SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Looks like my original tread is closed.

I wanted to provide an update. If you read my profile my story is there. Some of this may overlap. I am totally blown away by how right the people on this forum are. You guys told me some hard truths that I did not want to believe, but you could not have been more right. I am amazed. My WW followed the script exactly as many of you have written it.

She continues to have her own separate phone plan and will not share the password to her phone. She plays hide the phone a lot. I walk into the room and I can hear it hit the table. I tell her this makes me very uncomfortable but she takes no action to change.

On 10/31/2020 I hear her talking about Dan on Instagram. It’s like Jon all over again, I started hearing about Dan over the summer… “my friend Dan is having trouble at work”… “my friend Dan lost his job” (did Dan ask for a sexy pic?). It may be harmless, I’m sure it is but I can hear the phone buzzing. They are having a chat. My anxiety is through the roof. I’m uncomfortable in my own home, this really sucks. I don’t know what PTSD is, but I may have it. I’m triggered by the phone notification sounds. Lori won’t put the f-n phone down. If I ask her to she gets ANGRY! And I mean ANGRY!

11/8/2020 – I find out the password on her phone is primary APs birthday (Kurt), ouch. I tried it just for the heck of it. I asked her the significance of the password and she played dumb. I knew the number was the month and day of his birthday. She’s still giving me half-truths. Death by a thousand cuts. I asked her if she bought a birthday card for him (it’s in early December), she said “I have lot’s of cards in my closet.” That’s not an answer. How am I supposed to trust her if she can be completely honest with me? I asked her about the frequency of sex with Kurt, she said they just held hands and kissed. During marriage counseling she admitted to sex, would not say how often or how many times, shrugged and said I don’t know. MC moved on. TT hurts.

11/21/2020 – Lori is hiding her phone. I ask her what is going on…she’s instagramming with Dan from a few weeks ago.

12/11/2020 – I get home and notice that Lori’s hiking boots are not in the house. I call her to ask where she is. She says she was at her mothers and went hiking with her brother. She didn’t tell me she was taking the day off from work. This was a jolt to my system again. Her mother lives 70 miles from our house and 1 mile from AP. I got gaslit here too. The drive to her mothers is 70 miles, it’s about an hour and 20 minutes one way, and then she supposedly went hiking. I said to her “you took the day off to go to MA?” her reply, “I worked.” OK, so she replied to a few emails but won’t say “yes, I took the day off.” That is so fucking frustrating, it’s crazymaking. It’s the middle of December in New England and she took the day off to go hiking with her brother 70 miles away and she expects me to believe she did not go see AP.

12/21/2020 – Huge blow out. She gets a text at 6am I ask who it’s from. She opens the phone and says it’s from her mother. It was, but I snatched the phone from her hand and ran into the bathroom. Things got a little physical because we wrestled for the phone. It was a surreal moment; I could not believe what was happening. We were actually pushing and shoving each other. I didn’t want to give up, I’m 6,2 and 200lbs so she really was not going to win a wrestling match with me. I should have just let it go because her actions were loud and clear, but I had to know for sure to finally make up my mind about divorce. And what did I find, video of another man masturbating (I’m guessing Kurt, but my God who knows)…it must have been from the past month because it was not there in early November. We were actually doing marriage counseling while she was still sexting. I wanted to divorce about a month ago but she said let’s try marriage counseling, so I did (see thread on marriage counseling feedback). And she was still sexting. How many times can one be stabbed in the back? There is no room left in my back to stick another knife in. I have been bleeding to death since May and my WW keeps cutting me.

Luckily I already had a meeting set with an attorney. I meet with the attorney tomorrow 12/22 and will ask to file ASAP. I’m hoping the papers get served on Wednesday, if they can do it xmas eve then even better. I want to slap her with papers so hard.

This is not going to go well. I was emotionally abused since May. I am so pissed right now. We have kids, but I have no interest in remaining friends with someone who did this to me.

I sent her a message using Stevesn’s exact words. “You are my wife and I have always loved you…”(see original thread).

I’m also completely devastated, I hurt bad, I’m a mess. I can’t focus, I’m struggling at work. This really sucks.

It’s just amazing how right the people on this forum are. You guys have the script down.

