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Found out wife (39) is having EA with co-worker

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Thumos posted 12/3/2019 16:01 PM

Thatís how the conversation should go. If thatís not the case, then that is your real issue.

Agreed. Nailed it. Really think about this, Masters. This one sentence gets at the heart of it. No trust. No remorse. She's still protecting the affair.

BSPheonix posted 12/3/2019 16:02 PM

Hello friend through similar circumstance. I'm sorry you're here. I posted the below in another thread; someone suggested I re-post here:

I initially went easy and all empathetic with my wife. She attempted to rugsweep everything and, I experienced PTSD. I was even admitted to hospital and kept under observation in a cardiac unit as my heart rhythm and rate were crazy (heart attack territory). After a few months I found this place and, recently did a hard 180. It's been a tough week but, all change. Just letting you know what seems to be working for me. You can find my own story/thread on the front page of 'Just found out'. I will be updating later. I wish you well.

You can find more info in my own experience, here:https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=642505&HL=72159

I am in a much better place since:
*Recovering messages from both my wife's phones (and scrutinising the detail)
*Constructing a timeline of events
*Reconciling the events with bank statements
*Recording conversations with Voice Activated Recorders (and discovering my mother-in-law's poison, highly-influential, no-friend-of-our-marriage tongue)
*Contacting the AP's wife and having her insight and support
*Having my wife agree to the following:
- Write a timeline in her own hand (and reconcile it with my own)
- Take a polygraph
- Another affair and she's divorced
- Lies about me and I find out: divorce
- I uncover any significant details omitted: divorce
- If she meets or has contact with the AP without telling me: divorce
- Individual counselling

Early days but, over the past 3 days I have been living with a completely different person. How I wish I had done all of this sooner. It seemed counter-intuitive to me,as I'm conflict averse but, the results have been swift and positive. Sending you positive will and, hoping things (through your own actions) turn in your favour. Oh and: eat well, exercise (if you can), and avoid alcohol if you're likely to over-indulge (you need your wits about you, friend). Basically, look after yourself.

EllieKMAS posted 12/3/2019 16:44 PM

Every situation is different.
Respectfully they aren't really. Look how many new JFO threads are started each day. There may be nuances of difference, but they are NOT unique.

I know my wife and her tendencies, thoughts, etc. At least I thought I did until she had this affair.
You know who else thought they knew their spouse? ALL OF US. And we didn't know our WS's any better than you know your WW. Not your fault man. And it says a hell of a lot more about her fuckupedness than it does about you.

She's not going to put a DV complaint on me.
Would you rather find out the hard way that your WW would report you for DV? It happens. Not all the time, but enough that there are a lot of people telling you to VAR for your own protection. Because spending $40 or so on a VAR could literally save you tens of thousands in court fees if she loses her shit and tries to nail you for DV. Not to mention - if she does, how would you feel about not seeing your kids again or having to subject them to supervised visitation?

Honestly, what am I going to learn? I'm not going to make her take a polygraph, I just have no interest.
The truth. And it is glaringly obvious that you are in the BS fog and have really not much interest in hearing truth. Man, I know - I was there. WE WERE ALL WHERE YOU ARE. But knowing the actual factual truth, no matter how much it sucks, is far better than ostriching and pretending like 'everything is fine now'. All you are currently doing is polishing brass on the Titanic.


From my knowledge, her affair is completely over, I'm 99.9% sure of it. She's turned a corner and, I think, has realized what a huge mistake this was. I think it will continue to hit her.
They are still working together so if they aren't still actively in A, it is a matter of time before they are again. You need to wake up to that. And no sir - if she is refusing you unfettered access to her phone, then she hasn't told you anything but the bare minimum of 'truth'. Nothing has hit her cus she has you, her loving BH to watch her kids and be the grown up so she can live in lala unicorn fairy land with her AP. And have post-coital coffee in hotels on the company's tab.

