"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Gottagetthrough posted 6/28/2020 11:33 AM

Don’t know where those goes, but since we’re on the road to divorce AND due to my reaction to this information I think divorce might be the appropriate forum.

Wh CHEATED on OW1!!!!!

I am naive . They told me they were engaged, happy. Wh took ow to his mom’s house several times. They vacationed at SIL’s. Wh was I diagnosed bipolar and when he got correct diagnosis he left ow, and asked to come home, (we stayed separated 2 more years)
But I have always thought he was faithful to her. Always a thought in my mind that she was better than me in some way.

Nope.

He cheated many times and tried & strucK out many other times. He cheated with their neighbor, and ow confronted her. He cheated with a coworker.

They were not soul mates. Ow was not better than me. I have been sad for years that she must be better in bed. She wasn’t. They didn’t have a special relationship, it was broken and sad and trash. Ow constantly checked his phone, and would yell at him about communicating with ME! She was jealous of ME!

Wh asked if I was mad when he told me this- I laughed and said no! You CHEATED on OW!!

I don’t know if this is appropriate. But it’s how I feel. And it makes me laugh!!!!!

Justsomeguy posted 6/28/2020 11:46 AM

Are you back with him? He is a serial cheater. How is he now?

Phoenix1 posted 6/28/2020 13:45 PM

That just illustrates why we often tell BS's that are heartbroken at the image their WS paints of special unicorn and glitter schmoopie pie soul mate love with their AP not to always believe what they are being fed, or think they see. Looks can be deceiving, words can be lies, and you never know what's going on behind closed doors.

Right up there with Xhole telling me his last OW ran off on him with their OC after six months of living together, and I found an email later from him to her about how devastated he was. I laughed my ass off.

Enjoy your laughter as it is often the best medicine!

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:47 PM, June 28th (Sunday)]

Muggle posted 6/28/2020 13:49 PM

They were not soul mates. Ow was not better than me. I have been sad for years that she must be better in bed. She wasn’t. They didn’t have a special relationship, it was broken and sad and trash.

Remember that statement. You deserve a better man, a complete man that respects himself, so he can also respect you.

I hope you keep your focus, and realize your worth. Do not get sucked back into the drama vortex of lies and the manipulationship he will try to have with you.

Stand your ground. Don't communicate with him or you will be back at ground zero and any boundaries you've established will be useless.

Accept that he's a flawed man, that he's not relationship material and close that chapter of your life. It may give you a moment of KARMA but don't linger in the feeling. The feeling will fade, but don't let pity replace it. He's exactly where he needs to be, on the outside looking in.

Move forward with confidence.

Gottagetthrough posted 6/28/2020 17:00 PM

I don’t currently live with him. I’m at a relatives house, he is at our house (that we don’t own... he’ll have to leave)

It’s hard to divorce him. I know it sounds crazy but it is.

This new info has made me feel so much better about myself though . He didn’t just want to replace me with ow. I am naive and thought he was just unhappy with me and wanted a replacement. It wasn’t about me at all. People have been telling me this for year on this site but I never really believed them .

nekonamida posted 6/28/2020 18:17 PM

It's not about you with the current potential OW either. And you can bet he will have a new chump lined up in no time if she won't have him that he will cheat on too. This is who he is. This is what he does. There may even be others that you don't know about.

Proceed with the lawyer. Don't be his next chump.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 6/29/2020 16:57 PM

It does put things into perspective doesn't it???!!! My H told me that he kept trying to find other women to have NSA sex with. He would put on his Craigslist ads that he was a "happily married man" .

However...he never told this to the adultery co-conspirator . I found the last conversation they had on Whatsapp. The adultery co-conspirator saw my H was on it and wanted to know WHY he was not invisible on WhatsApp . Instead of answering her question...my H asked her why SHE was on it !!! He was very evasive...and they finally ended their conversation. She then got back on to let him know SHE was invisible in there...like that made it better !!

She did find out he was continually looking for others even while fucking her. I let her know that little tidbit .

HalfTime2017 posted 6/29/2020 17:02 PM

why is it hard to divorce him? You've been on this board for 10yrs now.

That's a lost decade. Please please consider going to therapy for yourself if nothing else. You deserve more, and your self esteem may need a boost, but there is no way in hell wasting another decade on this douche is a good idea

Tigersrule77 posted 6/30/2020 08:24 AM

Your WH is a broken person. It was never about you. I'm glad you now have the proof.

