SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I am a 42m married to a 45f for 20 years. 2 biological kids together (confirmed) & 2 step kids. My wife has cheated on me several times throughout our marriage. The last time was 8 years ago. I forgave her and I can’t understand why now (8yrs later) I’m just now feeling like walking away.

Backstory:

Both my wife & I were brought up in broken homes. Both of us were only kids from failed marriages and raised by relatives that resented us. I escaped into the military, & she got pregnant at 15, kicked out of her home, and eventually got into a good worker program for hairstyling.

We met in 1999 when she had 2 kids and I was carefree childless bachelor. After a year we got married and we had 2 kids together 2 years a part in the early 2000s. I stayed in the military till 2017 and have gotten out doing well financially.

The infidelity:

2006 was the worst year of my life. I deployed, several of my friends got killed due to a failure on a leader’s part. That was covered up while myself & the other 4 guys that came forward to shed truth on the situation had our careers torpedoed because of doing so. While deployed my wife had been putting pictures of herself on “Hot or Not” and getting her ego inflated. She set up a netting with a guy on the other side of the country and told me when I came back she wanted to fly out to spend time with her old school best friend (female). I knew that was where she lived, & my mind was already shut down from losing friends and possibly my career, so I stupidly agreed - but at that time she had ALL my trust. I had been so mentally conditioned that “You’re a guy in the military, so if anyone would cheat it’s you.” So if anything I was worried about ever putting myself in situations where I could stray (alcohol, parties, clubbing, etc) so I was 100% a homebody.

So I drop my wife off at the airport and blindly drive home to spend time with the kids and deal with my crushing depression. I figured I could maybe just play some PC games but our family computer (we only had 1 desktop for the household) was running super slow. I decided to clean it up, delete old files, and some of the throw away poorly took photos my wife usually kept with the good ones. After 20+ folders I found some “hidden” folders with semi graphic photos of her. At that tim she used AOL messenger which you could delete messages so they wouldn’t show, but the messages were still kept in junk files if you never cleaned you computer (like she obviously didn’t). What I found destroyed me.

There were conversations over AOL messenger of her flirting with local guys and making plans to meet up or hook up that went back YEARS. However, the recent ones were of her and a guy out in the state her “best friend” lived. After reading everything I found it was easy to put 2 and 2 together. She’d flown out to see her friend as she said, but left after the 2nd day to hookup with this guy. Even worse, she hadn’t signed out of AOL messenger so as my wife was leaving to fly back home I read all the messages between them talking about all the sex they had - everything.

I confront my wife when she gets home - and I’ve never forgotten this in 15 years - the first words out of her mouth were just “how did you find out?” THAT crushed me. She was obsessed with me telling her how I found out. She started with the gaslighting and small lies & denied having sex until I showed her the messages. EVERYTHING in me was screaming at me to walk away from our marriage. But, I had just lost my friends killed in war, I was almost certain at the time my career was dead, and now I would be losing the only thing I had left in the world: my family. Zero chance of me getting custody of the kids, and I wouldn’t be able to move to where she would take them, plus I had another deployment coming up in 8 months. I ask her to stop talking to the AP but he kept calling obsessively, relentlessly. I changed her cell & he called the house phone. One day she picked up when he called and she talked to him like a long lost friend with a big smile on her face right in front of me. I told her to hang up & she ignored me and kept talking. I wanted to punch that phone out of her hand and if that swing hit her face then so be it. But I didn’t, the kids were there as well and at the time were very young. They didn’t deserve to get traumatized by that whole mess. We went to couples counseling, moved into a new house, and time went on. What had happened shattered me to my core. My wife accused me of being distant, but I had my own demons to deal with from war - demons she wanted no part of in talking about or helping me cope with. I will admit to being distant, I was working 10+ hours daily, but the loss of trust in our marriage was devastating to me.