The lesson here. The WS needs to come clean and be accountable, there is no halfway here. The WS needs to be open, honest, and transparent. 100%. They need to show that they want to reconcile through actions. The BS should not be doing the heavy lifting (I felt like I was). The funny thing for me is the gut feeling. I had the gut feeling all along, but my heart would not allow me to believe it. Trust your gut, I can’t say it enough, trust your gut.

[This message edited by DanielJK at 10:37 AM, December 21st (Monday)]

So sorry to read your update Dan

You are already doing what you need to. Take some pride and self esteem from the fact that you are taking your life back

Look after yourself brother 👊🏻

It is horrible what they do my STBX also emotionally abused me and I kept catching him with MOW multiple times after D-Day. I attempted suicide at one point it drove me over the edge. Then when I thought we were actually R'ing I find out 2 years later the A never ended.

I will never understand how someone you love can do this and I'm so sorry you are going through being traumatized over and over again. Good to see you are filing for D. It is much more peaceful on the other side of this.

So sorry to hear you are struggling. If you haven't already, start the 180 NOW. Disconnect from her, unless you want to wait until she is served, but, for your sake, I'd say go ahead. Don't engage with her at all. If she tries to apologize or explain anything, just walk away. She has shown you who she is, a liar and a cheater, she is selfish and only looking to help herself.

I hope your attorney is a good one and can protect you and your assets as much as possible.

(((DJK)))

It SUUUUUUUCKS when your heart finally catches up with your gut. And I said almost the exact same thing at 9 months out from dday1 - that I felt like he had shoved a knife into my belly and I had been hemorrhaging ever since and that the only way for me to stop the bleeding was to D. Didn't make the decision any easier.

The good news is that life on the other side is so much better than I had hoped for. So calm and peaceful and free of drama and bullshit. You'll get there too.

Please please PLEASE do not engage with her anymore, especially in a physical fashion. I would also recommend you get a VAR to keep on you at all times, just in case she decides to try to file false DV charges on you. And before you say "she wouldn't do that...", it HAS happened more than once on here. She is a hostile stranger to you now and should be treated accordingly. A VAR is for your protection. I know how crazy-making all this is, but if you are set on filing, there is no purpose to doing any more engaging.

I'm sorry as hell that things didn't work but very glad you are stepping on the path that takes you out of infidelity DJK. It's bittersweet, but so worth it.

Daniel,

I wasn't familiar with your story, so I went down that rabbit hole by reading your profile bio. The only thing I have to say after that is, wow sir, you have been far more patient with this shit than I would've been.

What you have done today and going forward is hopefully to restore the power you have as a BS. You are making decisions for yourself and only yourself. If at some point in the next few months your wife comes out of her affair fog and decides she wants to come clean, you can at that time decide whether or not you want to go through with the divorce or you can stop it. I don't know if that is something you would consider, but I gather from your post and your story that this has been a difficult decision to arrive at. Of course, all that would be contingent on your WW actually waking up and being honest with you.

If she is upset about the divorce, you should just let her know that you are doing her a favor, she didn't want to be married to you, so now you are doing the favor of stepping aside and letting her string along multiple APs all she wants. You are giving her the freedom to do whatever she wants, what she always wanted, so it shouldn't be that big of a deal. I mean, you would think she would be overjoyed when she gets the papers, but I can't imagine she will actually take it that way in the least.

Good luck to you going forward. If she comes around and you want to try and consider reconciliation, than you know where you can come to ask questions.

Wishing you strength Daniel.

After the wrestling match you must carry a VAR on you at all times. She may try to turn this into a domestic violence issue. Protect yourself, try to disengage and avoid situations that can be misconstrued.

I’m sorry she has lied to you yet again. Time to leave her the past and start a life of authenticity.

Thanks everyone for the comments and support. You guys mean a lot to me. The cake eater mentality is truly remarkable to witness. I'm curious to see how she handles actually being served with divorce papers. She once told me that she didn't want to disappoint our daughters. Boy did she let them down.

I tell her this makes me very uncomfortable but she takes no action to change.

because she doesn't want to.

It may be harmless

you know by now it isn't harmless.

Death by a thousand cuts.

only if you allow it.

How am I supposed to trust her if she can be completely honest with me?

axiomatic.

How many times can one be stabbed in the back?

the beatings will continue until the morale improves

I meet with the attorney tomorrow 12/22 and will ask to file ASAP.

Don't back down.

She is a serial cheater.

