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LD, the 180 is the solution to the lack of emotional attachment and intimacy. Right now, you are craving it. However, when you begin to detach from your WW, you wont' crave it as much.

From your description, your WW has pretty much checked out. Has she said she is interested in R? Because all of your descriptions of her actions say no. Sounds like she has moved on and just isn't willing to say it and file papers. She may be waiting for you, to make you the bad guy. It's fairly common.

I would suggest you let your WW know how you feel. It may upset her, but so what? You tip toeing around the issues isn't helping you. It isn't solving any problems.

Thank you so much for the replies. You both described exactly where I'm at right now.

I've backed off without much change. I do feel as though it's essentially ultimatum time. Time to shit or get off the pot. Lacking the courage right now to push forward or even talk to her about it.

My mind goes back and forth between "at least she hasn't left" and "I deserve so much better"

You title says it all. You are traumatized. It is so hard to stay focused when your mind is pinging all over the place. That is why detaching is for your own good. At this point your wife is incidental. She has made herself so.

In my extended family was a wife and mother who no longer cared and moved on to someone else. She gave up custody of her kids. We are always surprised when a woman does it but it does happen. Is your wife involved with the children? Are they getting the nurturing they need from her? If they are then I hope she can work with you whether married or not.

Please take care of yourself. You are so important to your children.

Yes, she is very involved with the kids. She's a great mother but also one of her challenges should we move forward together. She thinks she has to do everything on top of an inability to acknowledge when someone is helping her....plus poor stress management

Can't imagine how stressed or guilty she's been with the cancer treatments and carrying on an affair. She surely had to put herself in a really fucked up place to appease her conscience

Glad you are here LD, you will come through. Your precious child, how I hate that children should have to go through anything like this. It will just be one day at a time.

Maybe someone can get through to her. To be all in for the kids at least. She must be a a very dark place right now. Someday she's going to wonder who she was and why she made her choices.

Bigger is wise. I agree with him on the priorities. You are faced with what no one should have to go through and you must focus on keeping yourself together for your kids. It's so very hard to watch the one you love pull away when you need them more than ever. She's got to rise above and you can't do more than you have been doing. Your energy must now go to keeping yourself strong.

None of this is easy, for anyone and sometimes comes a situation like yours that is so unfair and sad. How I wish we could just stop the clock and go into the future to get the cures for these innocent kids.

The guys are right, look to your health and be the best example you can be every day. It builds you up. It helps your kids. It will help you to come through this.

I am so very very sorry for both of these traumas - I have walked your road, both of them. My child at 2 1/2 was diagnosed with neuroblastoma - we had amazing support but eventually split our hospital time so one could be with the other kids. A few months in, our child was unresponsive to chemo and we were told at some point this would take his life - long story short, husband could not handle this news, felt abandoned by God and sought escape because he could not come with the trauma if this, an EA and PA started with a co-worker that lasted 10 months. I thought he was just upset about our child, he turned into a different person and the verbal abuse was unbearable. I focused on other children (and the one I was carrying too!), I lived by the moment - after DDay 1 and then 2 and the end of the affair then healing was delayed as our child got worse and eventually passed - God was merciful in that time for us but it really delayed the process of healing. Big changes weren't happening until I set Boundaries (read all the Boundary books) and I got angry and really started sticking with those boundaries. Husband has come abvery long way, but because of the added cancer trauma my trauma is more and different and yet his A started because he couldn't handle the trauma of cancer. Be there for your kids and don't let the A Rob you of time with your children, cancer teaches us the gift of today. I know the loneliness you feel - it isn't something to just talk about, people are beyond quick to judge when someone has an A during cancer treatment and so most advise is filled with "I would never . . . you should . . . " It isn't helpful because they haven't had a child with cancer and they haven't been a BS either. There was a thread in a private FB cancer page months ago that ended up well over 350 comments about divorce or affairs during cancer treatment - most were sharing only with this group because of the judgement and shame you experience from the outside world, the amount of people was staggering and I did not feel so alone suddenly.

