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Found out wife (39) is having EA with co-worker

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GotTheShaft posted 12/9/2019 16:01 PM

Masters,

I've read most of your thread including all of your responses. There's no other way to put it other than infidelity sucks. I'm nearly 4 years out, and it still sucks.

Unlike you, my exWW never gave me the opportunity to R. She went off and married the other man. If she had wanted to R, I likely would have taken her up on it. And, it would have been a mistake - there's no doubt in my mind now that she would have cheated again. So, I'm glad I never had the choice.

My advice to you is to move forward even though you are scared. Since your state requires a year of separation before you can divorce, I would start that process right away. You can always stop the divorce train if you have a change of heart, but if you R now and decide later to start the separation process, you will have a year of purgatory waiting for the separation time to expire.

A year is a long time, and your feelings about your wife will probably change after you've had time to step back and reflect on what she has done, and why R is probably not the best option.

My divorce was quick - less than 6 months from DDay until divorce was finalized. Yet, those last few months were aggravating, as my mindset switched from missing who I thought my wife was to despising her for what she had deliberately done to me and my DDs. I couldn't wait for that divorce to be finalized so I could move on with my life.

There are plenty of women out there who would never cheat on you. Good women, pretty women, smart women, loving women. And there's no rush to find them. There are plenty, and there will always be plenty available when you are ready to date.

Use this time to do things for yourself. When I was married, I never seemed to have a moment to myself. Now, I do things for me. I have done so many fun things with my daughters over the past 4 years. I dated a lot, and I finally met a wonderful woman whom I've been dating for the past year and a half.

Things will eventually work out for you. The beginning is awful, but once you have direction and momentum, things will get better. Hang in there. You'll get through this, and you'll make it through better than you were before. But you have to go through the rough part in order to get to the good part.

ramius posted 12/9/2019 16:08 PM

As much as it sucks right now, better sooner than later.

Imagine being in this marriage for another 2-5 years, looking at the source of your pain over the breakfast table, only to realize that it is a dealbreaker.

It will take a little time to sort yourself out. But know that there is a world of women out there that are both loving, and monogamous. Looking for a good man.

Thumos posted 12/9/2019 16:09 PM

You should also -- if you haven't -- get a full STD panel for yourself. You're a busy working dad and need the peace of mind knowing for certain you haven't been exposed to disease because of her adultery.

And you should expose the affair to her entire family and your family. No soft landings for her. Tell them about her duplicity, that she's been conducting an affair with the VP of HR, and her actions after it came out.

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:10 PM, December 9th (Monday)]

Thumos posted 12/9/2019 16:10 PM

Imagine being in this marriage for another 2-5 years, looking at the source of your pain over the breakfast table, only to realize that it is a dealbreaker.

This is the limbo I'm in, Masters. Consider yourself lucky it's more clear-cut.

Mene posted 12/9/2019 16:25 PM

I was hoping for you Masters. Hoping your wife would wake up from this fog.

At least you won’t be in limbo. She doesn’t want to be with you. You have a clear pathway. Pursue it.

Booyah posted 12/9/2019 16:45 PM

Sorry it didn't play out the way you wanted Masters. Who knows maybe in time things might change, but staying in infidelity is the worst case scenario.

You need to get on seeing Attorney's ASAP because if she goes out and meets with any of them first they will not be able to represent you. Vice versa uf you meet with them first.

Yes please hire an employment attorney as well and take that POS bastard down.

I know this isn't about revenge or $ but trust me you're sitting on a multi-million settlement.

Press forward and take care of yourself and continue to keep us updated.

Dismayed2012 posted 12/9/2019 17:14 PM

I'm sorry to hear about the developments in your situation Masters. I hope you realize that her contact with him and strong connection to him means that she was physically involved with him and they coordinated their stories. She's now heartbroken that he wants to be with his wife. She also knows that your questions and researching are going to lead to you finding out that they were physically involved. To avoid that and to protect her affair partner she's throwing in the towel on your marriage. This is the reality that many of us have had to live with. The blessing is that your healing will be faster after you rid yourself of her presence. Protect yourself and ensure that your connection to her is completely severed so she can't access any of your future earnings and wealth. Take care of yourself and never allow anyone to negatively affect your happiness. You have a great life ahead of you free from fault. Make the most of your life now and be more successful than you've ever been. I wish the best for you.

