SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'll try to lay this out as clean as possible.

Married 1 1/2 years, together almost 5.

No notable issues prior to marriage.

Im early 30's, she's late 20's, he's mid 30's

I've been cheated on by 2 others girls, including a previous fiancee.

Wife is a Paramedic. Suspected other is her boss/paramedic.

Other guy is married with 3 young children.

So my wife and I every year do fun runs, so we typically train for them together. Going on runs outside together.

Late 2016, early 2017 - she started her placement through school, and worked with the guy. Everything seemed on the up. The guy is a super nice guy in general. She invited him to participate in the fun run we do. Not a big deal to me.

Then he started joining us for our training runs, and that where everything starts.

The are closer in height, so they easily matched stride and would chat about their profession. When the run was over we'd all stand in the parking lot and chat, they would dominate it with work.

I was fine with this as I chalked it up as her excitement to be finally working in her field, and his passion for the job.

Over the course of a few runs, I became the odd person out. I stopped going and told my wife why. I wasn't mad, I just basically said I didn't like the feeling so I'd rather not put myself in the situation.

The continued the runs, and started going 2-3 times a week. No big deal yet. The nights would usually go 530-1030ish.

Slowly, instead of chatting in the parking lot, they started going for ice cream, or a snack somewhere close after. Not a fan, and mentioned I wasn't a fan of it to her. She shook it off and stressed just friends and how helpful it's been to chat about work.

Last summer around this time she was hired to work for the service.

They continued their runs through out the summer, and when cold weather hit, they became unable to run, so they'd meet for 'snacks' and drinks. - wasn't a fan, told her so. Was given the same answer.

Then the nights started becoming later, with more stops. We had a couple minor talks about it. Said she would try and blamed it on losing track of time and her bosses ability to talk and talk (he does have a tendency to talk for a lengthy periods.)

So this past January, i finally break and when the opportunity arises I check her phone. I check her texting/picture history with him and there is nothing suspicious there. The texts aren't anything to bad, some light flirting, but there was an exchange where he was drunk out of town, and she told him to 'behave'. It was a very uncomfortable exchange I feel.

A couple nights later she wasn't home by 2am, so i texted both of them. No answer. I call at 235 no answer. Lots of snow that night so i panicked and jumped in my car. 245 i get a casual call from her. I blow up. Ask where she is, why so late etc.

She says they lost track of time and we're downtown. (she hates driving downtown.)

When she gets home, I unload all my thoughts/feelings on her. She says he was stressed about work and got drunk and she was being a good friend, and ended up driving him home cause he was too drunk.

NOTE: I never told her about checking her phone, I said I wanted to, but I hadn't.

End result, she won't be out with him past 12, but 11pm was the ideal time. She abided by this.

They kept doing their 'hangouts', walks/runs as weather improved.

I didn't like how I felt still, and when i went to check her phone she had changed the password. Fortunately she didn't wipe her old phone, so I started to track her with the FIND MY PHONE app.

Never was at anywhere sketchy, but it led to some confrontations.

She'd run an errand, he would happen to be in the area, when I questioned her.

If I was vague, and just asked her where she went, or where they went on their 'run', she would always omit a stop - a different walking trail, a restaurant, and in one case a parking lot in the county they work out of.

All this led to another major blow-up. I told my preference would be they dont hang out, but because I have nothing concrete, I wanted to be flexable and told her once/twice a week, home 10pm at the latest and just runs, no more drinks and snacks.

This is the hill i told her our marriage lives and dies on.

A couple weeks go by stress free, however I've been checking her internet history.

This past Tuesday my gut instinct goes bad again, like it was during all the stuff above. Not 100% why.

She ended up working 4 shifts, with 3 of them having her work late or meeting with coworkers after (entirely possible.)

In her search history, I see her looking up hiking trails, and fun things to do in the area. She also spent sometime on pinterest looking at sexting examples. We don't sext, she's never been a big proponent of dirty talk/sexting.

Tonight she looked up trails in her work area, and was looking up picnic stuff.

She does all this on the couch beside me, obviously laptop tilted away.

There's obviously major problems, just need to some outside takes, before I spend $$$ and hours on counselling. Or if I need to get crafty and find a way to catch them redhanded. (Tough without access to her phone and letting her know i was tracking her by her old phone.)

You might want to get in touch with his wife. I am no expert on raising children but I find that most of my time is spent with my wife and child. We only have one child but could imagine additional time would be required with two additional children. Go with your gut brother.

She has already crossed the line. That level of private socializing with another man who isn't her husband, in a manner that makes her husband uncomfortable. From experience of people here on SI, this could very likely be the tip of the iceberg.

What's worse is that she is in minimizing/denial mode. She is not empathizing with your legitimate concern. All of these are huge red flags.

I suggest you go into stealth mode. Put a VAR in her car. Perhaps hire a PI to follow her on nights she is out. Perhaps even schedule an out-of-town "work trip" several weeks from now, where you will be gone Th-Su, and hire a PI to see what happens.

Stealth on your side is extremely important. If the other man is married, you should reach out to his wife, but do so privately and make it clear that the two of you are sharing notes so that each of you can protect yourself. Do not tell your WW about the VAR in her car (also put a GPS in there).