I just want you to know you aren't alone and I understand the extra extra awful in your situation. Keep the extra trauma in mind, it adds a deep layer that makes suggested timelines and a lot of normal affair advice harder. Especially as you it changes how you interact and seeing each other because you have sick child's constant changing schedule and other children. But it 💯 percent is not about you! She could not handle the cancer trauma most likely and escaped into this affair world that doesn't involve the ugly emotions of what your real world is. My husband and I are 2 and a half years out from dday #2 and we still see our counselor every other week for 2 hours and usually go over - I was a codependent, he was his own conflict avoider - it is a long road and whatever the outcome seek help for yourself because the double trauma will get you and you want to be the best dad you can be and the best you for your kids.

Thank you for your story.

Today will be tough. It's 1 year ago that he was diagnosed. We're throwing a little party for him but that means my wifes family will be here. They've been nothing short of nasty to me yet I'm sure they don't know the whole story. Hell, I don't know the whole story. I keep trying to find reasons to stick this out longer. I've been as understanding as I can about the cancer trauma but when is enough enough? I'm mad at God for doing this to me, and I feel abandoned. Wish I had a crystal ball so I could see how this ends up and could start moving in a direction. Fuck affairs

Being understanding has gotten you what?

Affairs only thrive in the dark.

The truth fixes a lot of things.

Perhaps it's time you try a different tactic.

I wouldn't worry about pushing her away. She's already gone.

I have a friend who just buried her husband after over 30years of marriage. Ten years ago he was in a terrible car accident. Although he appeared to recover he started losing the ability to walk, to run his business etc., but he was still as active in his life as he could be. But. He began to depend more and more on his wife. She and I discussed that for 1/3 of her marriage she was the caregiver and her husband needed her. She never thought about running, cheating or ignoring.

Devotion is a word we don’t use very often but we should. You are a devoted husband and father. I honor you for that.

You SHOULD have expectations of your wife. If she uses your child’s illness as an excuse for cheating that is despicable.

Take care.

Well, think today is going to do me in.

She is going to go to a BBQ tonight...didn't ask me nor wants me to go with her. I'm fairly sure the AP will be there as the host and him are good friends

No empathy

No remorse

No effort

I think her actions speak pretty clearly here. I am not a priority. I did tell her that her actions are telling me all I need to know.

I don't want a Divorce but I don't have any other choice

I know it is not my place to address your faith, but I so want to gently say that (in my belief) God did NOT do this to you.

Cry to Him. Yell at Him. Be angry at Him.

Just go to Him. Keep the lines of communication open with Him. Don't lose the relationship.

You will survive this.

He loves us more than we can comprehend.

JMHO. Sorry if that offends you (or anyone) in any way.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 3:38 PM, June 9th (Saturday)]

Thanks for the comment on faith.

Truth is, I'm not the most spiritual person. I'd like to be, but I don't see it. Hard to understand why your some gets cancer, even harder to understand why my wife betrayed me. Yet even harder to understand why she doesn't care.

I tried the prism of faith. My son got cancer, my wife cheated, maybe this is the opportunity to fix some things and end up better. I've talked and prayed my ass off. I don't see, hear, or feel any better. I'm not offended, thank you very much for your comment

I'd like to be, but I don't see it. Hard to understand why your some gets cancer, even harder to understand why my wife betrayed me. Yet even harder to understand why she doesn't care. 

You're story is heartbreaking.

You're in the middle of the storm right now. You can't see past what's right in front of you.

That's not me trying to be harsh, your plate is just so full.

God knows your outcome. It may be to your liking, it may not.

You're also looking with mortal eyes. While we're here on earth that's usually our focus.

This situation isn't forever though. Someday our earthly life will be over. Then it's eternity.

I'm not making light of your situation, I just wanted you to know, it's not the end.

You and your son are becoming stronger every day. Maybe you are going through this now to be there for someone else in the future.

I can't imagine what ya'll are going through with your son. You're in my prayers for sure.

God bless.

I have a hard time too understanding evil in the world. It causes so much pain which begets more pain and on it goes.

Now if you think of science, the human brain is one of the most amazing things. Yet how many people let themselves make bad choices and cause destruction on themselves and others. And the worst part for me is that as much as we know, we still fall short of being able to free ourselves from these crushing destructive actions.