What I'm going to do is try to get the texts off her phone. I feel like that will tell me what else I need to know. I want to know if anything else went on. She denies it and swears to it. I asked what I would find and she claims just flirty stuff. I'm going to try to get it off her phone this week. I'm just trying to prepare myself if I'm able to get her messages back. I know I'm going to see stuff that is going to upset me. But, if I see that they exchanged nude pics (which she says didn't happen), had any level of sexual relations beyond kissing (which she says didn't happen), or anything else that she promised didn't happen, then I'm prepared to see a lawyer, file for separation, and walk away. If I see flirty stuff, which I know is the case, then I have to make a choice.
This is rather contradicted by this:
her affair is completely over, I'm 99.9% sure of it.

Truth is, I love her and our family.
Dear, we all know this. And of course you do! No one is saying you shouldn't feel this.

R or D is not the important part here. Getting you to wake up and getting you out of this cloud of crap you are currently existing in is the important part.

You don't want to see this but:
-Chances are HIGH that they slept together on their business trip. I am broke af right now and I would wager you $1,000.00 that they were at it like nympho bunnies.
-Chances are HIGH that they have taken the A underground.
-Chances are HIGH that you have gotten a teeeeeeeeny tiny piece of the 'truth' and that if you continue digging (which you absolutely should) you are gonna get a whole lot more of it. And mark me, it is gonna be ugly.
-They are mollifying you at the moment so the boat stops rocking and so you be a good boy and kindly don't report this eh?
-Nicing someone back NEVER EVER EVER works. The pick me dance NEVER works. Ask allllllllll of us BS's here how every one of us knows that to be an undisputed fact.

We are all urging you to report this jackass to the company not for 'revenge'.
-He is in a position of incredible authority and (haha) 'trust'.
-Him interviewing you is BEYOND FUCKED UP.
-The CEO/COO/Board of Directors/whatever has a right to know what the HEAD of HR is doing to employees at their company. A moral right as well as a right to get rid of a huge liability. And if you can financially benefit from that? Even better.

And I said several pages ago - this would have an undeniable psychologically beneficial effect on you IMHO.

We are all still here - still posting - still saying the same things over and over because we can see further out than you can right now. We have all been here, done this shit. And Your cheating wife is not unique or special. #realtalk CHEATERS ARE SO SIMILAR AS TO BE LAUGHABLE. Go look st the SSCS thread in General.

Masters, I know you are hurting. I know how it feels to have the rug jerked from under your feet like this. I know how the thought of saying the 'wrong' thing or making her mad right now feels like the last thing you should do. I did that shit for 9 months. NOW is the time for you to stand up and say all the things that you are not wanting to say. You do not have to tolerate this shit.

Thumos posted 12/3/2019 16:49 PM

Ellie is a woman. She is giving you straight talk to wake you up. So it's not just men on here saying this stuff, Masters.

Please listen.

Booyah posted 12/3/2019 17:03 PM

Go back and read your first post.

You stated your marriage was already in a bad place and your wife said, "she's ALWAYS been attracted to him".

They kissed at a nightclub in Vegas, and she told you "she felt terrible afterwards" and yet not even a week later they "started texting again and meeting at work to kiss".

Grown adults making plans to meet to kiss??

You truly believe this garbage??
I mean COME ON!!

She then lies to you about him not being at the trip to Texas. You flat out asked her to "not have any further emotional or physical affair until we're separated. Anything else might DESTROY ME COMPLETELY".

You then find out HE IS THERE IN DALLAS.
So she lied.

She than tells you "she was in a terrible spot in our marriage and isn't sure she wants to try to fix it. She's not sure she can get back to being happy with me and us. Keep in mind we've struggled for a long time. We almost got separated in July".

"Turns out they met in Dallas for coffee and talked".

"He wants to be with her".
"He's in love with her".
You then find out he "loved the sunrise from her room".

You've stated "if" they had sex you're done.
You want proof despite already having enough evidence.

As others have pointed out (most recently Stevesn) if she won't "willingly" hand over her phone that tells you EVERYTHING you need to know.

I know this sucks but why would you believe anything your wife says to you given the countless times she's lied to you. Her lips move you know she's lying!

You say you want proof but your actions say otherwise.

