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divorce proceeding

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Vonbock posted 9/2/2020 15:35 PM

I am now proceeding with divorce. YOu can read about it in the just found out board.

Now it is proceeding and I am getting those thoughts again that it was my fault. Did I joke around about things that she was upset about but she didn't tell me she didn't like it? Was I not there when she needed me? Did it cause a strain in the marriage that made her go the cheat route?

DId anyone go through this several times as divorce proceeds?

[This message edited by Vonbock at 3:36 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday)]

EllieKMAS posted 9/2/2020 15:44 PM

VB, you did not MAKE her cheat. Period.

I know how hard it is to wrap your mind around it, but there is nothing you did or didn't do, or did or didn't say that made her cheat. She cheated because she is broken somewhere in herself. And if you weren't perfect.... so? You're human and perfection ain't part of that.

It's okay to have thoughts like that. Divorce is a big change and it takes adjustment. And even when you know it's the right call to make, it is still hard and heart-wrenching.

Vonbock posted 9/2/2020 16:31 PM

So its ok to have thoughts all over the place as I proceed through divorce.

EllieKMAS posted 9/2/2020 17:02 PM

So its ok to have thoughts all over the place as I proceed through divorce.
Oh yes. IMHO this is completely normal!

The1stWife posted 9/3/2020 04:08 AM

It will be a freeing day when you can look at your spouse and realize it never - ever - had anything to do with you and everything to do with their poor choices.

tushnurse posted 9/3/2020 07:52 AM

Recovering from infidelity is like a double whammy of grief and the healing process is not linear.

Read up on the stages of grief. You are simultaneously mourning the death of your M, and also dealing with the biggest betrayal of your life. It is normal to have all kinds of irrational thoughts, but it is also up to you to re-center yourself and replace any negative doubtful thoughts with positive ones about who you are and the kind of man you are. If you are truly struggling w/ this, please consider a little bit of therapy. More like guidance on how to heal from this in a healthy way.

Butforthegrace posted 9/3/2020 08:00 AM

DId anyone go through this several times as divorce proceeds?

These thoughts are 100% normal and extremely common.

Vonbock posted 9/3/2020 11:38 AM

Thanks everyone. She is using the kids as pawns and everytime I have to communicate with her about the children school. It throws me off into anger towards her. Did everyone else have these feelings too?

99problems posted 9/3/2020 12:00 PM

Daily friend. Daily. Try not to be reactive. Study the 180. Give her nothing.
The anger is normal.

Phoenix1 posted 9/3/2020 13:11 PM

Totally normal to have these feelings. NC as much as possible. This will help you emotionally detach. When you must engage regarding kids or necessary finances, go gray rock (you can Google it). That means no reaction. No emotions. No insight into your thoughts and feelings. No idle chit chat. The briefest of responses - yes, no, etc. Be a boring gray rock to your WW, and stick with it.

Vonbock posted 9/3/2020 14:13 PM

Thanks everyone. I am sitting hear now, trying to see patients, but my mind gets angry thinking how she was cheating on me at a particular time . Then thinking how she was planning screw me over before the divroce. My anger to get her back as much as possible.

Vonbock posted 9/11/2020 11:48 AM

LAst night I had 3 dreams in a row about her infidelity and the divorce. Almost mightmare like. DId everyone go through this?

All of a sudden this am, my brain starts thinking about all the stuff she did to me with her Narcissism and I kept repeating did she only do it to me or she would have done this to all guys including her current BF.

leafields posted 9/11/2020 16:00 PM

Yes, but these should get better over time. I used to have nightmares 3-4 times per week. After about a year, it was closer to 4 per month. I've been in therapy with a new IC, and haven't had a nightmare in 3 weeks.

Mostly, they involve STBXWH and AP chasing me with knives or trying to run me over with the car.

I'm 2 years out and still have trouble with concentration. My IC is a trauma specialist, so I'm hopeful that our work will help with this. For me, it's part of the trauma.

smolderingdark posted 9/12/2020 21:40 PM

Survive each day as it comes. You will suffer many, many more dark days before this ordeal is over.

Do not despair. For now focus on the well being of yourself and your kids.

The1stWife posted 9/13/2020 05:27 AM

Good question about whether she will do this to others or her current BF. The unfortunate answer is yes she will.