The older I get, the more I think that you just show love and kindness and it lights the way for others. Some that we love will keep on a destructive path. That is their free will to choose it. I hate that they choose it when we offer the chance for real beauty and meaning in life. Compassion, empathy, responsibility, reliability, honesty grow the spirit. I'm sorry you must do this and she chooses not to

I do not think any of this is wasted. I think the good things we do here have more meaning than we know. Keep focused on your path forward and loving your kids. I hope someday you are with them a d they remember all your love and efforts in this painful time and let you know what a difference you made in their lives. You are more than you know.

[This message edited by pureheartkit at 1:21 AM, June 10th (Sunday)]

LD, I can only speak for myself, but I know God didn't cause my XW to cheat. He taught me a lot through the experience.

I can't imagine going through that experience while at the same time dealing with a sick child the way you are.

I'm sure your son's illness was tough for your WW as well, however, it isn't an excuse to cheat. You remained faithful. Bad things happen in everyone's life. We have to choose how we deal with that adversity. Your WW should have reached out to you if she was struggling, if she was having a hard time.

Man, your story breaks my heart and angers me terribly. To be ripping the family apart when facing such a tragedy is beyond F'd up.

You said she's a great mom. I totally disagree. A good mother doesn't put her family at risk when her small child is fighting for his life. It should be you 2 together putting all of your heart and soul in keeping the family strong during this time.

With your wife sleeping separately, how sure are you she isn't still in the affair. Sounds like she's trying to remain loyal to her boyfriend.

Have you expose this vile POS. And as for her family they should know the WHOLE truth. Talk to her parents. Not in a your daughter is a whore but in a help me fight for the family.

Also have you confronted this @sshole. He is fucking with your family during a crises. No time for softness. Your family is under attack.

I know God didn't make my wife cheat, but why is my marriage being used for a lesson...let alone my son. I know I may not get the answers for a while, if ever, but shits fucked up

I agree a mother doesn't do this to her family. Her family knows enough to have an idea. Lord knows what story she's told them. It's not my place to interject there. I'll defend myself.

No I have not talked to the POS. He's essentially not my problem. My wife made the shitty decisions. I don't blast him as I don't want her to feel the need to defend him.

No, I'm not sure the affair is over. I'd be a fool to think that. This BBQ last night seems to be the last straw for me. Not cuz of the affair per say, but rather she has continued to show that my thoughts, feelings, and boundaries don't matter.

[This message edited by LeukemiaDad2017 at 6:57 PM, June 10th (Sunday)]

I agree a mother doesn't do this to her family. Her family knows enough to have an idea. Lord knows what story she's told them. It's not my place to interject there. I'll defend myself.

You need to tell her parents the full truth. They can be enlisted to help stop the affair. Remember not to tell cause them to go into defensive mode by calling their daughter a cheating whore. Just the truth that you need their help. That their grandchild needs their help.

No I have not talked to the POS. He's essentially not my problem. My wife made the shitty decisions. I don't blast him as I don't want her to feel the need to defend him.

You don't need to "talk" to this POS. Your son is not able to fight the attack on the family. That falls on you.

No, I'm not sure the affair is over. I'd be a fool to think that. This BBQ last night seems to be the last straw for me. Not cuz of the affair per say, but rather she has continued to show that my thoughts, feelings, and boundaries don't matter.

Just read your earlier post about the details of the BBQ. That means the affair is NOT over.

The only thing that works on a WW is decisive shock and awe.

1. FULL exposure (family & OBS)

2. D papers filed. (get a ninja warrior)

3. Cold child biz only 180

Unfortunately you've let this go on for to long and have done piecemeal exposure, which she has repaired with her campaign to deride you as the bad guy to all. She's at war with you but you've been disarming yourself.

Limbo time is over. Which in actuality is only limbo for you, because she has been all in with POS.

I'm praying for God to give you a calm heart and wisdom for what you're about to fight through and may he keep your boy healthy too.

Couple problems with talking to her family. They're one of those circle the wagon families and will defend her regardless

I don't know all the details so I don't have much to tell them. I've told them a little and ended up getting gaslighted for trying to manipulate the family....just another reason to call it quits I'm

I'm so hurt...I don't want to file for divorce but again, I dont think I have another option. I'm struggling with the 180 for sure.