"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Gottagetthrough posted 5/15/2020 08:05 AM

I hate being in this forum. Hate hate hate it.

I have been going to IC for a few months and my goal was to get to a place where I’m emotionally strong enough to divorce Wh

As a last ditch effort, I asked Wh to go to marriage counseling. I had asked him in November when I found out about OW2 and their emotional affair, but “life” kept getting in the way. Now with quarantine and Zoom counseling, counseling is easier to schedule.

The more we go to counseling, the more I realize it’s just not gong to happen. I’m realizing at some point my subconscious took over. I retained an attorney, “just Incase”.... I started thinking about what life would be like as a single person... and 10 years ago I made a decision to never have joint financial accounts with Wh... just Incase.

I think my heart is catching up now.

I don’t feel sad. I feel like I’m seeing Wh for who he is. In MC he NEVER takes blame. He said he HAS to text ow these days for work and also because her mom just died and how could he NOT text her?

If he’d been serious about reconciling he’d have stopped texting her in November.

Mom is just an excuse.

I see my Wh scared that he will lose us and acting a lot nicer. Trying. It COULD work if I were willing.

But I gave up a while ago.

And now I’m almost ready to accept that and move forward.

I keep thinking, there was a time when he could have done these things and worked on himself and saved the marriage and family unit, but he ran out of time. It’s like he just opened the test book and is trying to answer question 1 and the bell has rung. He’s yelling at the teacher, “no, wait! I want to take the test! I studied! I want to try.” But it’s just too late.

And I feel a little sorry for him, because we are AMAZING. I’ve aged pretty well, he has not. I have family support, he hasn’t seen his family since 2018. His sister has blocked his number and social media.

When he’s gone the chaos will lift from my life. WHeh I’m gone from his life his chaos (that I keep at a tolerable level) will explode. He will not do well. He will most likely go and live with his mom. Who he hasn’t seen since 2018. I don’t know if she’ll take him in.

I hope it’s ok to write here and keep talking myself into divorce. I DONT WANT IT! But there is absolutely nothing Wh can do to make me stay. He’s trying now and EVEN if it wasn’t a last ditch effort that I know will eventually end and he’ll be back to nasty mean WH, it’s just too late.

devotedman posted 5/15/2020 08:35 AM

You've been heard. What you are saying and feeling is perfectly normal.

There was a "magic window" of time where you could have been persuaded to stay and he just kept doing so little for so long that the window closed.

Gottagetthrough posted 5/15/2020 08:56 AM

There was a "magic window" of time where you could have been persuaded to stay and he just kept doing so little for so long that the window closed

Yes. And I think it was about 10 years ago.

MC has been great because every time we see the MC, Wh makes excuses for his behavior. And it’s in an environment where I’m paying attention to his words and really listening- and I realize he’s just making excuses and not remorseful.

I feel like my journey to divorce is a lot like an affair. I didn’t set out to get a divorce. I just was a little curious so I started visiting divorce websites. Then I got a little more serious and retained and attorney, but told myself I could turn back at anytime, it’s just a post nuptial agreement. The post nup got a little more serious and divides finances and in the event of divorce retirement and tells Wh when to Leave the house....

I’ve talked myself into D over several months. So when I do file it’s not a shock .... a lot like an affair that starts out looking at dating sites, then talking to the new woman at work, then having a drink with her after work.... then when you sleep with her, it’s not a huge jump as if you’d woken up one day and said I’m going to cheat!

Justsomeguy posted 5/15/2020 09:09 AM

I respectfully differ. I think you do want to D, but feeling of sympathy for compassion for your WH are getting in the way. Maybe there is a little guilt in this for you as you recognize that you are much stronger than he is and in a much better place. The way you are talking about your relationship smacks of codependency. I get it, I am a raging codependent, but it's not your job to make certain HIS life works out nicely. I mean, he doesn't seem particularly concerned with your life, or at least he wasn't when he was actively in the A. By the way, he is still in the A if he is in contact with his AP.

I have been S for almost two years now and living on my own since September. I'm not going to lie. It is tough emotionally. I am often sad and lonely when I don't have my kids. The nights are the worst. I don't have a great social life, but I have some friends who care about me and a sister I phone regularly. But what I do have is peace. I have an abundance of peace. And, although I'm sad quite often, my heart doesn't break every day like it used to. That alone makes everything worth it.

I remember this scene from Kirate Kid. Mr. Miyagi asks Daniel to trim the Bonsai trees. Daniel is reluctant because he says he doesn't know anything about Bonsai trees. Miyagi responds that it is simple. Just close your eyes and imagine the perfect tree. Then open them and make the necessary adjustments. You need to imagine the life you want, dream about it, write it down in your journal, create a whole 8nverse of possibility. Open your eyes and compare it to the life you have, then make the necessary adjustments.

Gottagetthrough posted 5/15/2020 09:21 AM

Just some guy- when I do that (dream about the future) it never has Wh in the dream. Not for many years.

And I agree- I’m very codependent

tushnurse posted 5/15/2020 09:29 AM

(((Gotta)))

You are progressing.
You will get through this.
You are a strong and amazing person.
He doesn't deserve you.

Keep on plugging along.

WhoTheBleep posted 5/15/2020 09:41 AM

I completely agree with everything justsomeguy said.

