SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My then wife, now WW, took a job in 2016 with an employer providing something akin to home health care.

Her job entailed some light travel (within about 50 miles of home base) so I bought her a new car.

A couple of months into her employment, she would come home and complain about the future POSOM; though he was a Piece of Shit then too.

She complained that he was crude, rude, a sexual predator and all those little quirks that made him a dangerous sicko.

A few months later, something changed. She stopped complaining about him and instead sang his praises. That was my first big clue.

Then she started spending lots of money on new outfits. It was way more than the $5,000 she ran up over the summer on the credit card I gave her. She was buying outfits that made her look younger. Pedicures, manicures, bikini waxes, you name it.

She started spending lots of time sun bathing at our pool.

She showed me her new hair-free nether place and asked me if I liked it. Odd, she always hated the itchy after-effect of going hairless.

She began getting home later and later. She wasn’t answering her phone for long periods of time. She started getting phone calls late at night. She claimed it was her dispatch asking her to pick someone up from the hospital at midnight. Bullshit.

I’d often wake up around midnight and she’d be gone. She’d come back a while later and immediately take a shower.

I knew something was wrong. I suspected an affair. But with whom?

Then late one night, on September 1, 2017, there was a knock on our door. I opened it up and got to meet the POSOM. He introduced himself and pulled out a chess board and said he heard I liked to play chess. That took some real fucking gall.

After a little small talk, I excused myself and left the room. I made certain my exit took full advantage of the mirrors in our living room. I saw my WW mouth something to him, such as "WTF are you doing here?". Then I was fairly positive something was going on. Incidentally, the POSOM had a fairly vast criminal record. He spent time in prison.He beat women. He was a thief and con artist, he fucked nearly every female where my WW was employed, he ripped off their clients and the women he screwed; this is the animal my WW chose to cheat on me with. To call him a POSOM in an insult to SHIT. He is so much worse than I’ve described.

After asking us if we wanted to go out drinking and dancing (he’s lucky I didn’t break his neck), I declined and he finally left. There’s more to the incident than that and can probably be found in some of my earlier posts.

After the biggest POSOM on the planet left, I confronted my Wife and she denied anything was going on. I told her I didn’t believe her. She hugged me and held on to me for a while and told me to get it out of my mind or something like that. She then suggested that I go play golf or get in a card game at the casino the following day. That was pretty much confirmation, as she hated when I played golf or did anything without her on the weekends. She wanted me out of the way so she could fuck him.

D-day was just five days away.

Here are a few questions for you:

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

2.) Were you initially caught off guard?

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair?

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair?

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI?

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond?

DDays 1 & 2

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

I was blindsided

2.) Were you initially caught off guard?

Totally blindsided

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair?

Nope - totally blindsided.

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair?

None. There was nothing.

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

No

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI?

Post Ddays -absofuckingloutley - I was just too traumatized to notice as much as I do looking back.

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond?

11

DDay 3

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

Post DDay 2 [August 2018] I knew it wasn't a matter if IF but WHEN I caught him.

2.) Were you initially caught off guard?

DDay - 3 it was just a matter of time before I caught him.

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair?

Post DDay2 [I learned NC was broken (never really in place) multiple times. So I knew it was not IF I caught him but WHEN

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair?

Post DDay2 - it was IF not WHEN

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

No

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI?

Yes

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond?

11

36yearsgone,

I'm sorry that you are here and that you are going through such horror, you've been heard!

To answer your questions:

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair? Six months prior to D-Day (two months into the actual affa9r)

2.) Were you initially caught off guard? If you are referring to D-Day. Yes, as I point blank asked (the month I had suspicions) whether she was having an affair with our neighbor (I apparently asked about the wrong neighbor) and was told "no, I had nothing to worry about".

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair? On her phone constantly, changed her phone password because she was afraid our son would see our conversations but never gave me the new password (nor did I ask), became less affectionate (used to grab my hand in public), stopped caring what I did (if I didn't call when I traveled, no big deal), became more critical of what I was doing.

