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divorce proceeding

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OwningItNow posted 9/15/2020 17:45 PM

My daughter deserves so much more.

One daughter? Why do you always speak of the kids? What is your WW's history before you?

Candyman66 posted 9/15/2020 18:04 PM

Just so you know it's been over for over 45 years and my kids are severely disappointed that I still hate her. However they were too young to know then and don't want to hear the story so I guess they will stay disappointed.

JMO YMMV

phmh posted 9/15/2020 20:38 PM

Are you in IC at all? If not, I highly recommend it. With the caveat that I don't have any kids with him and therefore haven't had contact with him in over 8 years, I am indifferent toward my WXH. Holding on to active hate is just exhausting and takes away attention from what you should be focusing on - making the best possible life for yourself and your kid(s), if you have them. Make your life even better than it was with her.

The old saying that the best revenge is a life well-lived is so true. The opposite of love isn't hate. The opposite is indifferent. She no longer matters, but by hating her, she gets a starring role in your life.

Vonbock posted 9/16/2020 19:50 PM

After the divorce, I want to be that ex spouse that is passive aggressive on the cheating wife and new boyfriend. Of course I am not even going to look at AP and I will give my wife the look of disdain when I pick up the kids. Any other ways to be passive aggressive towards cheating ex wife.

Sceadugenga posted 9/17/2020 11:40 AM

Don't be passive aggressive, just be indifferent/civil without any attempts at friendliness. She'll use any emotional reaction from you (including passive aggressiveness) as narcissistic supply. Look up narcissistic supply and the grey rock method in your free time.

Freeme posted 9/17/2020 12:30 PM

Your WW is a Narc so indiference is a far better reaction... fake it until you make it.

Picture the following and really think about which one would have the larger impact on your WW.

You are picking up the kids from WW and as you briefly go over a few kid info you show your WW that you are still disgusted with her. That you don't even like being around her and you don't make eye contact with OM... Of course WW see's this and point it out. "Why can't we be civil?" Why are you being childish? Guess where AP and I are going next???

- OR - Same set up you are picking the kids up.
You arrive super excited to see your kids and have them with you. While you and your WW exchange kid information you watch and smile at your kids. Your WW starts trying to push your buttons talking about AP or money.... You tell her happily if it has to do with the kids to put it in an email -- that you are really busy and have to go.

The second one will kill her. She will see your distain as you still having feeling for her and will thrive on it and push your buttons further. Showing that all your interest is in the kids ... will show that she has lost control of you.


KingofNothing posted 9/18/2020 07:33 AM

For everyone after divorce, did they hate their cheating spouse for long periods afterwards?I will always hate for her life.

You won't hate her forever after you divorce. You just won't. Once you live in separate places and the horrors of her behavior in the last ten years start to fade away, you will achieve something remarkably akin to blessed indifference. This is something you need to aim for, and start early by adapting a strict 180 approach to handling her shit from now on. Some day, not soon, but some day, you'll be able to pass her on the street and just wave as she goes by. THAT is what I mean by blessed indifference.

Like you, I had reason to hate my spouse. A lot of anger, a lot of humiliation, a lot of being treated like an afterthought and a convenient paycheck to fund her fun. The thing was, I didn't want to be that guy any more. Carrying that hatred around was a heavy burden.. and it exacts a heavy toll on your health-- mental and physical, and on the people around you. So I worked on it. Went to counseling. This was hard on me because I've always been too proud to admit I needed it. I took up yoga (not very successfully) and meditation (more successfully). I went to my doctor and got stuff to help me sleep on the bad days (again, my pride gets in the way-- I hate taking medication). Eventually, I arrived at a point where her antics don't even bother me any more. She's a part of the past. Not a very wise part, but I have two children I love and am proud of, so I can't say it was all terrible all the time.

Of couse, for you, right now, this is meaningless psychobabble. You have a long way to go. Consider meditation. Do something at night to make yourself calm down. I like the Calm app (plays on an iphone). I also play ocean waves in my room when I'm too tense to sleep (over google assistant). That knocks me right out. That's the point, you're a smart guy under that angst. You'll figure out ways to cope. Humans always do.

Vonbock posted 9/18/2020 20:59 PM

I know that I am nearly reaching indifference. But I still want to do as previous poster said, go pick up kids, be happy to see kids, but then ignore with evil eye the wife and the ap.

She knows at our last talk I will always have a grudge against her.

Vonbock posted 9/20/2020 16:52 PM

I am trying to reach that stage of indifference each day.

But the other side of my brain, not only did she cheat but she almost tricked me into doing illegal money exchanges, almost tricked.me into closing my.practice and making buy her a house near her boyfriend using child transfer custody laws to prepare for.divorce. if i don't move, she cant move near her boyfriend due to children current school situation. I have to move along to fulfill the plan.

Can my brain ever go indifferent to this situation? In other words can I be like.james.bond and be indifferent to a woman who just tried to harm him?

KingofNothing posted 9/21/2020 00:11 AM

In other words can I be like.james.bond and be indifferent to a woman who just tried to harm him?

