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Dday anniversary was 3 years ago last month. It passed by without acknowledgement. I honestly didn't even remember what day it was until it had already passed.

Does anybody else find themselves just assuming that the next A is either just around the corner, or already in progress? I'm not someone who puts a tracking device on her phone/car. I have no interest in monitoring her like a child. I really have no evidence of any kind to suggest she might be cheating. But sometimes if she goes somewhere and either stays a little longer than it maybe should take, or if her reason for going out seems stupid to me (going to a store 20 minutes away to by Christmas decorations), I automatically go to that "place" in my mind.

Earlier today, she was showing me bruises on her legs and shoulder where she fell off a ladder (not from very high). All I could think is "what if she got those bruises from rough sex, and is making a big show about telling me about these bruises from a fall to throw me off the trail?"

I know, it's crazy. I FEEL fucking crazy! But this is what I think about. I don't want to think this way. It's not the kind of person I want to be. Anybody else experience this? I feel like after 3 years I should have a good idea on rather or not she is R material, or trustworthy... but I really am not any clearer than I was 3 years ago!!

Brother... fuckin' A if I don't totally relate to those same thoughts and feelings. I still have them, often enough, nearly five years later. Logically, intellectually, I find it hard to believe that my FWW would cheat again, that I can trust her again. And yet I still wonder. Whenever something seems even a little "off," my mind goes there, too.

I think it's a natural reaction. I think restoring trust and, perhaps even more importantly faith, takes a long, long time.

But what has she done to prove she is a safe partner now?

If you cannot tangibly list those things then no you are not crazy and should be listening to your gut.

If she has then it is time to pause step.back compare behavior now from then notice the differences and appreciate that she is ok longer that person.

If she hasn't done the work then listen to your gut. Sometimes it is truly a dealbreaker. And that is ok too.

I do this all the time....3 1/2 months after dday. I guess that’s natural because it’s still pretty fresh, but WH is appalled that I don’t trust him yet. Nevermind the super secret code on his phone and that he won’t share his location with me on findfriends. Hearing that you still struggle with this 3 years down the road really scares me. I HATE this feeling and being robbed of that trust I had not 6 months ago. It’s one reason I feel I need to scrap it all. I honestly hope you don’t have to deal with it much longer....it’s agonizing!

No, you're not crazy. I'm in the "once a cheater, always a cheater" camp. I spent the last 7 years waiting for the other shoe to drop and it just did. Before dday#2, I would think that the worst already happened, so how bad could it be a second time? Well, it is bad a second time but not as bad. It is not as shocking the second time.

Trust your instincts. Mine were right on target despite his repeated lying for weeks.

I hope for your sake that nothing is going on but I do not fault you for being suspicious of everything. Trust was broken. You really cannot piece it back together completely.

Nevermind the super secret code on his phone and that he won’t share his location with me on findfriends.

Very shady behavior.

People with nothing to hide should not or do not act this way. Apparently he doesn’t believe in transparency or honesty. Proceed with caution.

So sorry for you. You deserve better.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:36 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]

Yes. All WHs stuff was while working away from home, largely on deployment so away for months at a time. It's just so easy to do stuff and get away with it, which he did. Seemed a nice family guy when back home with friends and family.

So every time hes away, I don't trust that he's being honest or completely faithful. Why would I? He pursued every woman he fancied who showed an interest in him, so that's 100% of opportunities pursued. Pretty shit odds for the future.

No, you're not crazy, at all. I would suggest you at least consider sharing that specific thought with her, using the bruises and her "talking way too loud about it" as an example.

There is part of you that doesn't trust her. Trust is central to a marriage.

This hits hard. I have still have these thoughts 13 years later. As a BS I think the A fundamentally changes us in many ways, for me the trust will never return. The fabric of my soul was torn by her actions and it'll never be the same no matter how many stitches are put into the relationship.

As a WW, I assume he assumes those things. So, I anticipate that and try and mitigate it as much as I can. To me, that would be a normal reaction and one I would have if I was in his position. There are times this works almost to my detriment because if he wasn't thinking them, then I just made him think of them by openly mitigating. I am pretty sure that's a different but equal annoyance sometimes.

I will venture to guess it may be a bigger problem that 1) She does not seem to see this and 2) The fact she show you little to no desire does nothing to help your insecurity. I don't think the sun sets and rises on desire alone but you describe a lot of other things she does as acceptable and good, ways a wife shows a husband love. This one thing I think possibly gives you bigger lingering doubts?

I think Tushnurse asked the questions best:

But what has she done to prove she is a safe partner now?

If you cannot tangibly list those things then no you are not crazy and should be listening to your gut.

If she has then it is time to pause step.back compare behavior now from then notice the differences and appreciate that she is ok longer that person.

If she hasn't done the work then listen to your gut. Sometimes it is truly a dealbreaker. And that is ok too.

We're 5 years put and reconciled and I still do this. If he's been acting strange, distant, overly annoyed, my mind immediately jumps to him cheating again. I always ask him.

