SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Some of you wont want to hear this, but after 13 years since the affair, I wish I had started divorce proceedings the day I found out.

Yes she was remorseful

Yes she did all the things a repentant WS is supposed to do

But if I could replay it again, I would have gotten out of the marriage. Several reasons then why I didn't:

1) I wasnt going to significantly reward her monetarily for being a slut (at the time).

2) We had 2 small kids at the time (one with autism) and I didnt want to disrupt their world.

3) She was properly remorseful, and I took that as a good sign at the time for reconciliation.

What I didnt bank on is how it would sour my disposition and outlook on life in general. My personality changed. I've aged dramatically when you look at pre affair pics of me. I almost became a social recluse, and have never really regained my old footing in that manner. I feel like my marriage still has the outline of a shit stain on it..faded over the years..but I can still see it. It changed me into something I dont like very much.

I'm not overly friendly with my wife. We exist, go through the motions, but it feels hollow for me. I'm unable to maintain an erection for her unless i take a pill, but even that is far from a sure thing. I get up in the middle of the night wondering how the fk I ever got into this position. I feel bad, because I know she loves me and she tries, yet I simply cant take her seriously.

I forgave her in an offhand way I guess, but even thinking about her affair will sometimes make me tell her to go to the couch for the evening. Yup...SHE goes..not me. I knew deep down when it happened that this breach of trust would not be repairable, but I thought I could fake it till I made it. I was wrong.

Maybe I need counseling, but not to save the marriage. IMO surviving an affair is solely dependent on the ability of the BS to overlook the fucking tragedy of it all. How some folks keep trying after multiple affairs boggles my mind. I guess I found out belatedly that I'm not going to get over it, at least not enough to continue on with this charade. All I know is when my youngest turns 18, my wife is going to get a BIG surprise served on her. I am unwilling to spend the last 1/4 (or so) of my life in this manner.

Call it a vent or what you will, but my advice is to get out and run far far away. I just keep thinking had I curbed her when it happened, my life in all likelihood probably would have been a LOT better, and I sure AF wouldnt be up at 1:00 am posting in a forum I havent posted in for years.

Hats off to those who made it through it, but in the end it just wont be for me. I just wish I hadnt wasted 13 years figuring it out.

[This message edited by Clint at 1:07 AM, February 1st (Friday)]

Forgiveness is for you, not her.

I'm glad you shared your feelings, Clint.

You deserve to be happy and clearly you are not.

For many, infidelity is a complete annihilation of the M with no true R...a dealbreaker. I don't think it's a forgiveness thing...I think you just don't love her. It's pretty simple if you think about it, but when you're living in a personal hell day in and day out it will eat your soul.

Don't beat yourself up for the reasons that you stayed; you did what you felt was right for your children and your financial situation.

How long until your youngest is 18? Perhaps in the interim, you should ease into this with in-house separation so you have some peace.

Maybe I need counseling

You definitely do. This is no way to live. If you haven't resolved this for yourself by now, on your own, you really should get professional support.

Clint, I can hear your pain in every word. I'm so sorry. And I don't blame you one bit.

I wonder if she feels the exciting shiny new affair partner was worth it. 13 years later and she goes to the couch. Pffffft. She must be walking on eggshells. I suspect she won't be too surprised when she is served.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience. If you haven’t already, I would encourage you to get some help through counseling. What you describe is no way to live.

Does she deserve a lifetime punishment for what she did?

Properly remorseful doesn't mean she is doing the real work...if your sending her to the sofa....I wonder if this is real healing...and yes..you should have gone to IC from the beginning...Its hard to know what it should look like in the early days..did you know what she should do?

I see some important factors that seem ignored for 13 years.

I stayed for the children..I stayed for the finances...I even stayed some for WH health...after 10 years Of R, our marriage ended...WH relapsed and left me for OW...Zero work was done by him..I did forgive him. It was of process and I had to learn it....I did seek IC, I had two..I took AD's...I exercised and took care of me..I found my hobby...and I never felt any better...I was not happy...because WH did zero work...I however, was better prepared for D...with all this work I did for me.

I too am sad about the wasted years. THEy were only wasted by half...the time with my children was not a waste at all..I made that choice up front...I knew it was a possibility...I did it for the children...I have no regrets...that was my choice...and I stick to my choices. Im good for my word.. You should be too..

Maybe you need to revisit some requirements for healing...start IC...while you heal yourself...its all positive for you..and if your done then you will know your done.

I kept hoping WH would get it...come to his senses...I hoped one day, this would all be over...its never really completely over for BS

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 10:17 AM, February 1st (Friday)]

I am sorry you are still circling the drain.

Our best wants on SI is for everyone to be able to heal whether they decide to stay in the R or not.

Yes - definitely get yourself some SI.

One of your reasons for staying was not to disrupt your children's world. But it still probably has. They are looking at a father who sounds like he really feels like a shell of the person he used to be. You say it really has changed your personality, your social life, your everything...therefore that effects them as well.

