SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If anyone shares a similar elements in a betrayal, I would love to hear if you were able to reconcile and somehow get past or put steps together to move past the humiliation which came along with it.

In my case, I knew that the boxing trainer had something for my wife. He was the source of many arguments and fights. He would pay me compliments at the gym quite often, bump my first, and give me motivation to better myself at the gym. In no way did I feel he was a friend, rather than a threat as there were too many red flags on both sides to ignore. I had no idea they were already having sex.

We are still in beginning stages of reconciliation (at least, I think this is what I had wanted) and one of the harder things I am having a problem dealing with is that she would let me continue go to this gym and have interaction with this guy. The affair and the resulting secret were kept from me for 8 months.

My exwife cheated on me. The thing I got angry about the most was the fact that she had invited him into our home, I shook his hand, all the meanwhile they were having sex. This situation with my wife is much, much, much worse, as I had interacted with this guy nearly twice a week for 6 months. I am so furious and destroyed. I know that the reason why no one wanted anything to do with me at that gym (even though we had similar interests) were because they knew that my wife was having the affair.

Some things are just unforgivable.

This may be one of them.

There is cheating. And then there is the added humiliation your wife subjected you to by parading the AP in front of you.

I’m not sure I could get past that. Good luck to you. I feel your pain.

I don’t personally have any experience with a situation like this, but a very close friend and confidant during this time in my life has. Her husband worked in a gym, and had affairs with a few of the ladies he trained. They actually came to her to get their hair done by her several times. They were Facebook friends and the women would comment how cute her kids were, and even interacted with her kids at the gym a few times.

She has been my number one Hope with her marriage that you can overcome infidelity. I know the almost “double betrayal” of it adds another aspect that others don’t have, but it is definitely doable. I’ve noticed even in the reconciliation group on this website people can be extremely negative (which why tf are you here if you didn’t reconcile??) so I wanted to offer some hope that forgiveness for her, him, and even yourself (sometimes needs to be done for “being oblivious”) is possible. Best wishes!

I saw your thread title and it piqued my interest

keeping your posts - as much as possible - in one thread will help people "see" your situation

Go back and read posts by Butforthegrace - he was polite.

Appears to me you have told her (in deed and/or words) you will stay - and tolerate her lack (or may be I missed) of emphathy - regret isn't the same.

She sounds damaged and you are doing pick me/KISA.

You won't get over this ever - you will have to live with your "experience" even if you split.

It will always be the pink elephant in the room if you stay.

You mentioned living separate for a while. I would do that. Financially it is a PITA but the benefit is you won't have her in your face everyday to remind you of -

and maybe she will learn some things about herself

and time apart will gradually allow your thoughts to coalesce and if you keep posting here for sanity check - people will help you along

Good Luck

Watch her actions to see if she is going to do the work to reconcile. You don't have to make a decision right now.

Does she treat you with respect? Is she willing to establish boundaries so this doesn't happen again?

Remove yourself from the equation. You were never a thought in her mind during the A. You weren't part of the thought process.

If she's truly sorry, she will do the work to make sure you are safe in the relationship. My UH wouldn't do the work, so we're headed for D. His actions showed he would never be a safe partner.

I think you have to decide if you have it in you to forgive her and the humiliation she put you through.

I share here on SI my H didn’t just cheat - he was planning on kicking me to the curb. He talked about D for 6 months. An extra added insult to add to the cheating.

Not every cheater wants a D. Just like not every cheater humiliates their spouse the way you were.

It’s up to you to decide if you can forgive her and accept she did it.

Seeing my H beg me to R didn’t do a damn thing. By seeing his remorse and willingness to make amends (even 6 years later) was what I needed to forgive him. It took many years to fully forgive. It’s not easy. But I decided it was either that or our marriage was over.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:35 AM, April 3rd (Friday)]

There are some things that, no matter what she does, you just can't move beyond. The threads by Waitedwaytoolong speak to this. His WW's A also included a number of humiliating details that, in th end, he could not move past. It wasn't really a question of "forgiveness". It was that he realized that he could not look at her with eyes of unfiltered love.

Bringing the AP into your home, infusing him into your life in that way, that's not just feeding you the proverbial "shit sandwich", that is smashing it into your face and rubbing it around. It smacks of a degree of contempt toward you that is difficult to to even comprehend.