We got into a little thing the other day because I heard him whispering under his breath. I assumed he was talking to our 15yo about me since I had just walked out of the room. He denied and said, "Why does everything have to be a conspiracy?" Our 15yo was still there, so I couldn't say it straight out. I responded, "Do you really want to get into why I'm thinking what I'm thinking?" That shut him up fast.

We are almost at 3 years and my husband still does this as well. The bruises conversation has come up between us before.

I will say it depends on your wife's reaction to things, like Hikingout said, I hedge everything like it can be taken out of context. I am going out next Fri night, something not normal for me. So first I discussed it with BH, showed him the email chain of the plans, and discussed who would be there (no affair related friends).

Even the other day he found a heap of my clothes and panties in a strange place in the house and made a comment about it. Its pretty normal and we discuss it. If he gets an anxious thought like that, I make an effort to stop and hug him and reassure him. I hope your wife is aware and mindful of how this still affects you.

I get these thoughts now. I think that is one thing being a BS gets you. It was something that was easy to dismiss beforehand, but now everything is up for scrutiny. It was not that we were stupid before we were just naive. We did what people in a loving M do. We trust our spouse at their word. Now, we aren't as naive. We treat every "gut feeling," as having the possibility of being evidence of another A.

I've come to settle on that if she really wants to have another A I can't stop her. It will mean the end of my M and that I walk away with a very clear conscience.

That being said, my W does go out of her way if she does something out of the ordinary. We have life 360 so if I ever get a funny feeling about something I can always look to see where she it at.

That way I can check on her without having "one of those," discussions.

FWIW I echo others comments. She needs to do more to prevent triggers like these. Further her remorse, if she has it, is the best kept secret in your M right now.

I could have written that first part and it’s been over 4 years. I constantly was doing that and it’s awful inside. I would have thought it’d be lessened but the thoughts still jump there. I don’t like being like that either. I was never like that before to a fault No advice. We’re not in a good place right now. Just wanted to say I understand EXACTLY!

Hey Fenderguy, we are close in terms of dday(s), my 1st was July 2015. I'm the same as you, I dont have any desire to be the marriage police.

I have the same thoughts, and ironically, last week. My WW goes to the gym 3 days a week. Last week she left at 5:10 for a 6:30 class, with the gym being 15 minutes away. I asked her about it and she had a reasonable reply. The nagging thoughts are still with me nearly 5 years out. I dont believe she is cheating, but once burned, I think it's always going to be my mind.

Definitely understand the feeling crazy part of it. For years, I'd be going along having a great day and the small things, similar to what you described, would set me off. Early on, it would feel like it took my breath away and be panicky. Sometimes I'd spend the rest of the day in detective mode down the rabbit hole. I'd find a reasonable and harmless answer for the behavior, but only hours later. It definitely felt like I was going crazy.

Often I'd read here and people would say, "Trust your gut". I was convinced my gut was broken or just nonexistent, and I was too crazy and injured.

Then I read a post here where someone described their experience that resounded with me. They basically said, and I'm totally paraphrasing, that those moments are not "gut feelings". They are more like a PTSD flashback. They said you need to calm your mind and body down at those times. The real gut feeling is a nagging and somewhat constant sense that things aren't right.

It helped me develop techniques like mantras and breathing to calm myself. Other techniques like journaling or meditation help with developing my gut instinct. Although it did help me, it's not a short-term solution. Eventually, I believe you need to lean into your partner again and be vulnerable and communicate if they become save enough.

I also believe some of us internalize the trauma more than others or compartmentalize it less and may forever do that. I have friends that have been through other traumas where they don't often come up and others who relive them in some minor way regularly. It's just part of who we are I guess.

I can relate. You’re not crazy. I’m at the three year mark too. I’m not waiting around assuming she’s going to have an affair again. But, yes, once in awhile I have moments of questioning where she’s been, where’s she going, why she’s working late, does she have a burner phone I haven’t found, etc. I’ve found myself plowing through her stuff at home searching for a phone. Do I really think she has one? Not really. I’ve found myself doing random drive-bys at her work. Do I really think I’ll see her AP’s car there? Not really. And then I ask myself why I care? What if she was having another affair? Am I looking for an exit because I committed to “reconciliation” far too early and now I realize I’m done and want out? Is my gut telling me something again? I don’t know. But this is TRAUMA, my friend, and it has a long-lasting impact. It goes much deeper than we know. I think the therapeutic community is only now beginning to understand or comprehend this, but thank goodness we live in a time when betrayal trauma is being more understood and dealt with. Are you seeing an IC? I recommend it. It does help.

Fender – What have you two done since her affair to improve your relationship? How are communications?

I think it might be an idea to find a quiet alone-time with her and tell her your concerns:

“Honey. Discovering your affair was a major trauma for me. When you showed me those bruises I couldn’t help but wonder if you were covering up about an affair and that the bruises were from having sex with someone else. I hope I have no reason to fear that happening, but this is a consequence of the trauma. It’s PTSD. I would like to hear what you can do to help me deal with this. BTW – if you ARE having an affair… that’s OK… I’m OK with you finding someone else as long as you let me know so I can carry on with my life. It’s not what I want, but it beats constant fear of infidelity”.

