SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

They seemed to strike out a lot but were successful enough to keep at it. It also seemed to me they targeted married women who were less likely to make a scene.

The first part of this, I have some experience, and yes, I struck out a LOT. It's kind of funny, people think there's some mystical "formula" to sleeping with lots of women/attraction, and, while there are some things that can help (and yes, having an "edge"/bad boy is one of them), the real secret is simply "get good with rejection". You want to sleep with 100 women? Try with 1000. Or 5000. Want a ONS? Nothing I can tell you will make your chances even "good" that you can walk up to any girl at the bar and take her home. But, if you walk up to EVERY girl at the bar, well, now, your chances improve dramatically.

Simply put, being a "player" is a "number game". That's why I always feel that fishing is a good analogy here, you might throw the same lure 1000 times and get 1 bite. Guess what; that's fishing. That's also, however, kind of what dating is like if your going for "lots of women" as your goal. Keep throwing out the line, eventually, you will probably get something to bite.

As for targeting married women, I don't have any experience here, I never did that. But some people do, it's called the "dark side" of playing women/game. I never heard it said "less likely to make a scene" I heard "easy" and "no limits sex" as the most common reasons why. But, above all, I think the biggest thing to remember, there really is no "target" yes, perhaps some men do go out and primarily pursue married women, I'm sure that does happen. But they'd happily take an unmarried one too. Or a woman in a poly relationship. It doesn't matter, it's a numbers game, always has been, likely always will be. In general, men present, women choose, and if you want to be "chosen" on a regular basis, you want to make sure you get as many bites at the apple as possible.

Relating this to my W's A, she claimed to "not even think about" how many other women the AP propositioned before her. The lack of understanding/thought there kind of blew my mind. Yes, in a pure sex affair, it doesn't matter, you're not doing that because "he/she loves me" your doing it for sex. But in a romantic affair? It doesn't matter to you that he had to leave his last job because he was trying to sleep with 1/2 the office? Or that others in your office had been propositioned by him? I mean, maybe my definition of "romance" is a little off, but I just don't see how it's romantic at all that you finally got to be "number 1" on his list after the other "number 1's" blew him off.

Ride it out,

You’ll never understand it because you don’t think from a broken perspective. Just like the mirroring effect in an affair, they compartmentalize/filter their thoughts.

My wife’s situation was similar. The first day that droopy dog AP reached out her BFF told her he’d been fired from a lucrative job for sexual harassment and now was a used car salesmen. A month later? Right into sexting with him.

To you and I that would scream “block him!”, to our wives it’s ignored and rationalized away.

Ride it out,

You’ll never understand it because you don’t think from a broken perspective. Just like the mirroring effect in an affair, they compartmentalize/filter their thoughts.

My wife’s situation was similar. The first day that droopy dog AP reached out her BFF told her he’d been fired from a lucrative job for sexual harassment and now was a used car salesmen. A month later? Right into sexting with him.

To you and I that would scream “block him!”, to our wives it’s ignored and rationalized away.

Yes, I agree, and yes, I doubt I'll ever understand it. I'm sorry for anyone I might insult, but it's just "too stupid to comprehend" for me. And that's not an A in general, those I can understand quite well, because, I feel I'm susceptible to the "allure" of an affair too. Just for entirely different reasons, and reasons that almost certainly, if I were to have an A, would turn out to be "real". Affairs really do provide more sex, sex with someone new, and very often, kinky/extreme sex. What they almost never provide is anything even approaching a "real relationship" (from another thread) and very rarely love, respect, caring, or any of the multitude of "other" reasons that people seem to jump into them. I'll never understand those "reasons" because, frankly, they are stupid reasons to have an A. Going to McDonalds looking for Kobe beef. What you claim to want, they simply do not sell there.

Your title:

Do Women Really Prefer Assholes?

Your question:

ARE WOMEN REALLY ATTRACTED TO ASSHOLES OVER DECENT GUYS?

When you include the word "really"--twice!--you are implying that it is considered a truth, but you want confirmation.

Do you understand the difference between a question and a statement? If not, I'll clarify it for you: it's a question, not a statement.

And then you are condescending and insulting when someone calls you out on your rhetorical manipulations. Tsk. Tsk. You know what you were implying, we know what you were implying, so please don't gas light us. It triggers our ptsd.

