"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

36yearsgone posted 11/19/2019 12:58 PM

First, let me get this off my chest: In my opinion, anyone who chooses to cheat with a married person deserves a Darwin Award. They are an insult to the gene pool. My apologies to our FWAP’s.

D-day and the days that followed were quite busy for me. After confronting my wife and finally getting an admission for her affair, I turned my attention to the POSOM.

I took my wife’s phone and texted the POSOM’s work phone, as that was the only phone number I knew (my wife had his personal phone in her contact list under the alias of a female friend). As I recall, I identified myself, told him I knew he had been fucking my wife and that I wanted to meet with him.

I was still feeling the rising anger not only over the affair, but the fact that he showed up at my house, late in the evening, on the Friday before D-day, saying he wanted us to go out dancing with him. What he was really doing is acting like a dog pissing in my living room, claiming his territory.

He responded to my text claiming there was no affair and that he “loved my family.” That comment made me want to show up at his house and pull his lungs through his nose. He said I was crazy and that he would never do any such thing. Bullshit!

He “loved my family?” Was he there when my son died? Did he deliver all four of my sons? Did he pay my wife’s bills? Did he take care of any of her needs, other than her misplaced desire to be fucked by someone she formerly claimed to hate?

He invited me over to discuss the matter. I decided against it that evening on the way over to his house as I already had to deal with police more than once that day (and the next).

I did eventually go over to his house. I knocked on the door and a woman living there (another fuck buddy) answered the door and claimed he wasn’t home. I asked her to tell him the man whose wife he was fucking stopped by. She was shocked and asked who that was. I told her he has a list and my wife is on it.

He called the police stating he was in fear of his life as I was after him for fucking my wife (which he told them he didn’t do). Yay, another police visit. His employer (another one he was fucking) called the police as well. It was a delightful few days, spending time in handcuffs at least once.

This POSOM was the same one who was working on a plan to do me in and gain control of my company and finances. I honestly expected to be murdered.

I don’t know where this thread is heading. I just suddenly had all these memories pop into my head this morning and drive me into a silent rage. I think I have decided to return my attention to this POSOM and expedite the process for bringing his sorry ass down. My attorney has warned me to keep silent about him, so I don’t foul up the investigation and ultimately prosecution. But I am growing impatient.

Anyway, back to the APs thinking:

He saw an attractive woman and wanted to add another notch to his diseased dick.

He saw that she was vulnerable after working closely with her for several months.

He saw that we had money and he wanted it.

He saw that he could get some money from her.

He saw that he could get more money from her if I was somehow taken out of the way.

He believed that the money he could steal was worth the risk of me finding out and turning him into a bloody pulp of human excrement.

Not once did he care that he was sexually preying on a married woman.

Not once did he care that he was destroying a marriage.

Not once did he think that his affair with my wife should stop him from sleeping with dozens of other women at the same time.

Not once did he think, “Hey, all do Mr. 36 a courtesy and use a condom when fucking his wife or any other women.”

Many months later my wife told me that she didn’t understand all her POSOM was doing. I told her he was an open book. Unfortunately, she was illiterate.

Forgive me for raging and rambling. Sometimes I just need to share my rage.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 12:59 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

36yearsgone posted 11/19/2019 13:02 PM

I probably should've made this post more specific. Instead of "How APs think", I maybe should've changed it to "How her AP thought."

devotedman posted 11/19/2019 13:12 PM

I've read your posts about this before. Every time I read about them I still am dumbfounded

Don't mess up the investigation/ prosecution.

I feel for you, brother.

36yearsgone posted 11/19/2019 13:16 PM

I think I am more upset that he showed up at my home to spread his scent than I am about the affair. Both were heinous, but the latter shows a sick, smug amount of disrespect.

fooled13years posted 11/19/2019 13:20 PM

36yearsgone

Don't mess up the investigation/ prosecution

I personally am looking forward to getting the results from you or seeing it in the papers.

Forgive me for raging and rambling. Sometimes I just need to share my rage

It's good to pop off here to release the pressure.

That helps to prevent you from raging on someone IRL.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/19/2019 13:53 PM

I can feel the rage coming off the page. So much better to get ut out here than on the OM.

Don't mess up the investigation/ prosecution

It would really suck if he walked away and you ended up in prison.

Rideitout posted 11/19/2019 14:33 PM

Not just your W's AP, unless he happens to also be my W's AP, just about everything you said there applies directly. I never looked at the financial angle, but, wouldn't surprise me one bit that he was thinking "I can afford to D my W if I can get Mrs. RIO to take care of me with RIO's money". In fact, I never asked if they discussed finances and now I'm a bit curious, but it wouldn't surprise me one bit.

I'm sorry man, just know, you're not alone. In fact, I don't think you're even in the minority, this is just standard issue behavior in my experience.. Sad as that is.

crazyblindsided posted 11/19/2019 15:07 PM

It’s pretty gross! My STBX’s MOW is the one who enjoyed watching me suffer. I’m thinking my STBX thought the same way as she did since he took the A underground.

MOW used to work for him. She met me and my kids before I discovered the A. She was also in it for financial reasons. I made him fire her after D-Day but their A continued and he helped pay her rent for the whole 2 years we were in False R.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 3:08 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

20yrsagoBS posted 11/19/2019 15:15 PM

One of WH’s POSOW pretends she has since found religion. She preaches forgiveness and the absolution os sin. But, she never apologized to me, for fucking my husband, for giving him/us Trichomonas, for helping to rob my innocent son of a father during his first few months of life.

Yes, WH is ultimately responsible for sticking his dick in that dumpster.

But DAMN, the evil these monsters possess, is mind boggling!

36yearsgone posted 11/19/2019 15:34 PM

The evil of her AP was so thick it was palpable. I don't think I could live with myself if I had so much disregard for a BS.

