"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

HurtingHeartA posted 1/14/2020 10:51 AM

Today marks the one year anniversary of the day I found out about my husbands affair. I have so many emotions today. Just keep remembering the moment everything came to light that day and the hurt I felt. I can still feel it. While this past year has been an absolute rollercoaster I’m hopeful we are on the right path of a stronger marriage.

Curious as to where others were at on their one year anniversary. Still working on trusting him again. Some days are harder than others. The affair still comes up. Not as often as it use to, but it still does. I know every couple and situation is unique but wondering if there are certain ‘milestones’ we should have hit at this point.

Id love to hear others insight, Here’s to hoping and being positive that this year will be better than the past year.

[This message edited by HurtingHeartA at 10:55 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

Evertrying posted 1/14/2020 11:05 AM

Well we are 2 yrs and 4 months from dday so a little further along than you are.
We were still a mess after 12 months. It was better, but still had many bad days. It was about the 18 month mark when things changed and starting to feel almost normal again.
At two yrs we were well on our way to recovery. It takes a loooooooong time and doesn't happen over night, AND it was all about his actions and dedication to making it work.

thatbpguy posted 1/14/2020 11:39 AM

On our one year anniversary of false R, we had moved from the place I loved to be closer to her family so she could get some emotional support (I get that as they are a close knit group). I had forsaken my career job for a much lower paying, but important, federal job. She had finished up betrayal #2 and was embarking on betrayal #3 shortly.

numb&dumb posted 1/14/2020 11:50 AM

Hopeless, very angry. I made every excuse I could be to not be at home at the same time my W was.

When I was home I punished my W with indifference, passive aggressive comments or outright disdain.

It was also when I began to really want to get better. So much of year 1 is just surviving without losing your mind. Year 2 is when the realization of what actually happened creeps in. It is an important step on the path to acceptance, but still painful.

I am sorry. I would love to come here and tell you it got easier for me, but in some ways it was a lot harder in year 2. It is very important that you learn to take care of yourself in all aspects. That includes mentally and emotionally. See an IC if you can. I really wished I had used IC what it was intended for. I spent a lot of my time blaming my W for anything and everything that went wrong in my life. I did not really have the strength to focus on just me until well into year 2.

I also was drinking quite heavily.Please be kind to yourself. It helps sometimes, but can become a crutch. Be wary of crutches we all use to take a break from the hurt. Find healthy ways to do that.

Congrats on making it this far. It is important to compare yourself today versus a year ago. See the difference and let that help you see an even better year 3 : )

Gunnut posted 1/14/2020 13:12 PM

At the one year mark I was still in shock. The anniversary of DD and a year of thinking,” A year ago during birthdays, Easter, vacations, etc...”, she had a boyfriend, really took a toll on me. About 9-18 months were the hardest, the shock and anger was wearing off and the sadness really set in. I’m just past 2 years and I feel really blah.

sisoon posted 1/14/2020 13:45 PM

I was a wreck on 12/21/11. I felt pretty good on 12/22. I actually told myself that I had processed the pain out of my body, and any pain I thought I felt from then on was false pain.

This started a downward spiral that last 6-8 weeks. Once I let the pain in again, my life got better.

I pretty much thought that my W had come clean and that I knew everything I needed to know about the A. (That turned out to be true.) I was on a path of R without forgiving. Trust was getting rebuilt; in fact, IIRC, I think I was asking myself why I didn't trust her yet, given the work she did. (At 2.5 years out, I brought up lack of trust as an issue in MC, and our C shut me down - 'It's too early,' she said, so trust at a year is way too early.)

One issue that kept coming up was that we each was afraid that the other would leave. We couldn't communicate to each other that we were in fact committed to R.

fooled13years posted 1/14/2020 13:48 PM

HurtingHeartA, I moved on so I won't share with you where I was at a year out as it really wouldn't help you.

I am no expert on R but, based on everything I have read, it appears as though you are about where you should be at 1 year out. May be even a little bit further along than some.

If R is your end goal then I wish you strength and peace.

Marie2792 posted 1/14/2020 18:21 PM

I try not to give importance to the day I discovered the affair because that seems like a contradiction. But at about the one year mark reality seeps in and the worry and anger is repacked with anxiety and fear of doing the hard work ahead. If you’ve experienced HB it’s probably dwindled now and on top of every day life situations, you’re left with the daunting task of rebuilding your marriage with someone you probably aren’t able to trust again quite yet.

It’s scary. You will ride the waves of emotion same as year one. Some wayward don’t want to discuss the infidelity anymore at that point but there will still be questions. I have some still and I’m past year 5 mark. It’s not easy to reconcile. Both parties have to really want it .