You know why you don't want to force the issue? Your wife ALREADY had both feet out of the marriage with a man she's "always been attracted to" and you know she's been physical with him (sex NOT kissing) and if she's forced to take a polygraph to prove her innocence and to attempt to rebuild trust with you she knows she will fail because she's guilty as charged.

That's why she won't hand over her phone and more importantly why you won't flat out ask her for it.

That's why you won't demand her taking a polygraph because she'll just tell you "no" and there won't be any consequences of her declining to do so.

I know you want desperately to save your marriage and your family but my friend all of this is hanging by a thread.

If (and I mean a BIG IF) she truly thinks this was all a "mistake" and she really wanted to put the work in to rebuild trust and to potentially try to save your relationship she would be doing EVERYTHING possible to do so.

This piece of shit OM totally fucked over you and your family and as you stated "he's suffered no consequences" and he "needs a wake up call".

Your marriage was already on life support and her recent actions have killed it. It's DEAD!!

I know it hurts reading this.

That said there's still the opportunity to rebuild a new relationship/marriage but in order for that to happen she needs to put forth some effort to show you how badly she wants it.

She has done JACK SHIT so far which is very telling but what's even more telling is you not DEMANDING HER TO DO WHAT YOU NEED TO SEE THAT SHE'S BEING HONEST AND ULTIMATELY WHAT YOU'RE FORGIVING and she does this by handing over her phone and taking a polygraph.

2 X 4
Everyone is telling you to "wake up" because whether or not you want to believe this given what you're doing and what your wife isn't doing this is NOT going to play out the way you want to.

You say you want to save your marriage.
You say you want to do it for your kids.

Masters please for the love of God your fear is about to happen unless you start taking action.

Draw a damn line in the sand and say to your wife:

"I want this to work but if the roles were reversed would you have any trust in me"?

"You want me to believe you and to have a relationship that works we NEED to have trust".

"However I'm not the one who's lied countless times. I'm not the one who's claiming to just kiss another man".

"If you want us to have any chance at all to try and save this marriage you'll hand over your phone to me right now with NO HESITATION and you'll also take a polygraph".

"If you can't do this we're done because you may not value and respect me but I sure in the hell do".

"So please hand over your phone".

If she does it's a start.

If she doesn't she's gone Masters and there's nothing to save here. From your perspective there's something to save but her unwillingness to do this basically is telling you to FUCK OFF and she'll do whatever she wants and on her terms and if you don't like it deal with it.

Does this sound like a step to rebuild a new relationship/marriage?

Sound like something you're willing to accept?

You have an opportunity here.

You have to draw a hard line in the sand and be willing to have strong consequences if she steps over it.

Edit (sp)

[This message edited by Booyah at 5:14 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]

Mene posted 12/3/2019 17:25 PM

The mere fact you havenít reported him to the CEO and Board weakens your position.

Observing this, I feel like a Patriots fan at the Super Bowl where the Patriots are a point down and 5 seconds to go with Brady ball in hand 20 yards out seeing a player free and he wonít throw the ball to that free player to win the Super Bowl.

HE STILL WORKS WITH YOUR WIFE! HELLOOOOOO! Do not allow this asshole get away with it! He is the VP of HR. Blow his world up like he did yours and your familyís. Your wife will respect you for standing up for yourself.

[This message edited by Mene at 5:27 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]

ShutterHappy posted 12/3/2019 17:27 PM

Excellent post by Booyah

You want the phone? Ask for it
You want the truth? Ask a poly.

I suspect you know what everyone is saying is true but if you make a stand, you will lose your wife. So you choose to live in infidelity.

Unsure2019 posted 12/3/2019 17:28 PM

Masters,

Read and re-read Booyahís new post. Heís absolutely spot on as are the numerous other posters. If Booyah was talking about a friend of yours what advice would you have for your friend. Iím sorry, but you are in for more ďHotel SunrisesĒ if you donít man up and take charge of this.

Bigger posted 12/3/2019 19:10 PM

Every situation is differentÖ

There is a saying:
When you hear hoofbeats look for horses not zebras.

