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Gottagetthrough posted 12/4/2019 10:07 AM

Do EAs usually turn to physical affairs? What if Wh isn’t attracted to ow? Wh has been doing a lot of self improvement (propecia, losing weight, Etc... which is what he did when he had his first affair.

Also, how do you handle a work affair? He met his first ow at work but she worked in a different division so there wasn’t constant contact. This ow, they have offices next to each other, there is no way they can have no contact.

When I first found out about the EA (affair 2, dday was a week ago) Wh said he was quitting and getting a new job. Now he’s back tracked (I think he was embarrassed that I brought up something when I contacted ow initially. I had first thought ow was innocent and Wh had drunkenly told her he loves her... Wh had stolen my phone and texted her (as me) that he was drunk, forgive him, he was being stupid... I told ow that was not me and Wh had taken my phone without me knowing and texted her that as me

Since then I’ve found other texts where ow crossed the line, too

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 10:10 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

tushnurse posted 12/4/2019 10:41 AM

Gotta honey - I know you are struggling right now, but you have been here for quite some time.

You know that if the opportunity is there most WS's take it. If I had to put money on it, yes your H has taken this physical, or will.
NC is not possible if they work together, so one of them has to go. Or you draw a line the sand and stick to it. He is a WS, that has done no real work that uses his mental health issues as excuses to not do the work, and he has a lot of unhealthy coping skills.

You deserve better, and more from a partner, but only you can demand it.

Dismayed2012 posted 12/4/2019 10:49 AM

EA's are the gateway to physical affairs. Men only engage in the initial EA because they want the following PA. It's a rare day that an EA didn't progress to a PA. Looks don't matter as much when you're looking ahead to sex. Attraction increases with communication. It also sounds like he's a serial cheater; that's a problem. There is always hope regardless of your situation. You would do well to decide what you want your life to look like in 5 years or so. Do what's necessary to move in that direction. Your husband has issues. IC can help if he values your relationship enough to change his behavior. Him setting up mental boundaries would be a good start. Monitoring someone else's behavior is a miserable way to live. Communication and openness with you are the best things he can implement right now. If he cares, he'll change. I wish the best for you.

Evertrying posted 12/4/2019 12:10 PM

My H's A started out as an EA. His COW cried on his shoulder about how shitty her marriage and life was and my H reciprocated. Two gigantic pieces of shit joining forces to become the biggest turd pile known to man,,,,,

It took a year but eventually in turned into full blown A fully equipped with "I WUV YOU'S"

Honestly? I don't know many that don't end up physical. Sometimes attraction has nothing to do with it. I had a horrible male friend tell me one time that fucking an ugly chick is fine as long as no knows,,,,,

cocoplus5nuts posted 12/4/2019 12:17 PM

Does it really matter that much? He cheated. You know it.

Men only engage in the initial EA because they want the following PA.

Not always with every man.

MamaDragon posted 12/4/2019 12:28 PM

I've known maybe two that never progressed but I think that was bc the spouse caught them before it could.

I *think* my FWH's A started as an EA - it progressed rapidly to a PA that to this day he denies.

Gottagetthrough posted 12/4/2019 13:51 PM

Wh connected with this woman bc they both have depression and anxiety. He told her he has bipolar and he never tells anyone that/. I said he was getting too close to her and he said if he’d wanted to screw her he wouldn’t not tell her about the bipolar because that makes him less desirable

Rideitout posted 12/4/2019 14:00 PM

It's very rare that an EA that involves physical proximity doesn't go PA. It does happen, but it's rare. There's a saying in affair circles, "If they were alone, they had sex" that, sadly, is more often true than not.

humantrampoline posted 12/4/2019 14:01 PM

But Gottagethrough, isn't a more pertinent question whether his behavior is acceptable to you in marriage? Regardless of any physical contact past or present, you are not comfortable with his texting or his drunken ILY or him taking your phone and texting her as you or him continuing to work with her. He doesn't seem to care what you think.
It's not ok. None of it. Don't accept it.

Gottagetthrough posted 12/4/2019 14:21 PM

The last affair he was dealing with getting sober and straightening out his meds for bipolar. So we did go to counseling, but maybe there was work left undone.

What should I require him to do now ?

I don’t see making him change jobs as he would only do this again.

I have contacted my old attorney about a post nuptial agreement. I’d like to get that in hand before anything else is done.

tushnurse posted 12/4/2019 14:46 PM

Gotta - so what I hear you saying is he will cheat again so why do anything about it.

Why stay?
Other than financial stability what is he giving you?

He doesn't really help you at all. Making you drive 2 hours when you were less than a week out from a Csection is abusive.
He pretty much uses his mental health issues as excuses for his shitty boundaries and crappy behaviors.

Real remorse and real work means they will do anything and everything they can to help you heal and support you in whatever way they can. Is he doing that? It seems he did the minimum previously and now is right back to getting his ego kibbles elsewhere while you are busy taking care of an infant and your other kids, and your household.

I don't mean to sound mean but honey life can be so much better. All you have to do is decide you don't want to tolerate this.
Also please let your OB/GYN know that you suspect he has been up to no good, and ask for testing for yourself. Ask if your new baby needs any testing as well.

humantrampoline posted 12/4/2019 14:46 PM

Ok. I understand where you're coming from a little better.

