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divorce proceeding

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thatbpguy posted 10/1/2020 15:47 PM

Any other ways to be passive aggressive towards cheating ex wife.

Always take a day or two to get back to any communication.

Vonbock posted 10/1/2020 21:07 PM

I like above.

I have to take this stupid online parenting class for soon to be divorced couples.

Yea if couples didn't work out, then its OK.
I am supposed to treat someone who cheated, manipulated, tried to make.me shut down the practice and buy a house near her bf house, tried to maken me invest in her llcs, make me write cash for checks, and be friends after divorce sonshe so she can keep me a backup, this course doesn't apply to me.

blahblahblahe posted 10/1/2020 21:51 PM

I am so worried about the mediation, what she is going to throw at me, etc.

Doesn't matter what she throws at you in mediation, its a negotiation not a trial, only decisions that can occur are ones you agree to and sign off on.

It usually is the moment they have to get real with their demands, and where you can agree, compromise or tell them to pound sand.

MickeyBill2016 posted 10/1/2020 22:29 PM

I am so worried about the mediation, what she is going to throw at me, etc.

The mediator politely implied that my XW was either joking, confused or off her rocker for a few of the things she asked for.
The mediator is there to make things fair and legal. That is the least of your worries

leafields posted 10/2/2020 22:57 PM

What do you know about flat affect? That's what you need to do when you interact with your WW. Never let her see you sweat. She feeds off sparking an emotional response.

A lot of your anxiety can be due to the emotional abuse that a narc puts you through. (My STBXWH was diagnosed as NPD tendencies with passive aggressive traits.) Also, it can be part of the fight, flight or freeze issues that can happen from betrayal trauma.

The1stWife posted 10/3/2020 06:16 AM

The mediator politely implied that my XW was either joking, confused or off her rocker for a few of the things she asked for.

Love the “off her rocker” line. Hilarious.

Good moment when someone calls people on their crap.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:17 AM, October 3rd (Saturday)]

squid posted 10/3/2020 06:24 AM

Like it or not, you are going to have to interact with your STBXWW in some capacity as co-parents. It's in the best interest of your kids that you do so in as civil a manner as possible. No "evil eye" stuff that you mentioned before.

There will also likely be a time when her BF will interact with your kids too.

Yet another gift of a shit-sandwich that keeps on giving.

Always take the high-road.

twinkie posted 10/3/2020 06:51 AM

I have not posted in some time, but here you s my experience with divorcing a narcissist . We tried to use moderation . It did not work. We offered settlement proposals and got no response. On the day of court they wanted to negotiate . We actually came up with a settlement. It was presented to the judge and HE refused to sign it. The judge then reworked the settlement right there. His settlement favored me. After that the judge ripped opposing attorney and the ex. They had to stand there in front of a packed courtroom and listen to what he had to say! It was great! BTW the divorce should have been final in 90 days and the ex drug it out for 2 years!

Vonbock posted 10/5/2020 08:30 AM

As the divorce keeps going. I keep ruminating but I know everyone on here says dont do it.
Even if i was bad bad husband, I never hit her or verbally abused her, why would someone devastate a husband, break up family, turn the kids into divorced kids, try to trick husband into buying a house near bf, trick husband into buying 11 rental homes for her llc, ruin her reputation among other professionals, devastate her business since i wont send any more patients to her, and ruin her reputation as a female cheater all for a bf?

This bf better be the biggest knight in shining armor in history.

[This message edited by Vonbock at 8:31 AM, October 5th (Monday)]

Vonbock posted 10/5/2020 16:27 PM

Like it or not, you are going to have to interact with your STBXWW in some capacity as co-parents. It's in the best interest of your kids that you do so in as civil a manner as possible. No "evil eye" stuff that you mentioned before.
There will also likely be a time when her BF will interact with your kids too.

Yet another gift of a shit-sandwich that keeps on giving.

Always take the high-road.


My question is this . If a spouse tried to take advanatge of you,destroy your life and put you on the side of the road. You find out and stop it. Then she says well, since I couldn't backstab you, lets be friends.
Am I supposed to be civil with this person?

Freeme posted 10/5/2020 17:43 PM

I agree that the behavior your WW has shown you is over the top. I also believe she is a Narcissistic.. this means you might have to play "nice" until the divorce is over with.

If she's a Narcissistic its best not to try to figure out how a person could do the things she's done and just accept that she's very ill. It doesnt' matter if you were the perfect husband... a Narcissistic is going to want more... is going to blame you...

Anyway the point of this post is to say no you shouldn't have to pretend to be her friend and play nice but... it might be easier to do until the divorce is over.

I'm still wondering how she is going to react when she finds out you are having her accounts looked at. When she finds out she isnt' getting everything she wants, when she realizes people know about her affair....
Please becareful and keep your VAR on when in the house with her.