Maybe your wife is a zebra. No denying that it could be that way. But there are general behaviors, expectations and actions that repeated, case-by-case experience tells us are more likely to happen. Just like if we are in Kentucky and hear hoofbeats somewhere around the corner we are expecting horses.
But they could be zebrasÖ

Take that line of thought to some other scenarios that we might be more used to experiencing or might even have experienced:
Maybe that growing black mole on your chest is benign. But are you going to ignore it or have that confirmed?
Maybe the loud wailing of the smoke-detector could be next-door. But are you going to try to keep sleeping?

Please friend Ė if you want to save your marriage then read the suggestions and give us an outline on what actions you are prepared to take.

DeWittle posted 12/3/2019 19:53 PM

No disrespect but in your case I donít think of zebras, rather ostriches.

I want to know if anything else went on.
What more do you need? You know they were in Vagas together, you know there was a sunrise in Dallas, whatíd wake early for a meet-up and another kissing session for that? Címon Man!

There is absolutely nothing special about your case, nothing. Sorry, and there is nothing special about you refusing to see the proof that you have smacking you in the face. This happens often, guys come here and the evidence is sitting right in front of them, posters repeated try to point it out but the OP refuses to accept it for what it is. Just sad and very typical.

I want to know if they've had sex, probably because then I'm 100% out for sure. I didn't think they had sex, then she went to Dallas and lied to me, and now I'm honestly not sure. You're gonna say I'm blind to it, which I understand. Maybe I just don't want to face the truth. He sent her a text about the sunrise out her window in Dallas, which made me think he stayed with her that night. She claims no, but she might be lying. She claims they just met for coffee.

The Vagas trip together didnít convince you, waking up, if they even slept, together in Dallas doesnít sway you. I doubt you find anything on her phone that wiill convince you, either. So why bother?

RocketRaccoon posted 12/3/2019 22:37 PM

Masters,

Every situation is different.

We do understand that. We don't want to believe that it could be like everyone else, so cheap, so tawdry, so senseless.

Yes, you are unique. There is only one of you in the world. That is 100% true. Same goes with your WW and your kids.

What is not true is that her behaviour is unique. As with clothes, we all wear some form of clothing, be it a skirt, blouse, pants, shirt, et al. They are all different coloured and different sizes/cuts. Thing is, they are still fundamentally shirts, blouse, pants, shirts.

At the base level, cheaters will act in a certain predictable way. They are unique only in their outer layers, but fundamentally the same at the core.

Same goes for being a BS.

Some face the issue head on and with focus, some rugsweep, some don't know what to do. Once the initial step is taken, it is quite predictable how it plays out.

In your case, you are fitting the advice you get into a narrative you want to hear. Fair enough, as you are still confused. It is tough to believe that the woman you married could do this. It does not make sense, and you want her to help you make sense of it, but she is the source of the confusion. Screwed up process, huh?

Well, what we try and do here is not get you out of this circular logic pattern, but only if you want to get out of it.

At the moment, you do not want to believe that you are rugsweeping, because you are interrogating her a zillion times and whatnot. See! I am not keeping quiet and not ask questions! True, but what are the questions you are asking, and what answers are you getting? What are you getting from the answers? You can do the broken record thing and ask the same questions all the time, and your WW can answer like a broken record. Problem is, it gets you nowhere, and you think you have accomplished something (asking questions), but getting nothing.

So fa, from what I have read, you are putting all your eggs in one basket - recovery of deleted texts. You are smoking the Hopium that you will get all your questions answered by retrieving those texts. Forget about taking any other paths. You salvation is the retrieval of those texts.

See where this is not helping you? You need this to be true, that there is nothing in those texts, and at the back of your mind, you know that retrieval of those texts is 99.99% not doable, but you want to keep at it, as it helps you prolong the denial.

When you are ready, re-read the advice already given, and this time with an open mind. See what you can learn from it.

Whatever path you decide to take, I wish you all the best.