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair? Just a side note: I was one call away from a PI before I confronted her and she lied, but I knew if I was wrong, she'd divorce me.

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed? Splitting hairs, the AP was not in my marital bed but my wife was. Just as they did the same at his house. Will spare you the details.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI? Pre-Day? Nope. Aside from what I listed in number 3, I wouldn't have thought anything was wrong. Post Dday: Just the first three days, when she continually lied and lied some more but I wasn't having any of it. So that ended real fast.

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond? Honestly a 20. I literally remember nothing more than a hour across the first week and that's bits and pieces. I think I went a little insane to be honest.

None until he absentmindedly emailed me his PW into an online dating site...and I got into his mailbox there!

1. Zero days, although a thought that something was up had tickled the back of my brain a few times.

2. Very off guard, the offest of guards.

3. Leaving her phone in the other room at night for weeks before DDay, being emotionally distant, and physically distant two days before DDay (the biggest flag she let fly).

4. Lots of similar little red flags but mostly a pattern of behavior which should've led me to drop her boney ass years ago rather than wait for this to happen.

5. Not likely.

6. Yeah, she dumped my ass almost immediately after I caught her affair, she was done and she was doing her best to insulate this guy and his identity from DDay fallout.

7. 10, I was in massive shock and I thought my world was ending on all fronts so naturally I thought about suicide several times a day for the first week. (After that, though, it became about beating this bitch in the divorce game)

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair? About a month

2.) Were you initially caught off guard? YES - even though in my gut I knew something was off.

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair? He was being a complete ass and attached to his phone ALL THE TIME.

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair? I had my suspicions

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed? NO - but they had sex in HER marital bed.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI? OMG yes. For about 6 months after dday. Then his head came out of his butt.

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond? There are no words. I would literally go to bed and shake violently I was so traumatized.

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

A couple of months I sensed something wasn’t right. I just couldn’t pin-point what it was. I didn’t have the evidence although my gut was screaming.

2.) Were you initially caught off guard?

Of course. It comes as a shock. Then you begin to go back in time and you get a lot of “yep, that was a red flag” moments.

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair?

Many, many signs. Without listing them I dismissed the idea. I just told myself there’s no way she would. Could she? No, why risk everything for that piece of shit, loser.

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair?

I saw many signs.

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

No. As far as I know. But who knows? WS lie. They lie a lot.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI?

Yes.

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond?

10/10. I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this trauma.

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

The first time none whatsoever. I was shocked when I caught him groping and dry-humping his co-worker.

2.) Were you initially caught off guard?

D-Day 1: Yes extremely blindsided

D-Day 2: Yes but had a strong feeling this time

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair?

D-Day 1: Lack of attention, Not coming home at night, not helping with kids or household.

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair?

Yes for both D-Days

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

D-Day 1: I didn't have enough proof to prove if they had sex.

D-Day 2: He had sex with MOW on marital bed and my son's bed

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI?

I don't believe in fog. I believe my WS is fucked up in the head

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond?

D-Day 1: I'd say I was pretty traumatized. I went into full on rage mode then had my own A sadly. Rugswept after that.

D-Day2: Extremely traumatized by the discovery process and the multiple broken NC's, TT, and finally False R practically drove me insane. Well it did drive me insane I attempted suicide at one point and was hospitalized.

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

Probably a month before. I told her I thought I was losing her. She said there was nothing to worry about. She even convinced me I was out of character to be jealous or not trusting.

2.) Were you initially caught off guard?

Yes. Even though I had suspicions earlier, I guess I never believed she could do that.

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair?

She seemed very distant from me.

I was never invited or suggested we all meet up as friends. OM, his wife, me and my WW. If they were just friends, why wouldn’t we all hang out?

She was constantly talking to someone, but I never looked to see who.

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair?

These all seemed obvious after Dday, but before I didn't think of them.

She seemed happier than before. This one hurts, cause I thought it was because of us or her getting better mentally. Not because she had a boyfriend.