You are mentinoning that you feel humiliated. Have you stated this to her?

If so, how did she react?

I hear, "The BS heals the BS" but part of this is the WS fixes the damage they caused. They become a "BETTER" partner. Not just safe in my point of view. But whatever.

If she humiliated you in front of the gym, she needs to start telling everyone she meets about how amazing you are. People should be unfriending her on Facebook because she can't stop blowing smoke up your rear.

This is something my wife had to learn. It came from a friend who said if my wife didn't start stepping things up she was going to lose me in a different way.

If she was on here, I would ask her when was the last time she talked you up to an attractive male? Then similarly to an attractive female?

My wife learned she talked me up only to women she felt couldn't threaten her and had to work on herself in that area.

Maybe not what you want to hear, but because I had a similar set of circumstances with similar humiliating pieces, I thought I'd chime in. I publicly and privately interacted with AP and ex-WW in number of ways similar to yours. Damn, I even recommended the guy for a job at my organization while he was actively sleeping with my wife.

I got past the humiliation naturally, by having a D and then having other relationships with other women.

In the months post DDay, I thought I wanted R more than anything in the world. Would have sacrificed my dignity, comfort, health and well-being for it.

That would have been suicide.

I've seen in your other threads that you're concerned about your kids and that's a huge motivating factor for you. I felt the same way. But I'm here to tell you, on the other side of this, that kids will be fine. But they will be less fine with a broken, destroyed, perpetually humiliated dad, and they will be MUCH less fine if they have to deal with a very broken marriage forever.

Kids do best when you're at your best. Divorce isn't something you do that will hurt them; what actually happens is that you give them the gift of your happiest, healthiest, best self. They'll appreciate you much more for that in the long run. No kids appreciate their parents for staying together "for them" despite irreparable brokenness.

I'm also here to tell you that on the other side of D is positivity, validation, exciting new experiences, even new women and new love. Have you thought about that? About how good that could feel?

I don't long for my exWW in any way these days, and I have no pangs of regret, lingering humiliation, or anything. Instead I feel strong, validated, positive, and awesome about myself. And I was head-over-heels in love for a long time. Thought she was my everything.

Take it for what you will. I know you're on a journey and you're trying to figure everything out. It takes a while. You're being strong and putting your best foot forward for your kids. Wherever you end up, that will be the best move for you.

But just remember: D is not the end of the world. It's really not. For most (all?) of us, it's actually proved to be the unexpected, life-saving bridge to a much, much, much better world.

[This message edited by Okokok at 10:13 AM, April 3rd (Friday)]

I appreciate the responses.

We have been doing nightly "Lasting" sessions (an IOS app that asks each other open ended questions on various topics) We have been through a handful of different categories including communication, repair, and infidelity. She is doing these lessons on a nightly basis and she is in board for continuing to do them on a nightly basis for as long as I/we need. We do have a professional marriage counselor, right now we are on hiatus as insurance is not covering our remote sessions during the Covid-19 Pandemic.

I did let her know that she absolutely humiliated me and it was by far much worse than what my exwife had done. She was very remorseful, and let me know that that wasnt her intent. She says she knew that this gym was important to my sobriety and she did not want me to lose that outlet as this was the only type of gym (cardio boxing gym) in the area.

She asked me the other night if I loved her, to which I responded I do I just dont know what that love means. Looking back at everything, my love really has changed toward her. Something about our relationship is dead, and it is not going to be coming back to life. Truth is, I am not sure what part of the relationship died. We have always connected with each-other on a friend/best friend level, which makes this betrayal even worse as I cannot go back to living like I am living with my best friend. That didnt work once, it obviously wont work again.

HOWEVER. I am still newly minted sober (11 months). She says that me sober is the me that she has been missing and longing for for years. Again, this could just be lip service, or she could really mean what she is saying. I am hoping that more time will bring more answers to what I am feeling. I still feel very much lost some days, others I feel angry, and very seldom, I feel that everything is going to be alright.

There are a number of ways to deal with humiliation. No matter what, to resolve the feeling as fully as possible, you have to deal with your own self-talk and change it from attacking-self to nurturing-self. That's hard work you need to do whether you D or R.

In the I Can Relate forum, there's a 'Double Betrayal' thread that may give you insight into how people deal with it. In any case, reading about other people being doubly betrayed may help you decide how you want to deal with it.

