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Why is this behavior a thing during the A?

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crazyblindsided posted 9/18/2020 13:18 PM

Think about a child that really wants to be doing something else. Say they want to go to the swimming pool. But they can't go to the swimming pool until they have finished their homework and made their bed. How do they act when they are told this? They are angry, they sulk, they mope thru what they have to do until they can do what they want to do. This was my husband when real life interfered with his time in fantasy world.

Yep my STBX had 2 year old tantrums... still does

HalfTime2017 posted 9/18/2020 17:29 PM

All of the answers so far makes sense, and are the main reasons. I think we can also look at it from the standpoint that the BS is during the height of your WSs affair, someone that they've detached from in order to fall in love with someone else, the AP. So once detached, the BS is nothing more than just another person. You're not the Spouse, you're just someone, and the distance built up from the detachment shows you that they are treating you like any old stranger, or worst.

It really is a mind fuck time for the BS. You just have no idea WTF is going on, any thing you do is going to be wrong b/c they are in breakup mode/detachment mode. Just picking fights so that they can leave. You could literally shower them with love and gifts at this time, and it won't carry much weight b/c it comes from the lover that they are not interested in. While on the other side, that shiny new AP toy can do no wrong. He can literally shit on your WS, and still, while wearing those rose tinted glasses, the WS won't think any wrong with it. That type of blinders is that allows them to stay in the fantasy world.

Mene posted 9/18/2020 21:00 PM

When I look back to that time, it all makes sense to me now. Just picking on everything I did. Nothing was good enough. Constant criticism on a daily basis. I didnít understand what I was doing wrong. Iím angry about it now because I went through a number of months through her crap. Funny how once the WS gets caught the criticism of the BS ends.

[This message edited by Mene at 9:00 PM, September 18th (Friday)]

EmbraceTheChange posted 9/19/2020 08:06 AM

In my case, my WH didn't want to be with me and our kids anymore, because he had found the woman of his dreams who "got him", "understood him", "wanted to spend time with him". And he had to be home since we were married and so was she. Though they kept in touch 24/7 through texts when they were apart. True love story here. The lovers separated because they had to go home to their evil spouses. I was nuts and so was OBS. WH and OW had to put up with us when they were home. And then freedom and pure joy when they were back at work, together.

So he started telling me how shit I was through snarky comments. I didn't think of this, I didn't think of that. My jokes were bad. I was nagging, I was controlling. I was shopping in the wrong place, I was doing too much, not enough.

There was ALWAYS something and I could not get it right, even when I was doing exactly what he wanted. He still was unhappy.

(Eta: I was not dense. He was telling me how over worked he was so I assumed it was work stress).

The more he was verbalizing my faults, the more justifications he had. Had I have been OW clone, he would have been perfectly happy with me. However everything was wrong between him and me because of my ways, everything was prefect with OW thanks to her beautiful, easy going demeanor.

AMD that's the synopsis of why WH was a total dick to me during his affair.


Stinger posted 9/19/2020 10:19 AM

I think the damage they do while acting this way( mean, cruel, etc,) presents as big or bigger an obstacle to reconciling as the cheating itself does.

Combine it with the topic in another thread, the things they said about you to the AP, and one has to be, virtually, lobotomized or extremely adept at mental gymnastics to continue in a relationship with the cheater.

You can't dis remember this stuff.

NotMyFirstRodeo posted 9/19/2020 10:27 AM

Stinger, you hit a nail on the head there. But it also doesn't have to be the end of the possibility of true R. It can mean the end of true R, but it doesn't have to.

But as someone dealing with all of that, it's definitely a serious consideration and issue that needs to be resolved for me before we R. (I'll heal no matter "us" healing or not)

Notaboringwife posted 9/19/2020 12:16 PM

Just picking on everything I did. Nothing was good enough. Constant criticism on a daily basis. I didnít understand what I was doing wrong.

...And I was walking on eggshells around FWH during the 12 month affair.

I remember that those criticisms, those put downs kept intensifying as time went by and were unbearable by the time D-Day hit me. Then I understood everything.

So his behaviour thing was his acting out his insecurities, his retaliation against me as the boring wife, the uncaring wife etc. etc.

I do not believe that for one minute he felt any guilt or shame during the affair. Just entitlement. He was that egoistical. That sure of himself. He had it all.

The guilt and shame came after I exposed his affair to his family, our family, and some close friends. And the guilt and shame hit him hard during our separation, and even harder during R.

We continue dealing with his guilt, shame, remorse 16 months into R. We are healing together. We are becoming kinder to one another.

GoldenR posted 9/19/2020 13:37 PM

My XWW was a total bitch when she was cheating anytime she was with us simply bc she didn't want to be with us. She was so very mean to our oldest daughter. God how I still hate her.

Stinger posted 9/19/2020 20:21 PM

Yeah, I pretty much hate my Xw, too. None of this was necessary. She co UK ld have just asked for a divorce. She is see uch a disordered asshole, I wo yo l would have been glad to give her one right away.