She was taking more pride in her looks.

She stayed out late one evening and just said she was walking around downtown alone. She’d never don’t that before. (She was with him)

She stopped coming to bed when I did.

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

Supposedly not, but who really knows.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI?

Yes, but I don't think it lasted long. Although its still really early.

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond?

Definitely an 10

Sadly I have to repeat Chaos's outline...

I will also note that my scale of 1-10 has changed. For instance, after d-day 1 I would have said a 10, but compared with d-day 2, d-day 1 was only a 6. So my scale uses d-day 2 as the benchmark for a 10.

Dday-1

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

Within 2 weeks of them talking - probably about the time it went physical. Dday-1 was 4 months later (and only because I was living out of state temporarily at the time so catching him was difficult).

2.) Were you initially caught off guard?

At d-day...no. I knew it in my gut and via his behaviors. It was still traumatic. I confronted him with a credit card bill and he confessed to the A (he admitted when it started but claimed it had already ended - it had not).

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair?

We were living apart temporarily due to my work so most was telephonically. He was less interested on phone calls, was not always available when I called (normal with his job) but took a LOT longer to get back to me some days. He stopped booking flights to come and see me (he had 3 day weekends so it was usually him flying - we were flying back and forth every other weekend previously but the first month of his A he didn't come at all - three was 8 weeks between trips and when he finally did come during his vacation with his daughter he stayed for 3 days when he had 3 weeks off).

About 3 weeks into his PA we had a call where he said he wasn't sure he wanted us to stay together, he wasn't happy, blaming his unhappiness on me, blah blah blah. I asked him if there was anyone else and he said "no" - and then he said he needed to take a few days to think about things (2 days included his birthday - which were spent largely with her in-between work). We then talked for about 8 hours after the 2 day break where he said he didn't want to end things and that he felt "better." Then off and on for the next 3 months he told me at least 3 times that he "wasn't sure" about us but that he thought it would be better when I was home (we had started as a long distance relationship years before so this didn't sit right with me as we'd done long distance before with no problems).

He had changed his password on his phone - when asked he told me "because someone at work knew it and he wanted to change it" which was stupid and I didn't believe him. He then offered me the new password but seemed rather pissed off about doing it. The phone had been wiped clean of all kinds of stuff - he was "smart" in that he didn't just wipe out conversations with her and claimed he had done a phone update and he had lost all kinds of stuff - conversations, photos, etc across the board.

Saw an email (he left his email open on my laptop) when he was visiting for 3 days about 8 weeks into his A from the AP. The email was short but sounded like he told her he could not talk while he was away and telling him to have a good time with his daughter (no mention of me although she knew where he was).

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair?

I did.

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

Yep - and his AP/OBS former best friend's marital bed too. Also in his car, on my couches - pretty much everywhere I'm guessing. I haven't asked much as I don't care - they are just things to me but I get the question.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI?

During the A - not really to me. We had a talk about 3 weeks into his A where I point blank asked him if there was someone else and he said a very stern "No" and told me he wanted to work things out. Afterwards, yep - apparently more than I thought as he was back at it w/in 2 weeks of d-day 1. He NEVER talked about her to me at all unless asked.

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond?

6 (see explanation above). Strangely I had more PTSD symptoms (forgetfulness, severe weight loss, difficulty focusing) before d-day then after. I think my mind felt like "Ah Ha - you were right" and the stress level lowered as weird as that seems.

Dday-2

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

I suspected it off and on over the course of a year, but I ignored my feelings about it.

2.) Were you initially caught off guard?

No. By the time I caught him I knew. I also knew I would not get a confession w/out proof. As it would turn out, not only did he fall for the trap I set but he talked to her on speaker phone so I had the entirety of their conversation - I love yous and all. I still couldn't believe it when it happened - I couldn't believe that someone could purposefully do this to someone else - willingly after full well knowing all the hurt and trauma they had caused. (For example, my WH actually drove me for a few days as he was concerned about me driving - I'd turned and driven the wrong way down a one-way street by our house several times, had driven off with the fuel pump nozzle still in my car at the gas station twice in a week...yet he was still doing what he was doing).