I'll add that I think whatever you do will have a better outcome if you see both D & R as leading, potentially, to a good life for you an your kids. Letting fear govern your choice doesn't bode well.

I’m with Sissoon. It’s about you healing from that added layer of hurt. Processing it. And accepting it happened, and you can’t change that it happened.

To me, that’s not about R or D. It’s about you working through it, even if you are no longer with your WW.

Sk I am divorcing, so take what I say for what it's worth. My STBXWW did try and humiliate me if front of her AP. I wont get into the details, but it involved parading in front of him with me to make him jealous. I've spent much time pondering this behavior. I firmly believe that all actions are transaction to one degree or another. We do stuff to get stuff. Much of it us good, like charity, which gives us a good feeling and increases our sense of community. One of it, not so good.

For my STBXWW, it was about gaining or regaining power. I think that she us a covert narc, but not extreme. A friend who has a psych background and knows her, feels she is on some spectrum or another. Anyway, she is a very superficial person who values her physical appearance. This is partly why she was ripe for the picking from a serial cheater AP. he new what buttons to push to make a 49 year old woman feel "purdy"... and she lapped it up. She always felt that she married down with me, physically speaking. I wasnt athletic enough, too professerish as she would call it. I think when my eyes went and I had to get glasses, it was the final straw. She told me I needed contacts all the time.

The problem with her feeling of marrying down is that I am quite a bit brighter than her. Her family is quite thick, as intelligence is largely inherited and incuriousity runs through that family like shit through a goose. Now dont get me wrong, I am not being, as some of you say, elitist. I just dont feel being bright or educated is something to apologize for. We don't apologize for athletic ability or hair colour.

Shit, this is getting long... anyhow, she would always complain that I thought I was soooooo smart and she could not keep up. And she was right. Many of my friends would complain that they could not hold a conversation with her because she just didnt know anything or couldn't be bothered to learn.

So here is the rub. She felt that I was beneath her while at the same time recognizing at a subconscious level, that I had married down. What resulted was a cocktail of contradictions, a sense of entitlement and insecurity at the same time. So she defaulted to her one, albeit diminishing asset, her physical appearance. By parading me in front of her AP, she was asserting her power and trying to reestablish her position of dominance in the relationship. I'm sure the triangulation was intoxicating for her. In a childish way she was simply saying that she was better than me and I didnt even know it.

The irony is that, of course, it back fired. Ah, shadenfrueda-I think that's how you spell it- is delicious. I maintained my dignity and she was outed to everyone in glorious, unvarnished detail. Her response was to physically attack her AP on a couple of occasions as she was livid for being played.

Sorry, hit post before i was done.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 11:34 AM, April 5th (Sunday)]

Fugly, your situation is complicated because of your interactions with the AP and how your WW didn’t protect you from them. That is a secondary and no less hurtful aspect of her Affair.

So the humiliation will always be part of your past, whether you D or R. But over time it will become less important and less immediate, lessening the pain.

What she can do is provide you with a safe environment in which to heal. Has she done these things? If not, I’d be telling her that you cannot remain, trying for R, if she’s not delivering on all of them.

1) a written plan on how to rebuild your relationship including the steps she will take to make you feel loved.

2) documenting the ways she will make you feel safe in the relationship

3) telling the truth on if she misses the AP, if she still thinks he is a good guy and desires to be with him. If she can’t make you feel that she has none of these things for him then you might as well move on

4) make you feel desired. If it were me I would tell her she needs to initiate new intimacy with you in ways she did NOT have with him. She needs to be creative and also make you feel like your the only man she’d want to do these things with and that She’s comfortable sharing them with you and only you for the rest of her life.

5) I’d want letters. Lots of them. Describing what you staying means to her. Describing how you must feel being betrayed so badly by the person you were meant to feel safe with. Why she loves you. What she wants for your future. There’s lots of topics I can think of if you want them. I’d ask for a letter a week. If she wants you in her life she’d do it.

6) Id actually want to be flirted with. As if she courting me for the first time. You said the old M is dead so if she wants a new one she needs to show that desire.

But there is more to this Fugly. And some of this is on your side.

I will never blame a BS for their spouses A. That was all on her. She didn’t care about how it would affect you and that was callous. During that time she was more a spouse to anyone else in the world than you. She was completely wrong and actually deserves to lose you because of it.