After 2 years of deciding to work heavily on our marriage we had gotten to a point where I felt we were at a high point. I had repeatedly asked her if there was anything we need to work on and she had told me no, the sex was great, our relationship was great, & she was completely content. Then came another deployment. But I left feeling secure that we were in a good place & we could get through ok this time. I would call her almost every day and we would talk and add the kids on the conversation as well. Time went by and I finally returned. However there was a noticeable pullback from her when I got home, & she deflected my attempt at initiating sex that first night back. I knew something was up & grabbed her phone, nothing looked out of the ordinary so I chalked it up to being away for a year & her needing to readjust. One night wasn’t a red flag. Until it happened again the 2nd night and she told me she needed to run to the store since we were out of milk. As she was dressing I grabbed her phone and got her password on the 3rd try. She had just text messaged an unlisted number and it said “I’ll be there soon baby, I miss you so much too, I can’t wait. Love you.” At this point I wasn’t floored like the first time she cheated. What floored me was the emotions tied to it. After confronting her and fighting over it, she admitted to having an affair while I was gone and developing emotions for the guy. I was furious so I demanded a divorce right then & there. I was loud, the kids could hear, and they did get scared. My step daughter (16 at the time) had been watching the kids alone (sometimes overnight when my wife slept over at the AP’s apartment) and knew what was going on half way through. I was furious at that as well, but you can’t blame a kid being put in that situation, so I let it go.

After separation and seeing how little time I was going to have with my kids, I eventually choked down my pain and hurt over everything, but my love for my wife was changed forever. More like how you love a longtime friend you’ve known since childhood then the love you have for a lover & mother of your children. So we worked on our marriage again for another 3 years. I still hadn’t started trusting my wife again, but she did try super hard that time to show me she wanted to keep the marriage. I will admit that even though I was only in it for the kids at this point, I wanted to love my wife. My heart was just too damaged. Nevertheless I tried. Then in 2013 my mother died unexpectantly. My father had already passed away so this was a big hit to me. I had to fly out to help with the funeral but we couldn’t afford to fly everyone out at that time, so my wife & kids were staying. My stepson was in that rebellious teenage phase & had stolen my cc number a few times to buy things online, so to make sure that wasn’t going on, I put a keylogger on the family computer. I wasn’t suspecting my wife of anything & she never used the computer anymore so I thought nothing of it, till I got back from the funeral and checked the computer. On the very night I flew out to bury my mother, devastated and in tears - my wife had logged into Facebook messenger and talked with the prior AP she had fell for. They were flirting back and forth and she was asking him how he was doing and where he was living, and they flirted back and forth about how much they missed having sex.

At this point any sane person would walk away right? Anyone not a complete IDIOT would’ve seen that and just walked. Yet I was flying out in 6 weeks for what would be my last deployment for the military. My head was not in a good place & I can see now the sunken cost fallacies & bargaining I was doing in my head to justify staying, when all I wanted was to just come home to my kids at that point. So I bled out all the pain & rage that deployment. The firefights, spending every waking moment not working in the gym or running 8+ miles everyday. I got up to 21 miles on one run in the desert. I think the gym & running kept me sane. It for sure was the one thing keeping me from going back to my own bunk several times and blowing my brains out. After 12 months deployed I came back and picked up the pieces of my family and swore to try one last time. I also started to feel out if my kids would choose me over their mother if we divorced. Then I went and did something really stupid.

The stupid idiotic revenge

So much hate & resentment had built up inside me that I decided to cheat on my wife to get even. 1 night stand, no emotional attachment. I chickened out twice before I went through with it - it was the contempt & disdain of cheating fighting it out in my head with the hatred and resentment but at that point I figured I had to go through with it or I could never look at my face in the mirror or stay in the same house as my wife. There was too much hate & resentment. So I did the deed - for anyone in this situation that has read this far - if you’re thinking about revenge cheating DON’T. The chemical rush of sex with someone new (I had only been with my wife at this point - 15 years of marriage) was exhilarating. What I didn’t expect was the horrible feeling of guilt (and even worse) extreme loss of self respect. It didn’t relieve my hate & resentment - it just reoriented all of that hate & resentment from my wife to myself.