Kurt, Jon, Dan. I'm exhausted just reading about it. There are so many women out there in your own geographic proximity who would never do something like this to you. Never. They are attractive and compatible with you. Your WW now brings NOTHING to the table except for pain. NOTHING.

I'm so sorry. But you can now walk away knowing that you tried to save your marriage. The failure here is hers, not yours. Wishing you peace as you move forward.

Daniel, My heart and head overrode my gut for a long time. A long, long time. My gut was screaming at me and I didn't listen very well.

You have made a decision. Hold the line. See the lawyer. Have her served. Stay strong. Don't weaken. Don't get sucked in again. Strength of mind and clarity of thought.

I have to live with this woman. She just got home. This is so uncomfortable and I'm stuck with her until the divorce is done and she finds a house. God give me the strength and patience to make it. I am living with my abuser.

I'd seriously consider investing in a body camera.

Do not get false DV'd.

Daniel,

You wrote, She once told me that she didn't want to disappoint our daughters. Boy did she let them down.

I'm glad you understand that she deserted the family and not you.

Save your evidence, your daughters have to be told the truth age appropriately, with more and more revelation as they get older. Do not allow your WW to spin convoluted lies to them.

Dan,

She once told me that she didn't want to disappoint our daughters. Boy did she let them down.

Just get ready for the whacked out wayward thinking; she will say that YOU were the one the disappointed your daughters, as you filed, and not her...

Dan,

Just finished reading your story. Wow. Just wow. You've given her way more time and energy than she deserves. That line where you say there is no more room on your back for her to stab really shook me. I can feel your pain through your words, but with every subsequent post I can sense you are getting stronger. Stay the course. Don't back down from filing! Everything with living arrangements, division of assets, etc. will fall into place. Since you are stuck living under the same roof for the time being, do not engage with her at all. No more arguing, no more checking her phone, not even a "hello". If need be, sleep in a spare bedroom or on the couch. Don't leave any room for her to interpret that she can continue manipulating you. As soon as she senses that you are done, is when she is going to half-ass try to be "nice" to you. At least that's what happened with me. It was too little, too late.

I'm sure your daughters have a good idea of what is going on. Have open communication with them and answer any questions they may have as honest and appropriate as possible. Be prepared, like others have said, that she will twist the narrative to make you out to be the bad one. Invest in a VAR (voice activated recorder) or on your phone make sure you have your recording app easily accessible. Start recording as soon as you are near her because she may try to provoke you. All you do is push record and put your phone in your pocket.

We always want to think that these Waywards are incapable of such nasty allegations/actions, but these spouses of ours are complete strangers now and any shred of who they used to be doesn't exist anymore.

Keep us updated on how things go when she gets served!

Hi Dan,

When the end came in my marriage, my ex-wife had just confessed to her second known affair. I told her we were done and she agreed. I had to live with her in the same house for three months until she found a place and I was able to buy her out of our house. We had a 3-year-old son to complicate matters. It certainly wasn't easy. My biggest mistake during that period was to engage in unnecessary communication with her. We had a two-story house that made physical separation relatively easy. But it still was a very rough time for various reasons. My advice is to keep communication down to a minimum and try and stay away from the house as much as possible. Go there to sleep and see your children. Tell your WW that is the way you want it and for her to respect your wishes. I felt a big weight was lifted once we decided to end it. You will eventually feel that way. Because your children are teenagers you will be able to keep contact with your WW at a minimum. That will certainly help you move on. Good luck and I guarantee you that things will get a lot better. BTW, do not take her back if she suddenly realizes that her fun and games have gotten boring. But, I think you know that. What went on here is disgusting. You put up with way too much shit from her. Return the favor and ghost her as much as possible for the rest of your lives.

[This message edited by src9043 at 7:04 PM, December 22nd (Tuesday)]

The lesson here. The WS needs to come clean and be accountable, there is no halfway here.

Dan: that isn't the lesson here (your thread). I agree that, in general, it is a good thing if a WS comes clean and becomes accountable. However, there is nothing -- nothing -- in your thread that invokes those issues, at all. Your thread is, as I note in another comment, an utter hellscape of unmitigated emotional abuse of you by your shameless WW, who is openly carrying on her affair(s) in your presence.

The lesson here is that you cannot "nice" a cheater back. You've proven that lesson 1,000 times over.

The overarching theme here on SI is to get the BS out of infidelity. With a WW who is openly carrying on in affair(s) in your presence, your only path out of infidelity at present is a path out of the marriage.