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cptprkchp posted 2/13/2020 05:33 AM

YOUR FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE?????

OH HELL NO!!

Like I said before, I am a fWW - I am also in the mental health profession and I think your counselor is a disgrace for saying that. While I do think that both parties in a marriage/relationship must take responsibility for their part in the marriage there is no way a BS should be told anything of the sort when dealing with their partner’s infidelity.

Here is how I explain it - when 2 people are in a relationship it’s like you are giving them a gun a trusting them not to shoot you. When a partner cheats it’s the same as shooting you. When a WS gets defensive I liken it to them getting mad at YOU because, yeah, they shot you but you shouldn’t have been standing there. Hey, if you weren’t right there in my way the bullet wouldn’t have it you. How insane does that sound????

Another example I use is a car accident - the BS is stopped at a red light, minding their own business and all of a sudden the WS rear-ends them. Hard. Are you going to tell the BS that it couldn’t possibly be your fault because you were texting or just not paying attention and that it’s their fault because they were out that day? Well, if you weren’t sitting there at that red light I wouldn’t have hit you. Fart = church.

In both scenarios I don’t see the BS being at fault nor are they the ones that should feel any type of way about doing what they need and expecting the offending party to AT THE VERY LEAST take responsibility for their actions. This is 100% on them. Any counselor that will say what yours did to you is basically telling you that if you weren’t standing there and if you weren’t out that day nothing bad would have happened.

Walloped posted 2/13/2020 05:55 AM

To be defensive, annoyed, or short when discussing their wayward behaviors? Basically—- having an attitude about it.

Ic feels that some level of defensiveness is to be expected and that I should take it as a sign as my failure to communicate rationally.

You already got a chorus of opinions going one way. You don’t need another. So at the risk of getting flamed I’m going to play devil’s advocate and ask a few questions.

Why is your IC saying this? What’s the background? How are you approaching your WS about Wayward behaviors? Can you provide examples of how you try and talk to your WS about the A and how your WS responds back? Are you yelling and screaming and calling names? All of that would be completely understandable, but it’s not conducive to anything constructive.

Ideally, your WS would be there to support you regardless of how you broach the subject. And if you’re emotional, they’d get that and support you too. But, ideally our spouses wouldn’t have cheated on us either, right?

Basically, I do think you need to switch your IC, because even if there’s something there, it’s worded in a very attacking / blame the victim type manner and that’s a big No in my book. But I do think it’s important to ask yourself whether the way you are dealing with your WS is the best way. Again, it’s understandable if you’re not ready for that yet, but it’s good to know.

Having said all of the above, if your WS is not being emotionally supportive and in general has a bad attitude when it comes to discussing his Wayward behavior, that’s a huge red flag in terms of R. I’d be divorced today if my wife was that way.

jb3199 posted 2/13/2020 06:15 AM

but for goodness sakes buck up and face it bud.

^^^^^^^^^^THAT, in my opinion, is the best advice that you will receive.^^^^^^^^^^^

And I like the source from which it came.

sisoon posted 2/14/2020 09:46 AM

Walloped asked important questions.

Ic feels that some level of defensiveness is to be expected...

I should take it as a sign as my failure to communicate rationally.

We all control how we respond to other people. WSes are defensive, etc., because of their own failings.

And why are you expected to be rational, if that means 'not emotional'? If you're asking questions about the A, it's normal to have some intense emotions.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:47 AM, February 14th (Friday)]