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My Dday happened to fall the day before WH's 40th birthday. And I was throwing him a party the next day and there was going to be some publicity related to his infidelity.... And while miraculously no one at the party had found out about his infidelity, it was none-the-less horrible for me (him as well). I'm sure you can imagine.

So, of course, now my birthday is a trigger. During my birthday last year (about 4 months after Dday) I knew this was going to be a problem and just assumed that the day would be awful and tried to forget about it as much as possible. I still have my unwrapped birthday gift from last year stored in a closet upstairs.

But this year I was hopeful. I really just wanted to have a nice, simple, quiet, happy day. Up until about two weeks before my birthday I still thought things might be okay. And then, about two weeks ago I started triggering - first just small triggers but about a week before my birthday this basically culminated in an anxiety attack. At that point it was clear that a nice, happy birthday wouldn't be possible. So I tried to disengage and get rid of any attachment to having a good birthday. And, of course, that didn't work either. And my birthday was terrible - just awful. I was gritting my teeth the whole day - and, of course, acting happy when family or friends called.

I don't think I'd ever felt as defeated as I did at the end of that day. This was just a simple and modest request to have a nice day. But I couldn't willpower my way into it. I couldn't luck my way into having a good day. And I wasn't able to disengage from it.

I hate the fact that I now have random days that are triggers due to WH's infidelity, and anniversaries are triggers. But my birthday is the one day a year that is mine. And I hate so much that the infidelity has ruined that too - it now officially feels like nothing has been left untouched by this.

And the worst part is that I still can't seem to get this through my head. I can already hear myself thinking well maybe next year I'll be better and I'll be able to celebrate. Logically I know this isn't true but hope dies last. I have already told WH that he is NOT to buy me a present next year and if I ask for one he needs to remind me of this conversation.

I'm not 100% sure what I'm hoping to get from this post. But I would happily take advice on how to handle this next year or how to be able to accept the fact that my birthday is ruined so that I'm not dealing with this again in the future.

And I hate so much that the infidelity has ruined that too - it now officially feels like nothing has been left untouched by this.

Been feeling this every single day for a long time now and I'm also struggling to accept it.

The destruction is so thorough, so complete, that nothing is untainted by it.

I feel your pain.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. My WH had an affair with the wife of our best couple friend. DDay was the day before the the BH birthday. He and I spoke that day (because we all used to be bffs) and I remember him saying “my mom alway told me life wasn’t fair, but I doNt think she had this in mind when she said that.” And every year I wonder how he’s getting through his birthday knowing the day after he found out his wife was fucking his best friend.

Is there any way you can take the day back? It’s YOUR birthday and has nothing to do with your WH. I’m so sorry this has been tainted too. It just imploded your life.

I totally understand your feelings. My first year wedding anniversary is coming up and my d-day was two weeks after we married. I was suppose to be in newlywed bliss. Instead I was in pure hell. The worst part is it doesnt affect them what so ever.

outofsorts, I'm sorry your birthday is a trigger for you. I can understand how awful it must be for you.

Maybe you can spend your birthday with your close friends instead of with WH? Or check in to a nice hotel for a night, eat lots of yummy food and have a relaxing spa day.

Every birthday, my own, WHs, DS1 who was 25 just yesterday, DD2, DD, my late fathers etc. the list goes on, I will never ever have a HAPPY NEW YEAR... just survival new year.

I have given up on my Birthdays and I am quite happy staying the age I am right now...

I think I inadvertently found my fountain of youth 🙏🏼

Oops double up...

Happy birthday to anyone who still has a Happy one.

Me... I gonna dye my hair PINK this year on the day that I was born some 50+ years ago... to hell with it. My kids already think I am going crazy. Why not be the crazy birthday girl with pink hair...👩🏻‍🎤

I think I inadvertently found my fountain of youth 🙏🏼 ❣️

[This message edited by LadyG at 3:41 AM, June 24th (Wednesday)]

For me valentines day is a trigger.. My DDay was beginning of March just after valentines day last year.. But i always would buy my WW a gift and a card, nothing huge, just something.. And for quite a few years she would not have bought me anything, saying it was bs just a commercial date.

Then DDay.. And i find out that she had sent him ecards and pics and videos on valentines days.. Hell she even sent him a nude just before WE were going on a Valentines day date to the cinema.. Telling him she wished she was out with him instead..

This year was a bad day for me i think she understood.. But i was sullen all day.. And full of rage..

Other days trigger me too.. But none like that day.

My WH spent my birthday that year fucking an OW. Then, he came home and handed me a card that said "hope you find your happy place". Every time I think of it, I'm filled with rage and disgust as if it had only happened yesterday.

This is the one trigger that I've never made any headway on. The first couple of years, I tried to be a good sport about it and just get through the day. After that, I requested that my birthday simply be ignored and treated like any other day. He can't manage to do that either. He can't seem to comprehend that he took something away from me that he can never give back.

I know what I ought to do, and that's to dive in headfirst and celebrate ME. But so far, I haven't managed to do it. Maybe this year will be the year. I can bake my own cake, buy my own presents, and do something special just for ME. I dunno. I think that's going to be my plan though.

