Jaybee2020 posted 9/17/2020 09:26 AM

Whats up eveyone,
Yesterday my WW found out that her AP is no longer working at their company. They have been working from home since quarantine and eventually will need to return to the building.
Should I let her go back? 🤔🤔

Mrhealed posted 9/17/2020 09:28 AM

It depends.

Who esle knew about her A at work?
Is there any chance OM Will Contact her at work, even OM not working tehre any more?
Also, very important, does It triggers you?

Chaos posted 9/17/2020 09:29 AM

Before I weigh in on an opinion how did your WW find out that AP was no longer working there and why did whoever informed her think she'd want to know?

HellFire posted 9/17/2020 09:30 AM

^^This^^

And, have you verified this to be true?

WilliamM posted 9/17/2020 09:50 AM

This is a tricky question. Who there at the job knew she was having an affair? If she was not in contact with the AP to learn he no longer worked there, who does she know at the job that informed her of this? That person knows of the affair and knew that him leaving the job was something that she would want to know. If this is true, is this person someone that helped her and encouraged the affair? The best thing to do is for her to leave the job and find a new one because, to me, there may be someone there that is not a friend to the marriage and that knows of the affair and the AP. Also, has your wife been keeping track of him? Following him on facebook or something like that?

Jaybee2020 posted 9/17/2020 10:20 AM

Well, since they have been working from home the employees there use Skype to communicate with each other and there is a "master list" if you will that shows who all is there.
On a different post of mine, I talked about how I caught my WW looking this guys up on social media. Which also bothers me

36yearsgone posted 9/17/2020 13:07 PM

If your WW is truly repentant, her new found attitude should be to make decisions that facilitate your recovery and strengthen your marriage.

Personally, I think the decision on whether to return to her employment should be all hers. Her choice and her decision will tell you a lot about the future of your marriage.

I insisted that my wife quit. The very next day she flew out of town. In hindsight I think I should've left the choice to her so I can come to a mental resolution much quicker than I did.

hikingout posted 9/17/2020 13:18 PM

As the WW, I would say it would have been whatever my husband preferred if I wanted to keep my marriage.

I would say if he doesn't work there and you don't have any issue, I don't see why not. If everyone there enabled it, then I can see why you would want her to leave.

If she makes a good living there and it would be a job hard to replace, and you feel comfortable that the AP is gone then I wouldn't see a lot of hindrance. In fact, it could be a hardship for you and any kids you may have. You didn't really state why you would not want her to return.

I do not think a WS and an AP should work together. With him removed, you would need to elaborate for any one to advise you well. Is it that you just want to see she would give it up to prove she wants to be with you?

Also, if she left this workplace and needed to go to another one would you really feel better? I would bet no. This is more a product of the broken trust rather than the specific situation at hand. In today's world, a lot of times both the husband and wife has to work in order to make ends meet. You might find that all you have done is put your wife in a situation where she now has less vacation and sick time, less pay, and you don't feel any better.

sisoon posted 9/17/2020 13:52 PM

I think you need to reframe your thinking.

I agree with 36, if I read his post correctly. You create your boundaries. You tell your W what your boundaries are. She chooses her course of action. You respond.

If you want her to find a new job, my reco is to ask her to do so. Her response to your request will tell you something about the possibilities in your future.

Jaybee2020 posted 9/22/2020 08:29 AM

Ya i do agree with 36, when the time gets closer for her to return to the building ill see what she wants to do. In the meantime I've been putting up more boundaries lol I wish I had done it sooner but Owell

Bigger posted 9/22/2020 08:53 AM

I have shared this story a gazillion times here on SI.
About 15 years ago I managed a guy who had a work-affair with a single woman working in another department. While he was my subordinate then she was my friend from college. They were very discreet so I personally didn’t know of the affair until he told me about it. The reason he did so was because his wife had found out, he had decided to end the affair and focus on reconciling. He wanted some changes that would ensure NC with the OW at work.

Since she was a friend, I asked her about it and she both confirmed the affair and that it was over. She too was committed to it being over.

They worked in the same company but separate departments and separate buildings. The man started to bring lunch from home rather than use the cafeteria and skipped all social work functions to further minimize contact.

