SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For four years she got way too close with another man. The whole time I knew that this man was madly in love with her and would do anything to make her happy. I told her I was unhappy with their relationship, but she dismissed it, saying they were only friends.

This past December, I was hired by a high profile company and got a dream job. I was flown out to Texas, then to Mexico. People in my industry took note and praised me for my accomplishments. Suddenly, she stopped paying attention to this other man and I was again the focus of her attention. This lasted until about the beginning of March.

We started going to a local restaurant and it turned out that an ex boyfriend worked there. Not just any ex, but the guy she waxed over. The guy I knew would be a problem if he ever came back into the picture. So I decided to start monitoring her phone usage. To my surprise, she was talking to a coworker after work everyday. This guy was a friend, but we barely talked. I noticed that she was talking to him everyday on her way home for a half hour. Then there was a company party and I stayed home with our two kids. Through the night, people were posting pictures on social media. Then I saw one with her and him, they were way too close in the pic.

When she got home, I confronted her. She swore they were just friends, but my wife is drop dead beautiful, a women men leave their wives for. I said, “he’s going to get the wrong idea if you keep talking to him like this”

She denied it and told me how in love he was with his wife.

Less than a month later, we had our 4th birthday party for our daughter. This man and his family care over. He sat in my kitchen, telling me how much he missed and loved me.

Right after that, my wife started to pull away from me. About the same time I started to really suspect she was up to no good.

Today 7-26, I was expecting a big commission check and I was going to take a portion to hire a PI to follow her and prove my suspicions. They would’ve had an entire extra whole week had it not been for the first guy I mentioned in this story hiring a PI before me.

Last Friday at 5:04 pm the other man’s wife called me to tell me a PI just dropped pictures off at her house of my wife and her husband leaving a motel. I couldn’t breathe, my heart felt like it was about to explode.

I immediately called the first guy in this story and said, “I want the pictures” he played dumb for a second, then said hold on and sent me the video. My heart nearly burst.

She played me, then played the first guy. The first guy was a scorned lover and he went to inflict maximum damage by endangering two marriages and 7 children.

She tried telling me it only happened one time, but I told her that’s BS. You’ve been screwing him for months.

She finally fessed up, but is still trying to downplay the affair.

I’m so angry, I feel like a fool.

I feel broken.

I’ve devoted 10 years of my life to this woman, all to be shattered by a troll of a man. His wife told me he has a really small dick. Which kills me because I don’t and why would she keep screwing him? I’m also in great shape. Get told I look like Robert Downey Jr. I’m also attentive. Loving. A great father. A great provider.

She traded down, hard.

I told her I’m not looking for a divorce, but it’s going to be a long time before I will get past this.

I start therapy on Thursday.

Sorry you find yourself here.

I will just say one thing to begin.....

Telling your WW that you will not D immediately after busting her is a mistake......if she believes you are going no where, no matter what, then she will be much less willing to be truthful and make the changes necessary to even make R possible.

She is broken to do this....that is the only ‘why’ that matters, so stop wasting time trying to figure her actions out.

That said, just because she is broken doesn’t mean she is going to accept that or be willing to do the work to fix her problems.

And if she doesn’t fear that you will D her, she will be even more resistant to it.

So....you might want to tell her in your next conversation that you are no longer sure that you want to stay M to her......

She has to actually believe that she will lose her M to you if she doesn’t figure out why and how she had these affairs, get individual counseling to begin working on these issues, and start proving to you that she will be a safe partner in the future.

And BTW.....I hope you have realized she is a serial cheater who has had TWO PAs (at least)......

OM1 only got a PI, and went out of his way to blow up the A with OM2 because he wanted her back all to himself.

Notice....he told BW of OM2.....but not YOU.....

Because he wanted her to stay in THEIR affair.....and if he had told you, then his A would come to an end too.

And there is no way he would have gone though ALL of that (PI....finding and telling OM2 BW) just because he had a crush on her......

Your DDay was a reveal of TWO PAs simultaneously because of jealousy between your WW’s affair partners.

Is your WW admitting BOTH A’s?

[This message edited by Dyokemm at 9:40 PM, July 26th (Friday)]

Please tell us more about your situation. Knowing some details of your M and family helps tune the advice more to you.

But I will tell you that “drop dead” beautiful women have a very mixed bag in life. Even now, everything about them is derogated in favor of fawning over a beauty that was purely a genetic gift. They become proud and vain because everyone always stops to look at them, and they think they are “better” than others. If they are smart and talented they can escape this, but fall victim to the trope that they could not possibly achieve so much on merit and must be sleeping with men in power. The ones who do not have something else to feel proud about just surrender to being beautiful at the cost of success and character.

