"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

ThisIsSoLonely posted 5/11/2020 08:39 AM

She is not bonding material. She is not safe. She is not your ally. Neither is her husband. You are their dependent. At least financially. Entrenching yourself with her or getting into their marriage doin's is potentially very dangerous for you. Your complaints together are really not shared or common.

No, but she's GREAT fake-bonding material. If you can do it, use her for all she's worth. If it's taking a mental toll on you then stop.

Muggle posted 5/11/2020 13:04 PM

What do you think you can do to get some real separation from these people? What can you plan to make happen behind your own battlements in a place they can't penetrate? I think Muggle needs some just Muggle things that don't rely on you getting sucked into any more drama or unhealthy and disordered crap. What would be your next steps if all his money and prospects dried up completely (he died or went bankrupt or spent it all or threw it out of a plane). What would you do then? Maybe thinking about heading in that direction will give you some ideas of seeds to start planting. And maybe help the daily anxiety over this situation start to dissipate just a little.

I can tell you I've not been so excited about anything as I was when she sent the $500 toward the overdue bills. I took that money immediately and paid down the debt he owed me. As long as that continues to happen, I will be completely debt free in 4 months. I've made sure all my existing debts, credit and payments are on zero interest cards. That in itself is a form of FREEDOM.

I've managed to increase my credit score dramatically, am plotting my path, and determined to be debt free soon. I've acquired credit in my name, in case I need a back up plan. I've tried to think outside the box for everything I need to accomplish in the 2.5 years left.

As for the rest, I am in the process of finding a job. Covid or not I will need to work, even if it's only at minimum wage. IF he stops paying entirely then I will sell the house, move to near my sister. My house value would bridge that gap, and give me roughly an additional $100k or more from the sale of the current house to put in the bank along with what I currently have saved. Houses where my sister lives are significantly less expensive, and so is the cost of living.

I have a contingency plan for both possible paths. Yes, it's frustrating and annoying to deal with either of them to get what's owed, and not entirely healthy. If I must do it to get paid it's a necessary evil to a point. If he were to die, I have a court enforced life insurance policy that would pay me out. I insured our children and my settlement were protected, and I would enforce it legally on his estate if needed.

I look forward to the day when I no longer have to dance this dance. Until then the irritation from riding his ass to be paid is worth the bigger reward of knowing how much it must frost his pumpkin to have to pay me each month.

[This message edited by Muggle at 1:06 PM, May 11th (Monday)]

k8la posted 5/12/2020 00:21 AM

I don't know if you can lock down your credit, so that NO ONE can view your credit score, that might be a good idea if you find that you can. Any sign of prosperity that is perceptible to him would be consequential in his present display of regret.

Muggle posted 5/12/2020 13:39 PM

I don't know if you can lock down your credit, so that NO ONE can view your credit score, that might be a good idea if you find that you can. Any sign of prosperity that is perceptible to him would be consequential in his present display of regret.

I'm the only one with access to my credit score. He never had access. Now with the Covid crisis you can check all three credit bureau scores weekly until 2021 for free.

I just applied his first payment to the past due bills he was supposed to pay.

I've come to an epiphany of sorts. They are just waiting to see if his pending lawsuits net them millions. She isn't going anywhere, not that it really mattered. It would have only given me a moment of Karma. She may be experiencing the same behavior he had with me, but she has literally "millions" of reasons to wait it out. He told me his attorney is working on contingency, which they don't do unless they have a high likelihood of winning. They are the only "winners" in this. His kids and I are the forgotten fragments of the past.

The harsh reality I'm grappling with is they could both walk away set for life financially, while I will not have that financial security, which continues to toy with me.

His words were empty. My thoughts are full, my anger subsided, but my bitterness renewed momentarily. Life truly isn't fair, and good people end up as collateral damage. I'm struggling to find the balance once again.

