"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Whatslove posted 10/17/2020 19:19 PM

We are in the beginning stages of reconciliation and I have a suspicion he is not being faithful. He found the VAR and confronted me. Words of advice?

[This message edited by Whatslove at 1:06 AM, October 21st (Wednesday)]

HellFire posted 10/17/2020 19:32 PM

"I will not apologize the methods I use to protect myself against someone who has proven to me that I am not safe with them.

Safety and trust is earned. Its unfortunate that you found the VAR,because the contents on it could have gone a very long way in establishing both."

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:33 PM, October 17th (Saturday)]

This0is0Fine posted 10/17/2020 20:00 PM

I recorded my WW a few months in and gave me solid confirmation she didn't have sex with AP. I have apologized but also said it felt necessary. "Sorry I have done this, but I didn't feel safe and this has helped."

Idiotmcstupid posted 10/17/2020 21:25 PM

I recorded my stbxww saying "I love you" to a man, after they fucked, while she claimed she was visiting her father's grave on father's day (leaving me alone with my kid, btw)
She has tried to claim that it was illegal, AFTER she gave me permission to monitor her as a condition of R, but I live in a single party state and don't plan on using it in court. I just needed it to get myself out of that marriage.
You need what you need, if he tries to guilt you or shame you for this then it's a sign that things won't go well in R.

oldtruck posted 10/17/2020 22:23 PM

the first two responses to your post spell out what to tell
your WH.

jailedmind posted 10/18/2020 05:00 AM

All is fair in love and war. Now he gets a taste of what it’s like. I bought a program. Dumped my wife’s ipad and phone to excel and sifted through her secret life. She didn’t get preachy about it. She was to worried about where she was going to sleep. It’s a condition of reconciliation. Your spouse can’t be trusted so monitoring them like children is required until you feel they don’t need it anymore..

landclark posted 10/18/2020 06:32 AM

Confronted you how? What did he say? Is he looking for an apology or something? Did you hear anything damning?

I probably wouldn’t back down myself. Focusing on a VAR seems like deflecting to me.

NotMyFirstRodeo posted 10/18/2020 09:05 AM

He should be grateful he faces a VAR and not divorce papers.

It blows my mind how narrow minded a WS can be. I imagine it's just a sense of entitlement that they deserve the "good" they seek from an AP and are unrighteously persecuted for the bad stemming from the A that drives their terrible sense of direction.

sisoon posted 10/18/2020 13:39 PM

It is probably illegal in your state to record conversations you're not a part of. It may be illegal in your state to record conversations you are a part of.

If your H won't put the VAR back where it was and give you permission to record his conversations, you have a problem. A WS who is committed to R will be willing to have everything he does and says videotaped.

It's an aspect of 'transparency,' which is one the better requirements for R.

The1stWife posted 10/18/2020 19:25 PM

I can tell you my H wouldn’t dare confront me b/c he woukd know why.

Do. Not. Back. Down.

It’s the price he pays for lying and disrespecting you.

WhatsRight posted 10/18/2020 19:30 PM

Safety and trust is earned. Its unfortunate that you found the VAR,because the contents on it could have gone a very long way in establishing both."

^^^^^ THIS ^^^^^

Hippo16 posted 10/19/2020 05:09 AM

^^^^^ THIS ^^^^^
I agree emphatically

Maybe put in perspective: "The VAR is a lot cheaper than having a PI investigate your activities."

Also - being a marriage policeman will get old and I think breeds resentment.

Do you really want to be in a marriage where you have to constantly worry - that is because you don't trust and your spouse is not doing everything possible to allay your fears and work to regain some level of trust?

Consider getting another VAR and get one that is more discreet. Go to your preferred internet search engine and look - voice recorders that don't look like voice recorders. Maybe search using 'audio surveillance'

Mickie500 posted 10/19/2020 06:57 AM

Wow. So many have VARs. Can someone dm me the brand and where they got it?

sisoon posted 10/19/2020 10:11 AM

What is 'dm'?

I just looked at amazon's offerings. There's a Sony model at $40-$50 that gets great reviews and seems to be a standard.

Poppy704 posted 10/19/2020 10:24 AM

DM means Direct Message

Mickie: You are still entertaining and pursuing an RA per your recent posts. What would your partner find if he was recording you?

crazyblindsided posted 10/19/2020 12:30 PM

"I will not apologize the methods I use to protect myself against someone who has proven to me that I am not safe with them."

^^^This short and sweet.

ann1960 posted 10/19/2020 13:52 PM

I got busted too. FWH and I were watching TV and it was showing 2 woman spying on their friend through a camera they planted in her apt. He said, “see your not the only one who does that.”

I responded, “I would never have had to if my cheating husband had been faithful and honest.” Nuff said! He didn’t respond nor was he mad. He wanted to needle me and let me know I spy on him. Sure do!

I will randomly look through my husbands phone, I put a key logger on his phone (doesn’t work anymore because I haven’t kept up with the updates.) I hid cameras in our bedroom so I could hear possible conversations. So far he has staying faithful (that I know of) but I have caught the little boy white lies. Was never aware he didn’t that until his affair. I’m tooooooooooooo trusting. Well WAS too trusting.

You owe him no apology! Curious...did you find anything? There are more spying techniques keep going.

Mickie500 posted 10/19/2020 16:07 PM

Poppy704

What are you doing? If you want to discuss anything with me use dm. I doubt that you will though as you just want to make me feel bad.

ibonnie posted 10/20/2020 01:16 AM

Whenever my FWS has found me spiraling and snooping, they're empathetic. They look sad, tell me they understand why, they're sorry for what they did, and they want me to keep looking until I feel better or I've found what I'm looking for.

It's been a couple of years since their A ended, I haven't found anything suspicious whenever I feel paranoid and need to snoop/verify, and as a result, those thoughts and feelings pop up less and less frequently.

shellofme posted 10/20/2020 10:02 AM

This sums it up for me:

If your H won't put the VAR back where it was and give you permission to record his conversations, you have a problem. A WS who is committed to R will be willing to have everything he does and says videotaped.

However, a WS that claims to be a FWS can always take their behavior more underground. For example, they could allow a BS to leave the VAR in the car, but then make sure not to have incriminating phone conversations in the car. If you are with a FWS truly worthy of R, then he/she should be okay with anything that provides transparency, and would help to make his/her BS feel safe. For BS that fear their FWS isn't a former, but is still actively wayward, there are other things you could do (like a device hidden inside the car that tracks location). Ultimately though, this is the type of response that a FWS is worthy of attempting R:

Whenever my FWS has found me spiraling and snooping, they're empathetic. They look sad, tell me they understand why, they're sorry for what they did, and they want me to keep looking until I feel better or I've found what I'm looking for.