And, as others have suggested, it might be wise to actually file for D now. After all, she is spending more time with him than you, she has openly defied your request for her to stop doing this, she is clearly minimizing and concealing from you. She really is no longer acting as your wife. For many men, that is all the information they need. You're young, your marriage is short, no kids. Cut-and-run is a quick and certain way to get yourself out of the muck.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 10:38 AM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]

Warpedatticus, welcome to this site. Sorry you having to deal with the clearly wayward behavior you are describing of your wife. You've been cheated on before so you know exactly what your gut is telling you. Speaking for myself, I concur with what your gut is telling you. At the very least what your wife is engaging in is an emotional affair, thus I will refer to her as a wayward wife, or WW for short.

You've voiced your concerns with your WW plenty enough that she should know this behavior is unacceptable. Yet, she continues with impunity and this is eroding the respect she has for you. If you are seeing evidence that she is sexting, she is already thinking about fucking this guy. You know this. You've been cheated on before. I'm assuming you don't have kids, correct?

Personally, I don't think you need much more evidence to collect. She is having an affair by our definition. It generally starts as an emotional affair (EA), then progresses to a physical affair (PA). She's already pushing your concerns aside and diving into that rabbit hole of "what if" and rationalizing every part of it, probably you being the subject of a lot of those rationalizations, like "he doesn't run with me any more, so he must not love me" bullshit.

Save the money with the counseling. It is a waste of time while your WW is in her affair. I highly suggest you first go full "shock and awe". Go to an attorney and have her served. Contact the other man's (OM) wife and let her know what her husband has been up to. Take copies, snapshots of your evidence with you and let her, the Other Betrayed Spouse (OBS) look through them and use them to confront her husband. Don't give your wife any heads up about contacting the OBS and DO NOT rely on facebook messaging to contact the OBS. Try and find her cell#, or where she works, a certified letter, any way to make sure she gets the information directly.

You can spend a LOT of time, money, and emotional energy and try to wade your way through this shit hole you suddenly find yourself in trying collect evidence, catch them in the act, letting her gaslight you out of every suspicion you raise, OR you can serve your WW, contact the OBS, and let the consequences do all that work for you. Kill this affair from the very start, then decide how you want to take things with your WW going forward.

Hold on to the final move of notifying her work place of innapropriate behavior. You may need that leverage later down the road. I don't know what laws are like in Canada with workplace misconduct but if the OM is her boss/supervisor that typically would put him in a very dire career predicament.

In the mean time, defintely check the Healing Library link on the left of this page. Lots of good info there.

DBL post

[This message edited by Jduff at 9:52 AM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]

"That level of private socializing with another man who isn't her husband, in a manner that makes her husband uncomfortable."

I second BFTG writes. Your wife's behavior is not acceptable by any universal marriage standards.

Very suspicious. If i was you i would dig deeper. Such man woman friend relations often lead to infedility. I don't believe i man woman close friend relationships ( except when the man is gay) most of the time in such friend relationships feelings are involved. As a married man you should wear the trousers and prevent the oppertunity that the wife can develop such friend relationships. You should draw the line and tell you're wife she should not pass it. Be the "Man" and take control. Dont be the cuck. I hope it is not too late for you.

Put a voice activated recorder (VAR) in the car. She won’t come clean until you have proof. Never reveal your sources. I think it’s at least an EA and possibly a PA. I’m sorry.

Tell his wife immediately. Sadly, one thing from looking around the net, I found tons of info about cheating among first responders. If she hasn’t physically she has emotionally. Way too much of her free time with him.

Yeah, you need to worry.

WElcome....

Yes your wife is cheating on you. This is typical to feel like you are losing your mind, or over reacting, or being jealous, or just a general WTF is happening here sensation.

1. Your wife is spending time with a man outside of the home, that could be spent with her spouse. This is an issue, and if she doesn't see it that way, it doesn't mean it isn't an issue for you.

2. Locking her phone is typical, and I would encourage you to demand her phone, and password and if she refuses, ask her to leave the home. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. She is actively lying to you and that is unacceptable. PERIOD.

3. If you do not confront things will not change. IF you want to gather more data instead of just flat out demanding the phone, fine, play it cool. Hire a PI, borrow a friends car, and follow her, enlist a buddy, brother, sister, someone you trust to assist you in the spying.

4. I suspect this is more than a EA. They have had far too many opportunities to take it the physical. Look at bank statements, credit card statements, and accounts for unusual spending. Match her paystub to hours worked staying late and extra shifts, are often used as excuses. If she isn't at work, when she says she will be, you pretty much have your answers there.

5. See a lawyer, find out your rights, obligations, and what your options are.

What married woman stays out late/has drinks/goes for snacks, blah, blah, blah with another married man?

Your wife is cheating, and she has been for a very long time.

Go into stealth mode, plant a VAR in her vehicle or in a secret place at home where she talks on the phone.

You've only been married 1.5 years, she's basically been cheating your entire marriage....emotional/physical affair.

She won't be out with him past 11? Gently, why would you put up with this crap?