Unsure2019 posted 12/9/2019 17:20 PM


HI Maters,
I’m glad you came back to post. I’m truly sorry knowing how desperately you wanted to save the M and stay with WW.

As others have already said, let OBS know immediately that you’re Ding and that you suspect the affair is still going on and has just gone underground. Also, even if you don’t want to sue WW’s company, at least out the POS VP to the CEO. In most cases they will fire the most senior person and keep the subordinate. He needs to pay a price. This could also blow up the affair for good and there’s a chance she might ask to come back. I know most won’t agree with me, but if that happens and you want her back, you’ll finally be in a position of to have it be on your terms.

Hoping for the best for you.

HalfTime2017 posted 12/9/2019 17:37 PM

Masters -

For your upcoming legal matters, focus on these things:

- Alienation of Affection ( go after the company and HR) Go after him/his wife (the affair partner) as well.

- You attorney should tell you when to file and when to move out, if at all. You are in a 10 yr marriage, some states that means long term. It should provide for long term alimony since it sounds like your wife is the breadwinner.

- Save all correspondence you received from the man, his wife and share that with your attorney. Again, anything that your wife has admitted to should also be saved in a file away from your home, so that your wife doesn't have access to it. You have a very strong case for alienation against the AP, and the company. Your WW won't get fired b/c of the the fear of a retaliation suit to follow from her if her company lets her go.

I know what you've been going thru is hard. You're typical, just like myself and many of the BSs that have gone thru here for many yrs. Now that your WW has made up her mind and discarded you, after her affair and you have found out, you need to do what is in your best financial interest along with that of your children.

You could be setting yourself up nicely with those suits. YOu'll be in a better position in your divorce as well if your WW in anyway is trying to screw you.

BSPheonix posted 12/10/2019 05:28 AM

Good luck Masters. I wish you and your children well. Consider counselling. Look after yourself both physically and mentally.

[This message edited by BSPheonix at 5:29 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

Thumos posted 12/10/2019 10:18 AM

Godspeed Masters.

I'm stepping away for a bit as I approach my WW's disclosure session, polygraph after that, holiday season, decisions.

I'm hoping for the best for you, and hope you'll get a VAR for yourself, an STD test for peace of mind, and move forward on every legal front that you can.

Wishing you and your children the best during a very difficult time.

Masters2020 posted 12/11/2019 09:13 AM

I appreciate the support. The last 8 weeks have been the hardest of my life. You know what drives me crazy though, is people that say this isn't the hardest thing you'll go through. Death, job loss, etc. Well, death is a part of life and guaranteed. I could have, and never wanted to, deal with this in my entire life. People lose jobs all the time. I left mine and it took forever to find another one in another city, but I would never say that was even in the same zip code as this situation. End rant.

What's strange, is that after her saying she is done and we talked all about the divorce, she is starting to backtrack. I told her in the wake of everything, I'm going to choose to be happy this week and have been happier. I'm gone next week for a conference, so she'll be alone with the kids, then I come back and we all go back to our hometown for Christmas week. I told I can't deal with anything before the new year.

She's planning concert dates in February for us, asking me to get a sitter for this Saturday, and when I was almost asleep last night, she came in and snuggled with me. I think the reality of the situation is hitting her? Anyone else dealt with this? I've always told her I wanted to R, provided I could get over this, from very early. She's always said that's what she wants, but she's also not sure.

I'm going to take every peaceful action as positive, because peace is what I need right now, especially with Christmas right around the corner. What someone said to me, who's been through a divorce, and it may help some people here too...

Imagine a bunch of stepping stones across a pond right in front of you. You're on the first stepping stone and can stay there until you're ready to move onto the next one. You could be there an hour or a year, but only move when you're ready to move on to the next one. That pond could take months or years to cross, but take it at your own pace and move to each stone only when YOU feel comfortable.