CaptainRogers posted 1/14/2020 20:38 PM

At 12 months, I was still being lied to about what actually happened. At 14 months, I found evidence that MUCH more happened than was ever admitted. That led to more investigation on my part, another 6-7 months of TT, and eventually some sort of real R process began.

At 36 months...it is better. But there was a whole lot of crap between months 12 and 36.

Unhinged posted 1/14/2020 22:51 PM

...wondering if there are certain ‘milestones’ we should have hit at this point.

"Should" is not a word that I used very often these days. People "shouldn't" do things just because they "should" do them. I didn't do the dishes tonight because I "should" do them. I made a choice to avoid my FWW's exasperation with me not doing the dishes. Conflict avoidance at it's finest!

You've made it through the first year. That's a milestone all by itself. Some couples don't make it that far. Some couples don't make it through the second year (or ever). Much of that, of course, depends upon the WS.

All of that being said, by the time that first antiversary came around I was starting to feel as if I'd recovered from the shock of it all. I was well prepared for the day by SI members and while it hurt, I was able to sail through with relative ease.

Shortly after that, my old friend anger stopped by for a visit and decided to stick around for a few months. I supposed that first antiversary made me realize that I'd just lost a year of my life to... well, all sorts of shit.

Having been on SI for about 10 months at that point, I also knew that I had another few fucking years to go, which only added fuel to the growing blaze of righteous indignation and divine wrath. (okay, that's a bit much, but you get the idea).

While this past year has been an absolute rollercoaster I’m hopeful we are on the right path of a stronger marriage.

HurtingHeartA, this is just my own two cents here. Don't worry about your marriage right now. The strength or weakness of your marriage had absolutely nothing to do with why your WH chose infidelity as a way to deal with his own personal issues. No matter what you do or how hard you try to strengthen your marriage, nothing will change unless your WH is willing and able to own and fix his shit. Few, if any, WSs can do that in a year.

Step-back and detach from your WH. Watch and observe what he does with the opportunity, the gift, that you've given to him. Find your own happiness and peace of mind, body and spirt, for no one can do these things for you. If your WH is able to figure out why he chose to blow-up his life and the lives of those around him, he may become a safe partner and a good candidate for reconciliation.

Above all, be gentle with yourself. Remember, it's a marathon, not a sprint.

Mydreamgirl posted 1/14/2020 23:16 PM

We were still a mess on 3/ 2/ 2019.
He, of course, had no idea it was one year post D-day.
When I informed him, he threw it back in my face telling me it was more of “your game” and that I was trying to manipulate him. Our wedding anniversary is/was 3/29 and I was already flooded with feelings about that date’s arrival- he threw that in my face as well and accused me of using anything I could to make him feel bad.
He has been out of the family home since 10/2018 and has done no work that shows he is a candidate for reconciliation. He gets angry at me if I remind him he agreed to find an counselor to help us communicate. He refuses to give me a written timeline, he refuses transparency on phone and/or computer- but insists I accept “I am not seeing her, I’ll give you access whenever you ask for it”,
I’m sure there is more disrespect, minimizing, gaslighting, lying, and blame shifting that I can’t recall..... but I’m choosing to share my experience, my truth, and my pain so that when my 2 year anniversary from D-day hits, I have no excuse.
The depths of his selfishness and cruelty to me have been indescribable.
The only person who continues to fail me and disappoint me in this emotional fiasco is me. I had no idea that for nearly 2 years I would sacrifice myself and my own self worth for a man who didn’t think twice before throwing both myself and our 2 children under the bus because he “didn’t feel loved”.
Don’t be me.

Thumos posted 1/14/2020 23:40 PM

I think people here should be realistic. 1 year out I was an absolute wreck shattered on the rocks after a storm tossed my ship against them. 3 years out I’m slightly less of a wreck.

psychmom posted 1/15/2020 00:43 AM

One year after DDay I still was reeling and riding the emotional roller coaster at what felt like nearly full speed. But that may have been because it took my H nearly that long to finally give up the full truth of his affairs and what they meant to him. Once he "surrendered" the truth (his word), that's when I started to feel some change in me for the better. But it seriously took until about 3 years out for me to feel "normal" again. And now, 5 years out, I am essentially healed. Not "over it" but no longer consumed by the questions, rumination, pain of it all.

When I see "one year", I am taken back to a very painful and raw time. Each of our stories, like our marriages, is unique. But the shock of betrayal often takes longer than 1 year to subside to a significant degree. If you already feel somewhat more calm and "sane", then you're doing well, HurtingHeartA.

Be aware that for some of us, year 2 was a bit more challenging than year 1. For me, that was because once the shock wore off, disillusionment started to settle in during the second year. Each of us handles this in our own way, and your experience could be much different than my own.