Never, ever reveal your sources. Ever.

This man is more her husband than you are.

Personally I would tell her that.

“This man is more your husband than I am. You obviously care more about him than you do me.

You are free to work and socialize with him as much as you want, but no longer as my wife.

If you want to be with him, feel free, but I will be taking the next steps to end our marriage as You are Giving to him that you should be giving to me, your husband.

If you would like to stay and work on our marriage you will find a new job and stop all contact with this person. If you do not do that I will have my answer.

I am the prize in this relationship. If you want to be with me you will fight for me. If I’m not important to you then we can move on and find our own happiness and end this marriage. “

Don’t let her put his all on you. She is spending more time with him than with you.

Watch her for a few days and don’t let her come back to your relationship if she is still pining for him.

She should start her own IC to work thru her issues.

Good luck to you.

Frankly removing the gender and the possible affair from this I wouldn't like my wife spending this much time away from the family with anyone, doing anything. Perhaps I am just old-fashioned or some kind of jealous freak but going out 2 to 3 times a week and spending 5 to 6 hours at a time away from the family seems excessive even if what she is doing is completely innocent.

BTW I don't believe it is is innocent. I believe your WW has a boyfriend. She is dating him. Between all of the get-togethers outside of work and the fact that she works with him she is spending almost all of her waking hours with this man. She is in an active affair, most likely physical, and you need to stop it now.

The answer lies on her mobile device. You may need to do a text recovery, but it's there.

She has already crossed the line. That level of private socializing with another man who isn't her husband, in a manner that makes her husband uncomfortable. From experience of people here on SI, this could very likely be the tip of the iceberg.

^^^^^^ That is the point. You don't have to have a 'smoking gun' piece of evidence of sexual contact because what she is doing at the moment is totally inappropriate, particularly when she knows you are not happy with the amount of contact she is having with another man.

I agree completely that you must contact the man's wife immediately and tell her how much contact he is having with your wife, and that you have already told your wife you are unhappy with it. If possible, go and see her in person. The late night out, where they got drunk together should definitely be mentioned, because I would be willing to bet he told his wife he was with a bunch of work colleagues, not a lone woman. I would also bet that he has not told his wife that he is 'hiking' with a lone woman either. Be gentle with her, it may come as a shock to her, but mention to her that if he continues to pursue your wife, you will be reporting it to their workplace. I imagine that will give her plenty of motivation to join you in putting an end to this.

Further, you can tell your wife that if she continues this inappropriate contact, it will destroy the marriage, and that if it reaches that point, you will be informing her work about the inappropriate boss-worker relationship, and demanding that they take action on it.

Also, you are within your rights to go and see the man in question at his workplace and tell him that you do not want him and your wife spending so much time together, and that you are going to contact his management if it continues. That way, all concerned have been warned, and if they choose to continue, and it gets messy, so be it. Once it becomes clear that you will show up at their workplace unexpectedly and blow the whole deal out of the water they will either try and take it deeper underground, or step back from it because of the possible consequences.

[This message edited by M1965 at 11:37 AM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]

The answer lies on her mobile device. You may need to do a text recovery, but it's there.

Normally, this might be true, and the fact that the password on the phone has been changed is a big red flag, but they work together and spend time 'hiking', so an awful lot can be arranged face-to-face, with no digital trail.

I do think that Warpedatticus needs to ask for transparency on the phone, and if his wife refuses, ask her what she is hiding.

Why are you putting up with this? She has a boyfriend. Are you two having regular, passionate sex? What kind of marriage is this?

Find your balls and be the alpha. Tell her she stops seeing this guy or she can find a new place to live and you're filling for divorce.

Firefighter/paramedic here, brother as politely as I can say it, she is having a full blown affair. Does she ever ride the same unit as him? There is no way they are not having an affair and my gut says sex and often. She has bonded with him and has ignored your concerns. This job causes major stress on a relationship and I assure you, he is using it to his advantage. Your problem is a Var is only in her car and not the ambulance, I guarantee you that's where she is doing most of her communicating. Contact the other man's wife and inform her of your concerns. Give your wife the ultimatum, unlock the phone, stop seeing him completely or get the Hell out. I'm sorry you are here, but take the advice you are given to heart, they follow a pattern and she is 100% having an affair!

Have you had a heart to heart conversation with the POS’s wife?

If not, I would suggest that be your first step. Get her to put pressure on the POS to break up this boyfriend girlfriend relationship\affair

Good luck, and just know, it’s going to get a lot worse before gets better

Over the course of a few runs, I became the odd person out. I stopped going and told my wife why. I wasn't mad, I just basically said I didn't like the feeling so I'd rather not put myself in the situation.

Right there.

This is where you should have told her that her that running with him alone and going out with him is alone is totally unacceptable to you. Instead you accepted her busting through a reasonable marital boundary; and because you did, they progressed to the point of having an affair. At least an EA and probably a PA. Yet you are still allowing this to happen. Friend, you need to wake the hell up.

You should tell her to end all contact with him and start looking for another job or you'll file for divorce. Simple as that.

[This message edited by badmemory at 11:21 AM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]