You say your are just co-existing in your M. That is not the example you want your children to look at for their future relationships.

So please check out an IC so you can be the best you that you can be (regardless if you decide to stay in the M or not).

I get what you are saying - I really do. I tried to nine more years before I finally decided my children deserved a happy household. It was amazing to see my old personality slowly come back. Sadly, my children were shocked to find out that "mom could be fun". How sad is that?

Don't waste anymore time - get yourself some help to navigate your way back to a happier you.

All of these feelings are mine exactly, but at going on four years out. Like you, I know it’s never going away, never going to get better.

I have about five years left before my youngest turns 18. That’s the maximum time my marriage has left, unless something drastically changes, and I do not foresee that. Most say get out now if you can’t get over it, but I’m willing to carry this burden for my kids’ sake, for now.

I’ve also aged noticeably. I was in the best shape of my life the day I found out. That’s all gone now.

Like you, I’m no longer the fun loving man I was. I prefer to just keep to myself 90% of the time.

The first couple of years after finding out, I hoped it would get better. At some point, I just knew it wouldn’t.

If I live long enough for my child to graduate high school, I’m gone. They are the only things keeping me there. I won’t continue living with her once they’re gone. I Just can’t imagine being in a home where it’s just us two.

I used to look forward to our lives together as we grew old. Now it’s impossible to see it.

Sewardak - from my point of view, yes she does. I’m only speaking for myself, but what cheaters do, no matter the end result, is punish their spouse for life.

Additionally, they erase however long of a life we had together before the event. Like many have reported, looking at a picture of us from during the affair no longer brings joy, but pain. Instead of seeing a picture and remembering the happiness from a vacation or holiday, I’m only reminded of how stupid I was, and see only deceit in her eyes.

That said, the correct choice is not to inflict the punishment. Yes, they deserve it, but it would hurt our own souls just as much.

Forgiveness is for you, not her.

Totally disagree with this. Mind you, I deal with a malignant narcissist who continues to work very hard to find ways to mess with me, even more than a decade after the divorce was final.

I won't forgive him. The things he has done are not forgivable, and he shows no indication that he will stop doing them.

I will, however, and have come to accept what he has done and the impact it has had on my and our children. I don't go around angry and bitter--I've let that go. I just anticipate him to continue to do as he has always done and deal accordingly with it.

That being said, I do think therapy would be helpful for you to learn to find acceptance. It may be that this is totally a dealbreaker. It happens, and it's sad, but there are some things you just cannot ask your spouse to accept. This is often one of them.

Reconciliation is very, VERY hard. There is a reason why an overwhelming majority (more than 2/3) of marriages that experience infidelity end in divorce. It may be, like your situation, years after the affair, but they end for reasons you've described below.

It's now time to work on your own healing and acceptance, no matter what path you choose to take.

Cat

Properly remorseful doesn't mean she is doing the real work...

Clint, I feel for you and can empathize as there were years that I was exactly as you described. It was horrible.

I wonder too if she has done all the work. What does that look like or mean when you say she has done all the things a repentant WS is supposed to do?

I just wish I hadnt wasted 13 years figuring it out.

So you stayed out of a sense of obligation to your two young children. There is nothing wrong with that and the sacrifice you made for your kids. That is not a waste of time. You did what you had to do to get by. There is no need to beat yourself up over your choice to leave.

Sorry you are still suffering. I'm hoping the future will bring you some peace.

(((Clint))) I'm in the same boat. I'm one of those who stayed after False R partly because my WS had a cancer scare at the time and also for the kids/finances. We had a separation where I thought I saw remorse but it was short lived.

I can echo everything you say from looking at pictures and their effect to my physical appearance. It changed me as well. Good in some ways bad in others.

I honestly think for some of us this trauma will stay with us. I thought I would be closer to the vibrant self I used to be but I am nowhere close.

I don't have any answers except to try and find some joy somewhere each day for you.

IMO - you’re doing to her what she did to you - lying and justifying it. Really wanna be that person? If not just tell her you’re leaving when said kid is old enough. Why not do this?

When you close your eyes and imagine the man you want to be, the life you want to have, what do you see? What can you do to have the kind of social life you desire? What do you value? What do you want to have accomplished by the end of your life?

I do think an IC can help you regain your agency.

I don't see him living a lie. He noted that he is not overly friendly with his fWW and that when thoughts of the A get to him, he sends her out to the couch. I think she knows well that he lives in a troubled state, still. He justifies staying as a sacrifice for his children, not as a lie.

This is so sad. Was her A very long or very public?

If my math is right, the HS graduation should be not far away. How much longer need you wait? And does it really make sense to wait?

IMO - you’re doing to her what she did to you - lying and justifying it.

Seriously?!? This is in no way even close to what his WW did to Clint and their family. Clint has not lied to his WW and there is nothing he has to do to justify leaving this marriage. The marriage was over when his WW decided to sleep with OM. Clint deserves credit for not deserting his children and family throughout this difficult time. He should be commended, not bashed and his actions compared to a WS!