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My last thread started out asking about sexual details and turned into the story of my wife's affair.

I did end up asking her about some of the sexual details including the two topics that hurt me the most:

1) Was sex with the AP better than sex with me ? ( she said it was similar to the sex we had that was not making love )

2) Did he have a bigger penis than me ? ( She said it about the same )

I actually believed her when she told me this. Just now I was lying in bed trying to sleep and it hit me hard that she may have totally lied to me and I believed her because I believed everything she told me for the last 30plus years.

Now I am upset and don't know how to process this.

What if my wife did have better sex with her AP than me ? ( they had sex for two years so this is certainly possible. ) Will she always pine for him if we get back together ?

What if he had a bigger penis than me ? Does this mean if my wife and I her back together that she will always miss his penis ? ( I don't know much about this issue ))

I don't know how to process this.

I was doing better until ten minutes ago. Now I am hurting again.

[This message edited by SweetCreamPie at 12:19 AM, September 29th (Saturday)]

Going through the same exact thing on number 1. Unfortunately I have no answers for you. I too think the exact same thing because I’ve gotten a lot of details from my wife in regards to the sexual relationship. She kept saying the sex was different. Really don’t know how to take that. I’m sure she felt that it was better during the affair because it was something new and different. She hasn’t said a definitive yes or no and that is something that I too am struggling with.

As to your number two, I asked the same question and she said that I was bigger. Initially I thought she was just saying that to make me feel better but then when I was going through her phone, I found a few pictures and a couple jerk off videos he sent her and I got my confirmation that I indeed was bigger. To answer that question for you, I’d ask to see if she still has any pictures. If she does and you’re able to see them, look and get to know for yourself.

As to your other question, the only thing I know is that it will take time. The comparison game will drive you nuts. Its doing the same to me. Just try to be in the moment with her and do your best to block out that piece of shit. Try to remember that what they had wasn’t love. It was lust built on lies and deceit.

Boomer

Your wife said it was different which is a terrible answer.

My wife said it was similar to our non-love-making sex we had for decades which is also a terrible answer.

Neither of us deserves to be in this terrible situation due to our unfaithful wives.

My wife basically destroyed my sex life for the rest of my life if I stay with her. I seriously doubt I will be able to happily accept that sex with her AP was similar to the sex we had for most our marriage ( except when we made love )

Yeah these answers are not good. They are terrible and can damage a lot in terms of psyche. I can only tell you that my wife has not hidden anything since DDay. I’ve gotten horrible details and right now she has been honest and answered every question. While difficult to take, to me, different does not always mean better. Sometimes it just means different. It’s still very hard to take but like I said, the fact that I know my wife’s affair was not love but lust built on lies and deceit, makes me feel better just a little. Sex isn’t easy with us right now I will admit that but we have had some very good sessions. Couple times it was just sex and a little hysterical bonding but we have also had some other good times that it was more than just sex. All with the healing of yourself is trying to move beyond the past. The comparisons can drive you insane and if you really feel you can’t move past it right now, then you have to do what you have to do.

Praying for you.

I also got the "different" answer. It doesn't help at all because I still know she had orgasms with him which is very hard in and of itself. They enjoyed it no matter how you slice it. Whether they enjoyed it because of the sex or they enjoyed pleasing someone else, this is a terrible data point that we all have to accept. It's sickening.

And yes....My sex life will forever be destroyed because of this. I guess this is a crash course in going back to sex for just fun. Or, masturbation. Which is still difficult because of the mind movies. I suppose we have to come to the conclusion that sex just isn't that important in a relationship. Good fucking luck on that...

Do any BSs enjoy sex as much after the affair as before the affair ?

So far we have only two answers to the question "was sex better with AP?":

1) it was different ( two people answered this way )

2) it was the same ( one person answered this way )

I am surprised at these answers. I would think most WSs lie and say sex with BS was better if the AP was better.

Do any WS honestly admit that sex with AP was better ? Should I interpret my wife's answer that sex with AP was similar is a lie to cover up that it was better ?

[This message edited by SweetCreamPie at 2:04 AM, September 29th (Saturday)]

The way I see it (and it may not help you) is that women view this differently. Any decently looking women can walk in a bar and find a guy who is better equipped or have better sex. She could get laid 10 times in one night if she wishes to.

