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ďBand-aidĒ Baby?

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Skoochnski posted 12/3/2019 02:56 AM

So I find myself is an odd position and Iím wondering if itís normal or if Iím the only one.

WH and I have been married for seventeen years. His first affair was about 18 months after I had our first and only child. When I met him I had a seven-year-old daughter and he had two children from his previous marriage aged three and five.

He always told me nothing went on between him and his AP and I chalked it up to an EA. But I *knew.* I had that gut feeling. (I found out last month that it was truly a PA lasting several months.)

The EA hurt me deeply and even though I wanted another child so our DD had a full blood sibling, I never acted on it because his EA had ruined the mother/ child experience for me. WH complained that I spent more time caring for the children than I did caring for his needs and complained that I was fat- which is why he sought AP. And he was only too happy to tell AP about how disgusted he was by my weight gain even though I had only gained 20 pounds weighing in at 180 and I was nursing at that time so it was all in my boobs. Not to mention the fact that his first wife was 300 pounds when he met her. 🙄 We separated shortly thereafter.

Since DDay, The normal HB has ensued but even back as far as this past July I noticed my libido has returned with a vengeance that can only be likened to that of a teenage boy! 😂

I am 45 years old so I am aware that this is my biological clock ticking. HoweverÖÖÖ That coupled with HB and WHís better treatment of me has me wanting a baby very badly.

I guess some part of me wants the ďhappy familyĒ Child rearing experience that I was denied before.

I spoke with my sister about this and she described it as a ďBand-Aid baby.Ē I have never heard that term before.

I can list 1 million reasons why I should not have a baby. The top 2 being the affair and my age.

Our youngest is 16 and our oldest is 24. This is the point in my life when I should be a grandmother however my children have absolutely no intention of procreating and I respect that.

But this isnít about them, this is about the feeling Iíve always had someone was missing in our family yet never acting on it because of how horribly wrong the last one went due to the A.

I spoke with WH about wanting a baby and he said he always thought this would be ďour timeĒ in life and he has been looking forward to concentrating on me. But if I honestly wanted a baby he would give me one. He then admitted that he never even wanted our DD because he already had a boy and a girl from his previous marriage. He only agreed because that was the stipulation I laid out when we started dating. I was very straight forward and told him,

ďIím 27. Iím not getting any younger. If you are not interested in getting married and you are not interested in having more children and you do not like roller coasters please do not date me.Ē

This saddened me and he was quick to interject that he loved DD with all his heart and could not imagine life without her but had he not met me he would not have sought to have another child.

And so here I am. 🤷‍♀️

All I can think about is babies. All of my friends are having babies. Several of my family members are having babies. And my baby is now 16 and no longer needs me 😪 so I think part of this might be an empty nest syndrome as well.

But these feelings are so strong weíve actually put off WHís vasectomy.


[This message edited by Skoochnski at 3:00 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]

The1stWife posted 12/3/2019 03:24 AM

Any health risks you should be aware of? Think about 60 with a teenager. Doing it now. Itís not so bad but I am a young and healthy person fortunately

Think of the college expenses and you being close to retirement. Have a financial plan prepared so you know what you may be facing.

Skoochnski posted 12/3/2019 04:27 AM

@The1stWife actually I do have high BP. I take two meds for it and both pregnancies were affected by it.

[This message edited by Skoochnski at 4:27 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]

BigBlueEyes posted 12/3/2019 04:56 AM

Iím not trying to advise you in any way,
Iím 47 yrs old, a mother of 4 Wonderful awesome kids, & nanny to 10 beautiful adorable grandchildren,
I had all my children in a 4 yr period, 4, 2, then newborn twins,
All my time was spent caring for my kids, my heart & soul went into providing for them as they grew up.
My XH had his 1st affair after my twins were born, another A a few yrs later, multiple dubious actions over the yrs.
So believe me I know how it goes...I wasnít there for him, he was neglected, his needs werenít met...bla bla bla.
Divorced soon 🤞

Fast forward to now for my point, I take care of my GC 2 days per week for 1 of my DILís to work partime. Itís hard, I mean bloody hard work. I love all my babies however I look forward to actually going to work the days I donít have them, Iím a supervisor in a very busy retail shop (I work from 7am till 6pm 4/5 days) so itís not an easy job 😂, however itís a breeze compared to looking after little ones at this age.

