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Bonding with New Wife over common complaints

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Muggle posted 5/7/2020 01:04 AM

So the thing I swore would NEVER happen has been happening for some time now. I swore I would never communicate, email or talk to the woman he married and unraveled my life for after knowing her 14 days.

I was wrong, and have done a 180 on that thought. I've never physically spoken to her, but out of necessity and frustration I've had contact with her by email. This happened because she was appointed the CFO and is now the payroll person, and I get small check as salary from our previous business. I also get a significant buyout monthly.

In the beginning she wasn't confrontational, but she gave me the impression she was 100% in his court, and bought into whatever he had told her. She defended him, and thought I destroyed his life financially. She told that to his adult daughter and his daughter jumped down her throat and set her straight about a number of things she didn't know.

Fast forward a few months. After the $3 million dollar lawsuit he filed against in Federal court me was dismissed with prejudice she and I started having limited dialog.

He would be NC with me, not respond and ignored me completely. Typical narcissistic behavior. In the end I emailed her about bills that weren't paid and other court related things.In time the conversations expanded. We stayed civil, and it was hard not to want to throw out some stinging remarks in the beginning. I wanted her to know so many things. I wanted to be heard.

Karma is working in the background, slowly doing her magic, opening her eyes to the man she thought was her Prince Charming. Now she's seeing he's not quite the prize she thought he was.

She has made numerous comments to me complaining about the exact things that I used to complain about. She talks about how she has high morals and standards and she doesn't believe he can sustain that type of behavior. She has sent me emails that he can't view, calling him a complete asshole, telling me that she had a 2 day argument with "King Tut" over paying me my buyout, when it was already late.

The emails lately have been comical, comparing notes, complaining about him and laughing. We called these emails the Quarantine Chronicles.

It's clear we have far more in common than she ever imagined. I sent her a lengthy email with some of my experiences, and she stated that all the same things are happening and she wishes she could disagree with me but she shares the same opinion.

Her last email said she was tired of him not taking care of his obligations to me, that I've been patient, it's been delinquent for over 6 months and she was going to schedule payments of $1000 a month from his personal account. She said he'd never notice and it was time those debts were paid off. She then said she would put my buyout payments on auto debit, that I should know each month when I'm getting money and it should be on time.

My last email I touched on the fact that what he's been doing is all about control. He hates to lose control, and making me wait for payments, ask for them, and have them late is his way of keeping his thumb on me financially. He feeds his ego by making me wait, and is dismissive toward me. I told her he will hold a grudge till I die, and will never let it go.

Life is strange. Maybe there are unicorns or murder hornets out there, but for a short time the universe lined up and I had a twilight episode bond with the woman that replaced me.

I feel heard. I no longer feel like I need to scream that she's looking at her own future but doesn't know it. We are the SAME book at different places in time. She is a few chapters past the honeymoon phase, and I'm the epilogue.

Tallgirl posted 5/7/2020 06:19 AM

Funny, this how has worked out.

For your sake i hope she lasts long enough for you to get all that is owed to you.

Sounds like a friendly connection. Wise to keep it while needed.

You escaped. She walked into your past hell.

The1stWife posted 5/7/2020 06:48 AM

The new wife doesnít sound very happy.

And she doesnít sound like he can control her either.

This should be very interesting to see what the future holds for this marriage. And I hope the new wife is wise enough to financially protect herself.

Tigersrule77 posted 5/7/2020 07:00 AM

I wonder if the new wife had to sign a pre-nup. She may not be so lucky when he moves on to number 3.

Muggle posted 5/7/2020 13:25 PM

I wonder if the new wife had to sign a pre-nup. She may not be so lucky when he moves on to number 3.

He married her 8 days after my birthday by surprise in Vegas after I found a photo of them together the night before my birthday. We weren't married for our 23 year committed intimate relationship. He claims he has no pre-nup, and told our daughter that she agreed to his terms, whatever those were. He implied he would take care of his family and she hers. I doubt that's the real conversation that took place.

She has been married 5+ times, and is now the CFO of his business, and she is the CEO of a competing business that was started completely in her name in another state. The businesses are identical, and I suspect were to provide a shield from the IRS, lawsuits, and liability.