It’s like walking to a buffet with a hundred filet mignon. Some meat piece is a bit bigger some a big longer wider, a bit better cooked etc... but all enjoyable. Would you eat the bit better piece of meat on a paper plate in the street or a bit less nice piece of meet in a fancy restaurant with nice live music?

So even if they do enjoy sex a lot, it’s also how a men will make them feel. I bet an average or below average guy who can make a woman feel extraordinary will have more success, than just the penis size. Your WW didn’t ask to see the POSOM naked before starting the affair. She didn’t ask all the guys int the office to get naked in a row and say: You! You’re have the biggest, you’ll be my AP.

Note that this is only a generalization and I might also be wrong.

Your wayward wife mentioned non-love making sex you had with her. It seems like a clue. Nevermind the size, maybe the AP made her feel « loved » and that was his ticket. Now she’s waking up and realizing that she wasn’t loved, she was used.

I’m not sure if this answer help, I hope it did.

I don't believe I've ever seen a thread here on SI where a WW told her BH that sex with the AP was better than sex with the BH. I don't believe a WW would ever say this, even under the most intense questioning, if she felt even a glimmer of hope for possible R.

We know that most waywards minimize and lie. Therefore, look to circumstantial evidence:

-She invested energy and imagination into creating frequent opportunities for sex with the POSOM. More energy and imagination than she invested into creating opportunities for sex with you.

-She had sex more frequently with him than with you, and she went out of her way to do it.

-She lied to you about this, but she was honest with him. In that way, she was more intimate with him than she was with you.

-She risked your health (via bareback sex) and her job, all for an opportunity for sex with him.

-It is likely she gave you sloppy seconds. Did you ever perform oral on her on a weekday evening? You realize what your mouth was probably tasting. Did she ever come home and kiss you after work? You realize where her mouth probably was, just few hours earlier.

-It's unlikely she gave him sloppy seconds. I reckon she showers most days before work, or in the evening before bed.

So, sum all of that up. Which sex got higher priority in terms of time, frequency, energy, imagination, and intimacy? Therefore, which sex did she prefer?

My WW said the same things, that sex was similar to me and that penis size was the same. Her used the words “sex is sex” at one point. They only had sex 7 or 8 times, and she promises me that we have perfected our sex over the years, and it’s much more enjoyable. I guess I can either choose to believe this or not.

I don’t really care about being HER BEST sex. The best sex I ever have had in my life was the girl I dated right before I met my wife. She wasn’t overly bright, and the chemistry wasn’t there, but sexually speaking she was head and shoulders above anybody else I’d ever been with. I would never tell my wife this. It’s also better with somebody you love and share a life with, but that other girl just had certain skills and a certain enthusiasm for wild sex that my wife doesn’t.

BW here. I understand question #1 because I asked my WH the same thing. He told me the things they did were the same things we did (same - same positions, etc) but was different because it was exciting that he was having sex with someone else. I think for him, since he is a serial cheater, he gets off on doing things behind my back like a naughty child or something. It’s part of the fantasy.

What I really want to say is about #2. I see time and time again BH asking about if AP is bigger. It’s probably how I felt about if my H APs were prettier. For what it is worth, all women I have ever talked to, and myself, size does not mean anything. Unless the guy is very very small or extremely big, everything in the middle is good. Bigger doesn’t mean better at all. Its more about how I feel about the person and how attentive he is in bed, what he does. I have had sex with people with larger penises than my husband but they were not as good because the whole package wasn’t there. Either they didn’t know how to perform oral well, didn’t know how to move, I didn’t feel as connected, whatever. I think it’s the mind fuck that AP do that makes it more exciting, it’s not the equipment at all. If you were bigger or smaller would not of changed a thing. It was the feelings of the kibbles that made them attractive.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this and I have to question yourself at all. The truth is, the A had very little to do with you at all. It’s more about their selfish needs. I know from experience how much it sucks.

I pondered similar questions about MOW. She was taller and thinner than me but no butt and of course no morals. The A was 20 plus years before he pursued me. So I think it was mostly just familiar and hard to give up bc of that. WH OW #2 is much larger than I am, doesn’t work but they have OC x3 together. Always talked bad about her so I did t suspect her but apparently was screwing all of us at the same time. So cheaters are just screwed up. And now I question how many OW? I have never gotten answers.

Cheaters live in a fantasy world and some get a high off of getting away with it.