Wintergarden posted 11/19/2019 16:07 PM

You have dealt with more thanks could imagine.
Stay strong

anoldlion posted 11/19/2019 16:28 PM

I think I have read most of your other post. If I'm wrong please overlook this question. I think I remember that back in September you were contemplating getting back with your wife. If you were considering attempting R then how is your relationship with your wife presently? Where does R stand today? I do wish you well.

36yearsgone posted 11/19/2019 16:30 PM

I think I have read most of your other post. If I'm wrong please overlook this question. I think I remember that back in September you were contemplating getting back with your wife. If you were considering attempting R then how is your relationship with your wife presently? Where does R stand today? I do wish you well.

Nothing has changed since then. I have forgiven, unfortunately I have not forgotten. I was warned that I would be triggered repeatedly during this phase. It appears to be happening.

I did spend much of the weekend with her, as my eldest son, his wife, my two granddaughters and my grandson came to visit.

Dorothy123 posted 11/19/2019 16:56 PM

36, I'm sorry that you are hurting so bad.

Butforthegrace posted 11/19/2019 17:08 PM

36, I think you know your thread is truly remarkable on this point. The thing to keep in mind is that your WW invited this person into your marriage.

Forgiveness merely means a lack of desire for revenge. It does not equate to healing.

M1965 posted 11/19/2019 17:17 PM

36,

The chances are that the AP in your situation is a psychopath. When you do not care about the impact of your actions, you can say and do all kinds of things that people with more conscience and accountability could not do.

So perhaps another way to frame the question would be, "Why do APs not think?"

Why do they give themselves license to do bad things that ruin lives? Why does guilt not feature in their emotional make-up?

Interestingly, in your thread about women preferring assholes, HikingOut (a WW) discusses how affairs are not powered by rational thought or normal standards/considerations. They are, in fact, powered by the suspension of all of the usual checks and balances that a person would apply to a 'real' relationship.

As every wayward is an AP, it seems like they view their affairs on a similar level to a video game. Nothing done during an affair matters, because it is not the real world; it is an alternate universe. Until the affair is discovered, and the two worlds become one.

The AP in your case was abusive and dangerous, totally exploitative, and totally without any conscience or boundaries. That is why I believe he is a psychopath, and why you would need to be a psychologist to really understand how a person like that works and makes decisions.

And to be honest, I think we are better off not understanding how to be that abusive. Our inability to think that way does us credit.

[This message edited by M1965 at 3:41 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

The1stWife posted 11/19/2019 17:18 PM

I’m sorry you are still struggling with all this. Though we all know it will take years and years to move past some of it.

Your betrayal was on so many levels I wonder if I would survive it.

My H’s first EA of four years was with a woman who pretended to be my friend. We socialized together. She was at our home. I knew she was interested in my H she originally I laughed about it. I never felt threatened.

Until the day she made her move. By pretending to be my friend and asking if it was ok to have my H attend a wedding with her b/c she did not have a date.

Like that was ever going to happen!!!

I understand the immense trauma 36 suffered. To know it was more than affair - it was a plot to take everything from you. Your dice was just an unwitting victim and pawn in his game or plot to cheat you and rob you Blind.

Don’t do anything. Let him get arrested and suffer legal consequences. That would be a fitting outcome.

Rideitout posted 11/19/2019 17:27 PM

The AP in your case was abusive and dangerous, totally exploitative, and totally without any conscience or boundaries.

Yeah, and, in other news, the sky is blue. This is part/parcel for affairs and for APs. My wife behaved as a psychopath too, and her AP, may well actually be a psycho/sociopath. But, again, how is this news to anyone. You go shopping for a lover on death row, guess what, you find a lot of murderers. That's what people on death row do to get there. You go into an A, guess what, you find a lot of personality disordered people, that's where they go/are. And yes, a lot of people on the psycho/socio spectrum. Honestly, I think it's hard to have an A without at least one (and perhaps 2) people who are at least operating as psychopaths (and may actually be clinical, but not necessarily).

Sal1995 posted 11/19/2019 17:29 PM

I never met my wife's AP but figured out quickly that he was a POS player who was probably screwing multiple women at the same time. I didn't confront him because I sensed that it would be nothing more than feeding a troll's ego, and that a confrontation or a fight would probably happen, and I'd probably be the one who ended up in jail and jeopardizing my professional license.

Also, there was a huge sense of embarrassment - my wife was otherwise way out of this guy's league, or should have been. This is a relationship that could only have existed in the shadows of affair land. I didn't want him in any of our lives one second longer.

But once R started in earnest, it didn't take me long to realize how completely irrelevant AP was. He was my wife's creation, entirely. And she could go out any time and create AP #2 if she wanted, or she could choose to live a life of integrity and honesty and not ever have another affair.

It's tempting to focus so much rage and contempt towards the AP, but it is misguided in my opinion. Your feelings are understandable because you have a name, a face, a voice, and uncomfortable memories to associate with your wife's affair. But in the end, they had an affair because she wanted to. She invited the evil into your life. You have one wife, but her potential APs number in the hundreds, at least. It can be hard to come to grips with the fact that our biggest problem sleeps next to us every night, but that is the reality. I've always felt that intense focus on the AP is a form of mental rugsweeping.

Because of the investigation going on, it may not be possible for you to mentally cast the AP aside and move on at this point in time. I hope that changes for you soon. He doesn't need to take up any more of your time or energy.

ETA: 36, all that stuff I said earlier...easier said than done. I'm sorry you're hurting. Should have lead off with that.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 7:08 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

36yearsgone posted 11/20/2019 09:30 AM

ETA: 36, all that stuff I said earlier...easier said than done. I'm sorry you're hurting. Should have lead off with that.

Thanks.