So take an objective inventory of your wife. What kind of person is she?

I told her I’m not looking for a divorce, but it’s going to be a long time before I will get past this.

Zero consequences. Hope you didn't set yourself up for a repeat.

You should trust your gut in these matters. It's screaming at you for a reason. You probably only know the "tip of the iceberg".

She cheats and you go into IC? What about her?

So sorry you are here, Guillermo. This kind of thing is devastating and torture of the heart. Unfortunately it happens all the time. So welcome. You have just joined the club that no one ever wants to join. We are here for you.

Please read the two pinned threads at the top of the Just Found Out forum. They contain helpful information. Also please read articles in the Healing Library on the yellow tab at the upper left of this website. Especially read about the 180. It is for your protection right now.

At first you are so devastated that it is like a bomb has gone off in your life. Focus on you and your children. Eat healthy, drink plenty of water, exercise, try to get enough sleep. Believe it or not doing all of that as a routine is very helpful.

You will receive advice and encouragement from some very wise people here who are veterans of going through this sort of thing in all kinds of ways, including myself. Take what applies to you and leave the rest. Sometimes a comment might be hard for you to hear or digest. But please believe it is with your best intention at heart and comes from many years of experience.

Cheaters lie. They are very good at it. They have been making a practice of it for a long time. How long has your wife been able to look you in the face and lie right to you while all of this stuff has been going on? Well, she is not just going to stop doing that. She will continue to lie to you. Sometimes you will even hear a cheater say it is because they want to protect you from the truth.

So you are in for a long road unfortunately. Your emotions are going to be all over the place. Please do not put yourself under pressure to make any decisions right now about whether to stay or leave. That will come in time. Right now you should be focused on making sure that you have all the power in this situation by not accepting her making demands or excuses or minimizing or blaming you. This is not your fault. A cheater always has other options than to choose to go have sex with someone else and then come home to you and lie about it.

I have to go to bed but I will be checking back with you. Please take care of yourself and your children. And do not let her sweep any of this under the rug. What she has done to you is arrogant and selfish and egregious and very deeply hurtful. You have a right to be upset and feel a wide range of emotions.

You should require her to give you all access to her phone and laptop and tablet and social media and email. You should require her to immediately cease and desist and have no further contact with this man ever again.

You’ve got yourself a serial cheater. They usually don’t stop. Whatever drives them has nothing to do with their spouses. She has been playing three men.

Reconciliation is going to be tough because you don’t know what drives her. She needs intense therapy.

Mike Tyson said, "Everyone has a plan until they get hit." Your life just took a major hit and you are wobbling around not knowing what to do next. You confidence is at an all time low and you are trying to recover. So let me give you a boost in your confidence. Your wife is beautiful but believe me she is not the only beautiful woman out there. There are scores of beautiful women that would kill to be your wife. What you don't understand, and neither does your wife, is that you can replace her just as fast as she replaced you. With your qualifications in the "desirable man for marriage" category, probably faster than she replaced you. She needs to know and understand that. What she has to offer is beauty and cheating, with probably, two other men. Something no husband needs in their life. Now here is what you have to offer to a woman:

1. You have a great job.

2. you are well endowed in the manhood department.

3. You are in great shape

4. You are good looking

5. You are attentive

6. You are loving

7. You are a great father

8. You are a great provider

9. You don't cheat

If you were on the market some woman would snatch you up so fast.

You need to tell your wife that she is playing a dangerous game that would change both your lives and maybe yours for the better. A cheating woman or man is easy to find. Not so easy to find a good husband or wife. Man you are a dream for a woman looking for a good man. Don't sell yourself short. You are a lot more valuable to a pleasant life than she is. If you are going to say something about divorce, just say you haven't made up your mind yet. Never fight a battle from a weak position. I do wish you well.

[This message edited by anoldlion at 2:13 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]

Strength, your world is upside down now and most likely you are shellshocked by her betrayal. Good that you came here, you are not alone, this forum and its members are here for you.

You have proof that she cheated on you, at least that now is open and clear.

Withdraw, regroup, attack, I would say.

Withdraw:

For you, it is critical to now become your own best friend and to start to take good care of yourself. From now on, treat yourself as a priority, not your wayward wife. Also, stay true to yourself and your values. You need to regain balance, you had a life of your own before you met your wayward wife, and your life is not incomplete without her, make it fulfilling for yourself. Look up the '180' in the Healing Library on this website.

