SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

16months ago I asked my husband for his phone, 15 years married, but together for 27yrs, he’s 52 I’m 46, after an hour of deleting old files he handed his phone for me to do a personalised calendar on our pc, sat with our 22yr old daughter she asked him if he’d emptied his deleted files as there was so many files to download...he lost all colour & promptly removed his phone from my pc, hastily leaving the house aswell.

Both my daughter and me thought this extremely strange...straight away I cud see many dick picks (18) in total!

Upon closer inspection I found 2 videos of him masterbating solo, 1 in our bed the other was somewhere I didn’t recognise,

I clicked on a video that was taken while on my sons stag weekend in Blackpool to actually see my husband having sex with a girl that’s our daughters age...not only had he taken 1 video but had actually taken another 1 of her masterbating for him. Daughter heard a little but I didn’t allow her to c anything.

He kept the videos for 6 months before I found them!

I left him for a week then moved back because my children begged me to..we have 4 children 28, 25, twins of 22, we have 9 grandchildren to,

I’m lost as I can’t Unsee what I watched, I don’t have to use my imagination cause I seen it with me own eyes, devastated doesn’t even come close to how I feel, I bounce from either I want to kill him or I want to grab him & not let go, wtf??

I don’t understand why...we were bloody sickeningly happy, we both had freedom to go & do whatever we wanted as trust had been earned over the yrs we’ve been together, he has had 2 previous affairs with 2 of my best friends...1st was while my twins were in hospital in special care after having them 6 weeks early, lasted 2 months before he crawled back asking for forgiveness (having 4 children under the age of 5) also with 1 of our twins ongoing problems from prem birth, I took him back!

2nd affair was with our sons best friends mum also like I said my best friend to! Not sure how long that lasted as both said it was a 1 night stand in my bed while I was away!!

Feel like I’m broken into a million pieces unable to patch myself up...sometimes I want out of this nightmare so bad

Other times I want to crawl all over him & pretend it doesn’t exist, will I ever feel any different? 15 months later & im still so angry hurt & confused

[This message edited by Scoobydoo at 4:45 PM, March 14th (Thursday)]

Hi, welcome to SI. So glad you found us, you will find a great deal of support here. Have you checked out the Healing Library?

Gently, your husband is a serial cheater. This is the third affair that you know of, he seems to have figured out how to lead a double life. Again, gently, how could you trust him after he had two prior affairs? What did he do to make himself a safe partner? Counseling? Books? Transparency? What consequences did he face?

Did you rugsweep his prior affairs? Just asking for clarity, because he has shown you three times who he is, you need to finally believe him.

Please seek out a good counselor for yourself and figure out why you would allow him to emotionally abuse you because that's what infidelity is, emotional abuse. Also get tested for STDS asap.

We all understand the excruciating pain of infidelity, but sometimes love is not enough. Your husband is not remorseful at all. He did not learn anything after his first affair. He has just figured out a way to hide his cheating better. He will continue to do what you allow him to do.

Your children are grown, they do not understand the magnitude of their father's actions. You don't deserve any of this.

What makes you think this will never happen again? He's hurt you three times, that's why I think you need to find a good counselor to figure out what it is in you that would allow his continued abuse.

Sending a huge hug.

Scooby, why did your children ask for you to come back? Did you tell them why you moved out? If not, do so right away. They are adults and can handle it.

Get tested for STDs immediately. Your WH is a serial cheater. He never stopped. Does he even admit to you that it happened and apologize? If he doesn't put serious work into never cheating on you again then this pain and rollercoaster will be your life for as long as you stay with him.

Very gently...your children are old enough to understand what has happened throughout your marriage. Don’t allow them to dictate what you do. You can live near them or with them and not have their father around. Please get into IC. Your husband has been doing a number on you for your entire marriage.

Shit, I'm sorry.

How is your daughter acting since then? She heard the video. Have you spoken with her?

