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A Message from Ohforanewme’s Bride

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Simplicity posted 12/15/2019 11:41 AM

Oh dear, this was truly a tear jerker. I had adopted him on SI as my South African uncle, and somehow just knowing his real name made my heart swell. I can only give Mrs. John/OhForANewMe my condolences and I want her to know he was a very special person here, and it seems weird to say so of someone you never met in person, but j miss his presence here very much.

Wintergarden posted 12/15/2019 12:04 PM

I couldn't read this yesterday, it made me so sad so I read it today and can only say thank you Mrs John for reaching out to deliver yours and your lovely man's words and thoughts to us all at such a sad time. You have been blessed to have loved and been loved by such a special man.

DesertLily posted 12/15/2019 12:10 PM

I have no words of comfort. I can only say that he was a blessing to so many, and he will be missed terribly.

I'm sending you my love through the ether, Mrs. John.

Cephastion posted 12/15/2019 13:29 PM

My grief is just too great. I wanted so much to share more but...

My mom...

And Deeply Scared...

And so much loss of good loving passionate people...

I miss his passionately flaming, caring, honest, outreaching heart so much...and I couldn't even bear to see it flicker and go dim.

Please know that my relative silence was only due to my own weakness of soul.

I guess I didn't have the courage that he had in abundance.

I so wish that I could have known him IRL, Mrs. John. A great honor to me is that he even seemed to feel that way about me, as well. At least you got that privilege. Thank you for making him a happy man. He richly deserved to be happy.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 1:43 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]

paboy posted 12/15/2019 14:44 PM

Sorry for our loss. May Our Father in Heaven bless and comfort you and your family.

Arohanui

Dorothy123 posted 12/15/2019 19:36 PM

This is heart breaking.

I'm so sorry.

Many hugs sent your direction.

JanetS posted 12/15/2019 20:00 PM

Thank you so much for coming here and letting us know a bit about how you are doing. As you already clearly know, your guy touched the hearts of many people here on this board.

One thing you may not know is that the founders of this site are a couple who have both experienced infidelity. They started this up, and touched many people. The founding "wife" passed away, a few years ago, on Christmas Day. A lot of hearts broke that day.

And a lot of hearts broke when you lost your John. A good heart and an amazing spirit shone through his words, and he comforted many. It's as if his words had arms, and they reached out to hug many. His caring was pure. I'm glad that he got to experience strong love again in life, after his first marriage broke up. You put a light back into his life. Thank you.

So, I am going to share with you a project that my daughter did for my Mom, before she passed away. She had cancer, so we knew for awhile that we didn't have her for much longer. My daughter came and spent those last month's at my home, where Mom had come to stay. Mom and my daughter talked over tea for hours and hours. My mother had a rich history. As a 17 year old, in London England, she worked for the war effort. Her offices were bombed and she was then sent to Kensington Palace. Her stories (both funny and sad) were recorded by my daughter on paper. My Mom met my Dad, a Canadian soldier, during the war.

When she passed my daughter put Mom's history into chapters, collected a lot of photos, and did a self-published book "The Memories of XX". There are many online sites which will put it all in a hard-covered book. It was just for family, not something to sell. But I certainly bought many copies, so the family, and extended family, all got copies.

It's always on my coffee table, and visiting friends browse through it. It sparks conversations and seems to bring my mother back to life.

So, I was thinking, once your kids are up to it, maybe they could embark on a project such as this. All of their favourite memories of their Dad. Your story of how you met, and the adventures that you had. Words from those who John had helped along the way.

Believe me, even though sometimes it still brings me to tears, mostly it just fills me with joy to have had such a wonderful mother.

Just wanted to share that. And, again thank you. I know it wasn't easy for you.

