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humantrampoline posted 12/5/2019 04:22 AM

Gotta,

You wrote this last.

He also told me very sternly that we were not divorcing when I talked to him a week ago.

That is wrong. You know it. I know you are tired. Most of us involved in this crap dont wake up and look in the mirror and see a sparklberry glitter princess most mornings. It sucks.

You can take it a step at a time and do what is in your power. You can get the house situation under yo ur control. You're living in your relatives' house.

And take your friend's question and substitute better for easier. Will your life be better? Maybe harder for a while, but better.

nekonamida posted 12/5/2019 07:53 AM

“gotta, he’s done so many worse things than this, and you never divorced him... “

Wow. I'm sorry but this friend can't see through their own personal issues to support you in this. Just because you chose not to D before DOES NOT mean that you are stuck with him forever or obligated not to D just because he did something less worse. That is coD behavior talking and it's not helpful for anyone.

GGT, this man is abusive. He's cruel. He's vindictive. He doesn't respect you and cares very little for your well being and your children's well being. That doesn't change just because you stay married to him and I hope you see that given this whole COW saga and how he kept twisting the knife behind the scenes even during R. He will find new ways to hurt you and make you think you are overreacting after this COW thing blows over. He has always been this person and he isn't doing enough to change nor does he really want to because he's STILL waiting till the last possible minute to act, STILL backpedaling on dealing with COW, and STILL threatening you when D is brought up. He has revealed himself to be the exact same man who cheated with the last OW who has done little if any work on himself since.

You are clearly terrified of what he will do during D but here's the thing - the courts can handle him. They can choose to give him less custody if you demonstrate that he is handing the kids off to someone else. They WILL NOT give him any significant custody of your baby while they are still so young. All of your fears can be addressed and ironed out. Please see a lawyer and get information. If YOUR LAWYER really does think you are at risk, THEN it's okay to consider making a deal with the devil but right now you are acting out fear when you want to be acting out of strength.

His behavior is also going to be happening at a distance. Sure, he can find ways to dredge things up on occasion, but there are so SO many resources available to you as a divorced woman to mitigate that. Third parties to mediate. Parenting apps to make it so you don't have to interact with him all the time. The courts to smack him down when he vindictive actions hurt your kids or he crosses lines of harassment. Hell, you can simply IGNORE him when it's not about kids whenever he calls or texts. You can control how much involvement and space he takes up in your life. But if you stay married, you don't get that control because he's right in front of you every single day. He knows your buttons and how to push them to get a response. He will work at you until he gets what he is looking for and clearly that's some form of misery because of how blatantly he breaks your boundaries and drives you insane.

Given everything that has happened, I don't know how you can afford to stay long term. Your emotional well being depends on it. Your physical well being depends on it. Your happiness depends on it. And your kid's well being and happiness depends on yours. It only seems easier because you know the transition would be hell for a while but by staying, you're signing up for Hell Lite for the rest of your life and that's elongating your suffering. There's nothing easy about having to live with your WH day in and day out because he doesn't allow it to be that way.