SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Also, I was so heated when I picked my username I did “UndeRdeserving” instead of “Undeserving” so I get to live with that mistake too lol

Anyways, in 2017 I discovered my husband had a Snapchat that I didn’t know he had. I requested to be his friend, it took him a little while to accept, and when he finally did I saw he had a score of 3,600 snaps. I was so confused and didn’t understand how he could have so many. He explained it away like he and a buddy he worked with would send them to each other to pass the time. I didn’t really believe him.

Fast forward to yesterday, and after a little lying on what history you’re able to retrieve on SC, I finally got him to admit to talking to 3 women over the course of 5 months. Videos, pictures, and chats were exchanged on a daily basis. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. His actions are awful enough to deal with, but being lied to for YEARS it’s what makes this thing so hard.

There was no physical cheating, so many might not understand what the big deal is, but I still feel extremely betrayed. This sucks so bad.

Oh, it’s a big freaking deal, and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.

I also hate Snapchat. I believe it’s primary purpose is to cheat. My WH had two snapchats and if I questioned the use, he would show me the innocent one. See, only a work friend.

A-hole.

Also for history, you can download current and deleted friends. How often they were on it. When they started. Etc. So though you can’t see the snaps, you can get some damming information.

Oh, it’s a big freaking deal, and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.

Agree 💯%. Betrayal is betrayal.

And let’s assume you ask more questions you have no idea if you are getting the truth. And no way of knowing if he met any of these fellow losers. He may say they live in another country or in a different state. You have no way of getting solid evidence.

He’s now a liar and a cheater!!!!!

There was no physical cheating, so many might not understand what the big deal is, but I still feel extremely betrayed. This sucks so bad.

It’s a big damn deal. Don’t do any preemptive minimizing on his behalf; trust me he will do plenty of that on his own.

Also don’t assume this is the extent of it. If it went on for any length of time an emotional attachment was formed. If an emotional attachment was formed, physical contact is just around the corner.

Because it was years ago, and not physical, I do feel like it’s being diminished by everyone. Now he is owning up to how big he messed up. He actually was the one who told my mom because he wanted to “man up” and also apologize for hurting me to her as well. As “nice” as all that is, I’m still extremely broken, and all I can do is think about MY husband taking pictures of himself and sending them to skanks. And receiving pictures and videos and all the nasty he probably said to them. Like it physically hurts my heart to think about.

I did figure out his log-in and downloaded data. I was able to see the friends he deleted, which included the girls obviously. That’s how I got him to fess up, I lied and said I could see the number of snaps he sent to them, otherwise he would probably have never told me the truth. I did look all of them up and none of them live in the same state as us. They’re all gross women who probably did the same with countless men. It’s so ew.

He’s saying it was a rough time in our marriage (it was but I didn’t go talk to other men) and how he’s grown and matured as a person and husband. But you’re still a freakin liar, dude! That’s the huge problem. I don’t know if I’ll ever trust him again. I mean no marriage is easy all the time, what happens when times get hard again? Ugh I wish I could stop the hurting. Feels like it won’t ever cease.

Under,

First Welcome & sorry you are here.

Second be aware this may only be the tip of the iceberg.

Cheaters lie, lie, & lie some more,

Please don’t minimise his actions, betrayal is betrayal be it Emotional or physical, he invested 5 months worth of time with other women outside of your marriage,

Dig deeper as I don’t believe you have the whole truth

Good luck

It doesn't matter if it wasn't 'physical'. He cheated on you. Period.

Also, please prepare yourself for more truth. It is a rare situation where a caught WS confesses everything up front. There is most likely a LOT more to this story than what you are hearing.

I am so sorry

It is a huge awful betrayal. NEVER let anyone tell you it isn't, especially him.

My husband didn't use Snapchat but he texted and called (and unfortunately stopped in to see a few times) an ex girlfriend for 21 years. Yes. Let's unpack that...21 years of intimate conversations, I love yous etc so on. And after they broke up on Halloween last year (he HATES it when I say they broke up! ) He got into a texting/sexting/pictures/videos/ etc. never physical affair with another ex that I caught him doing on Christmas Eve complete with festive naked boob pictures. It is a betrayal that will rip your guts out.

I will be thinking of you and do not let anyone feel you are overreacting. hang in there.

He’s saying it was a rough time in our marriage (it was but I didn’t go talk to other men)

Every marriage — including, and perhaps even especially, good ones — has a “rough patch.” It goes with the territory. Good for you spotting this as the minimization and blameshifting that it is.

Prepare yourself for more. He’s in damage control mode, and I’m sorry to say I’d bet there is more. For one thing, he’s already proven to you that he is a liar and a cheat. By definition, that means there is probably more.

You might consider putting a VAR in his car. Also, I’m pretty sure Fonelab can download lots of deleted content going back some time ago — won’t give you Snapchat but will give you lots of other information.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:41 PM, December 9th (Monday)]

Well more came out. Will update when I feel like I can but it’s really really bad.

Please don’t minimize your pain! And don’t let him do it either. Betrayal is betrayal. All forms still have an incredibly painful impact. I doubt the videos were of girls singing in the church choir. If he used any of those videos to masturbate, either separately or together, that’s physical all day long in my opinion. Even if he didn’t....still bad bad bad!!

Sorry you’re here. You will get through this. Hugs to you

No matter what details now emerge - whether you have learned it was physical when in the past he said it wasn’t - just know that you will survive this. Whether you D or R or separate or whatever happens - you do not owe him any answers right now.

He may be begging you to stay married. You do not owe him anything!

I suggest finding yourself a good counselor to support you. It can help you tremendously (like us here at SI) but you may need real life professional help too.

So sorry for you - the trickling of truth and details is the worst!

He had an actual 3 month affair, which was of course physical. Had to contact the girl myself. Well I pretended to be him. She genuinely didn’t know he was married or even had kids. I feel like I’m literally dying

(((under)))

I am so sorry!!

She genuinely didn’t know he was married or even had kids.

I would view this with a healthy helping of doubt. Remember, she is a liar too as far as you know.

I'm so sorry.

You need to buckle up, because there is no way you have found out everything. He has already proven that he will only to admit to what you are able to prove.

Your first impulse will be to call him right away and chew him the fuck out. If you haven't already, I would hold off on confronting just yet and do a little more digging to see what else you can find. When you do confront, hold back information while you demand he tells you everything. When he forgets a detail, you can call him out and he will not know how much you know and cannot use that tactic.

Again, I am so sorry. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

I do understand.

My wife had an EA and maybe even a short PA.

It was the lying and hiding the truth that was most upsetting ore than the possible physical betrayal.

I never trusted her again like I did before this happened and it's been over 30 years ago.

I am with you on Snapchat! I found is on my ex's phone years ago and asked him to take it off. He claimed it was super easy to use and he had to use it for his business. Well, that is not what he was using it for. By the way, they almost always say they were "just chatting." Good luck...

It’s been lies after lies.

Some didn’t read my other reply, but I logged into his Snapchat and added some of the girls from his deleted. The ones I thought he was talking to were out of state, but the one he actually was talking to is only about 45 min from us. I pretended to be him and learned a lot, then told her I was actually his wife. She answered a few of my questions. She gave him her number one day when he came into her work, and he started talking to her. I guess they had a relationship, and it was physical. Their main communication was Snapchat.

Have you confronted him about your findings yet? Keep investigating and gathering evidence if you feel strong enough.

Please find a therapist to help you deal with the trauma and get tested ASAP for STDs, a full panel.