Thanks for all the responses, puts things into perspective, and it's nice to know I'm never alone in my thoughts!

She is usually pretty good about letting me know what her plans are, even if I don't ask. Sometimes in excruciating detail, she will tell me what her plans are. If she is going shopping, sometimes she will take one of our kids with her... I'm pretty sure she does this just so my mind will be put at ease. (BUT WHAT IF SHE JUST TAKES THE KIDS TO THE AP's HOUSE ANYWAY???!!!! ) I wasn't serious about that last part, but the thought has crossed my mind. Ugh. I don't want to play marriage police. My W works hard, is a good mother, etc... she should be able to spend an afternoon out shopping, having lunch, doing whatever she wants.

As far as her being remorseful... eh, I don't know. I think she deeply regrets the A, but has put it firmly behind her. I don't think she ever really thought of it as something she did to me, just a stupid thing she did that she must now put behind her and work through. We don't really talk about it. I don't really remember the last time we did speak of the A. We get along very well. We parent well together. We have fun together. We have goals together. Sex life... eh I've bitched about that enough on here, let's just say she's happy to provide that for me, but could take it or leave it. I don't really think about D anymore. But part of me wonders if I subconsciously want her to cheat again so that I can have a legit reason to leave, and I'm looking for the signs. I can't really say for sure.

As some of you know, I nearly had my own A last spring. A friend of a friend who is 11 years younger than me. I never had her number, never communicated outside of group situations. But this one night I was in a situation where I was standing at the edge of the water, and all I had to was close my eyes and hop in. I definitely could have began an A that night. Instead I stepped back and didn't go through with it. It's been 7 months and I never saw her again, and I never will, I can make sure of that! But it gave me a new perspective to Affairs in general, and how easy it is for one to get caught up in it. I understood my WW's A in a whole new way. I never told my wife about my experience with the other girl. I never actually did anything with this other person. Never had her number, facebook, anything, never kissed, etc. But the EA was ready to begin, and knowing this girl's level of promiscuity, a PA would've been quick to follow. (Not slut shaming anybody, for the record... just saying, she would've been DTF.)

I'll talk to my W tonight about some of the thoughts I've been having lately. Perhaps it's just Thanksgiving/Christmas time brings back lots of memories of my original Dday aftermath 3 years ago. Perhaps I secretly want to catch her? I don't think so, but the subconscious is a funny thing. Or maybe I'm just losing it!!! I'll report back after I talk to her tonight. Thanks everyone!

Thanks for all the responses, puts things into perspective, and it's nice to know I'm never alone in my thoughts!

She is usually pretty good about letting me know what her plans are, even if I don't ask. Sometimes in excruciating detail, she will tell me what her plans are. If she is going shopping, sometimes she will take one of our kids with her... I'm pretty sure she does this just so my mind will be put at ease. (BUT WHAT IF SHE JUST TAKES THE KIDS TO THE AP's HOUSE ANYWAY???!!!! ) I wasn't serious about that last part, but the thought has crossed my mind. Ugh. I don't want to play marriage police. My W works hard, is a good mother, etc... she should be able to spend an afternoon out shopping, having lunch, doing whatever she wants.

As far as her being remorseful... eh, I don't know. I think she deeply regrets the A, but has put it firmly behind her. I don't think she ever really thought of it as something she did to me, just a stupid thing she did that she must now put behind her and work through. We don't really talk about it. I don't really remember the last time we did speak of the A. We get along very well. We parent well together. We have fun together. We have goals together. Sex life... eh I've bitched about that enough on here, let's just say she's happy to provide that for me, but could take it or leave it. I don't really think about D anymore. But part of me wonders if I subconsciously want her to cheat again so that I can have a legit reason to leave, and I'm looking for the signs. I can't really say for sure.

As some of you know, I nearly had my own A last spring. A friend of a friend who is 11 years younger than me. I never had her number, never communicated outside of group situations. But this one night I was in a situation where I was standing at the edge of the water, and all I had to was close my eyes and hop in. I definitely could have began an A that night. Instead I stepped back and didn't go through with it. It's been 7 months and I never saw her again, and I never will, I can make sure of that! But it gave me a new perspective to Affairs in general, and how easy it is for one to get caught up in it. I understood my WW's A in a whole new way. I never told my wife about my experience with the other girl. I never actually did anything with this other person. Never had her number, facebook, anything, never kissed, etc. But the EA was ready to begin, and knowing this girl's level of promiscuity, a PA would've been quick to follow. (Not slut shaming anybody, for the record... just saying, she would've been DTF.)

I'll talk to my W tonight about some of the thoughts I've been having lately. Perhaps it's just Thanksgiving/Christmas time brings back lots of memories of my original Dday aftermath 3 years ago. Perhaps I secretly want to catch her? I don't think so, but the subconscious is a funny thing. Or maybe I'm just losing it!!! I'll report back after I talk to her tonight. Thanks everyone!