I hope she is in IC to figure this out. You can’t have true R without the cheater dealing with their issues.

I’m sure there were things you weren’t totally happy with in the marriage but you didn’t chose to cheat.

SCP--

I agree with ThisEffingSucks ... that's really it in a nutshell ... Don't get hung up on the size thing ... too big is just that, too big, middle / average is pretty much what most women are used to. Women have the same types of insecurities about their bodies .... so I think we can all relate.

I think the problem is, that us BSs desperately WANT to hear that the sex was terrible ... that he / she smelled bad, they were selfish, etc. But the reality is that probably wasn't the case and THAT is what hurts immensely. They shared something private and special with someone other than us ... they kept this horrible secret and lied nonstop.

It's painful to process.

I agree with Thiseffingsucks

The size of the penis is irrelevant ...it's something I think all men focus on , but we as women just don't.

But as a BS, I can't help but wonder what that whore did that I didn't or how she could have satisfied him at all.

When my H and first began dating , we didn't have sex until we had fallen in love ( so a couple of months )

He told me that if we had had sex early on , he wouldn't have stuck around because he thinks that if a woman gives it up that easily, she has given it up to everyone...how then could he have had sex with another woman and continue to carry on for years ?

[This message edited by whoami62 at 9:05 AM, September 29th (Saturday)]

Was the sex better and did he have a bigger penis are questions that have been asked repeatedly by betrayed husbands here on JFO. Usually the threads are flooded with answers, questions and stories by relatively new posters. We old-timers… Well… I think we have sort of given up on trying to answer…

Was the sex better? Is it an issue? By the time the WW reaches a stage where comparison even becomes possible then she’s cheated. It’s not as if she didn’t cheat because he came too soon or couldn’t get it up. The moment the first button on the blouse was unbuttoned its infidelity.

If you see sex as a competitive sport where you get graded… well… think again. Never heard a betrayed husband say, “She cheated but thankfully the OM had a weeny-pecker” or “It’s OK – he was a selfish lover”.

If you reconcile and if 6 months from now your wife were to say “that was great. Nearly as good as OM” then you are not in reconciliation. That’s like opening a beer to celebrate six months of sobriety.

Best sex I ever had way before I met my wife. Short-term gf that was completely wild. Best lovemaking ever was the last time with my wife. To be surpassed with the next time I make love to my wife.

Was his penis bigger? (And no – no puns or connections to my user name. Bigger is average down there and happy with that. My user-name is based on ME being the Bigger man due to the work I did on myself post-d-day).

You will probably get about a zillion female poster telling you size doesn’t matter and chances are you will ignore them all.

Chances are you will also ignore what I’m going to say, but due to the prevalence of “was OM bigger” posts I spent a couple of evenings reading surveys and research on penis-size (you can imagine how frequently I cleared my search history!). Using ONLY acknowledged research I got the following conclusion. Unfortunately, I don’t remember the numbers precisely, but I am 90% certain I’m in the range:

Penis size does not relate to body-size. A man that is 5 feet is just as likely to be average as a man that is 7 feet tall. Therefore, most male porn-stars are below average in height. Simple high-school trigonometry will tell you that an average pecker looks larger if the hypotenuse head-to-head is shorter than average. Makes their 5 look like 7 so they can claim it’s 8…

The average pecker is slightly over 5 inches if measured by pressing to the firm part of the root (press in that body-fat) to the end (I admit I don’t have the exact measurement. It might be 5 (1/4 or 1/3, but 5 is close to the correct size. It’s not 7 or 8 inches!). Just over 80% of all men fall in a tight bell around that average, i.e. 20-30% are plus/minus 1/3 inch from the average. By “bell” I’m referring to the curve that is generated from the smallest measured penis to the largest in the surveys. It’s not a gradual hill sloping gently up and then gently down, but rather a steep slope with a narrow and tight middle – like a bell. Or a penis… come think of it…

Get that? Next time you walk down the street just think that out of the next 10 men you meet 3-4 have your precise size, and the odds are high that 3-4 are smaller and 3-4 larger. 1-2 of the bunch are either above OR below average. If I remember correctly then within an inch in BOTH directions, you have over 90% of all males so the chances are the largest of the 10 is at most just shy of an inch larger than the smallest. Plus, more were below the bell than above (i.e. of the 2 that don’t fall within the 80% it’s more likely that they have 4 inch or smaller penises than they have one much larger than 6 inches).