Blessings
Janet

[This message edited by JanetS at 8:01 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]

Cooley2here posted 12/16/2019 08:33 AM

Mrs. Ohfor, I used songs to try to cheer him up. As you can see he gave so much more than he got. This is a pretty cynical group sometimes and yet he had the ability to bring out the best in us, complete strangers. Please tell his children that in the end thoughtfulness, kindness and love is what he spread all over the world from his home in South Africa. That’s a special gift and we all so much appreciate it and miss him because he became our family.

CharliB posted 12/16/2019 09:54 AM

Thank you for conveying this message, MMS. John is greatly missed and please know that his love for you has shone clearly in all his messages.

northeasternarea posted 12/16/2019 10:27 AM

My sincere condolences to Mrs. Ofor.

josiep posted 12/16/2019 12:57 PM

I've been longing for a message from John's bride but now that it's here, I can't respond. I don't have the strength, I miss him so much.

But I will one day soon. Just know that I count him as a dear friend and one of the finest men I've ever known, even though we never got to actually meet. He was a phenomenal man.

Newlease posted 12/16/2019 13:25 PM

I can't add much to what has already been said. Thank you so much for coming here and sharing. John was an extraordinary man with a gift of language that brought us all into his world.

Sending strength and peace to you and the family.

NL

freetogonow posted 12/16/2019 22:41 PM

I am SO sorry to hear of John's passing.

He was one of the kindest people on this entire site. He always had something uplifting to say, something encouraging.

I'm so sorry for your loss. May his memory be a blessing.

Odonna posted 12/17/2019 15:11 PM

MMS:

I hope you are reading here, and feel how welcome you are to post here on your own.

I was a "lurker" on this site for several years, never really posting but a few times, until John came on the scene. He was so introspective, so willing to change and grow for himself and his kids, and also wicked smart and funny! Every now and then, when I felt I had something to say that was different from the rest of the very good advice he was getting, I would post.

But I never had enough posts to initiate private messages, so it was all on the board. Then one day I realized I had a private message! It had been there several days before I saw it. It was from John, and extremely nice. We became pen-pals, I suppose, and as his relationship with you grew, I became something of a sounding board for him when he was second-guessing himself. For such an accomplished man, he had some deep-seated insecurity at times! But in his usual introspective way he just pushed on ahead.

Just when his life was thoroughly blooming, he got the neck-lump news, followed by a harsh diagnosis. We just continued talking and weaving all that into the conversation. He was always so concerned for you and Sunshine, as well as his 2PP. His whole life revolved around all of you. Yet he made time still for me and for his other SI friends.

He was a very good friend - my highest compliment.

squid posted 12/18/2019 13:42 PM

Dear Mrs. John,

I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot express how sad I am for you but can only offer a bit of inspiration that you could have experienced such love with John, however brief.

I have no idea why John took a liking to me, but he was a regular poster on my threads, and I on his. His eloquence and his character are what always struck me the most - so encouraging and ever optimistic, even in the face of dark challenges.

I cannot believe how much the loss of a person I have never met would affect me. But I miss him so much. Now, when I post new threads, there is a sadness that John won't be there to offer his advice and hope. He may have just been a cyber-friend. But the loss I feel is real.

Thank you so much for honoring John's wish. He was such a presence in this community. I hope to hear more from you.

Prayers to you and Sunshine and John's 2PP.

Love,
squid

Odonna posted 12/26/2019 06:36 AM

Christmas is just ending in your part of the world MMS, and I hope you were able to find some joy in it with the kids at the lodge. You have been in my thoughts this day.

Sunny69 posted 12/26/2019 08:51 AM

Can you let ohforanewme's bride know that if she searches his user name and the words 'surviving infidelity' in google search bar most of the messages he has posted will be there.

Ohforanewme surviving infidelity

I'm sure in time access to these messages will bring her great comfort reaffirming what a wonderful man he was.

Odonna posted 1/3/2020 11:28 AM

MMS, I know that New Year’s Day was your birthday. I am sorry to be late posting, but I hope the day was spent basking in the love of those both present and absent. John would have made sure to make your day special, and knowing him, I would not be one bit surprised if he planned ahead to make sure you felt his tremendous love for you on your day even in his absence.