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair?

I still occasionally got the "I don't know if I want to do this with you anymore" crap and that would set me off. By the time I caught him (VAR - set a trap - it worked on the first try) I was about 99% sure something was going on. He seemed distant, never really reconnected for long periods. Sex life remained relatively unchanged but he was less affectionate than before. Seemed more irritable more frequently and was very frustrated that I wanted to talk about the A at all after about 3-4 months. He "put up with it" but it was obvious. Allegedly they ended it several times during this year period so I have no way of knowing if any increase or decrease of affection coincided with the A or the off-times.

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair?

I did.

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

After d-day 1 they stopped having sex or much of any encounter outside of work at all (phone calls etc were all made while he was at work unless I was out of the area - hence the VAR trap). I read a lot of their messages to each other and they talked about the last time they had sex (how much they wish the could again but somehow they decided that sexting and mutual telephonic masturbation was "not as bad" as actual sex). The masturbation happened mostly in his car but when he was 100% sure I was gone (to the store or whatever) who knows. I don't care where.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI?

I don't know as he didn't ever talk about her. He talked about being unhappy at work and talked about work a lot but avoided her name at all costs. Post d-day 2 - no - he seemed 100% committed in his own mind to convincing me to give us another chance...and that lasted about a month. Then it waned slowly - and 3 months later (and after the OBS had been told by me and a no non-work contact or you'll face a restraining order letter was sent), he went back to it again.

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond?

10+ I was absolutely astonished that he could put me through false R after all he had seen. I simply could not believe how much MORE this hurt than the first time - this was not a mistake or an error in judgment - it was done purposely to trick and deceive me AND he convinced me to come back from my temporary job and try to work things out when he was already back at it. That was THE time to tell me not to return - at d-day 1 - as I could have looked for another position elsewhere and moved on from there must more easily than now. Gutted completely, even though I knew in my heart of hearts that he was doing something, there was a little part of me that would not believe he could be so horrible to me after everything. He was...and more.

Dday-3

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

About a month. Admittedly I wasn't paying much attention anymore - nothing like before. All I had to do was look at his phone bill and it was plainly clear he was still in contact.

2.) Were you initially caught off guard?

Initially when I saw the signs of it being back on I had that moment of "No, it can't be - after the AP messaged me saying horrible things and him admitting that she was a very ugly person on the inside" but again, I knew.

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair?

Distance, shortness, just an off feeling. Nothing overwhelming as he NEVER used his phone to contact her from home after the VAR incident. No late nights. No strange incidents. Honestly, he just seemed happier and simultaneously more down.

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair?

I did - more than I remember probably. I just couldn't put myself through looking too hard. When I finally figured I was right I asked him for the phone bill password (we don't share a phone) and he gave it up and knew what was coming. He had switched to whatsapp a few weeks before but the contact was still there from beforehand. I made him give me his phone to have it forensically analyzed again but never did it. When I asked him what I would find he said "You won't like it. It's ugly." but he didn't fight giving it up.

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

No - not then. I think they had some version of masturbation in his car based on the messages I saw. They were only back at it for about 10 weeks so they didn't have much time.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI?

See question 3

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond?

5. He's a dirtbag and I already knew he was capable of it, so somehow it wasn't the same as finding out (any of the gory details I had already processed from d-day1 and the realization that my WH would throw me under the bus wasn't new).

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 2:15 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

My wife's A was kept secret for years. She confessed to it 18-years after it was over. I knew something had gone horribly wrong, but I wasn't sure what.

2.) Were you initially caught off guard?

Despite suspecting for a really long time, I was still surprised and crushed that she verified my worst fears.

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair?