Yes, actually you can achieve that level of glacial indifference. There's a lot of pain and perfidy in your background. I'm sure it hurts, very much. The thing is, you have not experienced a situation that is that much different (although everybody IS different) than many of the people on this board. My wife didn't engage in illegal money laundering, but she did some pretty heinous shit. I thought I'd hate her forever. I spent a year or two very angry and moping about, drinking too much, and gradually, with the help of a good therapist and great friends, I let her go. I couldn't control what she did or who she was doing with. It was no longer my worry, my business. Gradually, though, I realized that ultimately, I was free of that pain, free of her control.. and totally in charge of my own life. I did not dread coming home every night. I took up new things. I met new people. I didn't go hog wild pursuing new women, but I did see a few. Somehow, oddly enough, I found something like happiness was returning to my life, and most of a day would go by and she wouldn't even enter my head. At all. Nowadays, it's all in the past. I don't hate her. I don't want to. Sure, she wronged me. I wasn't a perfect husband but I surely didn't deserve any of it, and she never apologized. I moved on from fury to acceptance, and I finally let her go. I'm even cordial to her now, in a distant way.

Westway posted 9/21/2020 17:51 PM

Thanks everyone. She is using the kids as pawns and everytime I have to communicate with her about the children school. It throws me off into anger towards her. Did everyone else have these feelings too?

Yep.

Last night I had 3 dreams in a row about her infidelity and the divorce. Almost nightmare like. Did everyone go through this?

Yep.

[This message edited by Westway at 5:53 PM, September 21st (Monday)]

Vonbock posted 9/23/2020 08:37 AM

I now am having dreams and flashbacks of her multiple times telling me lets be cvil with each other for the children's sake. Why cant we just down and be civil with each other rather than using lawyers. Are you sure you go down the bitter divorce route because we won't be civil with each other.

I feel like she planned all these bad things against me and she couldn't , so lets just be civil with each other now. Is this just another manipulation ploy? I have every right to be angry right and not be civil?
I am not going to cuss her out but I am only going to 180 her the rest of my life.

[This message edited by Vonbock at 8:38 AM, September 23rd (Wednesday)]

99problems posted 9/23/2020 11:24 AM

Yeah, I can't do the "civil" thing with my STBXW.
I tried, but she is simply too manipulative and awful for me to put up with.
NC except for short text messages about custody is where we are at. Child exchange is at school or we wait out in front of each other's house for the kid to come out.
We really don't need to communicate at all, I have discovered. We would just disagree about everything regarding parenting anyway.
And its really nice not to have to talk to her anymore. It has allowed me space to heal from things that I really needed years ago.

blahblahblahe posted 9/23/2020 11:40 AM

Your STXW is proving exactly why you pay for very competent lawyers, accountants, and planners.

They are worth their weight in gold.

Every moment of kindness you show during this divorce process is a moment that shall be used against you in my opinion.

squid posted 9/24/2020 12:14 PM

Be polite and civil. Giving her the evil eye only shows her she has power over you.

Like others say, shoot for indifference. Even if you have to fake it. I know it's early out, but you are allowing her too much of your head space. IC can help you with that.

Vonbock posted 9/24/2020 23:43 PM

Like others say, shoot for indifference. Even if you have to fake it. I know it's early out, but you are allowing her too much of your head space. IC can help you with that.


I wouldn't mind IC but my wife threatened me that she is going to use the mental diagnosis on me so I don't get the kids at all if I use a lawyer. I don't want to do anything she can use.

[This message edited by Vonbock at 11:44 PM, September 24th (Thursday)]

squid posted 9/24/2020 23:54 PM

Stop listening to her narrative. It isn't based on reality.

Unless she gets an official diagnosis from a mental health professional that you are unstable, anything she alleges won't hold up. Given your circumstances, a judge would not look unfavorably if you thought you needed IC to help you manage your thoughts.

It would be easy to throw it back in her face, give her behavior thus far. But that would only embolden her more. Go for IC if you want. Just don't tell her. But it honestly should have no bearing on the outcome for you.

You are a healthcare professional that has experienced emotional trauma and is under great stress. You are allowed to take care of yourself.

Vonbock posted 9/25/2020 11:49 AM

I am think I am healing up on my own pretty well. The main flashbacks I have now of her is the attempting to make me move out of house, trying to make me move to a house near her bf, and cheating on me for years, then to come back and said lets be friends and civil after the divorce. Almost like, I did and tried to screw your life over more but I couldn't, so now lets be friends and cordial with each other like nothing happened.

Vonbock posted 9/25/2020 21:07 PM

I am hitting the stage of indiffeence but now I am.anxious of the upcoming divorce. My lawyer thinks this is going tonyrial since we are so polarized. I don't thinkni can dle.6.months to a year of trial. The stress, the worries, getting on e stand. Gopefully we have enough leverage against her sonshe settles quickly and gives me favoreable terms.

OwningItNow posted 9/26/2020 03:07 AM

Have you heard of the book Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline Or Narcissistic Personality Disorder? I highly recommend it for people divorcing horrible, mean spouses like yours. It has a lot of good info to help prepare you.

I'm very sorry, Vonbock. You will survive this and have a great life. This is just a bump in the road.

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