Thankyou for your feedback,

he didn't face any repercussions from his 2 previous affairs, he blamed the pregnancy & birth of our twins (I didn't give him enough attention)

I've asked for us to go to couples counselling but he says it would be a waste of money as we can work it out ourselves...I have debated so much about being tested but I just can't face it, I feel humiliated enough.

All our children know about his previous affairs, also know about this last 1 night stand as 2 of our boys were with him on our eldest sons stag weekend, they didn't know till our daughter rang them all when she heard the video, my eldest son & daughter didn't want me to go home, however it was 2 weeks before xmas, so I went back after 1 week.

our son (he was the stag) & daughter have struggled with their dad up till now, he has worked hard with all the children since its happened. they do seem to be coping better now.

He's very attentive now, in 15 months he's taken me away on holiday 5 times, constantly buying me new things...which I have asked him to stop as I just felt like he was buying my forgiveness,

I very rarely bring it up..its always him, he fluctuates between "forget it its over now I won't do it again' to "sorry it won't happen again" "I don't know why"

The 18 dick pictures & 2 solo masterbation videos were meant for me (so he said)...I recieved 3 pics, I haven't got a clue who received the rest

when I reread what I have wrote I know he sounds terrible, selfish, a liar, a cheat etc etc, & I know I would be saying everything you have said but its so damn hard to be strong when all I want to do is ignore it!

thank you I will definitely look at the Healing Library,

we were bloody sickeningly happy, we both had freedom to go & do whatever we wanted as trust had been earned over the yrs we’ve been together, he has had 2 previous affairs with 2 of my best friends

Sorry, but I'm having trouble understanding how he has earned your trust over the years? Your kids are between 22 and 28 years old, yet you've been married only 15 years. At least one of the affairs was before you finally married. What work did he do to regain your trust the first two times? Was the second A before or after your M?

I have debated so much about being tested but I just can't face it, I feel humiliated enough.

Scooby, this isn't an option. Many common forms of HPV can cause sudden and aggressive cervical cancer. Your very life is at risk if you do not get tested. Your life continues to be at risk each and every single time your WH cheats. It's amazing that you haven't caught anything yet that you know of but that could end at any moment. You need to get tested. Make him go with you and support you while you do it.

I very rarely bring it up..its always him, he fluctuates between "forget it its over now I won't do it again' to "sorry it won't happen again" "I don't know why"

He'll do it again because he has done zero work to change. This is who he is and has been for years. He can't just stop especially because he has no idea why he does it. There's nothing stopping him the next time an opportunity rises because he knows that all he has to do is sweet talk his way out of it and buy you some gifts.

The 18 dick pictures & 2 solo masterbation videos were meant for me (so he said)...I recieved 3 pics, I haven't got a clue who received the rest

Did you receive 18 dick pics and the video? No? Then that's a lie. Who got those pictures? Did he sleep with her too?

when I reread what I have wrote I know he sounds terrible, selfish, a liar, a cheat etc etc, & I know I would be saying everything you have said but its so damn hard to be strong when all I want to do is ignore it!

We're all telling you this because each and every single one of us has gone through this. Every single one. And those of us who did what you did - ignore it - got another DDay. We got a WS who left the marriage for the AP. We got an STD. Some of us have almost lost their lives because of that STD. That's your future if you stay and ignore it. You can either demand that he do the work or you free yourself from him.

Also, do your children know about him cheating when you were pregnant? If not, it's time to tell them and show them that this has been going on the whole time and he's not going to stop now just because you caught him again. Their opinions might change when they realize their mom deserves more than to be put through this over and over again.

Both A's were post marriage, his 1st affair was 22 yrs ago, 2nd was 17 yrs ago, when put into an actual timeframe I can see why you would be confused

Think in all honesty I thought (stupidly) if we got married he wouldn't do it again.

Both A's were post marriage, his 1st affair was 22 yrs ago, 2nd was 17 yrs ago, when put into an actual timeframe I can see why you would be confused

Think in all honesty I thought (stupidly) if we got married he wouldn't do it again.