EllieKMAS posted 5/12/2020 17:27 PM

Muggle, I understand having to have a base level of civility with the twat. But there is that and then there is being overly friendly. Any sort of 'bonding' with her is just not a good idea for your mental health IMHO. As for him - grey rock and NC as much as possible. Dealing with either of them more than is absolutely necessary will just set your healing back. Just my 0.02.

Glad it sounds like you've got plans in place, but end of the day make sure that you'd be okay without payouts from them too. Try not to have your future in any way contingent on either of them being decent humans, cus they aren't. It sucks and it is not even fair, but what price freedom?

IrishGirlVA posted 5/13/2020 10:52 AM

Her last email said she was tired of him not taking care of his obligations to me, that I've been patient, it's been delinquent for over 6 months and she was going to schedule payments of $1000 a month from his personal account.

I haven't read all the responses in detail so someone may have already mentioned -

She's made you a co-conspirator. If her name is not on his personal account, her setting up payments to you without his consent and knowledge is fraud. If you know these payments are coming to you without his consent or knowledge, that is considered fraud. There's a paper trail (evidence) of this. You can't accept the money if the money trail leads back to his personal account.

Please, please, please be careful with this.

Muggle posted 5/13/2020 12:26 PM

She's made you a co-conspirator. If her name is not on his personal account, her setting up payments to you without his consent and knowledge is fraud. If you know these payments are coming to you without his consent or knowledge, that is considered fraud. There's a paper trail (evidence) of this. You can't accept the money if the money trail leads back to his personal account.

She's a signer on all the accounts. She was on "our" business account as an authorized signer when we went through our divorce. She was the one scheduling the payments previously. We fought over her being a signer on our joint asset, but she's the CFO for the company now. He also gets text alerts when his account makes a payment a deposit is made, or his account gets low.

She's scheduled payments before, so I know she's also a signer on his personal accounts. She's not going to put herself at risk I can guarantee you.

I will be careful. He could change what she does at any point by cancelling the payments she scheduled. She has the passwords to all his accounts and he gave it to her, then he has granted her authority as far as the bank is concerned. It's like adding someone to your credit card. Purchases they make are automatically authorized when you gave them the authority to use your account.

Everyone has given some good advise. She's not my friend, she really isn't in my corner. I'm dancing this dance so I get paid. I step back as often as I can for my own sanity, and none of it is really healthy for me.

It's a dysfunctional, financial nightmare that won't end until the last payment is made. It's typical behavior for a narcissist. At least now I'm better equipped to deflect his ability to completely devastate me. It's more of a constant irritation now. A pesky mosquito that just hangs around.

[This message edited by Muggle at 12:35 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

EllieKMAS posted 5/14/2020 10:57 AM

At least now I'm better equipped to deflect his ability to completely devastate me. It's more of a constant irritation now. A pesky mosquito that just hangs around.

This is huge though Muggle. Once you hit the point where the interaction doesn't give you that 'stabbed in the gut' pang and instead is irritating AF... IMO that shows forward movement in your healing. Soooo happy to hear that.

Just... fuck shitty people. Fuck them. With the state of things in the world right now I am so tired - mentally, emotionally, spiritually just exhausted from shitty humans. I am so sorry you have such a special shitmuffin Muggle. You deserve so much better.

Muggle posted 5/17/2020 23:53 PM

Just when it seems things can't get any more confusing they do.

I think he's moving near me, and that distresses me. Our kids said he's in the process of moving his shop to in our town. He previously had one unit, now he's getting all four that were there. He was living 2+ hours away and now he could be back in the same small town as I am.

He could of course also move anywhere close enough to be able to use his shop, which could be 20-45 min away. I don't want to live in close proximity to him.

Anyone live in a small town that's had to navigate trying not to run into each other? There are only so many things in this town to do. If he moves here it's inevitable I will run into him, someplace like the ONE theater, getting coffee, or one of the few restaurants. Not sure I'm ready for this possibility.