I honestly donít know how mothers do this in there 40ís,
The only way I cope is because I can hand them back to mum & dad & then go home to 😴

I always wanted 1 more child when mine were older but Iím gonna be honest & say for me Iím actually thankful I didnít.

Lalagirl posted 12/3/2019 05:56 AM


That biological clock sure is strong, eh?

IMHO, your strong need to be with child is more of the fact that your body is beginning to move into the next phase and your hormones are talking. We as human beings have a natural desire to procreate and this desire waxes and wanes throughout our life.

I am 54 years old - I had my two DDs at 18 and 22 and an emergency hysterectomy at 23. I still have occasional desires to conceive and have dreams where I am with child, going through pregnancy - feeling baby kicks, giving birth, kissing and cuddling the baby. I have five grandchildren ages 10 and under, and while that helped a little with "baby fever," my occasional desire to have a baby did not lessen. Again, that's how we are wired.

You wanting to have a baby is completely your decision, but I implore you to weigh the physical and emotional risks and benefits.

The fact that your H expressed that he did not want another baby is something that I would take into account. I have read far too much on here where Hs become WHs (either for the first time or another A) when their wife is with child.



Skoochnski posted 12/3/2019 05:59 AM

@BigBlueEyes You are absolutely correct; babies are a handful and will wear you out! WH pointed out how much I like to sleep in when we were discussing it. 😂

tl502 posted 12/3/2019 06:11 AM

Every child deserves 2 parent that want them and love them. Your H has told you how he feels.
As far as your health, your bp could be a problem. I would discuss this with your doctor. Health risks and other concerns increase with pregnancy, but older women are having healthy pregnancies every day.
I understand your drive to have a baby, but, you certainly need to weigh all the parameters first.

landclark posted 12/3/2019 06:38 AM

Iím 46 and if I could have another baby, I absolutely would (fertility issues prevent this without a lot of intervention). I will say though, the fact that your WH doesnít want another complicates it. Would be end up being resentful?

I wanted a second child and my WH wasnít willing to do the extra fertility steps to make that happen (beyond IUI). I honestly still resent him a bit for it. I also think the fact that he had an affair going with a woman he was hoping to be with affected his decision to not pursue a second pregnancy. He wonít admit that, but I believe thatís the case. She was very upset about my first pregnancy.

Would you be resentful if you donít have another?

backtonormal posted 12/3/2019 12:18 PM

I agree with a few of the other responses - you need to think of your own health especially with the bp being high. I also think you need to think of the physical toll it could take after the birth. I'm 57 and have spent quite a bit of time taking care of my grandbabies for several days straight. They are 4, 2 and 7 months. When my daughter had the third baby I stayed with them for a week and looked after the 4 & 2 yr old while mom could have time recovering from the C-section and focus on the baby. I was completely exhausted and I'm in good shape (I'm a fitness instructor)! I couldn't wait to get home to rest even though I miss my grandbabies dearly.
It is also disconcerting if you and your husband can't agree on the situation. Open, honest and compromising communication is essential.
I would also suggest the possibility of seeing a counselor. This could help you find joy in this later season of life and realizing that your husband needing and actually wanting you can be just as rewarding if not more so than a baby wanting and needing you to take care them. This baby will also grow up and move out at some point - will you need a new baby at that point to fill a void? I think maybe you need to see why your husband is unable to fulfill that void and enjoy this time of your life.
Sorry this got long but trying to express some thoughts as they came to mind that might help you discern your options.

DesertLily posted 12/3/2019 13:15 PM

I've heard of the bandaid baby. My niece has three of them. It's a common misconception that a baby will bring a couple closer together.

My niece recently S from her WH, after finding out about five OC, all with different APs. Totally disgusting.

I'm a couple of years younger than you, and during HB, I had the same desire. It passed, and I'm thankful that I didn't get what I wanted during that emotional rollercoaster.

secondtime posted 12/3/2019 13:55 PM

I have four kids.

The last one was an oops. I didn't want to have four kids. But, she was my old age, infertility, and birth control fail.

#2 and #4 were conceived during hysterical bonding.

#2 was conceived within a week of DDay1.

I absolutely wanted that. My husband had already taken so much away from me. I wasn't going to let him take away my dream of having more than one kid.