So both As (that you know of) occurred before you got married. Again, what work did he do to regain your trust? It sounds like he really didn't do anything, and the previous As were just rug-swept. That's why he's lying again.

he fluctuates between "forget it its over now I won't do it again' to "sorry it won't happen again" "I don't know why"

I hope you hold his feet to the fire this time, or he'll do it again. He has had no real consequences the first two times, so he knows he will get away with it again. He needs to do the real work this time or all you're doing is setting yourself up for another DDay.

Your children are old enough now to survive a divorce - if that is what you choose.

Your H has serious issues and the concept of monogamy appears to be one of them.

Please know his affairs have nothing to do with you or your marriage. They were poor choices he made over time. It sure why. But he did.

what work did he do to regain my trust? A question iv asked myself since it was asked earlier, & still I have no answer for it...I really have no clue!!!

He doesn't go out anymore, doesn't do anything unless its with me, he's more invested in our children & grandchildren than he's ever been before (I no longer have 4 adult children I have 5)

the changes have been more noticeable since this last A has come to light (does a 1 night stand = An Affair?)

he now does things I like doing...weekends away watching British super bikes, walks, revamping our house, beaches etc...things he would always moan & refuse to do with me in previous years

He'd always been a socialite, known in all the pubs locally, very big personality,

now he's the exact opposite.

I don't for 1 minute think its only happened the times I know about, he just hid them better,

I think he's trying to make changes, I just don't know if its enough for me now after all this time, omg I want to be strong enough to walk away but then I don't,

im so confused...I haven't got a clue what to do regarding any of it.

I love & hate him in equal measures

Scooby,

Have you considered going to IC to help yourself out. From an outside perspective of a BS, it seems like there are some common themes here which don't appear to be healthy for your M. It seems pretty clear that he faces no consequences for his actions so it seems pretty clear he would have no motivation to change. Quite possibly, if he faced consequences he still may not change? If your wanting and willing to take that risk, then you are also risking finding yourself posting here 6 months, 1 year, 2 years from now about more affairs. The choice is yours. Good luck.

I know I have some major decisions to make regarding him but firstly I am making an appointment to be tested ASAP then I’m going to find someone who can point me in the right direction for help with counselling in my local area,

I have changed so much of myself...I don’t know who I am anymore, 4stone weight loss, all my hair cut off, I have been making myself sick with regrets & questions,

I dress differently I look different but I don’t feel any different!!

I’m going to concentrate on finding myself with or without him

I’m going to concentrate on finding myself with or without him

Best plan you can have😊

I found out after my H’s last Affair that I really like myself. And if he doesn’t - he knows where the door is.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:07 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

Scooby , be the change you want to see in your world. You cannot trust him to be that change , he has proven that time and again. Your kids deserve to see some powerful role model emerge that is not the model set by your so called husband , It is you , be strong . Emotions are temporary but the consequences of our reactions can be permanent.. this is normally a statement to urge restraint , in your case I feel you need to follow your emotion and heart and the cosnequences are only his to bear .

Scooby honey you ate horribly codependent .

Please start prioritizing your life. You Kids. Grands. Then maybe him if he starts doing some real work. Buying gifts isnt doing the work or making changes that would make him safe or trustworthy. That's just acting like a responsible adult.

He obviously has some deep seated issues and lack of boundaries that allow him to keep hurting you like this. You cannot fix him. He has to do that. What you can do is set some healthy boundaries for yourself.

How do you do that?

Well first things first. You make a to do list

1. Go get STD tested this includes bloodwork and a pelvic. It includes hepatitis and HIV screening. You demand he do the same. You don't have unprotected sex until he proves he is clean for 6 months. Period. Actions have consequences. This is one.