ForMe posted 9/22/2020 01:56 AM

I am one of the BS that thinks that the actions while he was having the affair was worse than the affair itself. To him, he said that he had loved me the entire time, thought that he had treated me well and that he was giving me everything that I wanted (i.e. which meant to him being married and having a baby with a cheater ).

To me I was walking on eggshells for 18 months or so. I would be worried to come home to find that he was in a rage because the bins werenít emptied or that I hadnít made the dinner on time. Keeping in mind I was heavily pregnant, working 3x the amount of hours he was, doing most of the housework and 80% of the cooking. I couldnít understand why he was so angry at me all the time. He now thinks that it was because he wasnít coping with his life, that his life was falling apart and that any small annoyance he took out on me.

I think now in retrospect that I was the barrier to his fun. He thought that if he wasnít married to me he would have all the freedom in the world. He would be shagging women left, right and centre. He would have a clean house and cooked meals (magically done without me present of course) and that he would have all his money to himself without someone nagging him to be financially responsible.

The other day the bins were dirty and he was over cleaning my house and I noticed I was paused like a deer in headlights when he started cleaning the bins. I was expecting him to blow up like he usually did and he didnít. Funny how all the anger he had at me suddenly dissipated when he got dumped.

Now he has everything he wanted. The bachelor lifestyle, all his money to himself and all the freedom in the world. Yet he is over my house doing the cleaning. Funny how the tables have turned.

solo posted 9/23/2020 07:09 AM

My wife is the textbook case of this. Very short fused with myself and the kids. Didnít ďintegrateĒ with us well. She always seemed separate or out of the loop with us. Forgot things constantly, etc.
I had no idea it was a red flag at the time, as I had no concept of her betraying me / us. In hindsight, I believe it was the stress of her keeping up with two lives.

I have General Anxiety Disorder. Iíve always had it, but wasnít aware of it until it got way out of hand in the years following D-Day. I eventually saw a therapist, who explained it to me.

The reason I say that, is because my anxiety causes me to be very irritable and to have a short temper when Iím stressed. I isolate myself during episodes so I didnít take it out on my family.
After learning all I have, it made me realize that the affair was creating a ton of anxiety for her. While she doesnít have a chemical imbalance like I do, the affair absolutely affected her mental health, which manifested in the same way my anxiety disorder does.

DIFM posted 9/23/2020 10:18 AM

Whatever is the reason, I am sure it is intrinsically tied to the practice of rewriting the M during the A.

My fWW was adamant that I was controlling her every move and choice and thought. This revision of reality was largely the basis for the simultaneous anger faces, the "how come I am the one that always has to...(fill in the blank)", snide comments for the slightest things, etc. I mean, how can someone expect to be loving to a controlling ass-hole, especially when there is someone out there that knows just how special and innocent of a creature the WS is.

I think rewrite M and anger/snide/disconnect reactions went hand in hand for the same reasons.

EllieKMAS posted 9/23/2020 11:00 AM

I'm gonna preface this with saying that I mean no disrespect to the WS's who are here doing their work and striving to be/become safe partners.

-but-

In my case... my exdouche didn't act particularly awful to me during the A, but his immaturity and fuckupedness were starkly evident during and after. The more I have worked on my healing, the more I see just how rosy my glasses with him always were. And the bottom line is he is just a shitty person. Being an entitled selfish dickhole is just how shitty people act. There's no depth there, no need to examine further. And he will keep on being a shitty person because he will never look at himself. It's always a violin sonata with him Poor guy - SO mistreated, SO misunderstood. (Aside, I really feel the need for a sarcasm font/emoji).

Just saying that in some cases (mine), I really don't think there is any deeper answer other than the person is just a shit. *shrug I dunno, just my 0.02.

crazyblindsided posted 9/23/2020 11:45 AM

I think the damage they do while acting this way( mean, cruel, etc,) presents as big or bigger an obstacle to reconciling as the cheating itself does.

It is damaging. I don't know how you forget how awful they were during the A and in my case after the A too. The horrible things said to me to my face and to the AP. The contempt he had and still has for me is palpable.

BetterTimesAhead posted 9/23/2020 13:00 PM

I think the damage they do while acting this way( mean, cruel, etc,) presents as big or bigger an obstacle to reconciling as the cheating itself does.
It is damaging. I don't know how you forget how awful they were during the A and in my case after the A too. The horrible things said to me to my face and to the AP. The contempt he had and still has for me is palpable.

Same

Sceadugenga posted 9/23/2020 13:29 PM

I think the damage they do while acting this way( mean, cruel, etc,) presents as big or bigger an obstacle to reconciling as the cheating itself does.

Good Lord! The constant putdowns, downright emotional sadism, piercing sarcasm ... And the guileless me believed it was because she was overworked and stressed out and I strove even harder to accommodate her. There are days I still hate myself for it. I think I'd have much less trouble forgiving the A than her treating me like a cur you can kick whenever the mood takes you.

[This message edited by Sceadugenga at 1:53 PM, September 23rd (Wednesday)]

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