Let me share a story about my SIL (sister in law). Similar to your wife, she went totally off the rails. She found another man, ended up being discovered and then insisted that she could do whatever she wanted. Her husband believed that being loving meant being patient and waiting for her head to clear. He took care of the kids and house, but she took advantage of the reduction of things she had to do by spending more time with the other man. Her family learned about her cheating and tried to help, but she wouldn't be dissuaded. She eventually got pregnant. Her husband ended up supporting her through the pregnancy believing that certainly this would wake her up. It didn't. She had the other man present at the birth of the child and, later, would work out a visitation schedule. Her husband continued to try to detach, but be there for her. Eventually, my SIL came around to say that she chose to stay with her husband. It appeared like patience had paid off. Until a few years later when the other man tried to exert some pressure by releasing a recent sex video. It turned out that the affair had gone underground for years, but he was now mad because my SIL had found a different other man and was dumping the father of the child.
So my SIL was discovered to have started a new affair. Her husband was so angry, yet he would not divorce her. He thought that he could confront the other man and get things to end. It backfired. The other man, with the full support of my SIL, made an accusation of assault with the police. He threatened that if my SIL's husband ever came close to him again, he would press charges. From that point onward, my SIL and the OM continued their affair without any interference.
My point is simple. Trying to be patient and/or to "nice" your wife back won't work.
I have so many people in my life saying "I wouldn't do it", and everyone on here saying "Do it".
We are giving you advice based on our own experiences the collective stories of everyone here. We desire for you to avoid the pain that many of us suffered through. Many of us have tried to "nice" our spouse back into the marriage and have found that it doesn't work. Most stories aren't quite as long running as my SIL's, but they all end up the same way -- the only way to stop an ongoing affair is to be firm in that it won't be tolerated.
The others in your life are giving you input based on their reading/training and want to be helpful too. They know you and are offering what they think is best. I'd suggest that you ask your therapist, psychologist friend and AA sponsor, "If your wife told you she wanted to date other men, took off her wedding rings, pulled down all the wedding pictures and was staying out all night long with other men, what would you do?", "Have you ever been betrayed?" and "Can you give me examples of when you've seen this approach work?"
Weigh the advice you receive and do what you think is best. You will always be welcome to post here as you work through the situation.
she's seething in anger right now, and so am I.
She wants to date other men with your permission. You've turned the cold shoulder and she doesn't appreciate the fact that you won't agree to let her do whatever she wants.
Your anger comes from her attempts to manipulate you coupled with the disrespect she is showing you. It also comes from the blatant disregard she has for your kids.
I'm just mentally exhausted. Going back to meetings to try to get back where I need to be is good, but living in the same house like this, with what is going on, is exhausting.
Allowing the cheating to continue will suck the life out of you. You are just beginning to feel it.
Dropping divorce papers on her seems like adding gasoline to the fire.
It might be -- it all depends on your wife and how she choose to react. For some, receiving divorce papers and understanding what is going to happen to them is a wake up call. Other spouses are deep in the fog, extremely stubborn and respond defiantly. Which one you are going to get is unknown.
Filing divorce papers isn't a sure bet at all. It could drive your wife to even more extreme behavior. You may end up divorced. I know that is not what you want. No betrayed spouse wants that.
Here is the thing. Your marriage is already destroyed. She has taken off the ring, taken down the pictures, is being emotionally abusive, manipulative and controlling and is clearly being unfaithful. She already burned your marriage to the ground. Being patient only increases the damage that she does to herself and to you. It makes you a doormat and Plan B. Even if she eventually falls flat on her face and wants to come back, you are still Plan B.
The recommendation to file for divorce has the hope that it will snap your wife out of the fog. But that isn't a guarantee. The only thing that is does guarantee is that it protects you. Certainly, there is the financial element to all of that, but what is really important is that it reinforces your boundary that you won't tolerate being unloved and disrespected. That is critical for the healing you will have to move through after experiencing this trauma.
I know your head is spinning, especially with all the conflicting advice coupled with the ongoing abuse your wife is throwing at you. Keep detaching and use the time/space to help see more clearly the situation you are in and to decide what it is that is best for you.