2. See an attorney. Learn your rights his obligations and what D or S would look like for you. given the kids are grown you need to be sure you will remain financially sound should you choose to D

3. Get a really good therapist. One that has experience with infidelity, trauma, and abuse.

4. Do one kind thing for you every single day.

5. It sounds like you have dropped a significant amount of weight. Talk to your Dr about what you are dealing with. That you are having trouble eating. Additionally if you are not sleeping well share that as well. You may benefit from medication as many of us here did. I dropped 20+kilos leading up to dday and an additional 10 in the week after. I was in a constant fight/flight state. Anti anxiety meds allowed me to break that cycle and finally get some sleep. When that happened I found I was much better in controlling my emotions and made much better choices.

Keep reading and posting here. We have been in your shoes. While each story is unique the experience is not.

2.

Sorry its taken me some time to respond to you all,

iv spent days familiarising myself with this site, reading others nightmares has been extremely eye opening (not in a good way)

I will say my WS has definitely TT me over the years, he's never been truely remorseful (just sorry) I didn't know the difference till I arrived here

I DONT have access to any of his social media accounts, even though I'm convinced it was through FB he sent the pics, I can access his phone but I would have to pry it from him as he never puts it down,

he constantly goes into defence now when I lay boundaries & restrictions, he says he's not being treated like a child?? I'm lost to what to do now, no MC, no boundaries, tells me "his not going out to the pubs" should be enough that he's trying...he went out last night to watch football came home sometime in the early hours (I was asleep) he slept on the sofa as I have work today,

my heart is shattered, I'm so damn tired of everything,

I work hard 3days I also look after twin grandchildren 2days pw for my son & DIL to work, I c my other 3 kids & 7 gc at least once every single week, I am a good mother & nanny to all my babies,

every thing else in my life is so simple filled with love, respect & so so much joy...y dcant I have that in my marriage as well,

I may be 46 but I don't look it, I'm not MUTTON DRESSED AS LAMB, extremely luck to be a young looking 46, I smile loads, I have a sense of humour, I like to socialise (quiet meal..drinks at friends, cinema)

so what the hell is wrong with me that he can't want to make it work with/or for me??

falling apart at seams T_T

I have made a decision to seek medical advice abt std’s,

Also going to go to IC for my own benefit (not his)

He shouted this morning, then left the house sending a text then a phone call asking if I wanted him to move out? I’ve spoken to my children they are all fully aware of what’s going on,

His choice was either move out or move to the spare room, I know it sounds stupid (it was 1 night out) but it was made very clear to him this was a boundary for me!! Am I overreacting?

Thank you for all ur kind words & also just being here for me x

Couple of things.

so what the hell is wrong with me that he can't want to make it work with/or for me??

no, No, NO!!!! NONE of this has anything to do with you and your abilities. People who cheat are broken individuals. Their choice to cheat is NOT because of any shortcoming on your end. Stop that thinking now. That is typical mindset of a newly BS who has been gaslighted by their WS for a period of time. "If only I was thinner/fatter, nicer/meaner, sexier/homelier, whatever. The thing is none of that is the real reason they cheat.

Remember no matter what reason/excuse your WH is using it has Zero to do w/ you and you need to remember that.

His choice was either move out or move to the spare room, I know it sounds stupid (it was 1 night out) but it was made very clear to him this was a boundary for me!! Am I overreacting

?

NO you are not overreacting. This man has cheated on you multiple times clearly with no regard to how it impacts you and he believes he can do whatever he wants because he has never faced any consequences. Until he does he has NO reason to even consider changing what he is doing. YOU need to start enforcing boundaries, and limits. You need to find your voice and make it heard. This often is done more through strong actions like kicking him out of the bedroom, refusing sex, filing for D. All of these things make him see you are no longer going to tolerate being treated the way you have always allowed him to.

He may start to do the work, but more likely won't but at least you know where you stand. Then it becomes a much easier decision to be done with him.

Please along w/ getting IC, and STD testing, see a solicitor. Learn your rights so you can make an informed decision on what happens going forward.

Time for you to take back control of YOUR Life.