I also find OW's reaction amusing. She became involved with a cheater and then expects the cheater to be faithful. If he was faithful, he wouldn't be with her in the first place.

Gottagetthrough posted 6/30/2020 23:49 PM

why is it hard to divorce him

I have low self esteem. I am 5’ tall and had 3 large babies so my stomach is a wreck- sagging skin, stretch marks. I think I’m too disgusting looking for anyone to ever love me again, and it scares me to think of a life without love. Even if the love I get from Wh is twisted abusive love, it’s something. I’m a pretty person and with clothes on I’m pretty good looking. I don’t look my age and I dress nicely when I want to (as a mom I am in sweats a lot, but when it matters I clean up nicely )

But my stomach is just so messed up from having babies and it is a really tough self esteem thing.

I’m in therapy.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 11:50 PM, June 30th (Tuesday)]

nekonamida posted 7/1/2020 19:34 PM

GGT, you're not alone in that. Tons of women battle with the same issue. If it's really a big deal to you, you can look into a physical trainer who may have some exercises to tighten that skin up or even surgery after your time and money has freed up a bit. But honestly, it's nothing many men your age haven't seen and there's so much more to attraction than just your mid section. Think about it - what's the worst that could happen with a new partner? You wear a cute corset and the other 90% of your body looks banging? Guys are just not that picky.

I don't discount your feelings but I question your choice to focus on that issue. In fact, I've noticed that every time you're asked why you've stayed, you have a different answer. When coD is running the show, ANY reason seems like a good reason not to rock the boat. I've seen coD people say their cat or dog couldn't handle the fallout of a D. Yeah, I'm sure it's an issue you think about and are insecure about but it's fixable. It's also no where near as big of an issue as you're making it into.

You are so far from unlovable just because you have scars/stretch marks/extra skin/whatever. If that was untrue, no ugly person would ever get married. No obese person would ever get married. No formerly obese person would ever get married because they have a lot more excess skin than you do. And yet somehow, they're able to find love and marry all the time. TLC has proven this time and time again if you don't believe me.

I really hope your therapist can find whatever the real source of your insecurity amd persistent belief that you are unlovable stems from and can help you address it and come through stronger because I know it's not Annoying but Common Fixable Reason #142 you've given. It's something much deeper. And better yet, I hope they can expose your WH to you as intentionally using these insecurities against you like he did about the OW's bikini pics. It will be easier for you to address these insecurities when you're not living with the man who's rubbing them in your face every day and reminding you how unlovable he thinks you are in order to control you.

EllieKMAS posted 7/1/2020 20:04 PM

Man I get it. I've got weight I want to lose and body image issues too. My exdouche cheated on me with an 18 yo that weighed maybe a buck ten. I saw the sexy photos she sent him and they stabbed me in the heart.

But you know what? A few things.

One, she may only weigh 110, but that's 110# of garbage and disgustingness. No matter what her outsides look like, she is ugly and broken and shitty on the inside. I may be way heavier, but I'm kind. And compassionate. And loving. And honest. And and AND. Who looks prettier now? No matter what bows and glitter you put on a turd, it's still shit. I'll take my weight and being a stand-up fucking human any day of the week thankyouverymuch.

Two. Real people have blobby bits. And chin hair. And a toe that looks wonky. And grow a 1.5" eyebrow hair like an antenna overnight (srsly I did that earlier this week whaaaaaat?). Real bodies have all that. Nothing to be ashamed of. And a real man WILL NOT GIVE TWO FLYING SHITS that your tummy grew humans. That's right, Your stomach looks like that cus you grew three whole humans in there - how badass is that??

Three. Don't even worry about finding the next mr. Gotta right now. Focus on YOU. Your healing, your children's healing, and getting yourself the fuck out of infidelity. Once the thing that is poisoning you is gone, my bet is you will start to feel lighter. And here's a secret for you: whole healthy people attract whole healthy people. Get yourself whole. Let yourself heal. You are loved and lovable, but until YOU believe that, you won't feel it no matter who you're with.

I am so glad you found some humour in the darkness. Unicornfartland is utter bullshit and you know it now for reals!

Please don't waste another 10 years - time is so precious and life is too damn short to spend it tangoing with dickheads. Keep on steppin girl. The further you get from the walking dumpster fire that is your stbxwh, the better you'll feel.

