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How APs think

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MamaDragon posted 11/20/2019 12:51 PM

My FWH's AP was all about the money and nice things my FWH had. She assumed *HE* was the breadwinner and that she would soon be driving the lexus, with the nice house and loads of land.

She was a bit dumbfounded when she realized that everything he had that was expensive was because I had inherited a lot of money, the house & land plus *I* was the breadwinner. She should have been romancing *ME*. As it was, she was not to happy to hear that *IF* they continued and we did get divorced, I would do everything in my power to make sure they never had a moment for romance - by making them take the kids on her off weekend of having hers...and I would teach the service dog of my daughter's to pee in their house.

36yearsgone posted 11/20/2019 12:56 PM

and I would teach the service dog of my daughter's to pee in their house.

Vengeance is a dish best served yellow?

Butforthegrace posted 11/20/2019 20:37 PM

The one thing I've learned here on SI is that any and every human motivation for being involved in infidelity you can think of -- either as a WS or an AP -- you can find it here.

I know a woman. She was educated and cultured. Exotically pretty in the way American men view women from other cultures where skin may have a bit of melanin, hair jet black and silken, lips soft, eyes dark and inscrutable.

She was an uber-predator. In her 20's she found a middle-aged very successful high level executive. Started a PA with him and made it a point to keep it not-so-secret, so his BW found out and divorced him. They wed. She made him a happy man for a bit over 10 years then divorced his ass and took him for all she could get. Ended up with a luxury 3-floor condo in the nicest part of a big city, with million dollar luxury views, plus alimony. Then she did it again, this time with another very high roller, also a decade or two older, also married. Again she busted up the marriage, pussy-bombed him to get married, waited 10+ years, then divorced his ass. Ended up with a big chunk of stock in the family's super-cash-cow business and a giant estate in the country to complement her big city condo, plus alimony.

Your WW's AP was a bad man. Like the woman I knew. He was after women for what he could take from them, and he figured out ways to make them think they felt good while he was taking it. Your wife was as stupid as those middle aged businessmen. Seriously. A chubby, boring, workaholic, middle-aged man honestly believes that a smart, educated, cultured, smoking hot exotic beauty is so hot for him she is instantly all over him to the point of taking crazy risks of getting caught? Right.

KingofNothing posted 12/16/2019 14:42 PM

Nothing has changed since then. I have forgiven, unfortunately I have not forgotten. I was warned that I would be triggered repeatedly during this phase. It appears to be happening.

I did spend much of the weekend with her, as my eldest son, his wife, my two granddaughters and my grandson came to visit.

36, are you still living with your ex? Spouse? I think I would need a long separation from her to even begin to think of reconciliation. Your story is a harrowing one. Has she ever confirmed the risks she brought into your marriage, or shown remorse for it? I'm really not getting that vibe.

36yearsgone posted 12/16/2019 15:06 PM

36, are you still living with your ex? Spouse? I think I would need a long separation from her to even begin to think of reconciliation. Your story is a harrowing one. Has she ever confirmed the risks she brought into your marriage, or shown remorse for it? I'm really not getting that vibe.

I have a place of my own.

I don't know that she has ever confirmed the risks; she has, however, confirmed her regrets.

Dismayed2012 posted 12/16/2019 15:30 PM

Not once did your wife think about you, your children, or the damage she personally was doing to everyone who loved her. Secondarily, she chose to ignore the obvious signs that the other man was a piece of crap (the first and obvious sign was him pursuing a married woman). None of this could have happened if your wife had chosen you, her kids, her family, or her friends over the other man. He had no obligation to you or your family. She had every obligation to you and your family. Who's actions are worse? I say hers are. I wish the best for you.

36yearsgone posted 12/16/2019 15:36 PM

Not once did your wife think about you, your children, or the damage she personally was doing to everyone who loved her.

This is likely true.

Secondarily, she chose to ignore the obvious signs that the other man was a piece of crap (the first and obvious sign was him pursuing a married woman).

Before she had the affair, she did claim the POSOM was a complete asshole, womanizer and scary. He's sleeping with everyone in the office... Somewhere prior to the affair, she stopped complaining about him and began offering up praise for him: he's so kind! He's so conscientious! He cares for the clients he's working with. The switch from complaints to praise should've tipped me off.

None of this could have happened if your wife had chosen you, her kids, her family, or her friends over the other man.

True.

He had no obligation to you or your family. She had every obligation to you and your family. Who's actions are worse? I say hers are. I wish the best for you.

Her actions were atrocious. But I believe now that his were much worse.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 3:36 PM, December 16th (Monday)]

fooled13years posted 12/16/2019 15:49 PM

While I do not know 100% I am fairly certain that in the case of my ExWW and former friend, they both independently were thinking..... me, me, me, me and even more me.

36yearsgone posted 12/16/2019 15:50 PM

While I do not know 100% I am fairly certain that in the case of my ExWW and former friend, they both independently were thinking..... me, me, me, me and even more me.

