SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

At the end of my last thread someone suggested, which I kind of rejected that I should have her do a polygraph. I didn't think it was necessary as I was convinced that her affair was a one and done thing. However, the more I though about it, I figured how could it hurt. A few days ago I told her I wanted to do it, and offered to do one myself. She started to get a little nervous which is kind of natural. She asked me what questions I would be asking and off the top of my head I would ask if there was anyone else, and if she ever saw him after the day he came and picked up his tools. I did know of one time she saw his truck and told her that didn't count.

She started to cry and told me she had something to tell me. Apparently a few weeks after DDay he called her with one of the other workmans phone and asked her to meet for coffee. He was scared shitless that I was going blow up his life. She went! She told me they met at an out of the way place and he apologized and told her that it was a game for him that got way out of hand. The meeting didn't last long as she thought she saw my PI's car and left telling him they could never talk again

She went on to tell me she knew it was a mistake but was so out of sorts she did it anyway. She basically had no one to talk to about this except me and there wasn't much discussion going on between us. It was more of me telling her what I thought of her, and me threatening divorce any chance I could

To be honest, it wasn't like we had rules of any kind at that point of her not seeing him. In fact I was offering to drive her to his house so she could be a stepmom to his little kids. But how stupid could she be. I did ask her much later if she ever saw him, and other than the truck sighting she swore she didn't

She is telling me that she knew she was hanging by a thread and that this would have pushed me over the edge, which it very well might have. She now swears that was it and I can ask her anything with the polygraph.

I am just so pissed off. We are no where close to turning the corner, but we were making some progress. She is here with me now, although now in a separate bedroom. How can I stay with someone who has such poor judgement? I feel like I'm in a nightmare that is just never going to end.

It took me so long to even get back to a place where we might not get back what we had, but at least get to a point where it would be good enough. She is obviously scared shitless that this is the end, and it very well could be. Have many BS been through this, and if any WS could give me a glimpse into WtF she could have been thinking going to see him I would appreciate it.

At least she was smart enough not to bring him back to the house and screw him again

Just so pissed

This is what we call a parking lot confession. When a WS knows a polygraph is inevitable,out comes more truth. Usually it's because they're hoping you will believe you finally know everything,so they won't have to take the test. If you decide to attempt reconciliation,follow through with the test.

However, this would be it for me. It's been six years. Since you told her you wanted to separate,she's been begging for a chance, saying she will do anything you need. She's sworn a hundred times that you know everything. Now,faced with a polygraph, it turns out that you don't. The worst part of this is, had you decided to try again,and hadn't mentioned the test, you would be attempting reconciliation with a liar. So it would be false.

Interesting that she wanted to know what the questions would be. Had you not told her one would be about contact after dday,she wouldn't have told you. That tells me she's still withholding information..you just need to ask the right questions.

So,after seeing how devastated you were, she went running as soon as he called, because he needed to talk to her. That she went,knowing she had been caught by the PI on dday,and knowing what she was risking,it would seem this affair was way more emotional than she's told you.

Fuck. That.

I think you should proceed with the divorce.

[This message edited by confused615 at 8:18 PM, March 21st (Tuesday)]

If you want to continue, I would suggest the polygraph. It would help in a few ways:

1) You would know if that was the only time and set your mind a peace.

2) If she's willing to take one then that mean's she's willing to work on the marriage vs. not agreeing to it.

I don't know how much time you should be spending analyzing this particular lie right now. I think, were it me, I would go through with the polygraph ASAP. Saying she is willing and actually doing it, and actually passing it are very different things.

If the poly shows this is the only thing she has held back, then you can analyze the daylights out of it and see if you can get to any conclusions you'd be willing to live with. But if the poly reveals more lies, more trickle truth, more bullshit, then the why of this new lie becomes profoundly unimportant...

I agree with the others - go through with it anyway. My D-Days #3, 4, 7, and 8 were "parking-lot" confessions after I caught my WH in lies/continued contact and kept pushing for a polygraph. (More "truths" came out as the polygraph neared.)

I am so sorry, WWTL. You are very justified in being pissed off at your wife's TT and lies 6 years in.