BSPheonix posted 12/4/2019 02:19 AM

Every time your wife uses her phone, the likelihood of deleted messages being retrievable decreases. If the message content still exists it has been marked as available to be overwritten by other data, meaning it's only a matter of time before it is.

DIFM posted 12/4/2019 08:40 AM

M2020, what is it you fear from insisting on her phone and not accepting no as an answer. What would be her reason that you would find acceptable, given the serious breach?

Do you fear her anger?

Thumos posted 12/4/2019 08:57 AM

M2020, what is it you fear from insisting on her phone and not accepting no as an answer. What would be her reason that you would find acceptable, given the serious breach?
Do you fear her anger?

Masters I did the same as you. I was afraid to just insist on the phone and make her hand it to me. Ultimatum. I didnít want to go there. I wish I had. Hell, my wife wishes I had or she says she does now. Itís convenient for her to say that now that the texts are dead and buried.

But ultimately it doesnít matter - the very act of refusing you unfettered access to the phone is all the confirmation you need. Occamís razor. The simplest explanation usually fits.

What other reason would your wife have for keeping the phone from you other than that it contains dealbreaker material?

The other reasons are usually some form of ďyou donít need to see the texts, it will just hurt you.Ē In other words, the typical rationalization bullshit cheaters say to themselves and you. Itís all white noise.

She wonít let you see the phone because it contains damning material that reveals the depth and profundity of a passionate sexual affair.

She valued you so little that your wife accepted another manís seed ó and now she continues to value you so little that she wonít even be honest with you about it.

Dismayed2012 posted 12/4/2019 09:37 AM

I know you don't think so, but you are rug sweeping your wife's affair Masters. All indications are that she and he were having sex. She lied to you again about the Dallas meetup. That meetup was likely not at a coffee shop and was scheduled so they could hold each other one last time and then prepare their stories for their betrayed spouses. That wasn't a haphazard meeting. You desperately want to believe your wife and you don't want to find the truth. I get it. We all get it. If that works for you then so be it. Just realize that later in life, chances are that you're going to look back on this and possibly regret not having looked further into what actually happened. Again, if that works for you then so be it. I wish the best for you. I do hope that you'll start valuing yourself more in the future. You are worth more than you think you are and you have options outside of living with a liar. Take care of yourself Masters.

TimSC posted 12/4/2019 14:34 PM

Masters,

You have a condition known as "Betrayal Blindness".

You fear finding the truth and ignore the obvious signs because if you do find proof of sex, then you will have take action against her. You fear that.

You are sticking your head in the sand and muttering "that doesn't mean her affair was physical" - YES! it does. Kissing is physical and what 2 adults do you know who can kiss without roving hands. NONE!

Him admiring the sunrise in her hotel room means they spent the night together.

Wake up.

Thumos posted 12/5/2019 08:37 AM

Masters, please read this thread:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=642505

Over a very short period of time, the BH has done everything weíve recommended without skipping a beat. Heís still in a lot of shock and pain, but he already feels much better and his head is getting clear.

He can see thru her lies and gambits and games. His wayward wife is in panic mode, trying to control the damage and still trying desperately to keep the truth from him ó but truth will out and itís all happening fast.

A month from now, Iíll warrant he wonít be twisting around in the wind still trying to figure out what to do. Heíll have the information he needs and heíll be deciding on whether to R or D.

Donít you want the same clarity for yourself?

Please read it.

EDIT: He also has had to deal with his MIL gaslighting him, even though she knows the full extent of what went on. Heís fought through all of that.

[This message edited by Thumos at 9:41 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]

Masters2020 posted 12/5/2019 14:21 PM

I'm hesitant to post here because I get blasted with things I'm screwing up, not doing, etc. I understand it's from a place of experience, and I do appreciate the posts that are helpful. I honestly have no where else to turn.

I waited until she went to sleep last night, took her phone and tried to get info off it. She must have wiped it because I got no additional text messages off it. As I was finishing up, I was looking at emails and found an email from Monday at 142am that said IMY (I miss you) to her AP. She was on a work trip (him there), they took separate Uber's to the hotel but briefly talked at the airport. Saying how weird it is that they aren't friends and would usually be laughing together.