I think this is resoundingly true.

Odonna posted 12/16/2019 16:12 PM

So why is your heart still set on the impossible hope that she will change?

36yearsgone posted 12/16/2019 16:14 PM

So why is your heart still set on the impossible hope that she will change?

I don't know. I honestly don't know.

Gemini83 posted 12/16/2019 17:03 PM

I believe my WH AP is a worse person then he is. His betrayal to me was far greater then hers, we have never met. She was a BS as well, her H had 6 or 7 A and was in prison. She knew first hand the pain she would inflict with her actions. She didnít care; I believe for two reasons. 1. I think she enjoys being the OW because if she is the one inflicting pain she isnít receiving it. 2. She had 4 kids and 2 part time jobs and that math does not add up. She was looking for a meal ticket and on paper my H looks good.

Today it occurred to me how terrible she really is. She saw how her WH actions affected her children and she was totally ok hurting my daughter the same way. She truly is the scum of the universe. APs like her that know what they are doing and how their actions will hurt someone or a family should all rot in hell together.

BetterTimesAhead posted 12/16/2019 18:50 PM

I believe my WH AP is a worse person then he is. His betrayal to me was far greater then hers, we have never met. She was a BS as well, her H had 6 or 7 A and was in prison. She knew first hand the pain she would inflict with her actions. She didnít care; I believe for two reasons. 1. I think she enjoys being the OW because if she is the one inflicting pain she isnít receiving it. 2. She had 4 kids and 2 part time jobs and that math does not add up. She was looking for a meal ticket and on paper my H looks good.
Today it occurred to me how terrible she really is. She saw how her WH actions affected her children and she was totally ok hurting my daughter the same way. She truly is the scum of the universe. APs like her that know what they are doing and how their actions will hurt someone or a family should all rot in hell together.

I tried explaining this to my WH because my situation is similar. His AP's H supposedly cheated on her, so I told her how awful she was because she knew how it felt to be a BS, what it did to her family and yet she did it to me and my family. Just a few days ago he indicated that he gets it. Took over 9 months! Until recently WH was on the "she had no commitment to you so you can't be mad at her" attitude. I told him if only one of you had integrity this wouldn't have happened. She should not have interfered in our marriage and even if he had no respect for himself she should have had respect for him, his marriage and his family. He FINALLY gets it. Now to see if he gets the rest...

Gemini83 posted 12/16/2019 18:58 PM

Better times ahead, itís hard to explain, isnít it? She didnít have any commitments to me. She showed her true colors. She is not a good person. Itís two separate issues. His betrayal was the greatest to me. Sheís truly a more terrible person over all. I honestly canít think of a single redeeming quality for her. Sheís not even a good mother.

Gottagetthrough posted 12/16/2019 20:47 PM

I think I am more upset that he showed up at my home to spread his scent than I am about the affair. Both were heinous, but the latter shows a sick, smug amount of disrespect

Ow in my story did something similar. She was screwing my husband and they came to get his stuff (she was pretending to be his ďlandlordĒ and rent him a room in her house)

She wanted to meet me and talk , girl to girl as sheís just gone thru a divorce. I did go out in her car and talk for a bit. She was such a liar. Getting off on talking to me and trying to be a friend after screwing my Wh!

She also wanted to meet my kids, you now, so when they visited dad theyíd know her... didnít do that.

The gaul of these APs is amazing. My Whís AP actually has significant mental health and drug issues.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 8:48 PM, December 16th (Monday)]

20yrsagoBS posted 12/16/2019 22:44 PM

WHís AP from his 1996 DDay was fucking Jim to get a baby, child support, and military benefits for the bastard. OBS has lost his testicles to cancer, thus unable to knock her up.

WH is such a dumbass

The1stWife posted 12/17/2019 03:34 AM

What are the legal consequences to the AP in this case?

36yearsgone posted 12/17/2019 08:30 AM

The bottom-line for me is this: anyone who knowingly enters into an affair with a married person is the scum of the earth. They do not care for anyone but themselves. The same seems to be true of the WS.

sisoon posted 12/17/2019 12:50 PM

How can you R with the scum of the earth? Some of where you are may be due to that apparent contradiction.

If your W is scum, then D is the obvious solution. If she's not scum and if she's doing or will do the work necessary to change from betrayer to good partner, then R is the obvious choice. But you don't seem able to make the choice....

That's meant as an observation, not as criticism.

36yearsgone posted 12/18/2019 12:39 PM

How can you R with the scum of the earth? Some of where you are may be due to that apparent contradiction.

Good question. It is my belief that people can change.


If your W is scum, then D is the obvious solution. If she's not scum and if she's doing or will do the work necessary to change from betrayer to good partner, then R is the obvious choice. But you don't seem able to make the choice....

I do have trouble following through on my choice.

That's meant as an observation, not as criticism.

Sisoon, I always enjoy hearing from you. Your wisdom is not wasted on me.

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