He called today, and I answered. He has had some epiphany in life, and decided to apologize for treating me the way he did during our relationship. He said he killed my soul, ruined my life and he has many regrets. He also made sure I realized he's not trying to get back with me, in round about terms. He hoped I can heal from this and move on in life, and he had to get it off his chest. He mentioned a number of events like how his infidelity was inexcusable and how his behavior impacted everyone.

He said he'd seen a doctor and has changed his life. It seemed like an advertisement for how he changed for her but not for me, but he was sorry it caused me pain.

He mentioned how I believe he owes me interest on obligations he didn't pay, or was late on and he's not going to argue, but it can be added to the end total and be handled at the end. That was something I directly spoke in email to his wife about in the last two days.

I told him financially is the only place I am vulnerable and I've moved on and forgiven him for killing my memories and ruining my life.

He monopolized the entire conversation, and then drifted to how he's financially ruined, and I have the house so I can get a reverse mortgage later in life and live off that. He brought up how he's $600k in debt, and if his lawsuit doesn't turn out like he wants he will never recover. He spoke of the economy, and how he's barely getting by, and lucky that he's not already bankrupt like so many businesses will be. He stands to get millions if he wins any of the lawsuits he started or plans to start.

I could hear his wife's influence in some of the conversation based off our private emails to each other, but he made statements about how if something happened to him he wanted me to know these things. He did seem genuine about taking responsibility but I know this was prompted by his recent lawsuit filed against someone he stated was dangerous.

He's feeling threatened and his own mortality is causing him to have a sudden case of conscience.

On one side it gave me some closure, but it had a bounce back effect on me. It brought bitterness to the surface again. I had made peace with most of the bitterness associated with wasting decades of my life, being devalued, abandoned, and alone. This conversation left me with a profound sadness.

I told him I have our children and he has a wife now to console him. He countered with how he will be in the background of their lives but told me in the event of his death I will receive the money I'm owed. How fucking generous, you self serving, douche canoe! He didn't mention taking care of his kids, or leaving them anything.

I did mention this brought forth anger. WTF do you do with this? Great, I was the science experiment that got you to where you are, and now that you aren't a category 5 catastrophe you want to tell me you're sorry?

Was this really about making amends, or was it an attention getting ploy in case something bad happens to him? Am I supposed to be happy he's "fixed" himself or trying to and now going to become a better person for SOMEONE ELSE? They are the ones that benefit financially if he wins his lawsuit, not me.

I'm not going to waste too much energy on this, but damn I didn't know all this was so close to the surface that I could suddenly revisit all of it. I'm going to give it a few hours to subside, and then try to refocus.

This is my life now, and dwelling in the things I feel I lost, isn't going to help me one little bit. I have to make it work. So much for healing. He just took me 5 steps backwards again.

HalfTime2017 posted 5/7/2020 13:59 PM

Muggle, it sounds like this new wife prompted his call and apology. At the end of the day, it wasn't for you, it was for HIM and Her.

He's still a douche canoe. If he dies, or loses his court cases, that his bad. FTG, and his new wife even if you bonded with her. You can't excuse the fact that she is still an AP. And that is a fact.

Cooley2here posted 5/7/2020 20:30 PM

Who knows if heís narcissistic sociopathic or just nuts. Whatever the deal is just be glad heís somebody elseís problem. You have a long life ahead of you. Just get on with it and enjoy yourself and be so glad he is not in your life every day

Tallgirl posted 5/8/2020 06:10 AM

When my stbxh confessed on DDay1, she forced it. He felt better. A weight off his shoulders. I was utterly devastated. He won. She won - he went back to her. I lost. Dday2 came later.

This call was the same. Likely prompted by her, he won. She won. You lost.

Donít take his calls. He can leave a voice mail. In this call he gave you nothing. Now he is a better man in his eyes.

He is a selfish sob. Do not indulge him in any way.

calculate all the late fees and send him a bill. He said he owes You. Include a cover letter, talk about. As agreed on date. He should pay. Then it is productive call for you.

Get her on your side.

Talk to her about $ for the kids. Who knows.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 6:10 AM, May 8th (Friday)]

tushnurse posted 5/8/2020 08:27 AM

(((muggle))))

While there is some need to keep things congenial, I would recommend that you have limited contact w/ both of them.

