Dear SI Community,
I received word that MMS cannot access OhFor’s account to make a post to this community as she promised OhFor she would after his death. While she can of course create her own account, I think the fresh blows of early grief make that more than she can handle at the moment. So she asked me to convey this message for her. I considered editing out OhFor’s true first name, to protect his anonymity, but concluded that was not my decision to make, and MMS’ willlingness to share that is part of her tribute to him. Saying a lost loved-one’s name is part of the grieving and remembrance process, I think.
MMS, you are most welcome here and will find a trove of good memories of OhFor that many will share. Thank you for reaching out to us.
“I am MMS.
I am going to need to ask the administrators to help me out with this. I hope that they are able to.
I finally felt strong enough today to keep a promise made. I had carefully prepared what I was going to say. Before I did I wanted to get a feel for the site. I read a bit and needed to change it all. When I tried to use the login credentials John had given me, his account had been locked. So I turned to the friend. Now I don't know if I will be still able to keep my promise, but at least you will know how thankful we are
As I understand it, those of you on this site who know our story, know me as MMS. I am John's new wife.
I can't bring myself to say Widow. I don't think I ever will. When you have been loved by, and allowed love, a man like John, that love will sustain you through eternity. I am forever John's wife.
I was so scared to do this. John always called SI his safe place. I respected that. When he asked me to promise to do this I had no idea what to expect. I wrote what I wanted to say and kept rereading and rewriting. I can't use any of that. I was scared it would be a hostile place of people in anguish, lashing out. I don't know why but I was sure that I would be judged I kept putting it off. Instead, I have found a place of love and compassion.
My purpose here was to say 3 specific thank you's. One on behalf of John, and then two from me. Now I need to say 4.
I was going to open with saying that I didn't have John's gift with words and that I wished I had, I so wanted to describe for you what his unique ability and capacity for love was like but it would be impossible for me. I see that you already knew.
I was so scared about posting here so when I finally got the courage I wanted to get a feel for the site. I knew that John had posted something about our engagement and some of the adventures. I looked for his post on the engagement and found that in NB. It was more than I had hoped for. It was beautiful, and brought back some lovely memories. I wish that I could have found his original "engaged" posts. I would love to have seen how he had described those.
I have spent most of the morning sobbing.
I am sorry if this is all over the place. I had such a carefully written out message.
They were not sad sobs. No, they were. They were deeply sad, but they were also deeply grateful. To him, to you, to the universe. Thank you so, to each of you who wrote something in that thread.
I was especially touched by what Nightowl and ManishsDad wrote. Thank you so much. Whenever we adventured to a special place we all knew that we would have to plan time for finding and posting a card to "his brave young inspiration". It had to be a special place to qualify for a card. Thank you for sharing with me just how much him taking the time and making the effort meant to you and your daughter. When I am strong enough, and when I think that the children are strong enough to hear that, I am going to share that with them, and this time you can know that the effort made, and the time taken for you to share that, will bring much comfort to grieving little hearts.
At the end of that thread I saw the reference to the thread in General. Thank you Odonna. I think that you might be the wise and caring woman who I only know of by her real name, not her screen name, and if that is you, I have so much I need to thank you for. not least of which was doing my research and getting my ducks in a row so that we could pull off the wedding, at short notice, in a hospital.
Then came the sobbing all over again. I found and read the thread in general.
The warmth. The longing. The slight feeling of jealously. I only now realised that you got to see so much of him, well before I was allowed into his life. I wish that there was some way that I could get to read the things he shared with you. But then, I got to love and touch and hear and experience him. I cannot really have any jealously. Also, you helped him through one of his two big challenges of these last few years, when I was not able to. I still feel a little envy though.
Thank you to each of you who wrote something in that thread. I intend to use each of the posts in a special way. Since being given his diagnosis, John started to use our Friday night suppers to do something rather special for us. The children and I. He began to compile an oral history. He retold some of his life experiences that the children had heard before, but I had not. As well as some incredible ones that he had never shared with anyone. We all got to know the man that was in our lives, far better than we ever had. Friday night suppers now have been sad and all about consoling. When I see that the time is right, I again change the tone of the Friday night suppers. I will go back to enriching his oral history. I will add to the oral history by reading in for the children, what you have shared.
The children will be home soon. I need to compose myself. Try and clear away the evidence of the sobbing. I have not even gotten to one of the 3 thank yous I came on to express. At least I have dealt with the fourth.
I don't know when I will be able to come back on to deal with the still outstanding ones. I might need to make sure that my sobbing reservoir is empty before I do. But I made a promise to John, so I will be back.
Again, thank you from a heart feeling a deeper gratitude than you have ever experienced before.
[This message edited by Odonna at 11:32 AM, December 14th (Saturday)]