I am trying to figure out my part in the break down of our marriage and I need help. I am really struggling to figure out what I did wrong and how to avoid doing that in the future. The way I see things, I was the one keeping us together this whole time and had it not been for my perseverance, we would have split a long time ago.
We dated for 3 years before getting engaged, we were engaged for a year and a half and married for 12 before separation (one year ago).
Even before we were married, I had seen signs of cheating type behavior. Since we were moving, he was training a new coworker, a female, he had helped her with her computer at home once, but apparently she had a boyfriend so I didn't need to worry... then she called early morning before he left for work to ask him to pick up milk for her, I thought that was weird AF... then we moved away and I found pictures of her in her underwear on our computer, I confronted him, he said it was like porn to him, she lived in another province now and would never see her again, whats the harm? I told him that if I had pics of men I used to know, if he would like that, he said no and I told him it was the same for me... things improved a bit, we got married, had a child, then when my son was 6 months old, I found nasty messages on his cell phone, he was sexting the lady that worked at the liquor store... Very blatant sexting "can't wait to touch you, feel you" kind of texts... I confronted him again, he said it was just fun and they never actually did anything physically, just texted... I said he could never go back to that liquor store or see that woman again...
Then a year later, I have his phone in my hand trying to search a GPS location as we are going on vacation and a text comes in that says "Good Morning 😘"... I memorized the number, called it later and sure enough it was the same woman... I finally confronted him, after our short holiday (just a long weekend getaway). It was excruciating to pretend nothing was wrong the whole time, but I did it for our sons sake. He admitted he had been having an affair with her, that he thought our marriage was practically over since we were rarely intimate with each other... after that episode we experienced insanely strong hysterical bonding emotions... we couldn't get enough of each other for months, we were having sex almost every day and trying new things etc...
Time went on, we got back to our old habits, he was getting drunk daily again, being mean to me and calling me names, making me feel like shit.
Fast forward a little while, this time a lady contacted me on Facebook, she knew things about him that only a wife should know... I confronted him about it, he eventually admitted to me that she was an escort and had been blackmailing him for a couple months now. It was gut wrenching, this woman knew my full name, where I lived and God knows what else. I was afraid for our lives. We got cameras installed. She called the police on me saying I was stalking and threatening her, it was a very difficult time... Again another round of hysterical bonding, having sex almost everyday. This time it lasted maybe 4 months... then things slowly started going back to the way they were. A year goes by, I told him I was still struggling with what he had done, (he had also given me herpes from this lady, although he still denies it, since he never got it, he was clearly a carrier), he got really mad and started threatening custody of our son, since I wasn't working, I'd quit my job because I was afraid for my safety and reputation... I decided to stick it out for a while and try and get my shit together so I would never be in this situatin again. I got a job, tried putting a bit of money aside, got a better job, then as soon as I had proof of his infidelity again, I kicked him out! No questions... he had to be out of my bed, my room, my house, my space!!!
Since then, I have decided that I can not take any responsibility for his actions, maybe our marriage wasn't perfect and we struggled to connect at times, but he chose to put his attention towards other women, rather than on his own wife and son and I can't take any responsibility in that. I was the one staying home with our son while he went to the bar with friends and met up with escorts and random people he met on Craigslist.
What I am trying to figure out is how can I not repeat this cycle!!!
Do I just need to change the type of guy I'm attracted too? However I wasn't attracted to him at first, he kinda grew on me when we were dating... maybe I should not go for guys iI'm ot initially attracted to?
Maybe at the first sign of the potential for infidelity, I need to get out???
What is my lesson, my part in this?
I dont mean to sound full of myself, but I'm really struggling to find what exactly I did wrong in all this...
Please be as honest as possible, Thank you
[This message edited by Sallyjay at 8:52 PM, January 3rd (Sunday)]