I also did it with eyes wide open. I could support a separated/divorced family with two kids. But, I was also in my 30s, and recovering from a divorce was far easier then, especially as the primary breadwinner.

In my 40s, with double the children, the calculations are really far different.

So. I've had two DDays with my husband. He's a recovering sex addict, so I'm assuming there will be more. I refuse to believe things are "different" now.

I spent 20 of my fertile years romanticizing what a surprise, no intervention needed pregnancy would be like.

As it turned out, my romanticizing what I thought the experience would be like in those 20 years, was absolutely nothing like reality.

There are no guarantees that you are going to get the happy family child rearing experience that you missed out before. I mean, what if you get a kid like my third, that would only sleep at night if she was held. For 13 months I slept from 3-5 hours a night. I use night, loosely, because a few times a week I was up for 30+hours straight. You are fooling yourself if you think that you all will be happy with that level of sleep deprivation.

What if your kid turns out to decide to live life on the wrong side of the tracks? What if your husband cheats again? What if your health deteriorates in unforeseen ways? Will these things allow you to have the "happy family" child rearing experience?

[This message edited by secondtime at 1:57 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]

tushnurse posted 12/3/2019 14:35 PM

Skooch honey you are so early on in this experience of healing from infidelity I would really caution you on this.

Your sister may be onto something w/the thought of the Band-aid Baby - it won't fix him, and it won't repair what he has destroyed. Now if you are completely and totally capable of doing the mom thing alone, including financially then go for it, but if you are wanting this to make a happy family again don't. It won't.
His excuses for doing what he has done are all about him not getting enough attention already, has he fixed that? If not are you prepared for him to do it again, because there is a high likelihood he will.

Age and hormones, and the stress you are under are all reasons you are feeling this way, and I get it, but don't get pregnant or try to get pregnant now. You are almost done, 6 more years and you will be. Do you really want to start all over again? Me I'm just pushing to get them on their own, so I can downsize my home, and maybe start seriously considering retirement before I die (I am approaching 50).

EllieKMAS posted 12/3/2019 14:40 PM

Skooch, given your posts from the last couple of weeks and the fact that you are so near to DDay, I will pipe in here and say with my 0.02 that you having a baby right now is in no way a good idea.

I feel ya - I always wanted kids and gave my child-bearing years to my xshitbag who left me for a 19 yo slut. I'm 38 so my chances of having a kid at this point are pretty low. But it definitely crossed my mind more than once in the last year of dealing with the infidelity stuff. As did getting more pets (which I also don't need), you know, because puppies!

Just focus on you and your healing!!

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 2:40 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]

Catwoman posted 12/3/2019 15:21 PM

I'll be the lone dissenter and say absolutely not.

Your child together and his children will likely not have a close relationship with a sibling so far apart from them in age. That can be a challenge with family gatherings and present potential issues with a child's emotions.

I would think about IC to see what might be missing from your life. I don't really think it would be another child.

I suspect that your WH might really come to resent another baby, particularly since his vision of this time in your life as a couple differ so radically from yours.

As you know, a child is a huge commitment in years, altered lifestyle, time, etc. With your age and health, it would be a huge gamechanger. I'm 58--I could no more imagine teaching a teen to drive than to flap my arms and fly to the moon.

I think "baby" is something else masquerading as baby. Are you in IC?


Dragonfly123 posted 12/3/2019 16:14 PM

I had both my babies in my forties. For every argument against having babies later, I can give you many arguments for. Itís bloody wonderful and I love every minute! Iím no more tired than any other parent of small children and I hold down a full time job and being a separated parent!

Everyone can have an opinion on what they think it might be like being an older mum at 50, 60, 70 whatever, but they are not YOU! You know your own limits.

That said, my concern here (and this is not in support or against, just a concern) is not that youíre broody (Iím still broody ), itís that you are considering bringing a baby into a difficult situation. Youíve openly admitted that in the last affair he used the birth of your baby to justify his cheating. He has poor coping strategies, heís a man child, and right now another baby would be a HUGE risk to take. So many of us dealt with men who cheated while we were dealing with small children. Itís a type. A type that seeks escapism while life at home is stressful. Can you really run the risk of another affair and the impact of that on your children with a possible new born in the mix?