My dday was my birthday weekend weekend. I also eventually found out that he cheated on me the actual day of my birthday the year before - not sex supposedly, but what he did was enough. My birthday is one of my worst trigger days. At 4 years out, I can honestly say this is one of the first years it wasn’t awful. Usually, it’s the days leading up to it that are the worst.

The biggest things that have helped me are staying busy and doing things I enjoy. I have made every birthday since all about what I want to do. One year we went kayaking, once we went to a spa and I can’t remember the other year. This year was pretty low key because of Covid. It does get better though the further out you get in your healing process. It is always helpful in my case when my WH acknowledges the trigger and does not avoid, so be sure to explain to him what is going and what you are going through on these triggering days. It can take a long time for them to grasp that.

I’m sorry your birthday is a trigger too. I have another coming up - the dumb 4th of July. I hate this stupid holiday now. But again, it’s not as bad anymore as it used to be.

On my birthday last year my FWH was arranging a meeting with a craigslist hooker for the day after my birthday! Meanwhile he got me a box of whoppers for my gift. Talk about ruining all birthdays for me.

This year he planned a weekend trip away for us but all was canceled due to Covid. He tried really hard to make it the best day possible. And it worked. The anticipation of the day was way worse than the day itself.

I hope yours is the same way.

WS's affair took place from September of last year until Feb of this year.

No DDay occured but he essentially tarnished:

Halloween (my favorite holiday)

Thanksgiving

Christmas

Valentine's Day

I'm working on trying to cognitively restructure my thoughts around his power to "ruin" these days. I had visions of boycotting Christmas or refusing to decorate for any of thise holidays but who am I hurting, really? I'm hoping I'll be in a better place by Halloween.

outofsorts

Can you pick another day to celebrate until your feel you can enjoy your actual birthday? Take the pressure off for awhile?

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied! I am so grateful for your responses - it is truly nice to know that other people hear me and can relate to what I am going through. And yet I am also so sorry that all of you can relate to this....

For those who suggested that I try to take it back and celebrate anyway. I don't think this is an option for me right now. I could certainly force some type of celebration on myself but I think I would be miserable the whole time which kind of defeats the purpose. Believe me, if I could have will-powered my way into an enjoyable birthday I would have.

I woke up this morning at around 5:00 crying because of this and some other infidelity related stuff and then around 5:30 decided I was better up getting out of bed and doing something instead of sitting there crying. So I started cleaning my house - which I hate so that tells you what type of mood I was in . When I went into the closet to get the vacuum cleaner the unwrapped present WH had gotten me for my birthday last year was sitting there. In a rage I just unwrapped it because I was so sick of dealing with this s**t. And then I went down to the basement and found out what my present for this year was. At the very least it feels good not to have that hanging over my head anymore.

Yup - my BD a trigger too!

If it up to me, I'd like to crawl in a hole and blanket up for the 24 hours of the day. But nooooo - kids and life and responsibility and crap.

I've told WH I'd like him to pretend it doesn't exist.

Other fun "special day" triggers - VDay and Mother's day.

My birthday is a trigger too. It is OW's birthday too.

From all the f...ing 365 days a year, it happens to be on the same day.

There are some details of the infidelity that, to me, feel like someone is rubbing salt into the wound with - steel wool. cannotforgive - that must feel like one of them.

outofsorts, it truly does feel like that. That is why I do not bother celebrating it.

What if you picked a different day and instead of a birthday, you celebrate the fact that you are a badass that deserves any thing your perfect non-cheating heart desires, because you made it through hell. You didn't assault him either, which is remarkable! Get a cake and focus on yourself and your badassery! Put some value into yourself because you really deserve that. You. Deserve. A. Shitload. Of. Presents!!

Your Birthday is yours to OWN .. in 2002 my WS took OW to Europe spent our anniversary with her .. on my birthday a month later he spent the day with her and bought her an expensive present .. I got nothing .. it took me a few years to own my birthdays .. I treated me to a gift .. it was my day! My WS .. had his secretary send me flowers .. he took me out for dinner .. fast forward to 2019 after learning that his affair never ended in 2002 .. my WS has bent over backwards trying to make me happy .. our Anniversary I don’t make special but my birthday .. yes it is my day and I am special!! Took me a while , self esteem rebuilt .. you are special and need to say it to yourself every day .. I am special, I am worthy , I am loveable !! .. write it down and repeat it to yourself every day !!

I’m approx 1.5 years post dday.

I had trickle troughs and approx 4 months past dday 1, I learned from the OW that my H moved in with her on my birthday for 12 nights while they were in residency together at school. He had just spent the weekend with me and her between the hotel and a air bnb . Had sex with both of us on my bday.

It’s a huge day for triggers and the first year post affair, we were on vacation in Maui where we stayed at a $1000 per night hotel where he lavished me with love and attention.

We are reconciling and holidays, especially my birthday will be tough. I remind him of this and know that he is making 100 percent effort.

[This message edited by Barbarella1 at 2:10 PM, July 7th (Tuesday)]