The Prologue

So I went back home from my one night stand, told my wife what I did & why. She just accepted it. She didn’t lash out, or revenge cheat, or anything. She just stayed home, spent all her time with me, & things returned to whatever twisted version of normal you could call it being after all the cheating at that point. 3 years later my wife got weight loss surgery and lost 105lbs and has gotten back down to 5’ 10” 115lbs 2 years later. I’m no longer in the military, & we’re financially stable. However, it’s now been just under a year since we’ve has sex and that seems to be the future trend. She’s been 100% open with me, giving me full access to her phone, computer, GPS, the whole thing. I have zero suspicion that she is cheating or wants to cheat. It has been roughly 8 years since the last affair. Everything is going as smoothly as can be expected, and my wife is gorgeous. My LIFE is gorgeous.

The issue I need help understanding

Why is it NOW then, when I should be completely content and all of my hatred & resentment has finally bled away - that I want to just walk out on my marriage and ghost my wife? I don’t want to leave because I want to be with other women. I’m not even that beaten up over not having sex for so long (although it scares me a little that I feel so nonchalant about it).

I’m content, but have zero intense emotions for my wife 8 whole years later & I just want to cut my marriage away and walk.

What the hell is this? I don’t understand it, but sometime during COVID (I worked all through it) all emotional attachment and desire to keep my family together has just faded away. I know leaving would devastate my kids. My wife has chosen to be a stay at home mother for the last 12 years and also has little family outside of our marriage to fall back on. After 20+ years of gritting my teeth and chanting “just keep the family together no matter what” I 100% don’t care anymore and that scares me.

After 20+ years of gritting my teeth and chanting “just keep the family together no matter what” I 100% don’t care anymore and that scares me.

Why does it scare you?

I think sometimes there is just too much damage to recover a marriage. Your WS is a serial cheater most do not or cannot change. I know I definitely hit the ‘done’ point after so many toxic years together.

When you are done you are done. It doesn’t matter if it is years later.

The marriage can only survive so much. And time and wisdom okay a role. You may now see your thoughts of keeping the family together was not a good idea because now you see things differently.

I had that same thought. Keep the family together. Joke was on me. Six months of false reconciliation and he’s still cheating I decided my mental health was more important than my marriage. Basically I quit the marriage on dday2.

Don’t allow yourself to feel obligated to this marriage. My therapist told me a “successful” D happens when you walk away knowing you did your best but it just no longer works.

I think that some traumas are so great that we just swallow them, push them down for our own mental survival.

But since this trauma was not dealt with, it will eventually resurface. Now it has.

IMHO, your wife's actions were so egregious and remorseless I wouldn't know where to begin to fix it, I would have to get away.

[This message edited by whatIknowNow at 5:52 AM, November 9th (Monday)]

Wow, just wow, I truly feel for you.

You have been through so much don’t be so hard on yourself,

Sometimes when you have gone through countless DDays, countless trauma, more up & downs than a yo-yo, been on a continuous rollercoaster your mind, heart & soul align enough to say “that’s it” “no more” “I am done”

I know that’s what happened to me after more than 25 yrs with my ex.

Don’t be scared of a new beginning, I’m not saying it’s easy all the time but I will say it’s worth it to live the best life for you.

You rugswept. Rugsweeping trauma only delays and increases it it never relieves the trauma. You said your "life is gorgeous." It's not gorgeous. No sex in a year. Angry. Resentful. Unresolved pain and trauma. Saying it is gorgeous is still the same you that chose to rationalize and rugsweep your pain and your wife's rejection and betrayals.

You have decisions to make. You chose to delay instead of address and deal. Unfortunately, you are at a place where the piper demands payment and pretending won't cover it anymore. There is no limit of time on deciding if you can or cannot live with abuse and betrayals.

One thing that is particularly troubling is that you make no mention of requiring that your terribly broken wife get counseling to help her to understand the root of her brokenness. Without that, you have known you live, day to day, with an unsafe partner who did little or nothing to demonstrate empathy and deep change. A terrible strategy for real healing and reconciliation.

