SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I Marie Kondo’d my marriage and frankly my EX wife. For those that don’t know her, Marie Kondo is a tiny woman from Japan who doesn’t speak English, but is one of the biggest people on social media.

She is an organizational expert, mostly known for organizing clothes although other things too. She has people take all of their clothes and pile it on a bed, which illustrates just how much they have. She then has them hold up each item piece by piece and ask themselves if this item still brings them joy. If it does it stays, if not she urges you to find a home for it with someone else, or Goodwill.

It doesn’t have to be the best thing money wise or even style wise. That grungy tee shirt you mow the lawn in but brings you joy stays. That $200 shirt you bought 6 months ago goes if it doesn’t.

After watching her, I realized this is what I did with my marriage. It was going OK. My EX would have done anything for me and I didn’t feel like she was ever going to cheat again. I could play as much golf as I wanted, and go one as many trips too. Everyone thought we were good. Yet after her affair I never felt the joy I had prior to it. Something was just not right and probably never would be again

So I said goodbye to her and the marriage. I still am searching for the person that can bring me the joy that she once did, but haven’t found her yet.

I wonder how other BS and WS feel. Is there joy in your marriage and joy with your spouse?

Nope. That's why I'm divorcing.

I am finding joy as a single woman, though. More joy than I thought possible. Life is so good.

waitedwaytoolong - You are missing a very important part.

The person that is supposed to bring joy in your life is not another woman. It is YOU.

Then when you find joy within yourself, life will get a lot better.

love the title!

I don't have much joy in my life, but that's not my fwh's fault. I have major depressive disorder. Have had since before I was 15 years old. So, joy is just not something I have ever really known.

I have never seen her...but I have heard about her and her philosophy :smile.

Is there joy in your marriage and joy with your spouse?

There definitely IS joy for BOTH my M and my H . There was also JOY when I went for D with my XWH !!!

You TRIED to heal IN your M...but adultery was a dealbreaker for you. I HOPE you have found HEALING now Dear Sir .

Is there joy in your marriage and joy with your spouse?

If my marriage didn't offer some joy and serious chances for more joy, I'd be done.

I'll borrow some thoughts I shared on SI this morning in another post:

My own theory is that reconciliation doesn't have a pot of gold at the end of it. There is no tape to be broken at the end of a long run. I think R is lifelong -- and really just a greater, more measured approach to being married. I'll never be glad my wife and I are closer now because of her previous poor choices, but there it is. We ARE closer now than ever before, and we like being kind to each other, dating and having fun.

And love is something that is understandably not mentioned a lot here on SI. I understand that the vast majority of members who are active here are either very early on with the pain of betrayal or have a tough time moving on. In that sense, love gets lost in the shuffle -- like it does every single time infidelity happens.

But at the end of the day, I'm not ignoring the horror show, nor am I ignoring all the good my wife did along the way as well. I'm embracing who she is trying to be now, today. And I'm doing that with levels of love and understanding I didn't think I was capable of experiencing after what she did.

If my wife was a shirt, or a couch or an object that was only supposed to give me joy, I suppose I would set her aside.

Instead, there is a flawed human in front of me, who can't change what she did, but wishes she could.

I've appreciated her evolution since her confession. I've appreciated her kindness and empathy. I feel great about returning that kindness and empathy to her. I think a lot of that has to do with love.

Healing from this stuff is never, ever easy.

Self-love is certainly a part of it too, as I think that applies whether we heal solo or with your spouse. But yeah, if there wasn't any joy here, I would have no problems getting out.

love the title of this post!

WWTL - you just saved me so much agony! not about my WH and marriage -pfwt, that’s on it’s way out! But the agony of downsizing this house...all my career clothes now that I’m retired. Thank You!

I love that her name is now a verb.

I touched my WH and he most definitely did not spark joy, he sparked nothing but anger.

So I tossed him out.

The Marie Kondo Method could definitely be applied to WSs.

My M no longer sparks joy either might be time to implement this Marie Kondo

Zamboni

You did not Marie Kondo your marriage, she did.

The old shirt that was not bringing enough joy was you and your marriage.

"You did not Marie Kondo your marriage, she did.

The old shirt that was not bringing enough joy was you and your marriage."

Wow! Just, nope. This is wrong and nasty.

Best.....Title.....Ever.

I will stop reading right now and go to other room and try to "fold" my SO to see, if he still sparks joy. I will let you know shortly

(I tried Marie Kondo method but the biggest hurdle are my books, all 4000 (probably more) of them).

Like Oldwounds, if I hadn't thought R would maximize joy, I wouldn't have R'ed.

*****

bookworm: Hold the book. If you feel joy, you keep it.

If you don't feel joy, well, you gotta keep it, if only because the next time you pick it up, it may give you joy.

Books are not clothes. Or tools. Or appliances.

Just sayin'....

I realize that I am the person responsible for my feelings. It is my responsibility to look for joy.

It is just that after 25 years of a really good marriage, and even with 5 years of living with her after the affair, I miss sharing life’s moments with someone. I know that person is out there, I probably have even met her, but the filters I see other women now keep me from going all in.

I will get there.

In terms of me being the old shirt, I don’t see it that way. Her life at this point in time was bringing her no joy. Instead of coming to me and figure out what to do, she threw out her life, and me and our marriage was collateral damage.

It is good to see some here who have found joy after infidelity. It is no easy task and I’m sure doesn’t happen without hard work.

On a side note the folding technique is amazing. I had about 15 pairs of golf shirts that sat in a pile in a drawer. I really never went past the 4th one, and when I did the pile would get totally messed up .

Now I have about 7 pairs after I got rid of more than half, instead of being in a pile, they are folded into squares and sit in the drawer stacked from back to front. It is on one level where I can see each one. So much better

I have totally had this thought about my marriage. I LOVE Marie Kondo's books as well.

Husband, spark some joy or gtfo.

He sparks a lot of bad feelings in me right now.

My fwh started folding his shirts like that. Works for me because now I don't need to fold them. Don't know how.