I would talk to your attorney about the house situation too. What would probably work in my state would be for you and your relatives to sign a simple monthly lease. Money may have to be exchanged for it to be binding. That would at least give an end date. If necessary, your relatives can have all of you leave at the end of any month, and you can move back in without WS.

You have sobriety and treatment for bipolar as two other requirements. At a minimum, he has to realize his behavior is unacceptable and wrong to change. You think this might happen if he gets healthy. You can detach, work on yourself and watch.

Justgetitoverwith posted 12/4/2019 15:36 PM

Unfortunately, I totally agree that EA is a gateway to PA. In my case, WSs EA went on a very long time (years?) at a low level as friends, nothing I know that was overtly sexual (but I didn't see them together as friends without me there, so who knows?), but as soon as there was an opportunity, he was in there. No consideration of me, no period of doubt. Just in there like a dog.

nekonamida posted 12/4/2019 16:01 PM

GGT, you have a much better chance of R if he is not still around this OW every day. He carried on an EA right in front of you! He rubbed it in your face by trying to make her the God parent of your child! Where are your bitch boots? Where is your anger?

What happened to him leaving if he wouldn't give her up? He backpedaled. He's not giving her up. And now you're backpedaling too? Hell no! It's you or her and he just made his choice. He's not going to uphold your agreement so he has to go.

ShutterHappy posted 12/4/2019 16:11 PM

Do EAs usually turn to physical affairs?

Why does it matter?

He cheated on you and is cheating on you again.

What should I require him to do now ?

Ask him to sign the divorce papers!

Gently... you can’t live like that for the rest of your life... take care of yourself!

Marie2792 posted 12/4/2019 18:10 PM

My husband didn’t have any EA’s so I’m not qualified for that question. But I just wanted to ask you what value are you getting from this man? The other day you posted about suggestions to get him to leave your home which your relative owns. Before that, he made you drive 2 hours post csection alone. He may have bipolar disorder, but I know many people with it that control it with their medication and therapy. He shouldn’t be seeking coworkers or other women to share his problems with when he has a lovely, intelligent beautiful wife at home.

You deserve better. Take it for yourself.

Gottagetthrough posted 12/4/2019 19:45 PM

He shouldn’t be seeking coworkers or other women to share his problems with when he has a lovely, intelligent beautiful wife at home.

Thank you. I am feeling very plain and boring these days.

I would like to reconcile because I love my Wh. He’s funny and smart and we’ve been through a lot together in 21 years. He was my college boyfriend. I’ve never been with anyone else.

I’ve also been through the process of divorce. We never finalized it but were close. It was hell. I don’t want to give my month old baby to him every other weekend. When we were separated I thought, “damnit! The good things of marriage were gone and the crappy stuff that gave us problems was still there. He’s in my life wether I like it or not.

Those who’ve said where do I want to be in 5 years or I don’t want to live my life like this are right.
I don’t want to be worried about him and cheating. In 5 years I want to be going back to school to get my PhD that I put on hold when I had kids and i want to have traveled some, made great memories with my kids.

I don’t have any goals for Wh and me, though. I don’t think about our relationship that far ahead .

I’m sad and confused and tired. I told my friend that I’m waiting until after Christmas to make any huge decisions. Right now I think employing the 180 is my best option. I have a few small things that I want to do for me to get “me” back. (Hair done, Lose weight, go on a small trip that I’ve wanted to go on for a while...)

I am meeting with my old attorney for a post nuptial agreement

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 7:47 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

Buster123 posted 12/5/2019 00:14 AM

Also, how do you handle a work affair? He met his first ow at work but she worked in a different division so there wasn’t constant contact. This ow, they have offices next to each other, there is no way they can have no contact.

By telling him to quit and find another job and/or exposing the A with HR (one of them or both will most likely get fired).

But then again, serial cheater, compulsive liar, lack of integrity and honesty, puts your health both physical and emotional at risk, etc., this just based on what you posted, you deserve so much better than a proven serial cheater and a liar, instead I suggest you talk to your old attorney and file for D and let it run its course this time until the ink is dry, and don't forget to get tested for STDs, believe it or not there are funnier and honest people out there, life's too short.

Gottagetthrough posted 12/5/2019 02:37 AM

I’ll be honest- I don’t feel like anyone is going to care about text messages. HR won’t fire them , and i did tell one person I was thinking of divorce over the texts and they said, “gotta, he’s done so many worse things than this, and you never divorced him... “

That person also said think of life without him. Would it be easier or harder. I think it would be harder . If we just had the older kids that’s one thing but being divorced and chained to this guy fr 18’years because we have a month old baby is scary. He’s vindictive, and would try to get back at me. By that I mean he’d get custody hen he didn’t want it (he did that 10 years ago, and would pick up the kids then drop them with a baby sitter while he and OW went out)

He also told me very sternly that we were not divorcing when I talked to him a week ago.

humantrampoline posted 12/5/2019 04:03 AM

Gotta,

You wrote this last.

He also told me very sternly that we were not divorcing when I talked to him a week ago.

That is wrong. You know it. I know you are tired. Most of us involved in this crap dont wake up and look in the mirror and see a sparklberry glitter princess most mornings. It sucks.

You can take it a step at a time and do what is in your power. You can get the house situation under yo ur control. You're living in your relatives' house.

And take your friend's question and substitute better for easier. Will your life be better? Maybe harder for a while, but better.