I am only a bystander and I really don't know all your details, but from what you have described, your cheating wife is not in deep remorse and did not do the hard work to rebuild trust, she is a serial cheater on hold until the next time.

I am sorry for the abuse your WW served up to you and the pain you clearly have endured. Decide when you are ready to stop the rationalizing and rugsweeping, and then what is it that you need to be healthy and happy.

I am going to offer you a different opinion. And, it may not be popular.

I think all marriages can have periods like this, regardless of infidelity. It's been a very hard year on people and COVID has been disruptive to the mental health of many. The fact you feel numb makes me wonder if you have depression or perhaps unprocessed PTSD from the military or your wife's affair. Or, vice versa, if she is depressed and closed off.

Why is it NOW then, when I should be completely content and all of my hatred & resentment has finally bled away - that I want to just walk out on my marriage and ghost my wife? I don’t want to leave because I want to be with other women. I’m not even that beaten up over not having sex for so long (although it scares me a little that I feel so nonchalant about it).

This is the part that is maybe most telling. A couple who has not had sex in almost a year is typically very disconnected. I know couples who have one partner who can not physically have sex, and they have had to change some of their intimacy to maintain their connection.

Men especially, connect to their feeling loved feelings through sex. What is the issue here, she doesn't want it, you don't want it, or both?

Don't get me wrong, your marriage may be over. I personally would recommend going to IC to help you get sorted out. Any time people are feeling numb, I am not sure that's the best time or circumstances to make major life changes. I went through an entire year feeling the way you describe. Rather than deal with it, I just went out and had an affair. That was an extremely bad choice, but through that I can tell you that feelings of connection and wanting your marriage can come back, IF YOU WANT THEM TO. And, it's okay if you don't want them to. My suggestion for IC is just so you can feel sure of where you are. Ending a 20 year marriage is a big step, and for your sake it may be better to explore these issues a little deeper with a professional so you can get full clarity and peace in whatever decision you make.

Yours is the only midlife crisis I approve. You lived on dreams because so much of your life was painful. Now is time for a reckoning. You have so much future ahead but depression has you in its grip. Your brain has been in overload since you were a boy. Your reaction have been fight, flight or freeze until you are exhausted. Please get therapy. I highly recommend EMDR. I know a therapist who specializes in this and says it works wonders. You have basically been put on “hold”. It’s the only thing left when you are this tired. Go get help and then make decisions.

You did your duty to your country (Thank You) and to your family and that cheating, unremorseful WW of yours.

Now do your duty to yourself and free yourself from this toxic marriage.

A couple of thoughts ...

Maybe this is coming up now precisely because life is good Maybe your mind is telling you it's time to deal with the emotional and physical traumas you've experienced - FOO (Family Of Origin), military, being betrayed.

Your W is a serial cheater. She chose to cheat. She needs to figure out how to stop cheating. What sort of help has she gotten? MC treats the M, but the M didn't fail - she did. She needs or needed to change.

*****

Your W's As probably buried you in grief, anger, fear, and shame. You've tried to ignore it, but those feelings are in your body. A good IC can help you get those feelings out in healthy ways, and you'll feel much better if you do that.

I think that processing the feelings that came with being betrayed and betraying out of your body is a good first step. Those feelings are interfering with your decision-making, and IMO processing the feelings out of your body will allow you to make the best decision for you (and your kids) about your M.

*****

I think what you're going through now is what I call an FGO - fucking growth opportunity. I know you're in terrible pain, but I know you can heal, too - and once you heal, I think you'll decide the struggle was worth it. Yes, your life would have been better in a loving family, under good leadership, no cheating ... but you have to deal with all that crap even though you did nothing to deserve any of that crap.

I recommend starting with yourself. I recommend finding a good IC and figuring out how to heal. Once the healing has started, you'll know what you want, if anything, from your W.

*****

Man, I'm sorry you're here. I'm sorry you're in pain.

I recommend reading https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250 - Things Every WS Needs to Know. It might help you understand what will work.

It’s because it was always a dealbreaker for you.