I feel your confusion, I do, I had a moment a few months ago that I realised my WHs affair took away the chance for any third child for me.

But you have to weigh up whatís good for your whole family. Iím really sorry youíre going through this.

landclark posted 12/3/2019 16:34 PM

Your child together and his children will likely not have a close relationship with a sibling so far apart from them in age. That can be a challenge with family gatherings and present potential issues with a child's emotions.

Iím not sure I understand this. The age gap between my son and his siblings (my step kids) is between 16 years and 25 years, and theyíre all close. No issues at family gatherings and no emotional issues. My husbands family has up to a 25 year age gap between him and the oldest, and again his siblings are all close.

Is the relationship different when theyíre younger? Sure, of course, but doesnít mean they canít be close.

emergent8 posted 12/3/2019 17:33 PM

I tend to consider "band-aid babies as babies that are conceived for the purpose of repairing the marriage or bringing the couple closer together. It's not clear to me whether that's what you're proposing or whether you just want a baby. I would advise against the former. I would be cautious about the latter, especially because it sounds like you're not both on the same page about things. You want to be on the same page about things. How long has your desire for another baby existed? If it's relatively a new phenomenon, I'd hold off before making any permanent decisions either way.

I had a baby post-affair - I'm currently pregnant with #2. Baby #1 was desperately wanted (by both myself and my spouse) prior to and during the affair (i know, but it's true, trust me....). Post-affair, I was in my mid-30s and felt like time was ticking and I was not going to let his poor choices prevent me from being a mother. When I got pregnant with my daughter, I was acutely aware of the risks of doing so. I was prepared to be a mother with or without him. He understood that just because we were having a baby, wasn't a promise that we would stick it out. Although her birth may have had healing benefits, that was never her purpose. I do not consider her a bandaid-baby. Many would disagree, that's fine.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 12/3/2019 20:37 PM

Just no.

Luna10 posted 12/4/2019 06:18 AM

Babies are not plasters to put over a bleeding wound. Babies should be brought up in a loving stable environment. Sure, there are lots of situation where a baby had to come along post infidelity or pre dday due to various circumstances. Bringing up a baby in a fragile relationship isnít ideal.

I can tell you that in my case WH went into ďletís have a babyĒ following dday. I thought ďHell no! ď . For me itís pretty simple: I havenít been the same dedicated mother to my existing children since dday 2 years ago. They were cared for and provided for of course. But emotionally? No, I wasnít there fully. I had less patience than ever. I had little time to talk about random child things. I had little interest in their academic and extra curricular activities.

The first year after dday is now a fog. My dd saw me sobbing. I had to lie to her regarding why I was sobbing. She saw me exhausted. Iím taking time for IC/MC appointments. I had times when I was a wreck and barely functioning.

This is not the right environment to bring a child in. More so a struggling relationship which you may prefer to save post infidelity doesnít need a baby that adds additional stress to it. Tiredness magnifies any issue in your life. Imagine getting only a few hours sleep while also dealing with infidelity conversations and lack of trust. Imagine arguing about whoís turn is to change/walk the baby on top of the arguments about affairs, lack of trust, triggers etc.

No way would I bring a kid willingly into this world so early post infidelity.

nekonamida posted 12/4/2019 07:54 AM

Skooch, I think you should only go for another baby if you're okay with raising it alone in a few years. Your WH's issues are so tied up in your role as a parenting, no matter how unreasonable that may be, that it's very likely for this to put a huge strain on R for you and make him more likely to act out. It wouldn't excuse him if he did but he has not had enough time and work done to whether another life stresser that mirror what he believes are the reasons for his As too closely. He is too broken right now to handle a baby being thrown into the mix without resorting to his messed up coping mechanisms that got him here in the first place. It also doesn't sound like he wants another child. It sounds like he realizes how you have all the power after his infidelity and he wants to appease you in order to keep the marriage. He isn't thinking through the consequences and what more he would need to do before the baby arrives to fix himself at all probably because he's not even far enough along to realize the issues he has and needs to fix.

If you would be happy to have a new child and feel ambivalent about keeping your WH, go for it. But if you absolutely do not want to risk another DDay or failed R and be stuck with a baby or young child during D, you should probably address this in IC and handle your feelings vs what you know is the right choice for you.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 7:55 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

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