You are a very special woman, and deserve all the love and happiness that will be yours. Grief endures, but it changes over time, and happiness will find you again.

ManishsDad posted 1/13/2020 08:28 AM

Happy belated birthday Mrs. John Ohforanewme. I hope that even in your grief with your husband’s loss that you were able to take a moment and celebrate the gift that is your life, Sunshine, and your two stepchildren who love you.

You and your family continue to be in our prayers. John is on a different adventure now, but he will not be forgotten. And neither will you.

Nothing Gold Can Stay
Robert Frost

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf,
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay.

(Fortunately, MMS/Mrs. John, we retain the memories of those golden rays that warmed our face and broadened our smile.)

Odonna posted 1/28/2020 11:31 AM

MMS wanted to finish her thanks to the SI community. Here it is:

Dear SI community

In my last message that was kindly posted on SI on my behalf, I mentioned that John had asked me to pass on his thanks, and that there were then 2 that I wanted to add to that.

John felt that SI and so many of you, had played a direct role in helping him out of his "pit of suicidal sadness" and then stayed with him on the path, all the way to his discovery of incredible happiness. He wanted you to know how much he appreciated this. When he made me promise to do this, he wanted you to know how much he meant it began to make a list of all the folk he wanted me to individually thank. He was just about to begin on the third page of the list when he took all the pages and scrumpled them up and threw them in the bin. He realised that if he listed all the names of the the folk that had each played a meaningful role in his journey he would be asking me to subject you all to the torture of reading through an equivalent of the "boring Biblical begats". His words. More than this, he realised that it was not just those who had contributed to his threads who had helped him on his journey. Also, not only those whose threads he had contributed to. He realised that in so many cases, he had learnt and been supported by many whose threads he just read, and never participated in. And even some who had only ever made a single comment somewhere on the site. So his sincere thanks go to all of you who participate on the site.

He did ask me to offer specific thanks to just a few. He asked me to thank Mrs Life, Hikingout and ff. He said that from you he learned that there is always hope of redemption, even when it may sometimes seem hopeless, and then, more importantly, the role of humility in achieving this. He said it was an aspect sorely lacking in his personality and when he had learned from you how to nurture and grow it in himself, he began to like the man he became, far more than he had.

He then asked me to thank MangledHeart and Walloped. He said that he saw in you, a capacity for grace and an ability of a human to display an unconditional love, that he had not thought humans to be capable of. He didn't think that these were attributes that he would ever be capable of, but he said that at least he would set it as his life goal, to never stop working at it.

In the message that I had planned to to send, as one of my thanks, I was then going to name a few people who I knew had brought a special smile to John at a time when he needed it, or gave him a giggle, or expressed something that he had been feeling but was battling to pin down. But after I then read on the site, I realised that I had better not name my specific names. You see, I am pretty sure that I got the names that John had mentioned to me a little wrong. For example, I had on my list; Chalie Brown, Calimari, Bleep, Bi Bi, El Jay, Superman and the Amazing Wonder Woman, Rancher, and Josie and the Kid (my mom was a Kris Kristoferson fan) and Green Eyed Girl. After reaading a bit, I have my idea of what the names should actually have been, but I will leave it as a bit of a challenge for you to see if you can identify them. Let me rather just say a collective thanks to all the folk in D/S. I think most of those I wanted to thank post or lend support, mainly there.

And then my most important thanks are to some folk who I have never known the names of, or how to find our who you are. You are the folk who, as I understand it, gave John the coaching he needed to be brave enough to even just have coffee with me, at a time when he had declared to you and all the world that he was going to make the children and his nurture of them, his only mission. To whoever you are, THANK YOU A MILLION TIMES.

Thank you also to the person who told me where to find the original "Engaged" thread. I found it and loved it.

Also to the person who has suggested a possible way for me to find more posts of John's.