He is a total narcissist. You don't need to be drawn back into his abusive bullshit. It's also expected that those feelings are just under the surface. You need to allow yourself more time to heal, that lawsuit you went through w/ him was pretty much putting you back at zero w/ your healing. So be kind to you, and remember he is an abusive jerk, you deserve better. Grey rock, grey rock, grey rock.

Anna123 posted 5/8/2020 14:48 PM

Be careful when they start to tell you their financial woes when they are supposed to be paying you money going forward. This reeks of a possible set-up. This is what happened with myself before he cut my alimony and this is what happened to three different people I know off the top of my head before they were taken back to mediation/court to reduce their payments. Don't be soft, he will come in for the kill if you are. A good recovered guy isn't going to cry to you about his financial woes.

ibonnie posted 5/8/2020 14:56 PM

Don't trust her.

Don't trust him.

Don't give them ANY information or insight into your life.

The less she (and he) know, the better.

Muggle posted 5/8/2020 15:10 PM

He sent me some odd texts last night. I had sent him a condolence text as it appears one of his family members in another country may have passed away. He hadn't seen him since he was 4 years old, but always wanted to travel there.

The text he sent was about trying to make the rest of his days have meaning. He said he "made a mistake not getting my priorities straight."

I told him all life's experiences have meaning, my priorities are straight but my destination in life is yet to be determined.

He then replied, "Mine is at journey's end."

Not sure what to read into that, if it's an indication that he's in a self pity mode, his wife kicked him to the curb, or something more ominous.

I won't and can't be involved in his life. I'm not coming to save him. I have a letter half done that will give me the rest of the closure I think I need.

I didn't need to hear that he has "regrets" or that only the first 2.5 years with me were "pure bliss". I think I needed to hear that he loved me. I needed to hear that he was sorry, and that I mattered, not that I was simply "a decent person". This didn't feel like a true apology but more of a situation where he's worried he might be physically harmed by his lawsuit by the people involved.

If he's sorry, then fix what he can financially. Make it right if he wins millions. Buy his son a car to replace the beat up one that's falling apart. Fix the yard and things he left me to figure out that were in need of repair when he left. Replace the $10,000 of my savings he absorbed with his frivolous lawsuit. Make sure the his children are taken care of.

I doubt he would do any of those things. I think he would avoid the work it would take to mend his relationship with his children. It's far easier take the path that provides no resistance than it is to mend the broken pieces.

HalfTime2017 posted 5/8/2020 15:35 PM

I agree with Ibonnie Muggle. I've been here about about as long as you have.

Its best to just keep that distance. She and the WH are not your friend. Less is better with those guys.

Remember that fucker tried to sue you for $3MM. Remember that. Lets not forget.

EllieKMAS posted 5/8/2020 16:03 PM

Muggle, just my gut reaction is calling bullshit on both of them. Maybe I am overly cynical (possible), but I would be extremely careful about commiserating or communicating too much with mrs. asshole. For the first part, I am just suspicious AF about her reaching out anyways, and for a second part, fuck her. She doesn't like the bad SHE helped to make with her dishonesty? Tough shit. I personally have NO sympathy whatsoever for APs. Ever. And after what she has done and helped him to do in fucking you over, why on earth wouold you want to get chummy with her? Convenient that now she was supposedly having arguments about him paying what he owed to you.... strange that.

As for mr. asshole. FTG too. I'm glad he's arrived at 'epiphany' (again, cynic in me says bullshit and what does he really want), but he can epiphasize over there. Again, just my cynical gut reaction but I feel like both of them are trying to manipulate you for their own ends. Please just proceed with caution.

JBWD posted 5/9/2020 06:58 AM

From what youíre describing, my guess:

OW is no longer blindly inflating him, and so heís flailing about trying to find someone else to do it for him. Hinting at the end? I truly believe that to be a ploy for attention as well.

Heís looking for attention. Let him find it somewhere else.

Anna123 posted 5/9/2020 09:04 AM

I am going to be very cut and dry here. Don't EVER communicate with him or her again AND, maybe rethink your need to hear he is sorry, etc. Consider the source. Why would you need an I'm sorry from the likes of him? You are above that. Why be involved with that kind of a woman? She is not a good person.