I wish peace for everyone here, regardless of your situation. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy whatever you celebrate. Be happy, be with the ones that make you happy, and enjoy your life.

[This message edited by Masters2020 at 9:16 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

fareast posted 12/11/2019 09:20 AM

Keep on, keepin on. You do you Masters. Be vigilant. Be there for your children. Enjoy your Holidays.

Thumos posted 12/11/2019 09:39 AM

I'm breaking my "stepping away from SI" pledge today to address this for you, Masters. So here are my thoughts and advice.

You know what drives me crazy though, is people that say this isn't the hardest thing you'll go through

Don't let anyone minimize or tell you this isn't the hardest thing you'll go through. It very well may be, and science is now proving that as far as your brain is concerned it's the equivalent of surviving a terrorist attack. No you haven't been physically injured, but your brain doesn't know the difference. You're experiencing PISD (post infidelity stress disorder - yes, it's real) and that's why you need a personal IC for yourself, preferably one who specializes in betrayal trauma.

Also, don't let anyone try to minimize or talk away any feelings of emasculation you have. You're a real authentic biological male and there's a biochemical basis for these feelings, too. You bonded to your WW with both vasopressin and oxytocin. Women only bond with oxytocin. So men bond with two hormones, and one of those gives them a "possessive/protective" feeling over their wives and families. When that is painfully severed, the male brain experiences emasculation. Don't wallow in this. But don't ignore it either.

What's strange, is that after her saying she is done and we talked all about the divorce, she is starting to backtrack.

She's doing this because you're making it real for her and also because her AP is backpedaling away from her. She sees her plan A/plan B strategy backfiring badly and now she's going to lose both men.

This is what we've been telling you all along. WW's do this all the time when it gets real for them and when their BH's stop doing the pick me dance.

She's seeking you out as a comfort blanket (the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" phenomenon).

You need to forge ahead with all of the legal actions we've recommended, including filing for divorce. This seems like her threats of seeing an attorney might have been idle. Do not offer the same for her. Do not take your foot off the pedal.

*If* she truly wants to reconcile and you believe her, then give her the package of non-negotiables I recommended at the top of the thread. If she complies, you can make it clear you're not offering reconciliation only that it could be a possibility if she steps up with real remorse, empathy, truthfulness, and transparency.


Anyone else dealt with this?

Yes, Masters, we've ALL dealt with it. Precisely this. Exactly this thing. That's what we've been trying to tell you. There's collective wisdom on SI that is difficult to argue with. Your situation is unique, but it's not unique. Everything you're experiencing is part of a nauseatingly repetitive pattern by WW's.

In fact, when I implemented the 180 on my WW during her affair -- after she tried to convince me I'd falsely accused her and she invoked an in-home separation because of my "false" accusations -- she did this exact same thing after only one week. I was weak, I let her back in, and it took me three more weeks to finally blow the doors off the affair with solid proof. I don't want you to be weak. Don't do what I did. Hard 180. Disengage.

She's planning concert dates in February for us,

Put a stop to this. She's still living in cake-eating fantasyland. Tell her to cancel these. Implement the hard 180. Detach. You're divorcing her and you're not going to continue to remain her husband and companion.

I would also recommend you seriously consider separating your holiday season plans. There's absolutely no reason you should feel obligated to play house with her and "let's pretend" with the in-laws. This is why exposing the entire thing to your in-laws is critical here. They will understand why you will want separate holiday gatherings after they know the extent of what has happened.

when I was almost asleep last night, she came in and snuggled with me.

I would recommend that you gently, but firmly, put a stop to this as well. Detaching from allowing this is part of the 180.

"Wife, we are legally divorcing but you already divorced me spiritually and physically by unilaterally opening our marriage and having a boyfriend. You have dishonored me with infidelity. You have gaslighted me by continuing to lie about the affair and by breaking no contact. While I honor the years we've had together, I will have space now as we move forward with the divorce. Please go back to your own bed."