She woke up and walked down at this time, maybe 145am. She said she misses his friendship, as they were best friends at work. I blew up. I said I was done with this marriage, I can't trust her, etc. I then calmed down and we talked again, until 3am. She said she misses their friendship and that's all the text was about. I said you can't have the friendship anymore, you ruined that. She admitted it was wrong, never should have happened, and said she wants to be with me. I told her if there is any chance of this relationship, she will email him and end everything, period. Something I asked her to do 1.5 months ago and clearly they were still talking. I told her to copy me.

She sent the email and he responded that he agrees, he sorry for the pain he's caused me, he's in love with his wife and they made a huge mistake. He mentioned that all communications between them will go through his wife, to make sure there is nothing non work related.

I told me wife, you broke my heart, stomped on it, and then kicked it. Things were getting better between the two of us, then you destroy everything left.

I don't know where to go from here. I love and want her, but this is a different person. I had so much hope 24 hours ago, now I learn that she misses his friendship and probably the affair, as I told her they are one thing now.

After reading his email, I know he and his wife are R. He finally saw the light I guess, probably the only reason is bc I told his wife. I feel like I'm the one that exposed this, jumped on the grenade, and now I'm the last person standing who's the most hurt. It sucks.

If anyone has any CONSTRUCTIVE advice for the situation I'm currently in, please share. I'm going to get IC, and have urged her to do the same. I'm going to get her to create a written timeline of the affair and share other information for me to move on. I'm also going to tell her I need She's gone this Saturday for her Grandma's funeral, so I'm waiting until she's healed from that to present it.

ISurvived7734 posted 12/5/2019 15:20 PM

It's very difficult for those of us who have been in your shoes to accept that a man still in emotional shock from what his WW has done is simply not ready to hear much of what we say. Forgive us because we do mean well.

Currently, your reaction is completely typical and totally understandable. For her to send an "I miss you" note to him at this time is a very bad signal regarding what's going on with her. It's like "trickle truth" in that it's like tearing off a scab and your wound is once again open and bleeding. Every time she has contact with him or you find a new truth she's been hiding your wound is ripped open again and, just so you know, this can go on for years. You can't truly heal without the whole truth and her absolute no-contact with her affair partner. That means she has to quit her job. Lawyer doesn't think it's a good idea? Than divorce her today. If you are committed to reconciliation you cannot simultaneously prepare fo divorce. All in or all out. Anyway, it's not like you can't divorce down the road if things don't work out or when you find out she did have sex with him. It might cost you more money but isn't your piece of mind worth the risk of losing some money?

Above all, you need to take responsibility and control of your life. Don't be dependent on her actions/decisions to determine how you feel.

Thumos posted 12/5/2019 15:30 PM

I get blasted with things I'm screwing up, not doing, etc. I understand it's from a place of experience, and I do appreciate the posts that are helpful. I honestly have no where else to turn.

I know how hard it is, Masters. I hope I havenít done that too much. I know Iíve cajoled you, but hope itís been respectful. Just try to understand that some of the harsher 2x4ís youíve gotten here are actually coming from a place of agape love. People whoíve been through this donít enjoy reading about new men and women in shock and pain and grief. It hurts something awful. And we want to help you get clear of it in this initial stage as much as we can.

So my perspective:

1. You have to get a little bit more hardened up. Youíre going to have to do some research and do some things that take time and energy. I was a basket case when I set VARs up, but I did it. Iím not tech savvy. I figured it out. They work amazingly well. Iíve also used phone recovery software. You can figure this out. You have it in you.

2. Stop futzing around with sneaking her phone. Tell her to turn her phone over for forensic recovery and hire a local PI to do it. Like a polygraph, this will surface a lot of information for you. If she starts panicking or refuses, you probably donít even need to do it. (EDIT: Because that will be firm confirmation sheís a complete liar). But you should do it. At the very least run Fonelab on it.

