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Still in disbelief

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skeetermooch posted 12/12/2020 22:41 PM

So, I'm close to being divorced, really don't like this person and wish I'd never met him, etc.

One thing that I'm stuck on is disbelief that this happened, confusion as to how it happened and who he is. When does that end?

I can't even fully accept that human beings like him exist, let alone that I married one. He might as well have been a unicorn or an alien.

I somehow got to nearly sixty years old without crossing paths with anyone so evil, and now that I have it's continually surreal.

BearlyBreathing posted 12/12/2020 22:53 PM

Every now and then that thought still flits by. But much less frequently, and it does not take up residence in my head for more than a few minutes.
You know that four letter word.... Time.

Iím 4 years from D-DAy, 3 years from D and this year I missed our anniversary. It came and went and I didnít realize it until later in the week.

EllieKMAS posted 12/12/2020 22:56 PM

I was in a perpetual state of "dufuq was THAT" from the day we separated in the beginning of August 2019 til about 3 months after D was final (finalized a year ago tomorrow!!). Still crosses my mind with more frequency than I'd like but I'm light years away from where I was a year ago.

You'll get there too. It just takes time.

The1stWife posted 12/13/2020 07:45 AM

He became that person b/c that was not the person you married.

Selfishness plays a huge role in the D process. So does vindictive behavior and entitlement.

Be thankful the loser is no longer your problem.

My friend got out of a really bad marriage. He was a total narcissist. His choice to D. He demanded all kinds of conditions during the D. He was unreasonable.

Point is sheís now free. And is happier than she could have imagined.

He once wanted to have her arrested for visiting a neighbor/friend. How dare she be on her former street. Thatís how much of an idiot he was. And mean. He cheated on her during the entire marriage. And he was nasty and ridiculous during the D.

It makes no sense. Just stop trying to understand. Cause you never will get there and only make yourself crazy in the process.

skeetermooch posted 12/13/2020 09:54 AM

this year I missed our anniversary. It came and went and I didnít realize it until later in the week.

^ that is awesome!

I was in a perpetual state of "dufuq was THAT" from the day we separated in the beginning of August 2019 til about 3 months after D was final

Exactly - I'm still there I guess. Like seriously wtf was that shit???

Be thankful the loser is no longer your problem.

Oh, I am. Believe me. So happy this monster isn't my problem. So thankful I protected my assets, never had children with him - all of it. So, so thankful. But still so surreal. I expect I'll look back with less emotion and shock but still shaking my head at the bizarreness of it all.

crazyblindsided posted 12/13/2020 12:13 PM

Yes I have the same thing. After spending 24 years with someone to end up not knowing them at all is surreal.

Chili posted 12/13/2020 12:23 PM

less emotion and shock but still shaking my head at the bizarreness of it all.

Yes.

I am...(looking at tagline)...over 8 years past that mess and when it comes up - even around here when I'm writing about my experience to others - it's still coated in a bit of disbelief and the old bizarro.

It's not denial or head in the sand.

I think it's just the nature of the beast. The narrative you had going on in your head about your own life was completely re-written by some strange ghost writer. And in my case, I didn't even get an outline or a cast of characters.

I still wonder how people can do such ugly shit to each other, but that's kind of an ongoing thought in my head in general.

You've made leaps and bounds on your journey skeeter. Sitting with these thoughts is a part of the deal - keep spewing them out when they come up (you know, like a big old loogie. )

99problems posted 12/13/2020 20:14 PM

Most of the people I know who also know my stbxw I don't bother telling all the gritty details of what's happened, simply because I can see the disbelief on their faces.
I wanna be like,"I know,I can't believe it either!" But it's pointless.
So much easier for people to believe that my perception is colored by hurt and hate than to believe that she is that bad of a person.
And in the end it really doesn't matter.

DanielJK posted 12/14/2020 10:07 AM

I have a meeting with a divorce attorney this week and I can't believe it.

I'm with you...I can't believe this is happening to me.

I just can't imagine signing divorce paperwork and then that's it...it's over.

Mind boggling.

We didn't deserve this.

Thumos posted 12/14/2020 11:18 AM

The surreal nature of it is hard to grasp I agree. Iím doing my best to think of it as another in lifeís passages.

skeetermooch posted 12/14/2020 20:58 PM

I guess I'm not alone in surreal land. Thanks for commenting, friends.

AboveAverage7913 posted 12/17/2020 15:37 PM

Married 14 years, it's increasingly difficult to recognize my WW.

Since DD, many things have changed: Her dress, her speech, even the way she writes - she's assimilated mannerisms that come from somewhere/someone else.