Once more:

1. Please get a VAR to carry on your person and consider a VAR for her car.
2. Get an STD test for yourself.
3. Inform her company of the improper relationship and simultaneously proceed with an employment law action against the VP of HR POSOM.
4. Proceed with divorce papers and separation agreement in front of her.
5. Proceed with an alienation of affection lawsuit against VP of HR.
6. Inform OBS you are proceeding with divorce.
7. Expose to all family members.
8. Sign up with an IC for yourself that specializes in betrayal trauma.

Then, if during this process, your wife finally cures her head-up-the-ass syndrome, you can offer her the all or nothing package of non-negotiables that would be a prerequisite ultimatum for any offer by you of reconciliation.

I wish you well.

[This message edited by Thumos at 9:45 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

Thumos posted 12/11/2019 09:47 AM

Oh, and stop wearing your wedding ring, if you haven't done so already. This sends a very strong and painful signal to WW's. They might act like the marriage meant shit to them, but when that ring comes off, the shit gets really real for them really fast. Why? Because they know you're a quality man and you'll be walking around in the world without a wedding ring on. Get it?

Thumos posted 12/11/2019 10:53 AM

Masters, since it sounds like your wife is starting to see the reality and it scares her, I recommend putting a separation agreement in front her and then if you really sense she’s come around, offer the package of non-negotiables but do not premise it on offering reconciliation. You’re taking a wait and see attitude.

The way I outlined it for you on the first page of this thread when you first came looking for advice is still a solid outline for moving forward.

The plan is outlined only a few comments down from your original post more than a month ago.

Especially doing a polygraph if you decide you might want to reconcile would be critical. You want to know what you’re forgiving and reconciling, and she’s still lying to you. A polygraph will shake loose the truth in a hurry.

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:56 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

Dismayed2012 posted 12/11/2019 11:09 AM

I'm re-posting part of my Nov 8 comment:

"Be ready for your wife to have a sudden change of heart and want to stay with you. This will likely happen after the other man's wife reveals what she knows and he ends up dumping your wife. If he doesn't dump her because of his wife, he'll dump her in order to save his job and reputation once you inform his boss what's going on. Your wife will then come begging for reconciliation. You need to consider what your response is going to be when that happens. Are you going to be a plan B to a woman who's been honest with you that she's not happy in this marriage?"

She's been dumped by the other man. She's realizing that you are her consolation prize. I personally couldn't live with that. Take care of yourself.

Thumos posted 12/11/2019 11:30 AM

She's been dumped by the other man. She's realizing that you are her consolation prize. I personally couldn't live with that. Take care of yourself.

Agree with the above. This is all straight from the cheater’s 101 handbook.

You were plan B in her plan A/plan B strategy. She had a fantasy about being the new wife of a “successful executive.” That was never going to happen bc she was just an exciting side piece for Mr. VP of HR. He’s now scrambling to save his ass, and he likely dumped her.

Now she’s back to plan B and snuggling up to you at night.

Proceed with hard 180, separation agreement, separate holidays, no more concert tickets or any other such nonsense.

-Get a VAR To protect yourself
-Get tested for STDs
-Expose to all her family
-proceed with all legal actions, especially get this predator out of the company.

Thumos posted 12/11/2019 12:06 PM

I'm gone next week for a conference, so she'll be alone with the kids, then I come back and we all go back to our hometown for Christmas week.

Take off your wedding ring before you go to the conference. Not as a game. As part of the hard 180 and separation. She already unilaterally divorced you and you are under no obligation to shackle yourself to pain and wear an outward symbol of something she already ended.

DoinBettr posted 12/11/2019 12:13 PM

You have only done steps after being pushed a little. If you need some more pushes, go reread your posts.
I bet your wife's AP was busted and turned down your wife, especially since it is Christmas and he has kids. I know you want a peaceful holiday, but you could leverage it. Ask for a serious timeline and schedule a polygraph. You don't have to go, just schedule it. She might shake loose some more truth. Maybe even provide your list of questions.
Also, write up a list of what you would need to even consider reconciliation. You need this on paper so she has a starting place. The "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair" is a good book to also just leave her with while you are gone.
Merry Christmas. Know that next year the holidays will be better. This year it is just going to suck. Sorry.

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