You just convinced yourself along the way to choke it down, that you somehow were partially responsible

But now you know HER cheating had nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with HER

So you’re done trying to pretend

She shit on your marriage, repeatedly.

Now you see the remainder of your life looming ahead and you don’t want to chew on any more shit sandwiches.

(((Hugs)))

This is actually healthy

Onyx7

I don't have advice - just wanted to say you're not alone and there are people that understand how you feel.

My details are different from yours. But I have found myself in a similar mindset the last month or 2.

Considering the adultery that happened, my marriage is ok right now and has been ok for the last decade if I can manage not to think about what came before. My wife seems content. And yet I could walk away from my marriage today without a twinge in my heart as far as emotions go. This is AFTER fighting so hard to save the marriage.

And...I find that I care less and less how it would affect the children.

It is this last thing which terrifies me.

My IC tells me it is a coping mechanism and that I am numb from repeated blows. Hopefully just a phase that I will work through.

The cosmic order will never put you in any situation that you don't have the ability to cope with. You'll make it through this brother.

Welcome Onyx.

Thank you for your service. My family truly appreciates what you have sacrificed.

Now why Now? Maybe because you are far enough to look at everything with some level of emotional detachment and exam some feelings you probably stuffed down. I know the military tends to teach compartmentalization, and it sounds like on at least one of your tours you suffered some severe trauma. Then you come home and the one person who is supposed to have your back didn't here either. Then it happened again......

I think there is a tremendous amount to unpack and deal with, and heal from. While life is good, it's also scary to allow the emotions in, and you may have just shut them off moving forward from the A's, to protect yourself, and provide the home for your kids that you dreamed of.

But a whole year without intimacy is pretty long. Have you talked about it?

What did your wife do after he A's to make herself a safe partner?

If you were deployed again would she cheat again?

It seems she has significant issues w/ being alone, and unless she works through that to be a safe partner to you, you may not feel safe being intimate with her, or you may find that you don't care, and have truly reached indifference.

Either way I would encourage you to seek the assistance of a therapist that specializes in trauma - not necessarily infidelity. I think you probably have more significant trauma stuff to work through and get to a place where you are confident of your stance, be it being done, or wanting to reconnnect. Either is perfectly fine, and you shouldn't feel bad choosing .

You do need to take care of you though. You have given a lot, now is the time you should be really enjoying life.

((((And Strength))))

Thank you again.

I want to thank everyone for their advice and kind words. After reflecting on all of the posts here, I have decided to do IC on my own in order to sort my head and work through my scars from my marriage. I have also decided to get counseling for my wartime experiences separately.

I feel that once i've been able to work on myself and get myself to a good place mentally, then I can make a sound decision in leaving my marriage or attempting MC and getting to the underlying issues of my wife's infidelity.

Onyx7,

You got some very good advice here.

I wish you my very, very best!

One day she picked up when he called and she talked to him like a long lost friend with a big smile on her face right in front of me. I told her to hang up & she ignored me and kept talking. I wanted to punch that phone out of her hand and if that swing hit her face then so be it.

Your wife sounds broken. Some women have a kink about humiliating their husband especially when he is unwilling to leave the marriage for whatever reason. Your powerlessness, humiliation and pain give her pleasure.

Why is it NOW then, when I should be completely content and all of my hatred & resentment has finally bled away - that I want to just walk out on my marriage and ghost my wife?

No one can predict when the "switch" gets thrown. Once it does there is little to be done to recover the situation. You have suffered for 20 years at your wife's hands and now you are free. At the very least speak to a lawyer discreetly to see what divorce would look like. Certainly you can stay but for what purpose? Your wife is broken. Always has been. If she is narcissistic you will inflict damage to her if you walkaway and ghost her. You haven't had sex in a year. You can bet this is intentional. Whether she is attempting to withhold it to control you or to punish you for cheating on her doesn't really matter.

Really all comes down to what you want. Can you see yourself spending 20 more years with your wayward wife?

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 3:11 PM, November 11th (Wednesday)]