So, did your wife get lucky and from pure luck find a man significantly bigger than you?

Friend – it’s not an issue.

The real issue is that she has the comparison.

She didn’t choose him because you had/have a small pecker.

She didn’t choose him because he had a big pecker because when the affair started – the flirting, the looks, the vibes – she had NO IDEA what he carried.

By the time she saw OM pecker it was already too late.

I see a lot of posts here from men saying what a wayward wife thinks, but no answers from actual WW so I hope it is okay if I response.

Unfortunately for me, my husband found a text I sent that proclaimed the sex I had with my AP was the best sex ever and that I had had 3 orgasms. So there is really no coming back from that.

I do feel the need to explain the context. Was the actual penis in vagina sex better? No. It was the same as any other sexual act. My AP did have a smaller penis than my husband and also had erectile dysfunction and performance issues (which my husband verified with the OBS).

Back to the sex...so no, the actual act of sex was not better. My AP penis was not better, more exciting, more hard, etc etc. When a WW says the word "different" it likely means that the experience, the build up, the excitement was what made it different. You are having sex with someone different than your husband, there are feelings around it that make it taboo, there is anticipation. There is knowing what you are doing is wrong, which I guess adds to the experience (please know these are my thoughts at the time, they are not my feelings towards it now).

The first time had sex with my AP and he lasted approximately 2 thrusts, or 20 seconds. Was that better? No. He could only perform in one position and I rarely had an orgasm during sex, and eventually was just not able to have an orgasm because my mental state took over and I knew what I was doing was wrong. But I kept going back because it fed my ego and my need for attention and desire.

There is no comparing my AP to my husband. My sex life with my husband is much much better than it was before my affair. We communicated better and I feel more connected to him now than I did then. I have an orgasm with him every time. I can tell you I NEVER compared him to my AP.

Usually for woman affairs are not about the actual act of sex. They are about feeling desired, lusted for, the attention the feeling of being wanted, ect. An emotional connection that leads them to feel they can reciprocate by giving sex to the AP. I don't think the size of a penis or the actual act of sex means much to most WW.

I hope this helped you understand a bit.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 9:31 AM, September 29th (Saturday)]

Over 2 years she had some good sex and bad sex with him. In arrangements like she was in, it typically, at the moment seems great when in the middle of an affair. But, sex is sex and the feelings and connection behind it make a big difference.

My experience has been when a wayward spouse looks back after experiencing the damage caused by his/her actions it looks like not much or just an act and wonders how and why they did such a thing for so little.

Sometimes after an affair the individuals grow to hate the AP because they understand they were manipulated and used by the AP for sex or something else that was extra. They see the relationship for what it was and the validation they got was mere words to have them drop their under garments or to open their wallets, etc.

There are a three ladies I think about as being great sexually. But, they are great because of how I felt about them. One was actually inept, the other boring but climaxed uniquely, and the other was off the chain when young but probably now is not very good because of age.

The other thing is sex is like fishing (you like to do this). You may have caught fish and had great trips using a six foot rod, 6.5 foot, 7 foot, and a fly rod which is 9 feet or longer. The fish do not care about the rod they got caught with. Your trip was fun because of the experience and not what size rod you used.

Penis size seems to be a male thing and comes from the porn industry and being emasculated because of the betrayal. If you talk to ladies or read the threads here you will quickly understand that is not their focus. Women from my experience and indepth study of anatomy and physiology cannot seem to distinguish much difference because of physiology and how nerve endings are arranged.

Most of the stimulation is at the first couple of inches of the vagina. If bigger was so much better you would see ladies desiring fisting and I have only seen this in porn. Technique and the emotional connection is where to go for better sex or to improve your experience.

One lady I know had a boyfriend that was to big and could not get into it because he hurt her and she was always trying to keep him in a position to prevent this so she could not let herself go. She dumped him. There is no comparison between who she left him for.

Some / Many ladies do not even need penises to climax and prefer other forms of stimulation. Even when a penis is involved you or they stimulate themselves with fingers and hands or they may use vibrators. Look at vibrator sells if you want to see how important a penis really is.

Female orgasms in my experience are not linear and the strongest and best according to ladies I have been with in my life involved deep emotional connection, intimacy, and a variety of stimulation.