The1stWife posted 1/15/2020 10:39 AM

At one year I was still thinking I was going to D him. Nit feeling like we were going to make it.

He was doing everything possible but the damage was horrific.

I was still crying often and had moments of pain due to his affairs and wanting a D (kicking me to the curb).

Oldwounds posted 1/15/2020 11:18 AM

I fell into the linear healing trap a bunch -- as in, it's been so many days/months now I SHOULD be feeling better.

Recovery from infidelity isn't very linear. Two steps forward, three steps back, one step forward, two back, etc.

I have a very positive mindset now, about me, and what my life needs to be to maintain it. But I don't think I fully processed all of the pain, anger and anxiety until just after two years.

I don't know about milestones, I'm not sure I recognized many of them along the way. However, if I had a good day, I tried to build on that. If my wife did something helpful for her or for us, I focused on that progress.

I learned it's so much easier to talk about letting go of the past than actually being able to do just that.

Be kind to you along the way.

Don't force it or hope for it, focus on you and rebuild your strength and understand you'll be fine, regardless of the outcome.

The relationship stuff - be it working on trust and/or getting vulnerable - that's kind of a different thing, it will happen with both people working toward it or not. That's why so many members talk about you healing you first.

whatisloveanyway posted 1/16/2020 10:01 AM

I’m with Captain Rogers. Over 2 years from initial discovery. One year today from the real truth. It’s still very raw and a daily problem for me. Incredibly distracting. We are at our most fragile and volatile now when I need to discuss my emotions and he just wants to move forward. I still have some repair work to get to a forward looking place. I’m still figuring out wtf happened and where I am. Looking forward is disorienting until I get a stable base in the now.

We are doing our best to keep talking, walking, cuddling, sharing. We are choosing each other even if it’s hard. And it is hard. I spiral when he travels and I am alone. I can spiral in the same room with him too. I’m trying to move past the insecurity and doubt. But I also think it’s ok that I take a long time to rebuild something fragile like trust after what mine has been subjected to.

I have been my worst version of myself at times and yet he is still here trying. I take comfort in that. I walk until my feet hurt on the bad days. I laugh and pay attention on the good days. I brace myself for the growth and recovery we have ahead. It’s a long haul.

[This message edited by whatisloveanyway at 10:02 AM, January 16th, 2020 (Thursday)]

W3IRZ posted 1/16/2020 18:20 PM

Actually at the one year mark, things were improved tremendously. I feel like at that point we were on the same page again. It was certainly a process leading up to that point. But one year was almost a relief. Like the worst was over. Please know that everyone’s timeline is different. Good luck to you.

IntoTheFray posted 1/18/2020 14:30 PM

Our DDays are only 9 days apart. While I handled the actual day pretty well, this past week afterwards has been rather difficult. I have been feeling very low and sad, thinking back on everything that happened during the affair and the year since. I wonder if this wasn't a dealbreaker after all, whether I will ever find acceptance. It is what it is though and I take one day at a time.

silrais posted 1/20/2020 13:14 PM

I'm only a couple months past the 1yr mark right now. Crying, anger, and triggers are still quite common. Not an hour goes by that the affairs aren't on my mind. On lighter days at work it's almost guaranteed my mind will fixate on what's happened and put me in a bad mood. Holidays, birthdays, etc are terrible.

She's doing a few things but none of it has really helped with rebuilding trust. I still think she's going to cheat again. I still don't think she's a safe partner. I still don't trust a word she says. I still constantly beat myself up over reconciling and can't decide if it'd be better to stay or go.

Basically, I'm still really foxed up about it. I just do a slightly better job at keeping it under control or putting a happy face on it.

FindingDory posted 1/20/2020 14:27 PM

Hi HHA,
Lordy, where to start. So much has happened in this last year. My last DD was almost exactly the same day as your's. We were doing pretty good most days, talking a lot, HB, etc. Then he had an emergency triple bypass in May. During this time I also found out that my breast cancer had returned. I had a double mastectomy w/reconstruction in August. So most of the rest of the year has been spent in surgeries and recoveries. We are both doing fine now, in fact I'm going to my last appointment tomorrow. I don't know if this was just perfect timing (ha) but our health issues for sure pushed this crap to the side. Kind of put the whole "life is short" in perspective, iykwim?

All that aside, the anniversary still blindsided me. I was grouchy and distant and didn't know why until it hit me. I was like "dang, has it only been a year ago?" It seems so long ago now. I sure hope you get through this and best of luck to you with your R. Trust is find and dandy, but it has to be earned and that takes time. Full transparency, and "trust but verify".