SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi guys!

If you read my story you will see that my husband cheated on me four years ago right after I gave birth to our daughter with a married so-called friend of mine. I finally caught them after five months of them going behind mine and her husband‘s back. Long story short I decided to fight for our family and give reconciliation a shot. I waited to tell the OBS and he did not believe me and actually sided with his wife so I gave up on pursuing that. In hindsight my WH never fully committed and always blamed me for not being able to get over his infidelity and that’s why our relationship was not improving. Go figure. Maybe it had to do with the fact that he was still going behind my back and seeing her every chance he got. I think they took a break in the last 2 years but I can’t know for sure. She even had a child with her husband this past year. I started feeling his distance in August of this year. My suspicions were confirmed last night when I saw him paying for a motel after following the tracking on Google timeline. He does not know that I track him. A few weeks back he was at another motel closer to where her parents live but I did not drive out there because I was still in denial; he said he was somewhere even though the Google timeline showed that was not the case. Yesterday I was able to record him but did not confront him. I took pictures of her car and I didn’t do the whole confrontation thing like I did last time because I had my daughter in the car with me.

I’m hesitant to fully confront him because we are in the middle of an escrow to purchase our first home, a home that my kids are very excited to move into. Granted we’ve been fighting a lot these last three months and he has even been sleeping on the couch. The lack of sex was another indication that he was at it again, we’ve had sex about once a month in the last three months and after I knew a few weeks ago that he met up with her he’s snuck into my room twice and I’ve let him. But after yesterday I do not want anything to do with him in that area. He has an idea that I know because a couple weeks ago I told him that I knew he was lying about his whereabouts but since I didn’t confront him with any proof he doesn’t think I know anything. Today when I talk to him on the phone I just told him that I hope he is careful and using condoms and that not to worry that I won’t tell her husband. He just denies It and says that by me badgering him about his affair we will never be able to move on. And I tell him how am I supposed to move on if he still in the affair. He is the type of man who will never admit to his wrongdoings so I don’t even care to get him to confess. He will never confess. When I caught him four years ago and banged on the door the next day he said that they were not having sex they were just talking. He really thinks I’m stupid. But then Again I stayed, so maybe I am. just want to be free but he is making it so difficult. The reason I told him over the phone was because he confronted me about not putting lunch today and I said well why don’t you have your lover do it and that’s how the conversation started. He doesn’t know how I know but he knows now that I know.

I’m on here more than anything to share my story and to let you know that if your partner cheats on you please leave them and if things work out in the future then that’s fine but if they don’t lose you they will take advantage of that and never have respect for you.

I wish I would have had the courage to leave sooner because four years is a long time to be in limbo. He has the audacity to continue cheating on me and all the while he is treating me like dirt because he thinks I do not know or I’m just not worthy. My stomach is in knots and I feel stuck because I just want him to leave but since we are set to move at the end of the month I want to get situated in the new home and I need his help. I am a stay at home mom and I need his financial support until I get on my feet. I am currently seeking legal advice to see what my options are.

My heart is completely broken and I wish I could just wake up from this nightmare. I am staying strong for my kids so that they don’t see me this way especially since they are home all day doing online schooling. If anyone can just tell me that things will get better that will serve a great deal. Thank you.

[This message edited by Ordinaryday at 4:25 PM, November 5th (Thursday)]

It might be interesting to see what happened if next time you sent OBS the address to the hotel instead of going yourself.

The only advice I can offer is my own perspective. I'm four years out from DDAY and my WW's 3-month affair - exactly four years ago at this time. The past four years have been hellish.

I've been in limbo, not because she's a serial cheater but just because of the brute FACT of the adultery, the trauma, the pain, and her unwillingness to be completely honest with me.

I mention this background not to project onto your own situation, but merely to offer context. I'm dealing with ONE instance of infidelity and the continuing downstream effects and ramifications from that.

You're now dealing with TWO instances -- or if you want to interpret it as one, an ongoing limerent affair that has reignited. You've been in false reconciliation for four long years. I know a little bit about what this is like. And I know what it's like to hang in there for your family.

I also know that trying to 're-up' for four more years of this kind of disrespect and treatment from your husband sounds like a very tall order. It's a bit like asking a shell shocked soldier to return to the front because he signed his enlistment papers.

No one but a sadist would ever do that.

He's exposing you to ongoing STD risk -- and you're about to get embroiled with him further financially through a new home.

Really think about these things carefully.

You can count on that there will be a next time! That’s why I don’t want show my cards and let him know that I have the tracker on him. I pray to God that he doesn’t figure it out himself. I’m sure they’re going to meet up in the next coming weeks especially since he’s probably going to tell her that he has to lay low.

After I confronted the OBS last time he did not believe me even with the messages I showed him, so I think it’s more in his favor to stay with her because she is the breadwinner. I don’t even care about her or her family. I just want the lying from my WH to stop and for him to just leave me once and for all. Like I told him over the phone today he can stay with her. Our relationship is done but for the sake of our kids I feel like we should continue the process to get the house. He says that he will pay the mortgage until I get on my feet, I just worry that he is going to want to stay in the new house because it is not feasible for him to rent another place because money will be tight with the bigger monthly payment. I really want him to be out of my life.