Also, the same partner that was wonderful last month may perform horribly this month depending on what was going on in her life.

Thinking back, the lady with the tightest vagina was definitely not my best sex so why would penis size be that important to a lady?

If you read or interact with enough women they seem less upset about penetrative sex and more upset if you were in love with another woman. This I think is key in understanding sexual differences between men and women.

Sex is pretty similar and involves similar actions. The belief that it was great or not lies within individual feelings and response.

We the betrayed make up grand thoughts in our minds because of the trauma and being emotionally abused. But, when you get down to it, the acts are very similar and really not much different.

If I look back in time, sex with my wayward wife was wonderful. If I had sex with her now it would be horrible. Not because physically it would be different or we would be doing things differently it is because of how I feel and the lack of intimacy and emotional connection.

My opinion is that you now need to focus on your sexuality and healing. The sexiest women I know are those with character and integrity....That can keep their vows. They provide the best intimacy and make the best lovers. Those that cheat and cannot keep there legs together are just someone to have an orgasm with.

(Edited to clean up language.)

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 11:20 PM, September 29th (Saturday)]

I find these threads extremely frustrating, but please read why.

1. I can see that the BHs who write and post are in pain, so I would never want to make their pain worse.

2. But when I, or other women, post information that is true and would be helpful, we are dismissed by other posters in any number of ways.

3. There are several male posters who insist on pushing into these threads to dismiss what we women say about sex AND to redirect the poster to their message that "You are right, it was better with the other guy." Such helpful posts.

4. As if that isn't bad enough, the haters then insist nothing will change this so "just get a D, dude."

5. The cycle repeats on every thread, leaving the defeated original poster further emasculated by these hateful males who will NOT allow women here to speak their truth about sex, what we enjoy, what we need and want, and why we do what we do, and possible make the original poster feel rightfully better.

SweetCreamPie, there are many women here, some of them even madhatters like myself, who have a wealth of helpful information that may allow you to feel better about sex, whether you D or R. But it will be impossible for us to speak our truth with a small group of very bitter know-it-all males telling you that THEY apparently know more about female behavior than we do. So then many of us women won't bother trying to help you. I have no time to argue with people for control of your soul, but they apparently do have time--lots of it. And they will spend all day and night telling you that your wife has broken you forever. They need you to side with them on this. They need you to believe this can't be fixed in your head.

There is a feature if you pay that allows you to block posts from certain members, and some threads, particularly any that discuss how women feel about sex, almost scream out for the use of that feature to keep your sanity. You may want to consider that, but jmo.

My advice? Please believe what the women post in this thread, if your wife is indeed a woman. We women would know what we're talking about, right? Those who come on here to counter us may really bring you down, as other BHs have posted on other threads. And in advance, I'm sorry. So listen to us.

And so, without further ado, I'd like to tell you that we women are looking for many, many tiny unquantifiables when we have sex, and penis size really isn't one of them. Case in point, Boomer45. If he actually saw that he was bigger, then why would his W cheat if she was looking for size? But she did.

What women are frequently looking for is a chemistry that is 75% how a guy makes us feel about ourselves and 25% can we physically get our needs met with him somehow. If he is not great looking, IS great looking, has a large penis, has no penis at all but great moves (as in, why a woman would get physical with another woman), as long as we can have some physical satisfaction we're still pretty good--if the 75% making us feel beautiful, sexy, powerful, mesmerizing is ROCKING OUR WORLD. And that stuff is in our heads and just as hard for us to understand sometimes as it is for you. Sexual desire is not purely physical for most women; there are many other feelings at work.

In an A then, most women are looking for that 75% great feeling about themselves, most likely to fill a vast hole of bad feelings inside them. I would argue that men are too. People don't cheat because having sex feels good; they cheat because having someone begging and wanting you feels good. And that desire for them creates a sexual desire that is not physical at all. Cheaters are attracted to being wanted. Why? That's where also being broken comes in.

Thank you for the excellent replies especially the women.

Please let me ask two very simple questions:

1) do WSs enjoy sex with the BSs as much as they did before the affair or does the misery of the affair ruin sex for the WS too ?

2) do BSs enjoy sex with the WSs as much after the affair as they did before the affair or does the affair ruin sex forever ?

I know a few people already answered these questions but I wanted to address these topics on this thread in addition to the other questions.

Thanks Pink and OwningItNow and effing