Pandora16 posted 10/5/2020 22:12 PM

My advice is to do your best to be as neutral as possible with your wife. If you have a strong reaction to her, she will see that as winning and that she has a measure of control over you. Narcissists hate not being able to get a reaction from you. They feed off your emotional response. Deprive her of it, and you end up ahead.

As far as interactions, you should look into co-parenting apps that will allow you both to communicate and schedule stuff for the kids without having to actually speak. Plus, if your ex gets nasty, the app keeps a record of it.

The anger will get better. You’ll eventually realize how pathetic she is and that she’s not even worth getting angry over.

Vonbock posted 10/6/2020 08:44 AM

I think after reading an article, I can rationalize this to help me mentally. As a narcassist, she is going to do all the things narcassists do to me. I just happened to run across her path. Smear campaign, narcassist silent treatment, manipulation, no empathy for me in trying to buy her houses and shutting my practice down.

She is going to do this to everyone not just me. I should not take this personally. This is her of her way of mental thinking. If i can accept that she is a broken person, then it is easier to accept the things she did.
Does this sound OK to think this way?

DevastatedDee posted 10/6/2020 10:46 AM

She is going to do this to everyone not just me. I should not take this personally. This is her of her way of mental thinking. If i can accept that she is a broken person, then it is easier to accept the things she did.
Does this sound OK to think this way?

I think so. It helped me when I really gained clarity on who my XWH was. His words and manipulations could confuse me, but when I used the rational part of my mind to put him in a disordered box, in a way, that helped me detach from caring what he thought of or said about me. Some people are going to be the victim in any situation no matter what the facts are. It isn't you and it wasn't me.

src9043 posted 10/6/2020 15:51 PM

It is difficult to be civil to the cheating ex-wife, but if there are kids, you have to try and suck it up for their well being. I did that, but it wasn't easy. I feel like I mortgaged part of my soul in doing it. But, in the end, it worked out quite well for my son. Thirty-five years later I am having flashbacks of her behavior which was quite terrible through almost all of our 10-year marriage. Lately, I found out she is going around telling people that her mother forced her to marry me and that she knew the marriage was over once her father died. These revisionist statements have opened old wounds. But, now I don't have to or intend to be nice or keep my mouth shut.

Vonbock posted 10/6/2020 17:27 PM

Wow, src.
YOu have the same marriage except I have 3 kids.
35 years later you still have flashbacks? Did you find someone else and did it help with decreasing the flashbacks?
FOr sure, I will tell the kids once they are mature enough that mommy cheated multiple times on daddy so daddy could not keep the marriage together. Mommy let the marriage down.

I wish that that is all she would say about me like your ex. She went on the narcisstic smear campaign years prior telling people how bad I am, pathetic,bad husband, etc. to give her a way out to cheat and look good.


[This message edited by Vonbock at 5:27 PM, October 6th (Tuesday)]

Freeme posted 10/8/2020 08:23 AM

If you were to ask her I'm sure she will say that it is to save money... for the kids.

She's a Narcissistic so I"m sure it has to do with control...
She might think that you aren't going to "fight" her on anything ... because you've been easy to manipulate in the past. If she doesn't get what she wants she might plan to "walk out" ... walking out on a 30 min meeting is cheaper than a one hour meeting. Less time for you to ask questions, get information...

I've read on SI where they keep the BS and WW in seperate rooms during mediation. I know you are still living together but ... remember that's an option if things get too crazy.

I still think she is hideing something big that she doesn't want you to find out about before the divorced.

opps - I thought I wrote this in your JFO thread... For context my reply -Has to do with your WW trying to make mediation 30 minutes rather than an hour.

[This message edited by Freeme at 9:46 AM, October 8th (Thursday)]

leafields posted 10/27/2020 21:43 PM

How are things going, Vonbock? Hope you're doing ok.

pureheartkit posted 10/28/2020 10:34 AM

If you look for videos on narcissists you will see that they never admit to being that person.

All the things you listed that she has tried she thinks it's what she deserves. She has no empathy.

Passive aggressive wont work with her. Narcissists hate to be ignored. Hate to be irrelevant.

That's the way to frustrate her. Let your lawyer get the best for you and you act like she's hardly there at all.

Bigger posted 10/28/2020 10:57 AM

You don’t divorce from someone you like.
Don’t think anyone is suggesting you and your wife remain friends or share Christmas cards. What we are suggesting is that keeping the divorce business-like and focused will get you the quickest and least costly resolution.
Once divorced then its better for everyone if you can be amicable at hand-offs, school plays, parent interviews and all that, but nobody is suggesting you two sit down to shoot the breeze.

Yeah, we get what she did and what she tried to do, but that’s precisely why you are divorcing.

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