Thank you, Thumos, for your input. You are absolutely right on the sadist analogy. I hope your situation improves but without complete honesty and transparency that is going to be very hard to achieve.

Things I suppose will get better ( that’s what you want to hear), but, not staying in your situation.

Why on earth are you going forward buying this house?

How do you know if the baby the other lady had with in the past year was her husbands? Could it be your husbands?

I mean you have to of thought about that?

What do you plan on doing?

Look, I’ve been stepped on for seven years, there a point when you tell them to **** off! I Just signed legal separation papers last night.

Going ahead with the house is going to make it harder to leave. In a D you'll have to sell anyways.

How do you know if the baby the other lady had with in the past year was her husbands? Could it be your husbands?

^^^ this is a really good point. It could be your husbands.

Next time they are at a hotel you could anonymously send a message to the OBS.

"Your wife is with another man at such and such hotel RIGHT NOW. Do you want to check it out yourself or would you like photos later?"

I'm sure that would get his attention. And he doesnt even have to know it's from you.

I have considered the baby being his but his genes are so strong that the little girl looks nothing like him. All three of my children look exactly like my WH. I will never know for sure unless a paternity test is taken. But my instinct tells me that it’s not his. Also I don’t think they had much communication last year other than maybe texting which I’ve never had proof of but as far as him physically going over there I did not see any unusual activity on his timeline.

The purchase of the home has me the most stress because he may agree to getting me and my kids situated. According to him, once we move in, his stance is that he will move out, but I don’t see that happening. He says that in the event of a divorce I get to keep the house but he will still have to pay for it, I don’t know how that works?! My ultimate goal is for us to get divorced. I don’t plan on reconciling this time. He didn’t take advantage of the chance I gave him last time. I need to give myself a chance now.

(((Ordinaryday))) I'm with you on the kicking them out and separating after D-Day. My STBX like yours continued the A right under my nose. I even had tracking on him. They were able to get away with it by using a burner phone.

The False R, the Limbo, the lies , gaslighting, emotional abuse, sexual abuse all of it destroyed me.

I'm so sorry unremorseful WS's are the worst of the worst. I will never understand how they can watch someone they supposedly love completely fall apart. They have no soul.

The purchase of the home has me the most stress because he may agree to getting me and my kids situated. According to him, once we move in, his stance is that he will move out, but I don’t see that happening. He says that in the event of a divorce I get to keep the house but he will still have to pay for it, I don’t know how that works?! My ultimate goal is for us to get divorced. I don’t plan on reconciling this time. He didn’t take advantage of the chance I gave him last time. I need to give myself a chance now.

He is a known liar, and does not have you OR your children's best interests at heart. Do not buy this house if you can't afford the mortgage payments on your own. See a lawyer (or three) ASAP and get advice by like... Monday.

Laws vary by state, but generally all debts and assets accrued during your marriage are split 50/50.

When I was legally separating from my WH, I had to sign over our shared car to him (worth roughly $5,000), in exchange for him keeping the $13,000 in credit card debt he had rung up all om his own.

Didn't matter that I had paid for the car, in cash, from my personal account the year earlier.

Please... talk to a lawyer ASAP. The last thing you want to have to do is figure out a way to BUY him out of your new house if you get divorced in six months or a year from now.

If you will be cash strapped in the new home, where can he even go or live? You'll end up staying (miserable) for the kids like so many others. Get out of the sale now. This guy sounds beyond disrespectful and unremorseful.

I am very familiar with situations like yours.

I advise you, gently, to get a lawyer and put the brakes on house buying.

Once the divorce begins then everything gets crazy, don't want to make it even more complicated than it already is.

Best wishes and I hope things get better for you.

Do NOT buy the house. He will make financial promises now. You don’t know if he will keep up with them and that could cause you great financial disaster.

You don’t need a foreclosure hanging over your head b/c he refuses to pay you. It’s too risky. Makes kicking him out even harder down the road.

You don’t need to Confront him. You are wasting your time. He’ll never admit it. So just tell him it’s time to D. When he asks why you can just tell him “I’m sure you know why”.

Then leave the room. Conversation over. Refuse to discuss. Because you cannot discuss anything with a liar and someone who will never admit they are still cheating.

You need a H - not another child. He views you as “his mother”.

Thank you to each and everyone of you for your replies. All of them have stood out and have given me a lot of food for thought.

I have a consultation with an attorney tomorrow who specializes in family law. I’m going to talk to him about my situation and seek advice as to how I should proceed. I hope that there is a document that my WH can sign that will legally bind him to make the payments on the house if that is not the case then I am going to have to discontinue the purchase of the home. Or perhaps there is a way that with alimony and child support I can cover the mortgage and then once I start working I will be able to provide for me and my kids. I’m wondering if that would be an option as well. In any case I definitely need the advice of a professional. Although by coming on here I have gained so much insight from everyone. It’s unfortunate that we have to go through this experience to gain knowledge

Update on his demeanor - He got home early from work today but to his surprise I was not home and I did not get home until three hours later. He tried making small talk with me and I just ignored him. He’s like the tamed animal right now with his tail between his legs. I know it’s all an act and it’s just to reinforce his typical manipulation tactics that he’s always used throughout our marriage. Too bad for him I’m not going to fall for it this time.