Regroup:

Individual counseling for you, seek support from family and friends, stay here with us on SI, read as much of the other topics here on this website and the advice given because it will educate you about this thing 'infidelity' and knowledge = power. Know that her cheating is not your fault.

Attack:

First of all, stay calm at all times and keep the moral high ground. This so you do not end up in jail and keep having leverage. Consider whether you still want the marriage or want a divorce and live a new life without stress and drama. Expose her cheating to her family and friends, this is something that is happening in your life so you have every right to 'share and tell', and exposure helps end affairs because it takes all the fun away and brings trouble for the cheater. Let her know that she is the cheater so she needs to repair things with you, otherwise you will divorce her, and you mean it.

Strength brother!

but my wife is drop dead beautiful, a women men leave their wives for

But evidentally a woman you wouldnt leave for even if she did whatever she did.

His wife told me he has a really small dick.

Ok? How the conversation went there with his wife.. this guy must be some kind of wonder boy or pick up artist to have such outstanding game because this woman married him and he managed to get a "drop dead gorgeous woman men would leave their wives for" to repeatedly have sex with him even though said woman was married to a Robert Downey Jr lookalike. It's a long road to the restoration of your marriage.

Which kills me because I don’t and why would she keep screwing him?

Makes it even more incredible doesnt it?

The way you describe him doesnt sound like an iron man at all.

I’m also in great shape. Get told I look like Robert Downey Jr. I’m also attentive. Loving. A great father. A great provider.

She traded down, hard.

Drop dead gorgeous wife men desire. A movie star looking husband, she really has it all. The sex was probably terrible. Listen, as long as she knows you wont leave, you have nothing to worry about. Just make sure this doesnt erupt into a civil war because the endgame will truly be tough. Strength to you!

She has no reason to change her behaviour now that you've told her she can fuck other people and you'll do nothing about it.

Dupe

[This message edited by GoldenR at 5:35 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]

I agree with Dyokemm and cooley2here.

The reason they say she’s a serial cheater is this: why would a random guy hire a PI to follow your wife? If you had a female friend or coworker that you suspected is cheating, would you hire a PI?

We have a saying here: they always affair down. The size of his d*ck doesn’t matter. It could be 1" or 48". He could be ugly or Hollywood body builder handsome. It. Does. Not. Matter.

We read stories of pretty wife cheating on handsome husband with drug addict, no job loser all the time.

I am not young. I have met beautiful women in my life that are very insecure and would drink compliment like they were lost in the desert.

Now you need to take control:

First, get tested for STD.

Then, you will need to get the whole story, before you even begin to consider R. Install a VAR in her car and another in your house. Ask her a timeline of all her affairs. Ask that your WW goes in IC to figure out what’s wrong with her. See a lawyer to know your options.

Third, seek support with friends or family. This stuff is traumatic. It will hit you hard.

Last, remember that everyone here went through infidelity and will post to help you. You will get invaluable advice.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 6:06 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]

You’ve come to the right place. You’re going to get the best advice possible, even if some of it will be hard to hear.

Sorry you have had to join the club

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry your wife is putting you through this living hell.

Gently, you've had red flags for years, which you basically ignored or accepted.

I agree with the others, your wife is a serial cheater. To repeat, cheaters lie and they lie and they lie. They are master manipulators, every.single.one.of.them. Honestly, I'd ask her to take a polygraph at this point because I can pretty much guarantee you that you only have the tip of the iceberg.

Right now IMO she's not a good candidate for reconciliation. She's a repeat offender, lather, rinse, repeat, no consequences for the trauma she has inflicted on you and your marriage. She's gotten away with her despicable behavior for way too long, sounds as though half of your marriage.

Hold her accountable.

Get tested for STDS.

Seek out a good attorney just for knowledge.

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Gently, your wife has deceived you repeatedly. Find your inner strength, you don't deserve this. She doesn't deserve you IMO.

[This message edited by annb at 6:33 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]

Duplicate

[This message edited by annb at 6:31 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]

Never mind, it's not your fault. She clearly enjoys entertaining other guys whilst married. What can you do? You can only promise someone that you will be faithful and have them promise you in return. It's a bit of a crap shoot.

She is unreliable and a life with her will fill you with doubt and anxiety. It's up to you now. You know what you want from a relationship and you have x amount of years left to experience monogamous love. Don't mess around with a faker. Take the appropriate action.

I am glad you start therapy soon. But she needs therapy just as much. Not to heal from the pain but to find out what is so broken in her and to fix it.