There may be more she is hiding about her and the OM. Considering her affinity to deceive, there may also be more infidelity in her past. Unless you poly you will never know for sure.

Your love for your wife is unquestioned, but how can you trust anything she says?

I wish you the best with your difficult situation.

She is telling me that she knew she was hanging by a thread and that this would have pushed me over the edge, which it very well might have. She now swears that was it and I can ask her anything with the polygraph.

Is she the same person she was when this happened? If you want to give getting back together a shot, get the polygraph. If this is the straw that beaks the camel's back, be kind to her and end it once and for all.

I second Klaatu. I would be surprised if your wife hadn't had previous affairs given what you have told us. And should has had six years to work on the character defects that lead to the A and has used those to not work on herself but to continually lie and minimize. If you don't get the poly you will likely not ever know if you have the full story.

I'm not sure what you can really do with this. Tells me that ya there is more to the story, but if that's it, then that really isn't that big of a deal.

You have lingering doubt though. That's not going to make it any easier.

Oh, I forgot to answer your question:

"...if any WS could give me a glimpse into WtF she could have been thinking going to see him".

From a WS perspective it is simple...she wanted to see him again. Whatever OM wanted to say to her could have been handled during their phone call. At that time of marital turmoil, she absolutely knew it was the wrong thing to do and did it anyway. Meeting the OM was not a mistake.

[This message edited by Klaatu at 10:23 PM, March 21st (Tuesday)]

Apparently a few weeks after DDay he called her with one of the other workmans phone and asked her to meet for coffee. He was scared shitless that I was going blow up his life. She went! She told me they met at an out of the way place and he apologized and told her that it was a game for him that got way out of hand. The meeting didn't last long as she thought she saw my PI's car and left telling him they could never talk again

She was totally remorseful about the affair and never wanted to see him, she loved you and wanted the marriage!!! That is why she broke her ass to meet with him, and only cut it short because she thought your PI was there. Heart warming.

She went on to tell me she knew it was a mistake but was so out of sorts she did it anyway. She basically had no one to talk to about this except me and there wasn't much discussion going on between us. It was more of me telling her what I thought of her, and me threatening divorce any chance I could

BINGO!!! And here lies the total rub, in my humble opinion. Putting in the 110% it takes for R,THAT'S NOT YOUR JOB IT'S HERS!!!! She hasn't done it. And you are now finding more lies and omissions on her part.

In the end you have to do it for yourself, we can advise, and implore. But in the end it is up to you to find your way out of infidelity and to true happiness.

[This message edited by longforgotten at 7:57 AM, March 22nd (Wednesday)]

I have to disagree. This TT is a huge deal. She TT'd him not to long ago and finally admitted she had sex with OM in the martial bed. Now, under the threat of a polygraph, out comes some more TT. TT is a fancy way if saying continued lies.

That she met with him after dday,because OM needed to see her, because he was so upset,shows she had more feelings for OM than she's told WWTL.

And,as every BS knows, every time you get some TT, it resets healing to day one. It's been six damn years since dday.

WWTL, I have called you out for not communicating your feelings better during the five year attempt at reconciliation. With this new info...in addition to the TT about the marital bed several months ago...I feel differently. You weren't communicating your fears, and your pain to her, because your gut sensed she wasn't safe. And you were right. She wasn't...and she isn't.

You have to poly her. This may be just more stallinganuvers. In reality why stay with her, why work it out? First your bed they never slept on, lie. The bj around his co-workers (sickening). The business meeting she setup now this after dday meet up. Just poly her put it all on the table she obviously only lets out bits and pieces as she sees fit. In the end, it's just much more than just the sex the humiliation the degradation...really I mean I can't even phantom why? She would think it's a good idea for what she did or for you to want to be around her. When will the next show fall in another 5 years? I pray for you Wwtl you are a much better man than she deserves.

Well, shit. She's the "gift" that keeps on giving, isn't she? Wonder how many more secrets she has squirreled away... several if I had to bet. The reason I say that is she was coy enough to get the questions ahead of time. Therefore, she only needed to proactively come clean on what you planned to ask. If you want the full truth from her I wouldn't give her any additional advanced notice of the questions you actually ask. Let her mind run wild in the parking lot and I imagine she'll confess things that hadn't even crossed your mind. Also, I thought those suggesting she may have had more affairs in your other recent read were kind of unfairly piling on you. Now, I'm not so sure. She seems far more deceptive than I originally thought.

