"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

fooled13years posted 7/10/2020 13:31 PM

I saw in a post on the wayward side, marked so BS can't post, a statement made by a person which read:

I want SO MUCH to never be tempted again

IMHO, it is a fantasy to think that someone would never be tempted again.

Whether the temptation is to have an emotional or physical affair, or my personal nemesis whether to have another slice of dessert (I have a terrible sweet tooth), it is not that you are tempted but how you handle that temptation.

Chaos posted 7/10/2020 13:32 PM

Temptation isn't the issue. How one handles it is.

nekonamida posted 7/10/2020 13:50 PM

Temptation is everywhere if you look for it and even if you're not looking for it. There will always be that flirty message you get on social media. There will always be that coworker who is a little too close. There will even be that scumbag who propositions you knowing you're married every now and then. Unless you live in a cave and never go out in society again, temptation will always be there.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 7/11/2020 10:49 AM

That's the difference between a person with a cheating mindset and one who isn't.

I can only speak from a woman's point of view. I read some of the stories of the new WW's in here...and I had similar experiences with some men like the ones who became their adultery co-conspirator. Only...I could tell that the men I had encounters with were "fishing". Anyone who knows you are married but still flirts with you does NOT have integrity. I knew enough to cut them off quickly.

I have had insecurity issues...self doubts...and certain other factors that are common reasons why WW's have said they chose to cheat...but I ALWAYS knew my worth...if that makes sense. I was MARRIED...and adultery was OFF the table...period.

I have seen MANY WW's on here change their mindset...and that gives me HOPE for them and their M's . I have seen that mindset change in my H also. We are on the same path now in regards to being faithful to each other...and I don't give a thought anymore about temptation . This experience with all temptations has actually helped me to combat my nemesis...CHOCOLATE !!!

Rideitout posted 7/11/2020 20:47 PM

IMHO, it is a fantasy to think that someone would never be tempted again.

I agree. But it's not fantasy to build a life that minimizes those temptations and makes it very, very difficult to act on them. That's what I try to do, I minimize contact as much as possible with women I find attractive (tempting). I have a strict no 1-1 rule with women at work, both for my personal/professional safety but also because I don't want to even give the hint that I'm "open to it". I don't return any chats/messages I get on social media from women that are't work related (LinkedIn, for example). Sure, some of those women "tempt" me in that they are physically attractive, but it's a LONG road from there to an affair. My thought is, the longer I can make that road, the more difficult I can make it for myself, the less likely it is to happen.

For women, it's a bit different; I'm sure a lot of women here have guys numbers who they could call tonight, offer sex, and have a PA before the evening was out. It's a much shorter road from "desire" to actually making it happen for many women, so, IMHO, that makes it doubly important to try to cut temptations out of your life.

OwningItNow posted 7/12/2020 00:14 AM

it is not that you are tempted but how you handle that temptation.

I want SO MUCH to never be tempted again

This is the victim mentality. Things happen to me. What am I supposed to do? It's not fair.

Whenever things happen to you:

Relationship misery
Job unhappiness
Friend drama
Depression
Loneliness
Keep wanting to cheat!

You need to look at yourself--not in blame, for god's sake! Not in judgment of your loser status! But in curiosity and solution, because you are the driver of your life, the ONLY one in charge of your life. And you have zero control over anyone else's, so understanding yourself and the role you play is imperative to having the life you want.

But many, many people prefer the "Why is MY life so hard? No fair! I get SO tempted!" line of thinking. It sure is easier than trying to do something about it. Whimps.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 12:38 AM, July 12th (Sunday)]

secondtime posted 7/12/2020 00:18 AM

There will always be that flirty message you get on social media. There will always be that coworker who is a little too close. There will even be that scumbag who propositions you knowing you're married every now and then. Unless you live in a cave and never go out in society again, temptation will always be there.

Hmmm...I don't live in a cave. I have four kids and work two jobs. I'm active in the kids' school and usually I support them in some way in their activities. I also go to grad school. And, I have old lady hobbies.

Social media is a time waster. I post here and on a financial board. I'm not on facebook, insta, anything else. I even use my phone as a *phone* and not a means of entertainment. My time is a finite, precious resource to me...

The department I work for is interesting. Mostly lifers. My immediate team is mostly made of women..and since I'm not bisexual...that's not an issue. The rest of my department is made up of old men, that are my parents age or older (meaning they have 25-30 years on me). I work in the public sector, so business trips aren't really a thing. Going out for drinks after work isn't a thing, either. Nor are lunches. Again, it goes back to that time wasting thing...and being public sector, the rules are different on how to get ahead.

I'm also the primary breadwinner of my family...which I take seriously enough to realize I shouldn't shit where I eat. So I don't. My husband makes 20K a year...that's not quite enough to provide for a family of 6.

I've been the den leader for two of my kids now. Which means, I'm around men. It is insulting that one would suggest that I'm tempted to bone one of these dads, when the purpose of me being a den leader and taking my kids camping is to get my kids outdoors doing things together as a family. I'm not aiming to be a crappy parent by using my kids for extra opportunities to be noticed/tempted/laid by the opposite sex.

I'm also on the athletic board at my kids school. I'm mostly interacting with dads, there, too. I've been doing it for 6 years now. Not been tempted.

I'll be 60 when my last kid graduates HS. After parenting minor kids for 30 years, I want to do my old lady hobbies more and spend a whole lot more time doing volunteer work, like working in the community gardens where folks raise food that goes directly into food pantries, or work at food banks. The first time my son and I worked at a food bank, we repacked ham into 3lb bags for four hours. I assure you, stinking of ham juice that doesn't even go away after one showers does not make one look tempting. Or being stinky and sweaty and in grubby clothes while working in the community gardens.

Goodness. I don't understand how the assumption is made that if you want to be a decent human being, you have to live in a cave.

I certainly don't. I think I'm rather decent.

achilles1101 posted 7/12/2020 01:46 AM

I don't get why this is so difficult. I am struggling with my wife's infidelity, but would never cheat on her.

Love means never having to say goodbye.

While I could never cheat on her, I also limit any opportunities, I keep other women at arms length, and never put myself in a position where something could happen if I was weak or our relationship was struggling. Seems pretty easy. I don't know

LadyG posted 7/12/2020 02:25 AM

Willpower and sticking to your own moral code.

Even before WH’s last A, I discussed openly with him that even after 30+ years of marriage I have never been tempted to A.

Silly me, especially in the early years of our marriage, I would tell WH if anyone hit on me. Especially if it was a person in our friend circle. We were all married couples and I found it offensive if another husband flirted or propositioned me. I immediately thought of their wife and my WH.

WH has no willpower, he will replace one addiction with another. While I will never allow myself to be an addict. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was trawling through dating sites even now, as he also suffers from fear of missing out.

jb3199 posted 7/12/2020 02:43 AM

I want SO MUCH to never be tempted again

Wow, is that an unhealthy way to deal with life. It's sooo much easier to take away the temptations instead of installing healthy boundaries.

Can't somebody else just solve my problems?

In all fairness, I have not read the post where this came from. I'm simply going on the statement that was given.

OwningItNow posted 7/12/2020 03:55 AM

Seems pretty easy. I don't know

It is easy. If you want to stay faithful. They did not want to be faithful. Their excuses don't matter.

WhoTheBleep posted 7/12/2020 06:04 AM

Rideitout nailed it. That is exactly how I operate. When you keep these boundaries, you never even get to the point of "temptation."

If you are tempted, your boundaries are shit. Ask yourself, why have you ALLOWED your mind to go there?