People are there for their use only and Narcissistic traits donít include feelings or emotions. They use people and when they are finished they toss those people aside. If you are not useful to them then there is no reason to keep you around.

Every reaction and feeling you have is normal. It takes time to process all if it. You now see your wife without your rose colored glasses on so to speak. Itís shocking how different your once loving wife is now that sheís cheating etc.

Give it time. You will process all of it and see things very clearly. Itís hard to accept someone we love can be so cruel but itís not personal (to her warped mind). She needs to win (whatever that means in her mind ) no matter what.

OwningItNow posted 9/13/2020 07:35 AM

Vonbock, in one of your posts in your long thread you said about your wife as she taunted you, "Her eyes were so evil." The eyes of a narcissist as they hurt and discard you reveal a darkness and deadness that makes me shudder to this day. To know and love someone and then witness these eyes look at you without a spark of life makes you ask, "Who are you? Where is the person I knew?" How can that deadness ever be your fault? That type of evil is a part of who she is, a part she hid from you, and it has nothing to do with you. Of course you would have nightmares at the realization that someone so close to you can hurt you and attack you this way. I hope you feel some peace soon.

steadychevy posted 9/13/2020 07:42 AM

Yes, I went through the nightmare stage, Vonbock. It's pretty normal, I think. I think it's normal for a lot of survivors of trauma and adultery is an especially hideous trauma.

The worst one for me was sitting in a chair unable to move or speak with her and him in bed, him on top, looking at me and laughing, kissing and fucking. I remember the nightmare, waking up drenched with sweat, but haven't had a nightmare in a very long time. I believe I know the source of the nightmare. XWW and he did presentations on a new program in front of me (and 250 others), were at a group meal with XWW with me and him there with about 10 others and XWW took me to a team BBQ at his place with several dozen other staff and their mates and SOs.

The nightmares have stopped, Vonbock, for me. They will for you, too. However, I think about her adultery (4 years of it) everyday. Others farther out that me have said the same thing. It doesn't cripple me anymore. I just wonder who she is. What was she thinking while we were achieving our dream together and expecting me to never find out and retire together as planned (living the life)? Unanswerable.

Your trauma is so recent and you are moving along so fast. Keep going through it. It is the only way. It takes a long time to heal. The common saying is 2 to 5 years. That's whether you R or D. It's hard to say exactly healing will start. For me it was when we finally separated. That was 3 years ago later this month. You haven't started yet, IMO, and are constantly bombarded by events that won't let you yet.

Wishing you clarity of thought and strength of mind as you work your way through this.

Vonbock posted 9/14/2020 23:38 PM

Yes I realized she has been cheating for 10 years of our marriage.

For everyone after divorce, did they hate their cheating spouse for long periods afterwards?I will always hate for her life.

One friend sqid to move on, dont worry about her, forgive yourself for mistakenly trusting her. You don't have to stop hating her, just forgive yourself.

99problems posted 9/15/2020 03:27 AM

I will never have another emotion toward the mother of my child than hate. Maybe I can have no emotion, equaling indifference, but if I have an emotion towards her it will be hate.
It's very complicated but since I have seen all of her secret correspondence about me to her friends, family, and lovers, I cannot feel another way.

I would have liked to have a amicable divorce. That is the way I have always seen myself being in such a situation.
But there is no forgiveness in my heart for the person my stbxww has proven, over and over, to be.
I only hope that I can forgive myself for fathering a child with this person that will be the mother of my beautiful, innocent, intelligent and wonderful daughter for an indeterminate period of time. My daughter deserves so much more.

Sceadugenga posted 9/15/2020 11:15 AM

"Her eyes were so evil." The eyes of a narcissist as they hurt and discard you reveal a darkness and deadness that makes me shudder to this day. To know and love someone and then witness these eyes look at you without a spark of life

Seems very much like narcissistic rage. It needn't be rage per se (as in, sudden explosion of anger), but you can feel the person seething with fury. Empty, cold and glassy stare. I've seen it twice in my life, and while I'm a dead set rationalistic atheist, for those two brief moments I came close to what more spiritually-minded folks could describe as demonic possession. Still makes me shudder.

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