Some women prefer assholes because they have issues, some don't. Men are the same way.

I get your frustrations with women because I feel that with men. When one hurts us, we become frustrated with the entire group. Just own it though instead of pretending you aren't generalizing.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 8:44 AM, November 17th (Sunday)]

I am not implying anything. You are inferring. And I seldom condescend to anybody because I'm just not better than anyone else.

I understand that each of us comes from our own paradigm of trauma. I have mine and you likely have yours.

My question is really a simple one. It's derived not only from my limited experience, but also from reading thousands of posts on SI.

I am sorry if you take offense. I am even sorrier that you that it seems to have caused you to either question my motives.

I don't recall saying do women really, really prefer assholes. If I did, If certainly didn't mean to.

Sorry, if I pushed one of your buttons.

I expect that every one of our partners and every one of us are viewed as assholes by some people.

So perhaps the question should be: Do we all prefer assholes?

If you want the question to be only about aps, remember:

Honey, they always affair down.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:34 AM, November 17th (Sunday)]

A rhetorical "question" is not a question. I'll rephrase then. Do all men prefer asswholes and stupid whores? Still an insulting "question". It implies.

I'm sure some people who are broken, have no morals, and/or too inexperienced to know what red flags indicate a person is an "asswhole" date them. Most people (note I don't pick on any gender) don't consciously want to he in a relationship with someone of questionable character.

A better way to phrase, and less insulting question could have been, "Why would a woman, like my WS, have cheated with someone so horrible when she had me at home? What could possibly make any person do something like this? Does she truly like being with an asswhole?"

The way you phrased it, it implies that ALL women, because it stated women in generality, prefer asswholes. No, not all women. You're just married to someone who is broken, and who probably is of loose moral fiber. Not saying she is the town bicycle, but she's not cut of the same moral fiber as other women who would never have an affair to begin with, much less with an asswhole?

[This message edited by StillLivin at 10:47 AM, November 17th (Sunday)]

Rugswept said "The hot bad guys get them all: the good, the bad, the ugly, the best looking.

There is some kind of allure with the brazen bad guys. It's animal kingdom stuff. It's kinda like the master walrus getting all the females. Women are drawn to these men who exude the feelings of power.

The good guys, not so much, left behind after they've done everything for the scummy hot bad guy. I've lived it."

This is sometimes true. However, I challenge two aspects of it:

1) not all women swoon to these guys and some who do will certainly not give in to temptation.

2) you describe this as having a strong alph component. That could be true, however, not all alphas are bad guys or assholes. And, in my personal experience, most assholes are not true alphas.

A better way to phrase, and less insulting question could have been, "Why would a woman, like my WS, have cheated with someone so horrible when she had me at home? What could possibly make any person do something like this? Does she truly like being with an asswhole?"

The way you phrased it, it implies that ALL women, because it stated women in generality, prefer asswholes. No, not all women. You're just married to someone who is broken, and who probably is of loose moral fiber. Not saying she is the town bicycle, but she's not cut of the same moral fiber as other women who would never have an affair to begin with, much less with an asswhole?

I am sorry you are taking it in a way that was certainly not intended. Perhaps you can join my editorial team when I finish my book.

If you are fully intent on being offended, then you have probably come to the right place. Most of the people here are hurt and traumatized and begin to see things through the prism of their experience. It's wonderful that there are advocate4s like you here to keep this a safe place to post.

Best wishes on your editorial career. <sarcasm>Off</sarcasm> (xml)

A rhetorical "question" is not a question. I'll rephrase then. Do all men prefer asswholes and stupid whores? Still an insulting "question". It implies.

That's an easy one. The correct answer, in my opinion is no. See how easy that is.

By the way, I didn't take offense at your question. A binary answer suffices.

same moral fiber as other women who would never have an affair to begin with, much less with an asswhole?

Perhaps true, but also a statement without a lot of action that can be put behind it. A lot of women cheat, depending on the stats, 25-50% in a marriage, who knows how many dating. So yes, great, just find one "cut of the right moral fiber". I think that almost all of us here thought we did that (both BW and BH), but were wrong. Yes, it's nice to believe that "no matter what, never gonna happen", but.. Most of us believed that, and we were wrong.