As other people have said, after 5 (now 6) years it is time for a decision. However, that goes for her (can she ever be completely honest with you) and you (can you reconcile with her once you finally have the truth). I wish you strength, courage, and luck as you enter the home stretch of this odyssey.

Any lie is a big deal. It is. But in the grand scheme of things, it has been an extremely unconventional approach to R for both BS and WS. From rugsweeping, to boiling rage and a cross country separation full of mixed signals.

Back to the grand scheme, a polygraph could ensure it was just a visit to put an end to it as finally revealed. The last AP visit was also the final bit of our TT here, I understand why -- because there is no good way to present that information to a BS, even if it is the big goodbye. Compared to all else that happened? It does not sound horrifying, unless something else is being left out.

WWTL- Part of me is assuming you were looking for a push in either direction, big or small to get closer to a conclusion. And maybe you have what you need to decide.

She is still lying and minimising 6 years later. You don't need a poly you need a D.

Do you want to be married to someone who only tells you the truth under the threat of a poly? Not because she wants to be a safe partner but because she doesn't want to get caught. And she asked what questions you would ask... So does that mean if you don't ask the right question then she can keep lying?

There is a pretty good chance this is not her first affair. She may have been more discreet in her previous affairs, and gradually became bolder till this latest one where they romped around in your marital bed. You were clueless when all this happened, so there could have been prior instances as well. I would definitely suggest polygraphing her about previous indiscretions. Without that, you cannot be certain that this was her one and only affair.

I'm actually flummoxed someone as successful as you are still hangs around a cheater. How much more punishment do you want to inflict on yourself? I always thought people who are successful, i.e. leaders walk the talk when it comes to values, and walk away from situations that don't adhere to their values, whether in personal lives or business lives. I for one had no hesitation walking away and don't regret it to this day. I've forgiven my WW, but ended the marriage because my values are non-negotiable and a woman who cannot adhere to them. I refuse to subject myself to the indignity of hanging around a cheater. There are better women out there and I will find one myself. Sure, there are no guarantees that I'll find someone but I'll keep looking. That should be your goal too, not sticking with a TT'er.

Wow. That has got to be tough. Just when you think there might be a light, albeit dim, at the end of this tunnel.

She went to meet him. After seeing how angry and broken you were. After you had sawed the headboard into pieces. She just could not stay away. She could not say no. It would appear he meant more to her than she cared to admit. What if he had offered to lay low for awhile? To let the storm pass and pick up at a later date? It seems she was incapable of refusing him.

And if she has been reading here for awhile, she surely should have known that continued TT is death to reconciliation. And yet she chose to keep her secret.

Do you want or need to know anymore?

IMO she has made it clear, more than once, that she is not (and it appears never was) R material. Maybe it is finally time to stop this cycle of hurt and re-hurt

waitedwaytoolong,

I am sorry for this last discovery.

I am a bit confuse of what she has told you as IMO it doesn't make sense.

What did she went to see him risking everything? Maybe she thought that as you were leaving her was point less to be NC, but if her affair were just sex, why did he apologized for using her, she was using him too, this is pretty was pretty clear or her version of the affair. IMO there is much more you don't know, an emotional connection as it seems more like a closure meeting for her that was more important for her than to spare you more pain or save her marriage. You should include in the poly test if she ever told him I LOVE YOU. sorry but IMO the only justification is an emotional connection.

Other question, why would OM Contacted her if he was just playing her, no emotions attached and was jeopardizing her living talking to her again.

The both knew about the PI, so why take te risk if not for an emotion connection.

Last thing, an emotional connection may explain also why she arranged the meeting for him to explain her business plan...

So sorry if I am mistaken but I just can not understand why she keep TTing you after all this time and all that happened.

I believe you should go ahead with the poly and expand the questions to her the emotional aspects, about saying I love you, taking care of him, knowing that he was humiliating you and helping him do it. Also ask about other affairs, I am sorry but you don't know her at all

I've been following your story.

I would absolutely divorce. There are other lies or omissions.