You have made your decision. Your wh has made his bed, now he is going to lie in it. You gave him every opportunity to save his family. It's been 10 years. Do not feel obligated to give him one more minute.

You sound exactly how I felt when I finally left. I still had the guilt and downright pity for him, but it wasn't enough to make me stay and sacrifice myself for his dysfunction. It gets easier once you are separated and not seeing or hearing him everyday. No contact as much as possible.

You've got this.

nekonamida posted 5/15/2020 10:34 AM

I agree with justsomeguy.

But I'd also like to point out that your WH made a choice too. He chose OW. He knew what he was risking by making that choice. He continues to choose her every time he talks to her. He is not trying. He is cake eating and hoping he can convince you to look the other way for as long as possible. I don't know how that could possibly work for you unless you're okay with sharing him emotionally and reverting back years in your own healing and progress. While you have made a choice to move forward and chose getting out of infidelity, I too see that your hand was forced and he isn't giving you any options besides accepting the unacceptable.

Gottagetthrough posted 5/15/2020 10:41 AM

Yes. I even tried to see it from his point , that they are just friends, but it’s not happening. I’m not going to be a second choice. He has chosen her over and over.

Even when or if he realizes what he’s done- it’s too late. I gave him a second chance years ago and he blew it.

nomudnolotus posted 5/15/2020 15:58 PM

Even if they were just friends, so what?

It's not wrong of you to say it's me or her, you can't have both. Cut all contact or the marriage is over.

Gottagetthrough posted 5/15/2020 17:31 PM

It's not wrong of you to say it's me or her, you can't have both. Cut all contact or the marriage is over

Our counselor said why not just tell your “friend” your marriage is in trouble, you have to focus on the marriage now. No texting outside work.

Wh said, “but I can’t lose another person. My sisters, my cousins, no one talks to me from my family. This woman is my surrogate sister”

I told him, you don’t want to lose the friend, but you’re willing to lose your wife? Counselor said yeah, don’t you hear Gotta? She’s going to an attorney, she’s lost feeing for you, she’s planning on what she will do when she leaves you.

I’m just not important to him. And that’s ok. But it’s not ok that I continue to try to make myself important to him. He had a chance to show me that I’m important- he missed it- times up.

nekonamida posted 5/15/2020 18:56 PM

I’m just not important to him. And that’s ok. But it’s not ok that I continue to try to make myself important to him. He had a chance to show me that I’m important- he missed it- times up.

This is SO strong. It's a real testament to how far you've come. You've got this!

Okokok posted 5/15/2020 21:35 PM

Wh said, “but I can’t lose another person. My sisters, my cousins, no one talks to me from my family. This woman is my surrogate sister”

The only thing that empowers an otherwise sane person to talk like this is ongoing infidelity.

Whether it's an emotional affair, a full-blown physical affair, WH's continued hopes for an affair...this is just an ongoing infidelity situation.

"This woman is my surrogate sister" is literally just a lie. And it's just sad, and it sounds stupid coming out of a grown, married man's mouth. It's like something a high-schooler would say. It's so silly.

Sorry, gottagetthrough. A solid 180 while continuing your divorce process is the answer here.

The1stWife posted 5/15/2020 22:31 PM

Why do YOU feel so terrible pulling the trigger? He caused this by cheating.

Give yourself permission to make the tough choice. The marriage no longer works.

Don’t look back. Keep moving forward.

phmh posted 5/16/2020 10:58 AM

(((Gotta))) I can relate in many ways - since we didn't have kids, I'm completely NC with WXH but I know his life is imploding without me there. The calls I used to get from bounty hunters looking for his brother gave me a glimpse into that.

I promise you that in a year or a few years, you will look back and be so happy you were strong enough to pull the trigger even though that wasn't what you wanted. Your life will be so much better than you ever thought it could be once you get rid of the anchor and allow your awesomeness to take center stage.

You've got this. Keep going. Your future self will thank you.

NeverTwice posted 5/16/2020 13:05 PM

This resonates with me...

When he’s gone the chaos will lift from my life. WHeh I’m gone from his life his chaos (that I keep at a tolerable level) will explode. He will not do well.

After a lot of grieving (and a lot of therapy) I finally realized that 90% of the drama in my life then was her. The only difference is I did not even try reconciling - the betrayal cut too deep and hurt too badly. And don't let the fact that his life will suffer deter you. He made his bed...

nekonamida posted 6/14/2020 07:17 AM

GGT, how are you? Are things still slowly moving forward?

EllieKMAS posted 6/14/2020 10:27 AM

(((Ggt)))

I promise you once the dust settles, once your life is calm and peaceful, once you are not dealing with an entitled manbaby, once you are not being subjected to daily abuse, once you are not being devalued constantly, once your kids see their mom happier and on her way to healing... You will wonder why you waited so long to ditch the dead weight he is. You will wonder how on earth you ever fell for his pathetic bullshit. You'll feel steadier by the day and eventually there will come a day when you wake up and you'll feel nothing for him but pity.

Divorce is hard and it sucks. It's an adjustment and it changes your life. But in more cases than not, that change is overwhelmingly positive.

One step at a time, but you're finally stepping your way out of infidelity. That's a win no matter what.

crazyblindsided posted 6/15/2020 12:57 PM

(((Gottagetthrough))) I feel very much like you. The magic window closed years ago and it took awhile for my heart to catch up to my head. I'm IHS still but as soon as this pandemic lifts I'm out.