The point is: You are not alone.

gmc94 posted 12/17/2020 16:16 PM

I will soon hit the "I've known my WH for THIRTY years" milestone (been M >25).
I still can't believe this is how it all turned out... More than 1/2 of my life was basically a stream of lies.

I feel 'ya.

The1stWife posted 12/18/2020 04:20 AM

I have a friend in another blog. Married to a cheating H and she finally filed for D. He refused to leave the house. For two years he lived w/ her & kids and made their life miserable. Living hell!!!!

Two things stick out. He admitted that he was not giving up the OW in front of their kids. So she filed for D. She had enough. When he asked her why she filed she told him that he refused to stop cheating. He denied it. His child told him he said it in front of him. Of course the CH denied that too.

The resulting manipulative behavior and crap he did was awful. Paid the health insurance at the last second. Paid the car insurance minutes before it was cancelled. Would not pay for stuff for kids. He made tons of $. Left her scrambling every month.

Then he harassed her attorney. The STBXH and his lawyer filed tons of motions. Cost my friend tons of $ for lawyerís fees. But her attorney hung in there and did a great job for her. But he admitted he had never seen anything like it.

Then my friend learns the STBXH is hitting on some 20 year old girl. The girl had to file a complaint against him at her job. Thatís how relentless he was in pursuing this girl. She had to make sure she never had to deal with him!! 50 year old guy who hasnít moved on from his teen years thinking a 20 year or was interested. Wouldnít take no as an answer.

Final straw - my friend went to court looking fabulous. Heads turned. Her attorney told her afterwards the now XH just sat and stared. Judge ruled in her favor. And she showed up in court looking like the winner she was.

Stand up to a narc and expect a world war. Thatís the only way to describe it.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:25 AM, December 18th (Friday)]

Westway posted 12/18/2020 09:54 AM

I know exactly how you feel Skeetermooch.

When I got the full picture of my xWW's years of serial cheating, I literally felt like those people in the movie Invasion of the Bodysnatchers. I realized that for twenty years I had been living with a pod person. She was never real.

Remember that scene from The Shining when Wendy looks at the manuscript Jack had been typing on for months, and it was just thousands of pages of nothing but "All work and no play make Jack a dull boy"? Remember the abject horror and disbelief on her face as she realized she had loved and been living with someone she didn't even know? That was me on D-Day.

Westway posted 12/18/2020 09:54 AM

double post

[This message edited by Westway at 9:55 AM, December 18th (Friday)]

skeetermooch posted 12/18/2020 11:14 AM

I still can't believe this is how it all turned out... More than 1/2 of my life was basically a stream of lies.

I literally felt like those people in the movie Invasion of the Bodysnatchers. I realized that for twenty years I had been living with a pod person.

I really only thought this happened in the movies. I assumed in real life, people this disordered would stick out like a sore thumb. I'd never known anyone else, who'd experienced this - at least who talked about it. I get why - you end up sounding like some paranoid kook who believes in alien invasions.

ResilientSoul posted 12/18/2020 12:43 PM

I can definitely see where you are coming from. I feel the same way. I have been with him for 13 years, and have known him for more than 20, and I am still in disbelief at what happened. I've known him since I was a child. This is beyond my wildest dreams that he would turn into such a cold hearted, emotionless, selfish asshole. It's hard as ever and I'm still new to all of this, but something that helps me get through it and "ride the wave" is understanding that he was playing a character all along. The man I married is NOT who he truly is, I fell in love with a MASK, a CHARACTER. The truth will always come out and unfortunately, it took me years to see the TRUE him, but I am glad that I had that chance and I can rebuild a new life without his toxic energy. I also think that you can never run from your TRUE self, so in time, this would have happened. People don't just drop their spouse and act cruel to them even if things dont work out. Humans with a heart will still be sad about what happened. The fact that they can walk away and act like you or the relationship never existed after being together for so long, says a lot about their true character. They are broken narcissists who only care about themselves. They will never find happiness.

Katz13 posted 12/25/2020 20:52 PM

I too feel like I'm walking through a dense fog most of the time. Mostly over thinking everything and obsessive thoughts.

katmandude54 posted 12/26/2020 05:58 AM

Just when you thought you had it bad just open a random post on here, in any category, and you can find tons of poor souls with even worse stories. The capacity of some people to inflict harm, generate pain, facilitate lies and pull wool over supposed loved one's heads is limitless. And these people don't just spring fully formed into existence, they are carefully nurtured by themselves to be selfish, uncaring, ignorant and just worthless human beings. They are not worthy of your precious love, time and concern. Go, live, and be happy.

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