forget to hydrate today and tomorrow.
-Don't drink alcohol. Don't do it.
-Sleep.
-Eat a couple of good meals every day, even if you're not hungry.
-Go out for a walk at the very least to clear your head. Walks in colder weather are even more invigorating.
-Listen to some stand up comics; it will help.
-Listen to some feel-good music. Whatever that playlist is for you, as long as the songs are NOT ridiculous romance lyrics that will trigger you.

Detach from your wife. She is not a suitable life partner right now. Take care of your kids and keep it businesslike with her. Start arranging for things you want to do, like movies with friends, going to some music festivals, or whatever. And then do it.

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:39 PM, November 7th (Thursday)]

Thumos posted 11/7/2019 15:48 PM

one other thing: the advice about you reporting him to her HR is good advice.

However, others may want to weigh in here on whether OP should wait on that. I'm just thinking if he makes less than her, he may want to wait bc he'd get a better divorce settlement if she's gainfully employed and makes more $$ than him.

Court might even order her to pay him alimony instead of divorce raping him. And wouldn't we all like to see that for once?

Flnightmare posted 11/7/2019 15:48 PM

I am very sorry.

It does not sound like she understands what she did is an affair. Until she does, you are stuck.

My wh still does not get it.

Buffer posted 11/7/2019 15:51 PM

Hi master,
Sorry you are here, it is a shit sandwich and no one wants a bight.
WW and POSOM are banging uglies that is true. This isnít high school. Cheaters lie to minimise the infidelity, they claim it is to save the hurt; bull shit to that.
No person travels interstate for work and just have coffee and a kiss in the car park.

You have done well, seeking legal advice, also talk to other professional lawyers in the area as they will not be able to take WW on as a client due to conflict of interest as they have already advised you.
A thrive in the darkness hence we always advise to shine a light on it, like the cockroaches they are they scurry to the dark.
Definitely get a STD/STI checks as some infections can be passed on with a kiss or finger insertion. The didnít practice safe kissing or safe finger insertion, they didnít do anything safe in the sex department.
Start the 180 now, stop the pick me dance, she has gone, just didnít tell you.
I wouldnít go to her work place that may bring security, police in on it. If the A is exspose to HR, she may be terminated. This will have an affect on any support the courts award.

Ask WW how she believed this would end when she was caught? Was she and POS make blended families and live happily ever after?
In reality ask her is she happy your three children calling another woman Mum for 50% of the time? You will find a true woman who respects the marriage boundaries and you as a man and husband.
I am unsure of the financials but you most likely will have to sell the family home, due to one party having to move out. Again all this is on her not you accept none of the blame for this, she even stated that she had feelings for him 12 months ago, never once did she come to you and talk about her struggles or feelings.

I know you love her but: for you, start exercising regularly this will help to sleep due to stress. Drink shit loads of water, steer clear of drugs and booze. Talk to the family pet and ask for advice they will not be judgmental. Donít have one get a gold fish.

Good luck with POS Spouse she has the right to know as both of you have been put at risk.

When the talks get heated, just take a step back, take a few breaths and then speaking in a soft tone rephrase the wording. Record all conversations, if all correspondence try texting. This will help, remember the tone of the text.
With the 180 only really communicate about the children. All other take it easy. STOP the pick me stuff she is already out the door.
In case you arenít sure cheaters lie. She will lie about everything including your actions during this.

Please donít make any long term relationship decisions for a few months due to the waves of emotions. Leave around the house printed information about local polygraph in the area. If you eventually seek R she has to pass this to your satisfaction, not hers or just trust me. She has fallen off the perch we husband place our wives on. There is no trust she has to pull her head out of her ass and work on it.
But as I said this was her exit A and is gone.
Good luck and one day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 4:05 PM, November 7th (Thursday)]

ShutterHappy posted 11/7/2019 16:18 PM

Masters2020,

A lot of affairs follow a common pattern. The good people here have been through infidelity and have read hundreds of stories.

Yours seemingly follows a common pattern:

-WW gets a bunch of attention, ego kibble from a coworker / boss
- WW gets more and more attached, and to justify this, she makes the marriage more difficult. She becomes more distant, she gets into fights for no reason... this is just to justify what sheís doing.
-Eventually thereís a kiss, and once that barrier is broken, sex comes next pretty quickly.
- on discovery, they always say ę†one kiss†Ľ. When pushed further, itís always sex ę†once or twice†Ľ

The truth is I have never read a EA only story with coworkers, specially if they travel together.

When you will inform the OBS, the OM will dump your WW in about two seconds. Her love story will end and the begging will likely start. The tears will be for her though, not you. I might happen differently for you but thatís the usual pattern.

Keep on posting and the good people will give good suggestions on what to do next.

I wish you the best. You have a few hundreds Betrayed rooting for you right now!

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 4:19 PM, November 7th (Thursday)]

KingofNothing posted 11/7/2019 16:20 PM

Thumos, you're the boss, man. You put all this stuff swirling around in my head in one concrete place like that. Thanks.

The1stWife posted 11/7/2019 16:38 PM

Tell the OMís wife. That will stop all contact and end the affair.

It may not help your marriage but if the OM is running scared and trying to save his marriage, he will stop all contact. And that could be a good thing for your marriage.

Itís your choice what to do after that.

Marz posted 11/7/2019 16:45 PM

You'll find talk in these situations won't get you much. Actions are all that count.

Usually admitting kissing = sex.

Robert22205https posted 11/7/2019 16:52 PM

Sounds like your marriage problems escalated after she met the OM.

The VP could be fired if you report him to HR.

What the VP did sounds illegal. Why? because as a VP, your wife couldn't say NO to him without risking her job (even if she was not a direct report).

There's a federal law prohibiting this behavior (and most states have followed). Companies pay huge amounts in damages for the illegal behavior of their execs.

If your wife files a complaint against the VP and the employer, she has a strong sexual harassment case that could result in the employer paying damages.

Speak with an attorney with experience with sexual harassment. You may have to contact an attorney out of state (to find an expert) who will then partner with a local attorney.

Mene posted 11/7/2019 17:12 PM

The asshole bought you in for an interview on a number of occasions for 3 job opportunities? And didnít give you a job? What a narcissist. There probably wasnít any real job. He was just eying you out. Probably gave him a feeling of superiority. What a bastard. Let HR know NOW. Blow his world right up for trying to destroy yours. As a VP, he will be dismissed immediately given he is the superior. Look at what happened to the President of McDonalds the last week.

Sharkman posted 11/7/2019 17:26 PM

Great job reaching out to the OBS!!!! Youíre hammering it home!

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