I nearly caught them one day. AP was a 'family friend' -- heck his wife made our kids halloween costumes. Families were close, but I found him at our home on an un-announced visit. When I asked if anything was going on between them, my wife did a brilliant dodge/lie -- and answered my question with a question, asking if I would do anything to destroy our little family -- I said no, and she replied neither would he. And it made sense. He had a great little family too, or so I thought.

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair?

Oh yeah. She withdrew, emotionally and physically, she acted out, all the problems in our M were my fault, etc.

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

Not in ours, but his. For our house, we had a guest room. I should have known, as that was strangely the cleanest room in the house by far during the A.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI?

The 'fog' is simply cognitive dissonance -- it's a tool all people use from time to time in life. It's never, EVER an excuse, it's just a way for the WS to build their false narrative. In our case, since the A was secret, my wife had to extricate herself from her own bullshit. It wasn't easy solo, but she figured out a LOT of it was fantasy, and the way she was dumped, also kind of woke her up.

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond?

Ten. I've lost my dad to cancer, a number of beloved family members and this was the toughest grieving process I experienced.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 2:13 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

Mine occurred long before the days of cell phones and internet. My wayward was in a dance troupe that rehearsed several evening per week and performed once a month or so. Like a lot of theater people there was a lot of partying.

But even with that, the signs were there. Gradually staying out later, and more frequently. Gradual decline in sex at home. More irritable towards me. Picking fights over every little thing. As to this last part, I didnt notice the decline in sex for a while because I didnt want sex after another in what seemed like an endless stream of bullshit arguments. Then one day, a rare lazy Saturday in bed, I asked for a bj. Up until then she was extremely enthusiastic with respect to bjs, and skilled. That day, her response was, "Ugh, gross." I wondered if I was even with the same person.

My dday was just a few days after that. She came home from a night with him, the first "out all night" with him, disclosed, and dumped me. It had been going on for about 6 months or so.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 3:03 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

One of the common elements in this thread is sorrow. A high level of sorrow. I really appreciate you sharing.

Signs I should have seen but didn't: Way too many impromptu hours at her office, phone always in her hand. This is pretty much all and the biggest indicator. We were in the middle of our biggest fight to date so rest(snapping at me, silent treatment, lack of intimacy), I wasn't too attuned to. Thought they were a natural byproduct of the fight and will get better soon. Spoiler alert:It never got better.

Silent treatment is pretty much my number one red flag now. If a woman does this even once, I'm out. Either tell me how you feel and show me basic human courtesy of responding or fuck off. Don't need adult children in my life.

[This message edited by Rustylife at 2:49 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

A week. I'm a stickler for personal privacy(not anymore). A friend of mine planted this idea inside my head. That you need to find out wtf is going on in her life. We were in the midst of our separation. Started snooping. And pretty much got all the information I needed in a week before confronting.

2.) Were you initially caught off guard?

Yes. Very much so. I thought the issues were due to me not budging to a demand of hers.

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

Don't think so.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI?

She was cold and exceedingly checked out. I don't believe in the fog. But yeah, nothing "out of character". She was angry and hostile with me for a few months before so it didn't really unnerve me.

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond?

Probably a 6. I remember my hands shaking while operating the laptop and reading her messages with the AP. But the separation had given me space to mourn the loss. Anger was the predominant emotion after Dday. I remained bitter for a long while.

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

I didn't - until my daughter asked me why Dad's partner was coming around his apartment so much.

2.) Were you initially caught off guard?

Yes. We were separated b/c of his anger issues - he was professing his love for me and wanting to reconcile, and I thought we were on the way when I found out she was coming to his apartment.

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair?

With this one, I really had no suspicions except he was riding with this one particular floater, that he claimed got on his nerves.

I had suspicions of other girls prior to this but never caught him red handed.

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair?

None.

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

Not the bed at my house. He still claims they never had sex at his apartment but I don't believe him. When I found out, I went on a dragon rampage and destroyed his bed and a lot of other things. I'm sure you can find all that in my posts.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI?

Nope. Once I caught him and told him it was over that he'd be hearing from my attorney...and that I'd make sure he had the kids on opposite weekends of her kids, he pretty much handed her walking papers and was over her.