Gottagetthrough posted 7/3/2020 09:31 AM

I guess the initial laughing and funny part has worn off. What he told me at first were oral sex, which I don’t know why didn’t seem as hurtful. He trickle truthed me and admitted to 3 other women, all full sex, all during that time he was with ow.

All in all he cheated with 5 women in a span of a year, and he said original ow he hated so much by about 3 months in to the affair but he didn’t know how to leave. (He was living at her house)

He did say some other stuff that made me happy, like how ow was insanely jealous of me and kept asking if he was sleeping with me I wouldn’t have touched him with a ten foot pole!

It is tough to leave. My therapist says I have learned helplessness where I know I’m in a crappy situation but I’m scared to leave the known. I had an appointment yesterday that got cancelled by the therapist but I have another on scheduled for Monday . I’m hoping to address a lot of issues and feel better about leaving.

Wh has recently had a manic episode and is calling me to say thank goodness I have your support, don’t divorce me... and I feel badly for him but I m just done picking up the pieces for him. I need to focus on me. I need to, but I’m not... ok such a mess and life is a bunch of bad things I can’t control right now .

EllieKMAS posted 7/3/2020 11:33 AM

Can I please just point out... He didn't cheat on the OW. He cheated on YOU, his WIFE.

Gotta, you gotta stop worrying about what the OW thinks. She's human garbage and isn't worth your time. And your wh is a horrible person. Please try to keep your conversations with him to kids, finances, and divorce logistics only. ANY other convo is just keeping you sucked into his vortex of complete bullshit.

'Learned helplessness'. Hmm. Ok. But do you want to be on SI 10 years from now because your DOUCHENUGGET of a wh is on OW number 27, wringing your hands over your supposed helplessness? Look I get it, the unknown IS scary. It is. But imho what is scarier is staying tied in with an abusive shithead and teaching your kids that marriage means putting up with this shit. What if someone was doing this to your daughter? How do your feelings about it feel then?

Point being, yes all of this is scary. It sucks. It's sad. But all that stops when you finally exit the ride. It's gonna take strength and courage, which I promise you you have in there.

Tallgirl posted 7/3/2020 11:44 AM

Ellie has a point.

The key thing you should take from this is that your WH is a piece of shit. Now more people have just experienced it.

Gottage, you are worth more than you give yourself credit for.

Hugs, free his ass hard.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 11:44 AM, July 3rd (Friday)]

nekonamida posted 7/3/2020 16:58 PM

Wh has recently had a manic episode and is calling me to say thank goodness I have your support, don’t divorce me... and I feel badly for him but I m just done picking up the pieces for him. I need to focus on me. I need to, but I’m not... ok such a mess and life is a bunch of bad things I can’t control right now .

YES! Don't pick up the phone. Send him straight to voicemail. Listen to it later after he's stopped harassing you if you must but DO NOT entertain him that you will take his calls and be the same doormat he's been wiping his feet on the last 10 years. You're better than that.

GGT, you CAN control many things right now. You can control whether you touch the green button or the red button when his name shows up as a call to your cell phone. You can control whether you believe his lies or not. You can control what path YOU take from this point forward no matter what he does or doesn't do. You can control whether you live with him, whether you stay his wife, and whether your life remains entangled with his. That is ALL you. Just like nothing excuses his choices to have whatever it was with this most recent OW, you too are responsible for any choices you make regarding him.

No one is saying this is easy. It's not. But many good things in life are not easy. Getting a degree, having a career, raising a family, being healthy in mind, body, and soul tends not to be easy. None of that stopped you from doing some of those difficult things so the only person holding you back from a healthy, authentic, abuse free future is you. Don't stand in your own way. Make the right choices starting now.

barcher144 posted 7/4/2020 07:52 AM

You CHEATED on OW!!

Yep.

This is a reminder that infidelity often has little/nothing to do with the betrayed spouse... it's 100% on the wayward spouse.

My STBXW has been cheating on her new boyfriend too.

aprilfool1985 posted 7/4/2020 09:53 AM

Dear Gotta!

it scares me to think of a life without love.

Please take some time to really interrogate this belief! Being in a partnered relationship is not required for a happy life!
I would suggest doing some expressive writing on this topic, and on how you associate your self-worth with your physical appearance.

Women are socialized to make that link very strongly. As a person without conventional beauty, I thought that I needed to contribute more to the relationship to make up for my lack of beauty.

Best wishes to you -