About 5-6 months later the OW gave notice and left for another job. She wasn’t fleeing the affair – it was a real career step upwards for her.

A few months later the man and I were talking and I asked him about his home-situation. He told me that he noticed a big difference and improvement the moment his wife knew the OW was no longer working at the same company. He told me that he had 100% maintained NC and was totally committed to his marriage, but that his wife hadn’t been able or willing to commit to the same level while the OW was still a threat.
Like he pointed out – he still knew OW address, mobile, personal mail, Facebook page… If he wanted to reach out then it was easy. But he didn’t. He didn’t want to reach out and hadn’t wanted to reach out since D-day. But his wife had that fear and that fear was fed when they worked together.

So should she leave the job?
If it causes you issues.
If something in the job or at the job were enablers or supporters of the affair.
If the work environment is inductive to immoral behavior.

Other than that – IF she wants to have an affair she can and will have an affair. No matter if it’s the same OM or another.
The key is for her to understand WHY she had an affair. And you or money issues are NOT in that reason.

The1stWife posted 9/22/2020 11:05 AM

On a different post of mine, I talked about how I caught my WW looking this guys up on social media. Which also bothers me

This is a huge 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Doesn’t matter if they still work together. If they want to cheat they will. And will find a way to make it happen.

It may physically be on hold but it doesn’t appear like emotionally the affair has ended. And that’s the battle you face.

gmc94 posted 9/22/2020 12:00 PM

I'm with bigger, but think it can be synthesized to one sentence:

If it causes you issues.

It's not a matter of what the folks on SI think/feel/believe. It's how YOU think/feel/believe.

I don't "get" the boundaries and wait and see on this particular issue... it feels a little like expecting the WS to be a mind reader.

Or maybe I just don't have the imagination to come up with a "boundary" that would not be explicit as to the work setting, but would prompt a WS to leave their job when AP is no longer there....

NotMyFirstRodeo posted 9/22/2020 12:16 PM

An argument could easily be made for either answer.

I strongly recommend you give it a lot of thought and whatever you feel is best for your relationship and healing be the answer.

Jorge posted 9/22/2020 15:11 PM

I was once an executive recruiter and career manager. Per that experience, I'd let her stay at her job while searching for a new one.

It's easier to find a comparable job when not under duress. Diligently searching for a job that suits her from a career and salary perspective, both objectives can be accomplished in a manageable way.

It's a unique opportunity to utilize COVID distancing protocols company's are practicing by (and saving money in many cases!!) as the awkward posture of trying to avoid detection by her current employer that she's interviewing. This is just a bonus, but not the primary benefit.

The primary benefit is the process of getting a new job is seamless and doesn't have to include compromising career goals and objectives or compensation due to urgency of removing herself from the toxic situation.

Transitioning is not easy in a market full of questions, so it may take longer than normal, hence you prepare accordingly by starting to look for another job when she wants to versus when she has to.

No reason to wait until restrictions are lifted as it places somewhat of an urgent factor into the search process as emotions are conjured up in both of you.

[This message edited by Jorge at 3:48 PM, September 22nd (Tuesday)]

ramius posted 9/22/2020 15:44 PM

If divorce is a possibility then yes, keep her at that job.

Thissucks5678 posted 9/22/2020 18:20 PM

I agree with 36. She is her own person. You can’t really “let” her do anything.

You can decide how you feel about the situation. You can communicate those feelings to her. Then, she can come up with a decision on her own from there. Her decision may give you some insight on how remorseful she is or isn’t.

I was miserable for the 6 weeks or so my WH still worked with the COW. She quit and it was the one bit of kindness she did for me, intentional or not. He still works at the same job, 4 years later. I am glad he did not quit.

waitedwaytoolong posted 9/22/2020 19:21 PM

Does he have a lot of social connections at the job? It sounds like he was quite the player. If there is any chance he would be around to have lunches, meet with colleagues etc, I would say no.

Her actions have consequences. I would find out if you can where he went and keep a close eye on her. By checking the social media, it seems she is still infatuated with him, or at least giving him headspace

blahblahblahe posted 9/22/2020 19:46 PM

Your previous posts indicate she has a history of poor decisions.

The best projection of future behavior is past behavior, which seems likely she is a very risky partner.