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond?

about a 5.....rage though? 100+

I was not traumatized because I knew I could replace him easily enough. I even told him "I replaced my last guy with you, I can replace you even faster."

I'm a vengeful person though....

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

I remember one time, probably about 6 months before DDay, I, for some reason, actually googled "car GPS" because he was not acting like himself at all. Within a minute of looking at the google results, I stopped, because there was no fucking way my husband would cheat on me.

2.) Were you initially caught off guard?

Absolutely. Other than the one thought (see above), I was completely and utterly shocked.

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair?

In hindsight, there were plenty of signs. But prior to DDay, I didn't realize that they were signs.

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair?

Absolutely. His phone was practically an extension of his body, he would never leave it where I could look at it. He became distant, mean, and sarcastic. He was "working very long hours", even on weekends. He was always coming home late from anywhere.

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

He says no. But there was one time that I was out of state for a few days, and he certainly had the opportunity. This one I kind of believe him, because I just don't feel it in my gut.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI?

He certainly wasn't acting like the guy I married. I think someone else mentioned the "fog" just being cognitive dissonance. Yes, I would liken it to that. I do remember about a month after DDay, we were talking about the A, and I mentioned something that made him get this really strange look on his face. Within a minute, he had run to the bathroom and was retching. The "fog" that he had been in was lifted. Asshole. There is no fog, just selfishness.

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond?

Ten. I lost my mother less than a year ago to cancer. Infidelity has been the most traumatic, painful, grief-ridden process I have ever been through. Losing my mother was hard, but being betrayed was worse.

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

I thought something was off as soon as the affair began, which was a month before D-day. I found out about the affair a week after it became physical. I didn't initially suspect an affair but I noticed the shift in his behavior toward me. After the PA started I really suspected something and started snooping around.

2.) Were you initially caught off guard?

Kind of. Like, I was snooping because I was suspicious but he was the last person I thought capable of doing something like this.

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair?

He started working late. And then really, really late. One night, in the middle of the week, he came home at 1AM. He started taking his phone into the bathroom while he took showers. He didn't want to talk to me about anything of substance. He was mean to me and seemed to want to pick weird fights.

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair? N/A

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

No.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI?

Before D-day, nope. After D-day he acted confused about what he wanted and seemed very naive on how this would all play out. But I think these are all poor personality traits that led to the affair, not vice versa so I don't think it was really the "fog".

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond?

A 10. All the other shitty stuff that has happened in my life, I felt like I had him. It was like having my soul ripped in half.

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

I didn't. I was completely blind-sighted, I had absolutely no idea. But WH also didn't have an affair, he went to about 10 "massage parlors" and slept with a prostitute over a six month period.

2.) Were you initially caught off guard?

Yes, completely blind-sighted.

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair?

No suspicions at all that he was cheating. I did think that something was wrong but that it was because he had been having a bad year - problems at work, Mom diagnosed with cancer supposedly recovered and then died within about three months of being declared cancer free and three weeks after being told the cancer was back but she had 6 months to live.

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair?

I have thought about this so much. Again, I did think he was having a bad year but he was so it's hard to separate out what was the infidelity and what was due to the bad year - and I'm sure the infidelity was partially because of the bad year but WH doesn't think so. The only thing I can really place my finger on is that I think he may have been overcompensating, I remember a story he told me about a conversation with a woman at work about another woman who she thought was interested in WH and WH saying it didn't matter if she was interested in him because he was happily married.

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

No, thank god.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI?

No, but it wasn't really an affair so I think this doesn't really apply.

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond?

At least a 10. Nothing I've experienced in my life comes close to approaching that first month after D-day. I'm really still traumatized and probably will be for a long time.

Nothing before I saw the text. We weren't living together at the time. Separated for work. Looking back, I now realize that all those times I thought he had fallen asleep while texting with me (which he does often) because suddenly went silent, he was actually texting the MOW.