Too bad for him I’m not going to fall for it this time.

You rock!!!! Read up on the 180. It’s there to protect you.

The mortgage is HIS obligation to pay the Bank every month. However I have seen in many cases (having worked for a D attorney for many years) that cheaters will (and have) walk(ed) away from their families and financial obligations and left them financially destitute.

Some blame the cheating spouse, some blame the affair partner, some blame the fact the cheater is just that selfish. Whatever the reason is — it’s irrelevant. It’s that you are fighting over an asset or trying to get payment from someone who doesn’t care.

As an example if your H decides his alimony and child support is too much and stopped paying, where does that leave you?

If he decided he doesn’t care about his credit score and stops contributing then you will suffer as well.

You can get him to sign anything. Doesn’t mean he will honor the commitment. You cannot trust his word. He’s proven that.

You cannot trust you and your family are his number 1 priority. He’s proven that too by continuing to cheat.

I financially protected myself. We recently moved to a smaller home. My name is not on the mortgage. It’s on the deed. I co-own the house. But I am not obligated to pay the mortgage. My credit score cannot be affected if my H doesn’t pay.

I’m taking no chances even though we have happily reconciled.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:29 PM, November 6th (Friday)]

I know it’s all an act and it’s just to reinforce his typical manipulation tactics that he’s always used throughout our marriage.

You have gained lots of wisdom. Good for you!

Secure your self financially. Ask for guidance. Weigh out the pros and cons of house ownership from a financial perspective, not an emotional one.

The1stWife has great advice. Do not buy the house while he is lying to you to your face.

If I may offer a mantra to say to yourself everyday: He’s at it again with the same woman, four years later. He is a liar and a cheat. I will not believe a word he is saying nor the promises he makes.

the chance that affairs restart are always there. this is why it is

best to move far away from the AP to prevent NC from being

broken.

OP, even if your WH did not make the first move to break NC

allowing the OW to be close enough to make it too easy for

her to break NC.

affairs create addictive brain chemistry. this is why when NC

is broken it reactivates the addicts need to a fix.

OD,

So sorry you are going through this again,

Keep reading the 180, honestly it’s the only thing that gave me the strength I needed when I finally shouted D to my EX

Can I just say....what a bloody cockwomble your WH is

Also Please don’t believe he will pay for the mortgage further down the line, he’s a proven liar & cheat...you cannot take his word for it.

Cut as many ties as you can, please don’t get in any deeper as he hasn’t changed in 4 yrs why on earth would he do it now.

He has shown you he doesn’t respect you or your children, (again ****ink COCKwomble) by carrying on his affair.

Take care & be strong 💪

Old timer here and I have to admit I have not read the responses of others, but wanted to make sure you get this advice sooner than later.

Put the brakes on buying a home with this man.

This will just entangle you further, and make leaving that much more difficult.

Secondly

She even had a child with her husband this past year.

You need to file for D. Because if this child is his, and there is a chance that it is, then if she files first her child gets the larger % of Child support.

I know that doesn't seem right, but it's just the way that it is.

All three of my children look exactly like my WH. I will never know for sure unless a paternity test is taken.

All this means is his genes are dominant over yours. Plus things change as they grow. Both my kids were like clones of my H when small. My DD is the spitting image of me, except with good hair and blue eyes.

Please get into see several good attorneys soon.

Also same advice as always. See your Dr get full STD testing, that means blood work and pelvic. Also means no more sex with him. This will help you keep a clear head, and not get more mired emotionally, and will also send a message that you don't need him.

Keep reading, keep posting.

Hey everyone,

Just want to come on here and give my sincere gratitude to all of you who have read my story and posted such sound advice. I read each and every post and did not take anything on here lightly. I believe that by sharing my story here and hearing everyone’s experiences gave the courage to take back my life.

I went in yesterday to see an attorney and gave the retainer to start the divorce proceedings. The divorce papers will be getting filed on Monday morning. I know I still have a long journey ahead but there is no turning back now. He is still lying to my face and I am not going to be continued to be made a fool of. I did not go home last night and I’m staying at my parent’s house. I told him I need my space and that I am still deciding whether to give him a chance or not. He keeps calling and telling me that he’s going to change and that he realizes that he loves me and that he’s going to make the effort to remedy the damage he caused four years ago. (He still thinks we are moving forward with the home purchase but I already canceled escrow.) I need him to think that I still need him to help me “move” until he is served with divorce papers.

I woke up with a ton of anxiety today but not because I’m second-guessing my decision to file for divorce more so not knowing what his reaction is going to be and having to prepare myself for all the faces he’s going to show me during this process. He refuses to leave our rental and so if he does not want to leave I’m going to have to keep staying at my parent’s house.

What should I expect these next coming weeks? I still feel too weak to be around him so my best strategy right now is to just stay away from him.