But in your relationship history you have betrayed her in a way as well. 9 years of alcoholism is a betrayal to not only yourself, but your family. It’s an addiction and physically and mentally destructive to you yourself.

But the negative affect on the spouse and family is just as abusive. Again, never to be used as an excuse to have an affair, but as you admit, your actions were destructive as well over a very long period of time.

And part of that, for her, could be humiliation as well. And while it may be a different kind of humiliation, it may have been no less painful to her as well.

So to answer your question, about how to get past the humiliation, I saw part of the solution is to realize you don’t have a monopoly on it. Your actions during your addiction were possibly as destructive to the relationship as hers were. And the pain you feel, while probably different, is no less painful than that she has felt.

And with that in mind, the way you rebuild, is that you and she admit, that neither of you have been more than partially good people at best in the history of your relationship. Neither of you have had each other in mind during your respective addictions.

The most important part of being married, to me, is that you care more about your spouse than you do yourself. In that way you each ensure you have someone looking after you and your well-being. Sure we often say here you have to learn to love yourself before you can love another. But once you do, then you can fully give yourself to your partner and have in mind their happiness as much as or more than you have your own.

You each need to admit to each other that your actions have been hurtful and you each now vow to be the best partners you can possibly be. You need to have an open discussion about the humiliation you each feel and really understand each other’s pain. Really think about how each of your actions made the other feel. Put yourself in her shoes and ask her to do the same.

Actually say it. From you: “How would you feel if I started fucking your sister behind your back and then she took you out to dinner”. From her: “How would you feel if i Showed up drunk at your parents anniversary dinner and passed out on the table?” Really each drink in how painful that would feel. Then make your priority that you will make each other feel safe from that ever happening again.

I said at the top, the humiliation will never completely go away. But you need to work to make it less prominent in your minds over time. You need to promise to each work to be the best possible partners that you can be for each other and actually document and discuss what you are doing to make that happen.

And then, over time, realize, that someone doing that for you is much more intimate than fucking in a linen closet at the gym (which you guys can still do, but is much less important in the grand scheme If life).

I hope this has helped.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:58 AM, April 6th (Monday)]

My EX too put me in a position of humiliation above and beyond the sex she was having with him on our house and bed. He convinced her to set up a meeting to finance a business that he wanted to do, and that my wife would play a small part in.

This guy sits in my house, asking for a huge amount of money, the day after he screwed her in our bed and my wife set it all up. Had I bitten, he would have been in our lives for at least 5 years. She said she felt trapped into doing it, but for me that was no excuse. I never got over the fact that they must have had a good laugh at my expense, even though she swears she felt nothing but fear and revulsion for the meeting. I must say that this contributed greatly into my decision to divorce

In your case the trainer must have also felt like a complete alpha. He was doing the fist pumps to get his kicks. The bigger question is where was your wife in all this. Did she interact with him in front of you? Do you think she made an effort to put you in this situation or somehow enjoyed it? She might have as to her it could have been payback for the years she felt she lost due to your alcoholism.

M not totally familiar with your story. Do you know where they were going to have sex? The reason I ask is guys like him and my ex’s AP get off having sex in the home to further cement the alpha.

What does your wife say about these encounters. Is she repulsed by them? Hopefully it was more of his thing to get you and she wasn’t active in it. Will be easier to get over it if that is the case.

I’ve noticed even in the reconciliation group on this website people can be extremely negative (which why tf are you here if you didn’t reconcile??)

Undeserving just maybe because they're trying? They're human beings not saints. This website is for surviving infidelity, not just for R. It's also for supportive and really judging BS for being hurt instead of successfully reconciled (as if it's in their control alone) isn't supportive.

Hard not to be negative when your spouse had treated you like dirt and ruined your life. And you come here to do try and get help with surviving and saving the marriage and are honest with people that are supposed to understand, that's not negativity. It vulnerability. And it's brave.

It's great that your acquaintance has a successful marriage after being betrayed so horribly.

We can't all have that. And it's not our fault. It's the WS' fault. We're our best.

Like others here, I also use the abbreviation of the user's profile name, but starting out a reply with: 'Hey, FU!' Well...

While I don't have anything to offer on your topic, I had to tell you:

Congratulations on your hard-won 11 months of sobriety! And I wish you peace and healing for the --one at a time--days ahead.