Suggestions? I'm not going to worry too much until I know how close he might actually be.

free2016 posted 5/25/2020 11:06 AM

Just wanted to add to all other comments that it looks like she gets high from being a "friend" with you. You, the BP, whose partner she had stolen and who was abandoned with her kids, seek her support and help. She must be a great person, not a common cheater and a homewreacker! It is incredibly flattering to her ego.
Play her until all what is due is paid but please do not believe for a moment that she is a sincere person. It is all about ego kibbles for her.

LLXC posted 5/25/2020 22:47 PM

I remember when you first got on here, right when I started browsing.

I really don't think you should be in touch with her or him, at all. You have everything to gain by blocking them from your life.

If she means what she says and she truly thinks he is shit then you will know it is true when they divorce. But what if this is a ploy to get your defenses down? If she is honest then talking to her will not hurt you. Same is true if you're NC. But she can only hurt you if you are in contact

As for your ex. He said he is sorry. You will only know it when he shows you. If he is truly sorry, offer you more money. Saying it costs him nothing and may gain your sympathy. If he truly regrets what he has done he will gladly do something to benefit you and does not benefit hi . I worry that he is saying he is sorry so that he can manipulate you.

Stay away from them.

Cooley2here posted 5/26/2020 01:03 AM

Muggle, I live in a small town and am surprised at how seldom I see people i know. You know him. You were married for a long time. He won’t have changed his habits. Just think about how he used to go about his daily life. People don’t change that much. Plan ahead.
This is the hardest part to absorb. They can’t take your power away. Only you can give it away. You belong to you.
Any man who behaves this way clearly can’t love. If money is his sweetheart so be it. You have better things to do that let that pea brain run your life.

Muggle posted 5/30/2020 17:28 PM

I've had some crappy moments lately where I feel the pull of the past. I feel twinges of the hurt, disappointment and general sadness. It alternates from contentment and feeling hopeful to feeling defeated.

I have doubts that I'm as far in my healing as I credited myself with. Maybe I'm having a feeling sorry for myself moment. Two years and 3 months out and I wonder how many years it will take to stop caring at all.

I am beginning to notice how lonely life alone truly is. No one to share conversations with, no one to go places with, making all of life's decisions alone.

When he spoke to me the other day, it filled an empty place in me, a need for "normal". I was relaxed, but guarded. I realized that I missed simple conversations, random dribble we used to talk about daily. Those small connections are powerful but we don't see it until we no longer have it. Those things disappear when you get divorced or become a member of this group.

He didn't want me to know but he offered our daughter all the cards, letters I'd given him that he still had. He told her not to tell me but he didn't want to throw them away. I don't know why that simple action hurt me. I still have those things. I don't want to purge my life of decades of memories. I don't need to visit or read those memories but they are a part of me and I think I've lost enough of myself in this process. I want to be able to remember who I was and he can't be erased from being a part of my life by denying he existed or that I loved him.

He offered to potentially fix the yard, and the crawlspace with his workers if we could agree on an amount to be deducted from my settlement at the end. It's a win win for both of us financially, but he also asked that I email his wife to keep her in the loop. He was quick to state he wouldn't be doing the work himself. After my initial irritation at having to pay for him to fix the shit he left me with I realized the end result would benefit me in the long run.

I sent his wife the email. I suspect he asked me to email her since she might be feeling uncomfortable or insecure about us communicating. He did tell me recently that he didn't disclose to her that our relationship wasn't fully over when he married her. He told her after he was married to her.

I did tell her that he had asked me to email her, while stating that I don't know if he wants her blessing on this endeavor or he just wanted to include her in the process.

The positive this week I took from all this is I've made $1000 in payments on debt. My credit score will climb, and I can see the path to "excellent" credit down the road.

I'm strongly considering buying a car this summer. Hertz rentals filed for bankruptcy and the market will be flooded with used vehicles below KBB. I need more established credit since the house is paid off and I show no mortgage loans or car loans on my report. You'd think NOT having a mortgage and a paid off house would be good for your credit, but it isn't.

I won't qualify for a loan if I wait another year or two, so this might be the chance to secure a virtually new car and significantly reduced price. I can pay it off in 2 years. This way I have a reliable vehicle for many years to come.