3. She broke no contact with him at nearly 2 am in the morning! Iíll guarantee you this isnít the first time. Are you starting to see how this works? The good news about this email is that it looks like heís dropped her, for now, but that may not last. The bad news is that your WW is exhibiting continuing wayward thinking and all the usual signs of strong limerence. She is pining for him. Now think about that for one damn second. This was never a ďfriendshipĒ ó you even going along with that was enabling her lies. Iím glad you finally demanded the NC email, but the NC email is all but meaningless as long as they still work together. Iím sorry if Iím getting the timing wrong, but am I to understand she sent the NC email in the wee hours of the morning and he responded right away? Is that suspicious to you at all? This has the strong likelihood of reigniting and going underground and youíre letting that happen. You have not demanded she come up with a firm timeline for finding suitable new employment that replaces her salary level. If she cares about you and wants to reconcile, she will remove one of the strongest triggers for your trauma and she will seek new employment.

3a. Have you VARíd her? If not, youíre flying completely blind. She may very well have a burner phone or other means of communicating with him. Not to mention the simple fact that they work together in the same building 8-10 hours a day.

3b. Your ďblowing up,Ē threatening to end the marriage and then sitting there while she bullshitted you for another hour in the middle of the night was a version of the pick me dance. It was desperation. It was weakness. Iím sorry to state it bluntly like that, but you gotta start looking at this stuff in a new way. This was not a show of strength. She just thinks she can keep talking you off the divorce ledge and stringing you along.

4. He is is still the predatory VP of HR and youíve done nothing to protect future targets from his behavior. Your wife wasnít the first and she wonít be the last. Thatís on your shoulders now, and ethically you need to think about that. Iím sorry youíre burdened with that responsibility but you are. Donít assume anything about him Ríing with his wife unless youíve actually talked to the OBS and confirmed it. Donít assume heís ďseen the lightĒ on anything at all. My bet is he hasnít. My bet is heís sitting over in his corner office smug about having pulled one over on you, and heís laughing in his sleeve thinking you actually believe all they did was kiss You have the power to put a stop to that immediately if you only will take a few simple steps.

5. Iím glad youíre finally asking for the timeline. That desperately needs to be paired with the real tangible scheduling of a polygraph. This isnít hard. There are several reputable polygraph examiners in your area of North Carolina, Iíll warrant. And they all offer infidelity services for $500 or less. Make sure she gives you a detailed narrative, not a bunch of bullet points with dates. Have her answer every question you have. Start writing all of your questions down.

6. And she doesnít need to heal from her Grandmaís funeral. Iím sorry. She doesnít. Thatís a cop out. First it was Thanksgiving. Now this. Youíve got to get more steely-eyed here. She had months to screw around with a co-worker behind your back and sleep with him in Dallas, and likely in Vegas. Youíve been circling around with her for nearly two months asking for the truth. She can write it down RIGHT NOW. And then you can schedule a polygraph. Youíll get more information; I guarantee it.

Keep checking in, Masters. Others will be along to give you additional advice. Iím glad you keep checking in here and that youíre not running for the hills. We can help you. Weíve been through this. Yes, weíre all anonymous random people on the internet. But this is real stuff weíre talking about here. Weíre not a bunch of people with no experience. And your experience is all too common and not unique.

P.S. Has she read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair? Have you? It takes less than 2 hours to read it and youíre telling me she doesnít have the time? Has she taken a full STD panel? Have you? Have you cancelled MC and asked her to enroll in IC with a betrayal trauma specialist? Have you talked to an employment law attorney about the HR VP issue, gotten a separation agreement drafted with a divorce attorney, gotten a post-nuptial agreement drafted for your protection going forward? This only gets REAL for your wife if you hand her a separation agreement if you feel you need to do that.

Lastly, one more time: VAR. They are cheap. You can buy what you need from Best Buy and Wal-Mart in about an hour. Black tape, cheap headphones, industrial strength Velcro. Clip the headphones and then put the jack into the audio outlet of the VAR. Attach the industrial strength Velcro strip. Put black tape on the display so it doesnt inadvertently light up.

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:32 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

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