Short answers only if needed on immediate financial questions. That is it. If he isn't paying what is legally required, he immediately hears from your lawyer, not you. He is a manipulative asshole and is taking advantage of you having a tender heart for him. He has NO BUSINESS telling you this crap. It really has to stop.

It's all a big adjustment and I am sympathetic to it, it's just that continuing this contact is slowing down your healing. Take care.

Marz posted 5/9/2020 20:54 PM

You are keeping in contact for what purpose?

Whatís it getting you?

Muggle posted 5/9/2020 21:47 PM

You are keeping in contact for what purpose?
Whatís it getting you?

We have a settlement where he pays me money each month from our business, child support, college support and a debts he agreed to pay.

I can't afford to take him back and forth to court and the court system is set up to where he has to be 30 days late before I can even start the process. He knows this, and since we weren't married all the attorney costs are mine to bear if I take him to court. It could end up costing me a thousand dollars to chase him or more.

He stays within the 30 day late part, paying a few days short of it, which is still making it 40-55 days between payments sometimes.

I communicated with her only because she has been the driving force behind getting ANY money. When I threatened to take him to court, he threatened to try to sue me again. He knows any litigation I have to pay for an attorney, and unless it's completely frivolous the last round cost me $10,000 for his federal lawsuit. The initial "divorce" cost me $25,000. I simply can't afford to not be paid, but I also can't afford to litigate.

JBWD I think he's reaching out because he has had a change in his situation more so than his actual remorse. I'm not going to save him.

Metaphorically He jumped out of the plane and took both our parachutes when he abandoned me. He let me ride the plane to the ground, left me bleeding, alone and walked off into the sunset without a backward glance. He can figure it out on his own. His only power over me now is through money, and that will end in 2.5 more years. His "regrets" are little comfort for killing my soul.

[This message edited by Muggle at 9:52 PM, May 9th (Saturday)]

Tallgirl posted 5/10/2020 05:50 AM

Muggle I understand that you need to interact with him. But you are engaging with him. Stop engaging.

He has a wife to support his emotional needs. You are getting sucked back in. He is using you.

What he thinks about you is irrelevant. What you think of you is critical. Love yourself.

Let him go.

I know how hard this is to do.

Hugs

Chili posted 5/10/2020 11:15 AM

Oh Muggle - I've followed your story here for quite a while and I really hate the situation you're in all the way around. For some perspective, I too had an assclown who tried to take me down financially and take away my livelihood and business as well. It was horrible, so I've been there just a little bit.

And in light of my own situation and what you've written here about your Ex and his new wife, I believe you need to grab every piece of armor available to you and put up a drawbridge with spikes, moat, and any other battlements available to you. (And maybe for good measure, keep the catapults loaded).

Boundaries.

Mine here. Yours there.

I know your legal agreements have been complicated and I've struggled to understand their workings. However, it's so disturbing that in order to receive the funds you're entitled to, you have to do all this dancing. Play nice. Engage. Don't engage. Email the wife. Respond to Ex via text. Act like you don't know they're moving. Moderate phone calls with his children. Pretend you're just waiting patiently. Call when he misses his deadlines. Listen to him while he whines. I just don't get it - your lawyers think this is how this is supposed to go? With all these contingencies?

It seems like all of your financial well-being is in their hands and at their whim.

But I have to tell you - the very topic title with the words: Bonding with New Wife paired with Common Complaints is just just....bad.

She is not bonding material. She is not safe. She is not your ally. Neither is her husband. You are their dependent. At least financially. Entrenching yourself with her or getting into their marriage doin's is potentially very dangerous for you. Your complaints together are really not shared or common.

Please don't set yourself up for another smackdown from these two disordered folks any longer.

What do you think you can do to get some real separation from these people? What can you plan to make happen behind your own battlements in a place they can't penetrate? I think Muggle needs some just Muggle things that don't rely on you getting sucked into any more drama or unhealthy and disordered crap. What would be your next steps if all his money and prospects dried up completely (he died or went bankrupt or spent it all or threw it out of a plane). What would you do then? Maybe thinking about heading in that direction will give you some ideas of seeds to start planting. And maybe help the daily anxiety over this situation start to dissipate just a little.

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