Her current mindset sounds dismissive. That is not uncommon for a WS. However, it is not the mindset that will produce a successful reconciliation (R). Absolutely not.

She is already a serial cheater. If she does not understand just how broken she is then she will not fix herself or actively help to heal you. If all that happens is you heal yourself... and you stay married.... you will go through this same cycle again. And again.

The primary tool here to get out of infidelity and hold a WS accountable is the 180. It is detailed in threads here in this very section but also in the healing library. Please read it. You may hope for R but without the 180 your chances will be very, very slim. You will be rugsweeping and that rarely produces anything good and lasting.

With the 180, you get out of infidelity, hold her accountable and your chances go up pretty significantly.

Hang in there brother. You will get through this. I believe in reconciliation but your case is tough as she is a serial cheater. Still, it is possible. I would recommend that you not close down your options this soon however. Hope for R but keep a space open in your mind, and your dialogue with her, for divorce. If she doesn't show true remorse and take the difficult actions to make herself a safe spouse.... then divorce needs to be a very real choice for you. And she should realize that is the case.

Thank you all for your insight and experiences.

I have told her that D isn’t off the table.

I do feel like a chump.

I am very busy this morning, but I will post some backstory to this drama. There is a lot of it.

Here is a more complete version of my story for those that wanted to read it.

I was married before. My ex wife and I had a horrible marriage. We had met and I got her pregnant before I ever even knew who she was. My twins came from that, they’re 16 now. By the time they were 3 months old, I quickly realized my mistake with her. She was controlling, selfish, mean, and not smart, at all. I stayed with her for the kids, but had a terrible past of infidelity myself. Sleeping with multiple women. One of them turned out to be my current wife.

I’ll never forget the day I met her. He eyes were like emeralds, her smile completely disarmed me. She was my dream girl. 12 years younger than me, smart, breath taking, and willing to do anything for me. When my first marriage ended, my current wife was there to pick up the pieces. We had a love that was unlike anything I had ever experienced.

Fast forward to 2015. My fourth child is born on my birthday that year and I begin to notice her work relationship with her boss is getting more intense. They’re talking more and he’s now showing up to personal functions. I take notice, because I suspected they had a past. After a while I’m getting more suspicious. Eventually I confront her, from my jealousy.

She denies any relationship, but almost simultaneously starts to pull away from me.

She’s less affectionate towards me when he’s around. We then buy a house and it turns out that the house we bought has an apartment upstairs. She convinces me that he could move in upstairs with his adult son and we could live easier from the income. That is when it gets very intense. She’s now pulling away from me if I touch her in front of him. Or even if he’s home.

Again, I confront her. She denies it and now I’m starting to think I’m crazy. Because he’s 23 years older than him. He’s fit, makes a lot of money, but is not handsome. So I start to think I’m losing my mind, “why would she trade down?”

At this point years have passed. Time and time again I tell her to pay more attention to me and that she pulls away from me when he’s around. She says she doesn’t mean to and that she’s sorry. That she’ll stop doing that and be more loving towards me, she promises.

Promises.

This goes on until December of last year. At this point I’m ready to either leave her or go have an affair of my own, but I did neither. I’m holding all of this in now for 4 years.

During that time I entered into depression. Gained weight and couldn’t concentrate on work. So much so that I get fired from my crappy job.

One door closes... I get hired by a company that I dreamed of working for. They want me so badly that the local director reaches out to me and tells me he needs my resume ASAP and that I’m his #1 pick for the position. I’m on cloud 9! I dedicate myself to rebuilding. I lose weight, get in incredible shape and I’m happy. Happier than I’ve been in years.

At the very same time, she pulls away from her co-worker. She tells me that she’s done with him and that she just wants to concentrate on us. I am bitter. I’m resentful. She wants me now because I’m now more desirable. He’s no longer coming around, he’s no longer up her ass.

This lasts for 2 months. My company sends me in a weeklong conference in Mexico and I’m ecstatic! When I return, I discover that a restaurant we frequent has an employee that she knows. Her ex boyfriend that she still talked about, fondly. He’s a new threat. So I start monitoring her phone records and don’t find anything suspicious, except that she’s talking to someone I know. Another co-worker.

The rest of the story is above, but I do know that the first guy had them outed because he was a scorned lover. He still lives in our apartment, but I told him he can never speak with her and that he needs to look for somewhere else to live.

I want you all to know that I wanted to die. I wanted to take my own life because of the pain, but I could never do that to my children. They love me and I love them.

So right now I told her that I need her to back off and give me space. That she needs to work on her.

I will get her to admit to the first affair. She denies it, but all you good people know it to be true.