2) you describe this as having a strong alph component. That could be true, however, not all alphas are bad guys or assholes. And, in my personal experience, most assholes are not true alphas.

Certainly true, there are the "dreamboats" out there who have strong alpha, but aren't jumping in every bed they can find. Aren't domineering, aren't assholes at work, but command the room. I know a few guys who might fit this description. But, the saying "absolute power corrupts absolutely" comes to mind here; yes, some men find themselves with impossible levels of access to women and never step over the line. But, that's not common. Most go directly from "alpha" to asshole. Look at your "greater alphas" out there, rich men, famous men; especially when those riches and fame hit at a young age. Alpha as hell, the rule the kingdom. But the vast majority are WAY into the asshole spectrum too.

For a long time, I worked in a job where 7-8 figure incomes weren't at all uncommon. I got to see the "alphas at play" up close and personal. It was unreal. But you don't need to get that up close and personal, just go somewhere there are a lot of rich people, you'll see it for yourself. The entitlement, the lack of concern for others.. No, not all. But far more than the general population, I'd bet my life on that.

I am not implying anything. You are inferring. And I seldom condescend to anybody because I'm just not better than anyone else.

How many people, women, would it take inferring this for you to consider that there may be a problem with your delivery?

I am sorry if you take offense. I am even sorrier that you that it seems to have caused you to either question my motives.

This is not a real apology. Rather than you taking responsibility for what you said, you are blaming the person who is offended. My mother used to say that shit to me. "I'm sorry you feel that way." A real apology would've been, "I'm sorry that I hurt you. That was not my intent."

It’s easy to figure out. Just watch what they do.

Not what they say. IRL or on a message board. Just watch who they get with.

IMO any guy who sleeps with a married woman is by default an asshole.

This is not a real apology. Rather than you taking responsibility for what you said, you are blaming the person who is offended. My mother used to say that shit to me. "I'm sorry you feel that way." A real apology would've been, "I'm sorry that I hurt you. That was not my intent."

cocoplus5nuts:

I like you. What's more, I respect you. You are highly intelligent and thoughtful. However, I won't allow you to tell me whether I am sincere or not.

IMO any guy who sleeps with a married woman is by default an asshole.

Absolutely agree.

This is not a real apology. Rather than you taking responsibility for what you said, you are blaming the person who is offended. My mother used to say that shit to me. "I'm sorry you feel that way." A real apology would've been, "I'm sorry that I hurt you. That was not my intent."

Ehhh. He doesn't owe anyone an apology for the question, there is nothing to take responsibility for. He seems like a nice guy though so he probably is sorry if anyone was offended by the way he typed it out.

I won't allow you to tell me whether I am sincere or not.

I'm not truing to tell you whether or not you are sincere. I am saying that the message that your wording sends does not convey remorse. Ask any therapist worth her salt. She will tell you the same.

I'm sure you are sorry that someone is hurt. You seem like a decent guy who doesn't want to intentionally hurt anyone. But, the wording of your apology ignores your responsibility in the cause of that hurt.

The goal is clear communication. We need to be conscious not just of our message, but how our message will be received. If my husband tells me he's hurt by something I said or did, I can say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." The message received from that is that he reacted incorrectly to what I did. If I say, "I'm sorry what I said hurt you. That was not my intent," I am taking responsibility for my actions.

Let me ask you this. How would you feel if your CW said to you, "I'm sorry you are upset that I cheated." Does that sound like remorse to you?

Can you step back and consider that there might be a better way to say it?

[This message edited by cocoplus5nuts at 8:29 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

Best wishes on your editorial career.

One of my hats is technical editor, so sarcasm or not...

If you are fully intent on being offended, then you have probably come to the right place.

Mildly irritated would better describe it. I have little patience for generalized questions. I'm sorry your wife did such a number on your head that you even feel the need to ask such an obviously ridiculous question.

The answer is, "No, not all of us are as stupid or as big of a whore as your wife is." Only a really stupid, promiscuous, damaged person would prefer someone like her AP. Most of us, if we ever were with someone that was such a dreg, didnt realize it, and would promptly cut them loose upon discovery.

I've got no dog in this fight. Out.