Then too, someone inquired after the children. John was one of those people who meaningfully fill a far greater sphere of influence than most. His loss is being felt over a much great number of areas than anyone had ever imagined. In the school leadership, at his Alma Mater, in his professional bodies, in the community, especially by widows and orphans. And being the dad he was, the sense of loss is acute. But the kids and I seem to be muddling through, and finding our way better than we though we would. We were gifted 2 at first unrecognised gifts, that at first I though would be agrgravators. Firstly, when John past, all 3 of the children were in the middle of exam season. For our eldest, they were possibly the most important that she will write in her life. Her school leaving exams. For John's son, they were nearly as important. His last in Primary school. Laying the foundation for his high school career. I thought that the children would have their futures ruined by losing their dad at this crucial time. They instead, chose to focus hard on the exams and divert their thoughts from their pain. They only gave themselves the opportunity to grieve once they had finished writing all exams and by then we had already gotten better at consoling each other and had some understanding of how to support each other.

The other things is, as terrible as cancer is, it also brings some hidden gifts. It gives you warning. It allows you to begin your grieving while you still can express love and thanks, and make sure that you can say everything to your loved one that you so want them to know. Looking back, I can see that all of us, to some extent, began our grief process some time back. Sunshine seemed to get this more right than the rest of us. She went through her denial and then anger phase when she could express it to John. She let him know just how much a rat she thought him to be. And then she allowed herself and him piece together a whole album of happy memories that will keep him alive in her life for the rest of her life. The trip that John did with our eldest towards the end of last year, provided something similar for her. I think that for most of us, we feel great honour when we get to give back to our parents, when we get the opportunity to care for them in their later years. The trip gave her the opportunity to do this for her dad.

The one that I am most worried about is John's son. He seems to be trying to take on the role of "man and protector of the home", for 2 households. Ours, and his mom's. Also, he is now the lone male, surrounded by so many women. I am not sure if John told you that he brought in the help of an Au pair when his ex left the home. She just fitted brilliantly with the family and John has contracted with her to stay on until his son has completed his university studies. My mom moved up from Cape Town with me all those years ago when I, still pregnant, found out I had been cheated on and moved to Joburg. Early on, when John and I first began to embark on a relationship, my mom hit it off with J, the Au pair, and they became great friends. When John and I began to merge the 2 families, my mom moved into the flat with J. So it is the 2 of them, his 2 sisters, myself, and then his mom. When John passed, I then already, got all 3 of the kids into IC, but John's son never enjoyed it. Previously he had attended with his sister, but never on his own. What does seem to be helping is there is a chap who was left to be a single dad parent to his two boys when his wife ran off with her foreign diplomat boyfriend when the boyfriend got a different posting. This dad was a tremendous help to John and the kids, and especially John's son, at the time that John's wife had left the home. This dad is in himself a wonderful man. In so many ways like John, and I think that he will be a man that John's son will draw on at times when he needs the guidance of a man. I would possibly like for John's son to spend a little more time with this chap and his sons, but John's ex is sometimes difficult to coordinate this with. I suppose that she is grieving in her own way, and John's son becomes a way for her to still feel as if part of John is in her life.

I hope that I have addressed all items that I needed to. I know that some have suggested that I join the site as a member. I have decided not to become a more active participant in the site. I have explained my reasons to Odonna. I hope that you will be understanding.

I will read. I promise. And you now know that I keep my promises. I will, in particular, be on the lookout for good news to come into the lives of John's friends on the site and please know. that every time you post about your triumphs in life, I will be celebrating along with you.

Again, a very big thank you.

MMS

My own message to MMS is to feel no compunction to come here, especially if it brings up memories of past infidelities in your life and in John's. Your job -- and more importantly your "joy" -- in life is to enjoy every day and to continue to raise that passel of kids and pass along all the wonderful memories and life lessons from John. Peace to you, dear Lady.

Odonna

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